I took him for granted - how can I make him see how sorry I am?

[SMHappyface]

When my guy and I first hooked up, we treated each other perfectly - for years. For the past few months, we started getting sloppy - I ignored him, used pity parties to manipulate him, and generally was a whiny bitch. I don't blame him for leaving.

 

A few days to stew in my thoughts, I realize how horrible I was, and I don't know if he can ever forgive me. I see my mistakes and I want to change him and prove that I can love him as he deserves. I want a second chance, I want to prove to him, but he thinks its too late.

[chocolate_boy]

I just posted this response in another thread but its awesome:

Take a step back, if he tells you what you did to hurt him, agree

"yes you're right i was selfish..."

Show that you understand

 

 

 

 

You were together a reasonably long time, too long for him to be over you I feel. But you need to do some serious growing up, and commit to this guy if you want him back, no games no head f**king.

 

The basis of all solid relationships is friendship, so concentrate on being friends, i dont think you've lost all hope yet, and this way at least you can be sure.

 

But I am going through a similar situation to you, my ex loved me, she just thought I was bad for her. Now I need to prove to her that I'm not the stress and pain in her life, that I can be supportive and caring... actions speak louder than words.

 

Back off... relax.. take a deep breath... don't contact him for at least a month, work on yourself. Then ask him if she'd like a casual meeting for an hour (coffee or something) and be happy and enjoy each other's company...

 

One day at a time, patience is the essential ingredient to reconsiling lost love.

 

At this time, any pressure you put on him is a big push in the wrong direction... you need to be relaxed and supportive, show him what you can be like... again actions speak louder than words.

 

Show him and be the person he fell in love with.. you did it once, you can do it again..

 

P.S oh and incase you're wondering where this advice came from.. my old mum, who has been happily married for 50 years... her and my father split for over a year when they were in their 20s but got back together... she has some very good advice!

[Kengne]

First of all let me say I am so sorry you're going through this.

 

2nd.... I read your other post in Second Chances. It's a tough situation.

 

Riight now I think your guy is screaming for one thing: S P A C E .

 

And right now you need to give him all that, and much more.

Of course it's hard because you want to cry, plead, beg with him for a second chance but please realize all of that is only more likely to make him feel pressured. And if you want him back - he needs to come on his own, and not because he felt it was what YOU wanted. He has to want it to.

 

I think the best thing you can do now .... which is going to be very tough ... but you need to go NC. Don't contact him. Let him contact you. If and when he does, DON'T bring up the rel'ship / wedding / marriage etc... let him talk to you. Let him tell you how he feels.

 

Right now he's clearly feeling frustrated with the rel'ship, and the more you push push push for him to get back the more he is going to pull pull pull away. Give him his space, whether this means a few days or weeks.

 

Question: have you two ever broken up before? or discussed it?

 

Its also possible he may very well be getting cold feet about getting married... and the argument may have been the last straw that broke the camel's back, and let the floodgates to his uncertainty open. I don't doubt he loves you, but it takes more than love for a rel'ship to work. And sometimes, love alone just isn't enough.

 

So again ... my 2 cents... give him some time to think about you, your life & everything. Let him miss you. More than anything, you need to show him you CAN and WILL survive without him. No one wants a clingy, needy, whiny b*tch. You need to be the light/carefree person he fell in love with.

 

Hope this helps, and good luck!

 

K.

[SMHappyface]

Yes, we had had fights and late at night when you are tired and cranky they end up "I don't need this anymore, I'm leaving" things start going in bags... But nothing ever became of it. I have been quite good in that I haven't contacted him or anything. I'm sure he expected me to call him up hysterical right now, but I haven't. He knows my number, he knows where I am. I have recently moved (about a week before this happened) to a new apartment for both of us, of course it's just me there now, but he did ask for my number there BEFORE he left, and when I said I could leave his stuff at his mums (2 blocks away) he really wanted to come by and pick it up. He says he still loves me, just doesn't see a hope for us in the future and was really down on marriage and when he did leave, he hugged me goodbye and said, "I just need space, just a little space" Well, he has it, but I don't know what he would miss, I really was awful. I am praying that something will come to his mind to give him even a little bit of hope, and then when he does come for his stuff I can start the rest of showing him I have changed and I'm not the evil brat I was.

[SMHappyface]

Great - so two days into this "break" I go to the hair salon to get my hair done since who knows when. Just as the stylist is blow drying my hair in walks my ex-fiance and his tag-a-long-dad's-girlfriend's-daughter who my jealousy towards started this whole thing in the first place. Great. Thankfully his chair was facing me and mine away. I was grateful I was dressed somewhat attractively and as I grabbed my keys, I smiled and waved as I proceeded out the door. "Aren't you gunna say hello?" he asked as I reached for the door. "Do you want me to?" I replied, cooly/flirtingly. "Don't run off, I have something for you," he said. I stood rooted to the floor staring at the wall - I mumbled something about needing to meet my dad for dinner, and he quickly pulled a wad of money out of his back pocket. "What's this for?" I asked, somewhat startled. "It's the money in the account." he replied. This account was OUR account we had been putting money together for our honeymoon. He gave it back as 'payment' for some recent toys I had bought him including an Xbox, hunting gear, etc and paying his car insurance. Not really JUST his money, but I wasn't there to argue. After a pause I said, "I guess I'll talk to you later?" "Yeah," he replied. I walked out. I was proud of how casual (respecting his space, but not acting snobby or depressed or too happy) No sooner than I met up with my dad (15 minutes later) my mom calls me and tells me my ex had called me at home, but didn't want to leave a message. What should I think of this - if it is good, why'd he give OUR money to me, or if it is bad, would seeing me had tipped him off? I'm so confused.

[chocolate_boy]

I wouldn't read a lot into his actions at the moment, he is confused and its still very fresh.

 

The fact he came to see you (he obviously knew where you would be, or he just carries your money around all the time?!), maybe it was a bit of punishing and seeing how you reacted (which you did very well).

 

Relax, be happy and back off...

 

At least he wanted to see you, he could have just transferred it to your bank account..

 

Chin up, got everything crossed for you, it will work out for the best, what ever that may be, the key here is patience and understanding,

 

x

[SMHappyface]

You're probably right about the money being a punishment to see how I'd react. He's so scared that I'll be flipping out and acting irrational when we are married, he's testing the waters I'm sure. He probably had gotten it and was gunna come by/call and tell me to get it as a "button pushing." But was surprised to see me at the hair place (he was there for a haircut, there was no way for him to know I was even there). Since the meeting had not gone as he planned, he called spur of the moment - either from his cell or from home (he would've had to drive very fast home which was 10 minutes away). Anyways, it's so wierd. I just wish I could believe or have hope in something even if the rest was up in the air... *sigh*

[SMHappyface]

Here's the update - My ex sees my mother at a mutual martial arts class and wants to talk with her - he tells her that he misses me and isn't over me yet, and is doing a lot of thinking in the woods. Then he calls me like every ten minutes on Saturday (a week ago) until he finally gets through and says that he misses me and that we need to talk and work things out and that he wants to marry me and have kids with me. I was so happy (I was in another state visiting my sister at the time) but when I saw him the next Thursday, all he wanted was some attention and fixxed my light. I asked him how things were and he told me that that Saturday was "just a bad day" and "I go up and down, and that was down. I do a lot of hunting and watch movies, trying to not think about it." Is he already made his decision and having a hard time sticking with it? I am so confused, why is is F***ing with my heart? I have done the no contact thing and giving him his space, except for writing him a sorry letter after he called that one time. Somebody PLEASE help me.

[Kengne]

First of let me say - HANG ON THERE!

 

It's really mucky what your ex-fiance is doing.

He is CLEARLY confused, and during this time the only thing I can suggest is to STAY AWAY.

 

Continue practicing NC.

 

I think for the next time when he attempts to contact you (I'm sure he will) - ignore him. Let him stew in his thoughts for a day or so, before responding (IF at all). I'd prolly send him an email saying "Yes, I see you called - HOW can I help you?"

 

Actually - if it was ME and my FIANCE was pulling this stunt I would have locked him off completely. I mean I understand COLD FEET - but what he's going thru, and then DRAWING you back in with sweet words... is utter foolishness.

 

Are you even sure you still want to be with him, never mind MARRIED to him? He seems flakey.

 

Anyways - thats my 2 cents.

 

Be strong! And this too, shall pass.

 

K.

[SMHappyface]

I've posted this other places, but the reason for this stupidity was NOT my fault - I found out the woman I was so jealous of was his girlfriend who he had been cheating on behind my back. If he wants her (she's ugly and stupid), well that's his loss. If she was a hot fun girl, I might be jealous, but there is nothing except the adventure of *bad* sex to draw him, and the fact she's getting 10,000 a month as a divorce settlement. Dollar signs are ringing in his eyes - security for his selfish desires. I have found out so many things that I had overlooked before - Me jealous? I have a right to be when theirs cheating involved. I take back all my apologies.

[mazza32cott]

Yes it's good to give guys space but when guys say they need space it is not usually a good thing and very often is another woman. You deserve better...

 

Maz

[SMHappyface]

So I figured out - too late. I just wish my ex would tell me himself, what a spineless bastard.

[Art_Critic]

10,000 a month as a divorce settlement.

 

Now how do you know for fact that she is getting that kind of money from a divorce ?

 

That kind of money would say that her ex is rich and someone rich isn't going to pay monthly.. it would be a lump sum alimony payment not monthly..

 

I think someone has filled your head with this figure

[SMHappyface]

Now how do you know for fact that she is getting that kind of money from a divorce ?

 

That kind of money would say that her ex is rich and someone rich isn't going to pay monthly.. it would be a lump sum alimony payment not monthly..

 

I think someone has filled your head with this figure

 

I don't know much about divorce - her ex is rich, he works as a missle launch cordinator and makes like 300-400$$ a year. Since he cheated on her and got a girl pregnant, this is his punishment plus he has to pay her way through her last two years of college (she already has a 4 year degree in Biology/Science). At least that is what my ex told me in glowing reports as I tried not to gag in front of him.

[Art_Critic]

At least that is what my ex told me in glowing reports as I tried not to gag in front of him.

 

I don't blame you.. It is all smoke.. he is just blowing smoke or she is..

 

that's too much money for a missile launch coordinator...

and punishment for having an affair and a baby.. pssfffttt...

and she is still in college.. must not have been a long term marriage

come on.. Do you really believe the stuff he has told you ?

[SMHappyface]

I don't know what to believe honestly - She supposidly made 24/hr working as a vet assistant in NC as well and had almost $60,000 in her pocket. I thought that was a lot of money for that job, but whatever.According to my ex, she paid $1,100 to rent a U-haul for 4 days, which seemed a little extreme to me. As for her cheating ex (yeah, get back by breaking up another relationship?), I am hearing this second hand what he told her. Stupid me just assumed that perhaps since he was in the wrong, the court awarded her the money. I never have been divorced, thank god that all the relationships ended before I actually said "I Do"

 

U may be on to something - She's probably lying her head off as well, supposidly she's booked a cruise for her and my ex in Alaska, something he and I had always planned to do together. Where the hell does she get all this $$? She basically supported her dad and brother down in SC. Humph. I know her brother is into drugs - perhaps her too?