Wondering when it will go away...

[ThumbingMyWay]

I don’t know….but sometimes I just wanna RRRUUUNNNN away from it all.

 

 

It amazes me that one day (or one minute for that matter) I can be at peace and happy with the direction my wife and I are heading……then BOOM…I just get this low dark feeling of…so this is it? This is what I get out of my life?

 

I just found out a good friend is getting a divorce due to his W’s infidelity. And personally I think it’s the best for them both, but its that fact that this stuff is happening all around me. He is one of the greatest men I know, and this is the sh*t he is dealt? A cheating wife!

 

Then I come to LS and read stories of people who are finding happieness after divorce and finally getting a good man or woman. Just frustrates me, knowing that I will NEVER have a chance to be in another relationship…not that I want to….but the feeling of something new can be very inviting, but I know I cant. I don’t know, maybe I am second guessing my commitment to making things work with my wife? Maybe deep down I only stay because I am afraid?

 

I just want to be happy like everyone else, and I am not there yet.

 

I feel a need to do more with my faith, I feel a need to better my income, I feel a need to become even a better father. Been having issues with my 3 yo son, and the thing that keeps popping in my head is my father and how he was not around a lot when I was younger. And I feel like I am going to follow my dads path of selfishness. But I know I cant…but theres that feeling inside me and I hate it.

 

OK, just venting a little. Looking for hope is such a weary world

[Mz. Pixie]

TMW-

 

This is one of several of these posts that I've seen from you.

You guys have come so far!!!!!! I hate to see you give up now.

 

What is it that you want from your marriage that you are not getting??

You almost sound like you've got the urge to cheat in a way. I'm not saying that you would, but you sound almost wistful.......

 

Since my divorce and remarriage I see my life in a different way. Yes, I'm happier now than I've ever been as far as a love relationship. However, I still sometimes feel guilty about the divorce, and what it did to my ex as well as the kids. It's not all roses and happy happy! It's hell getting to the part where you can be happy again. Some of us have gotten lucky, like myself, however I'm sure there are just as many out there who haven't been so lucky and are struggling to find someone decent to spend time with.

 

I'm not sure where i'm going with this post, but just trying to feel you out a little about your thoughts.......

[JS17]

I just want to be happy like everyone else, and I am not there yet.

True that brotha. You have been working so hard on your marriage. Are you taking time to work on yourself and your children? I don't know the first thing about what you're going through but maybe it would help you to be happier if you did some more satisfying things like spending time with and working out your problems with your children. *hugs*

[ThumbingMyWay]

TMW-

 

This is one of several of these posts that I've seen from you.

You guys have come so far!!!!!! I hate to see you give up now.

 

no no...not giving up

 

What is it that you want from your marriage that you are not getting??

You almost sound like you've got the urge to cheat in a way. I'm not saying that you would, but you sound almost wistful.......

 

ya know, I have thought about it, but I dont see myself actually doing it. I think I am just jealous that i will never be able to have some cake. As bad as that sounds, I just feel slieghted by wife sometimes and maybe its an interal payback or something? I really dont know

 

 

 

just trying to feel you out a little about your thoughts.......

 

thats the thing, I am feeling myself out too, I never thought it would be so confusing. Meaning, I know (ithink?) I want my wife and my family and to live happy ever after, but becasue of this thing thats in me, this thing I cant explain, I jsut get off track sometimes.

[I Survived]

At a very recent session with my counselor, I continued to dwell on "I never expected him to do that to me (cheat), it hurt me so much" Her reply was "No one can be in a long-time relationship and expect to never get hurt." Granted what happened was huge, but my husband and I both want our marriage to work..and having that expectation (of never being hurt) was unrealistic. So, we are now more focused on the now and the future and have put that whole horrible time in our past, as part of our history. It will never go away, but it does not need to be the focus anymore. It's a very liberating feeling. I'm not saying that I don't think about it but I do not let it bring me down. When I start to go that way, I think of something that makes me happy. I have so much to be thankful for. This could have ended a very wonderful, loving relationship. You have a child...give him what you didn't have - a daddy who will be there for him. Good luck.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Are you taking time to work on yourself and your children?

 

thats the thing I am struggling with too. I KNOW that I need to make mroe ME time, but its so dam hard to do, cause I feel guilty for taking it, but at the same time I feel frustrated that I dont take it. And then I have my wife who takes ME time alot and is in school and has things going on and I feel resent towards that...arrggghh. I just dont get why I cant do things for me w/o it being a feeling of selfishiness.

 

I am realising My faith plays alot in this too....I just dont want to be a person who WANTS WANTS WANTS....I want to GIVE GIVE GIVE, but at the same time I am frustrated casue the "I WANT" attitude gets ahole of me and its like there is a sturggle between the angel and devil within me....I just cant explain it....

 

As for my kids, I am there all the time. I am a very good dad. BUT we do have our momments and i KNOW I need to change how I am in certain situations. I just I fell stuck at waht to do.

 

maybe its just a bad day today

[JS17]

This sounds vaguely familiar:laugh: I'm the same way. I don't put myself first nearly often enough. It's something I'm trying really hard to learn how to do because I believe it is a huge issue and the root of many of my problems. I wasn't saying that you're a bad dad, I hope that it didn't come off that way because I'm sure you're a great dad. You've posted here a few times on how to help your children and that's very commendable that you care so much about them and want to be a part of their lives.

 

You need to figure out a way to put yourself first. It's not selfish to get your needs met. If you don't get your needs met you will be unhappy and resentful which isn't good for you or your family. Once you figure out how to get what you need then you will be a happier person and more able to have a fulfilling life with your wife and children. Why is your wife taking time to do the things that she needs and wants to do but you aren't? Is she objecting to it or are you taking it upon yourself to be overly responsible? She's taking care of her needs, you should be taking care of yours.

[ThumbingMyWay]

You need to figure out a way to put yourself first. It's not selfish to get your needs met. If you don't get your needs met you will be unhappy and resentful which isn't good for you or your family

 

Thats the thing, I know all of this, but why cant I do it? Its like I have mental block or something.

 

For many years in the beginning of our relationship, I was very selfish and she wasnt. And now its like a 180 degree turn....she does her thing and I dont out of guilt. BUT WHY? for fear of losing her? But at the same time, she practically pushes me out the door to do something for me....but I dont...WHY?

[sylviaguardian]

Hi Thumbs,

 

Always good to see an oldie who's hanging in there like myself. Your post struck a cord with me. Especially this:

 

B]I don’t know….but sometimes I just wanna RRRUUUNNNN away from it all.

It amazes me that one day (or one minute for that matter) I can be at peace and happy with the direction my wife and I are heading……then BOOM…I just get this low dark feeling of…so this is it? This is what I get out of my life?[/b]

 

I have maybe one good week then something like a black cloud descends upon me and I lost all hope. Sometimes the thought of a divorce just seems like such a release. There's no rhyme or reason for it. All I can think is that I can only live in the present for so long then the past bubbles up and explodes through the surface. All the stuff I have read says to move on from the past but my question is what do you do with the past. Pretend it never happened? Pretend it didn't matter? Pretend the BS is a 'new' person because they got caught? It really bugs me when my h says 'I was never ever going to leave you'. Well, whoop de do!! That's supposed to make me feel better? He was still chasing his bit of skirt when I was pregnant with our child. These are the things that I find difficult to get past.

 

On the other hand, like you, I have days when I think it really is in the past and I see that there is a lot of good in him. Sometimes I even compare him to other men I know and I think he's a good 'un. Wierd huh? I guess I have come to expect these black clouds now. I am trying to figure what sets them off but I don't know...

 

I just found out a good friend is getting a divorce due to his W’s infidelity. And personally I think it’s the best for them both, but its that fact that this stuff is happening all around me. He is one of the greatest men I know, and this is the sh*t he is dealt? A cheating wife!

 

I have the same stuff going on. My friend is thinking of divorce and rightly so. Sometimes I think that divorce IS the right thing for some people. And like you I wonder if I'm too weak to leave. But then staying hasn't been easy and you have to be a strong person to put up with everything that's happened and deal with it.

 

What someone else said about expecting not to get hurt in a long-term relationship is true. Perhaps it's the right thing to acknowledge the hurt and still try. Walking away doesn't solve anything in a way because if you meet the right person the 2nd time and they do the same thing, are you going to walk away again? When I was in IC I told my counsellor that I was so hurt because I had trusted my h 100%, His response was that it is only children who should trust their parents 100%. It doesn't really work like that in adult relationships. That was hard to take but I can see what he means now.

 

Then I come to LS and read stories of people who are finding happieness after divorce and finally getting a good man or woman.

 

Yes, but the people who stick with it and make a good relationship probably don't come back to LS. Why would they? Why you want to be on this site if you are happy?

 

I just want to be happy like everyone else, and I am not there yet.

 

Happiness is a transient state, not a permanent one. Other people may look happy to you but you don't know what is in their minds. I remember a woman I met through a prenatal class. She had the perfect life and seemed so relaxed and laid-back. Years later she admitted me that she found having a baby to be one of the hardest things that she had ever done and was very depressed at the time. I was amazed!

 

I feel a need to do more with my faith, I feel a need to better my income, I feel a need to become even a better father. Been having issues with my 3 yo son, and the thing that keeps popping in my head is my father and how he was not around a lot when I was younger. And I feel like I am going to follow my dads path of selfishness.

 

You don't need to do one or the other here. A happy parent makes a happy child. If you pursue a hobby or whatever one night per week what difference will it make to your child? And it will probably make a huge difference to you.

 

 

Thumbs I am just rambling a bit myself. Hope some of it helps. You asked when it goes away. The reality is that it will never go away. It's like death, it doesn't ever go back to the way it was before, we just find ways to cope with it. Your marriage will never be the way it was before, but do you want that anyway. There may be some benefits, like you are looking at what YOU want now. That has to be a good thing.

 

Sylvia

[ThumbingMyWay]

What it comes down to is:

 

I am still angry that she did this. Regardless what I did (not meeting emo needs and us drifting apart) it does not condone breaking our marriage vows. It truely pisses me off still.

 

No it will NEVER be the same...OK...I understand that, but how does one live with that fact. TIME heals I guess?

[Mz. Pixie]

Time will heal.

 

You know what, you're right- she was wrong. But as Dr. Phil says, "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?"

 

I think part of you would love to get back at her and inflict the type of pain on her that this has inflicted on you. You're too good of a man for that Thumbs- I really believe that.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Time will heal.

 

You know what, you're right- she was wrong. But as Dr. Phil says, "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?"

 

I think part of you would love to get back at her and inflict the type of pain on her that this has inflicted on you. You're too good of a man for that Thumbs- I really believe that.

 

you are right. I want to be happy

 

and no...I could never do it

[whichwayisup]

It's okay to have those days, when they hit you let them hit you. Just know that it will pass and things will settle down again. If you don't acknowledge it THAT is when resentment will come bite you in the bum. I'm glad that you're aware of what you're feeling and why.

 

It would be the easy way out to put up the wall, and just live life as it is... You've not done that, you've faced it all head on - That's not easy to do and to have both you and your wife working together, time is on your side. How much time? I don't know...

 

And don't beat yourself up by having feeling of fleeing the marriage. You know you won't, having thoughts like that I think are healthy because it shows that you're not just staying because of only obligation. Does that make sense? Just did in my head for a second but as I read this, I'm not too sure now...

 

Hang in there, keep venting - It's good for the soul.

[LoveNoLoss]

You ask the same question I ask alot. Especially in the last few days. Obviously you are still very angry and that is acceptable. Everyone has different ways of dealing with things and there is no time limit on healing.

 

It's been 15 months since I kicked my husband out. That is when I found out he always had a girl on the side while we were married... Sometimes 2 or 3.

 

I am alot better than I use to be and even some days I can feel somewhat happy. However, the wierd thing is, right in the middle of my happiness, I start to feel miserable again.

 

I am always in awe of people that stay with their spouses after affairs. I am sure that my husband and I could have worked it out if it was just one affair but he was a serial cheater and most people say those kinds don't change as they are "hardwired"

 

It seems that most people choose to stay with their partners that cheated but I also see them questioning it all the time. They wonder if they made the right choice and find themselves "not" moving on from the past.

 

I never knew how sick and twisted humans can be till I met my husband. I never knew that someone can marry someone with the knowledge that they were going to still live like a bachlor. And I mean.. live it up. I was sold a bad ticket and taken for a horrible ride. Takes two and I am partly to blame especially after not leaving the first two times I caught him.

 

But, everyone is unique and so is their situation. I feel for you and somehow admire that you are "sticking" it out. I don't know your story but I assume your wife cheated on you.

 

I would say, do things for you. I didn't do that and put all my energy in one relationship and paid dearly for it. Make sure you have friends and hobbies on the side. I am of the school of thought.. "its not if you break up but when" Sorry to be so negative but I am just being honest.

 

As I write this, I am still in alot of pain and I wait for the day sunshine leaks into my room.... I think you may still be waiting for the sunshine too. Please work on your anger, as it will only erode your spirit down. I think with time we will be ok but I think it takes MUCH longer than anyone can imagine and it also depends on which road you take. You decided to stay, I decided to go. Both are hell.

 

((HUGS))

[sylviaguardian]

What it comes down to is:

 

I am still angry that she did this. Regardless what I did (not meeting emo needs and us drifting apart) it does not condone breaking our marriage vows. It truely pisses me off still.

 

No it will NEVER be the same...OK...I understand that, but how does one live with that fact. TIME heals I guess?

 

Thumbs,

 

I dunno...this is one of the thoughts that sparks the black moods in me. When I think, no, you actually DID that, it wasn't just a dream. The truth is that it still truly pisses me off too and makes me so angry.

 

Time will not heal this one, I'm afraid. I know people who are still angry about things that happened 25 years ago. Only a conscious decision to let go and stop hurting yourself will heal.

 

Sylvia