eff Posted October 31, 2005 Posted October 31, 2005 Ok, this is going to require a little explanation. My and my Girlfriend Samantha have only been dating 4 months. However this is not exactly a normal 4 month relationship. We have been best friends for 10 years, but never dated for multiple reasons mainly the fear of problems arising. Finally in June we got togather and Things progressed extremely quickly. She's been living with me for 3 months now. Here's the problem. Sex. When we started dating we were having sex daily. Shortly before she moved in it began to quickly drop off. I see people on this board (men and women) complaining about only getting some action 3 or 4 times a week. At this point I would be happy with once a week. We haven't had sex in a month and a half. Every other aspect of our relationship is great but she seems to think thats enough and I'm going crazy. I do't even try to initiate it anymore because it upsets her. While I don't understand why she's like this she basicly said she's just lost her sex drive completely, and it's not me. Basicly it's just like being friends with her. Only difference is when we were just friends we didn't live togather and had sex more often I don't want to push the issue anymore because I feel like a jerk when I do. but I just don't understand what is going through here head. She was never like this.
slubberdegullion Posted October 31, 2005 Posted October 31, 2005 Welcome to the world of the Amazing Changing Woman. Right before your very eyes, she morphs from an attractive, highly-sexed young woman who loves to please and be pleased by you, into, uh, well, something else. If I had a nickel for each time I heard a similar story where the woman changed her behaviour radically after a committment was made to her, I'd be awash in five-cent coins. Frankly, I don't get it either. The only reasoning that I can figure is that she somehow used her previous personality as bait, and now that she's "got" you, she reverts to her natural self. Is she on any medications? Has she had some changes in her life - new job, other stresses - that may account for this change of behaviour? Undoubtedly, being aggressive on the issue will probably just serve to get her defensive, thereby entrenching her position which is exactly what you don't want. By the way, you're not a jerk for wanting what, essentially, you were promised. It's been said that intimacy starts well before bedtime. Keep that in mind as you go about your day and see if things improve. Keep us posted.
Mz. Pixie Posted October 31, 2005 Posted October 31, 2005 The reason that women usually change wanting sex all the time is because the men sometimes change the way they treat the woman after they get them. Keep treating her as you did when you were dating and you'll have no problem. Help around the house, do something for her unselfishly.
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted October 31, 2005 Posted October 31, 2005 Your not being a jerk. i think your relationship turned into the friends relationship that you had before you started dating. First off, 3 months is too soon to lose your sex drive in a realtionship. If that happens, either feelings are being lost or she's just not that into you. Address it. As her how it went from daily to once a month. Something has to be wrong and assertiveness is the way to find out. Plus men need sex. If your not getting it from her, you might be forced to get it somewhere else.
Outcast Posted October 31, 2005 Posted October 31, 2005 The reason that women usually change wanting sex all the time is because the men sometimes change the way they treat the woman after they get them. Exactly. And duh. Are you still courting her? Are you still treating her the way you did while you were dating? Men drop the foreplay, lose a lot of the wooing behaviours, and then wonder 'why she doesn't want sex'? Look first at the rest of your relationship - if that's excellent, she'll want sex. If it's not, that's what needs to be fixed. I'm guessing you spent much more time seducing her before and that's why she responded.
barfool Posted October 31, 2005 Posted October 31, 2005 I agree with Outcast. Foreplay is important, but it can't always make you want sex out of thin air. You need to behave as if you don't have rights to her booty (i.e. pre-shagging). Men should still flirt, give body signals, kiss and caress without forcing her into the sack. That's one thing I really missed in being in a LTR was the makeout sessions with no pressure of sex. If she rejects this, then I'm sorry but it is possible that she is not into this relationship anymore, whether she admits it or not. I too had thought I "lost my sex drive." Then after I broke up with the man in question all of a sudden I'm flaming hot again.
NightsInWhiteSatin Posted October 31, 2005 Posted October 31, 2005 hey, for starters no, you're not a jerk. All you need to do is just find the right moment to talk to her about it and be careful on how you approach it. I'd talk to her about it when youre both in bed before you settle down to sleep. Snuggle up to her and ask her if there's anything wrong or anything she needs to talk about then see what she says but make sure at some point you mention the lack of sex BUT dont say 'We never have sex anymore' DO SAY 'Is there something wrong or something we need to talk about because we never make love anymore and it worries me' and keep a nice calm gentle tone of voice...(us women tend to be more sensitive to the wording and the tone of voice) Another thing, don't be scared to say whats on your mind and if you are think it through and word it the best possible way so not to aggravate or upset the situation at the end of the day youre worried about part of the relationship which happens to be sex which is a big part of a relationship once it gets to that stage and it doesnt make you a jerk to want to make things better. Always cover all areas too ask her if things need 'spicing up' (for example) try and turn it into a little giggle ask her what her fantasies are and if she wont say maybe you could tell her yours first to help her feel more comfortable into sharing etc...anyways hope it goes ok for you.
Author eff Posted November 1, 2005 Author Posted November 1, 2005 Thanks for all the advice guys. As much as evidence would point to the fact that she is bored of the relationship. I really don't think thats quite it. She is very affectionate in non-sexual ways. and has a tendency to talk about us in the extreme distant future. (For the record, I'm ok with that. I've been in love with this girl for years). We get along very well and honestly, if she had any doubts she would probably would have left already. Right now There is a decent amount of stress in both our lives. I don't know. I do my best to keep her happy, and I think she is. The truth is, I'm actually starting to believe her. She has always been very sexually active. I can't believe it would drop off like this. BEFORE she moved in (Did I mention she had to move 80 miles and get a new job.)
Author eff Posted November 3, 2005 Author Posted November 3, 2005 So we finally talked about it the other night. Things had been going good all day and I thought things were going to take a turn for the better. The fact that we didn't get in to an arguement is... I suppose.... better. But still nothing. She seems to want to stay with me. She just doesn't seem to have ANY interest in sex. It's funny the difference between men and women. We are both under a lot of stress right now. I used to come home from work, angry and distressed. but the intimacy between us melted away my problems. For a woman, the way she talks about it anyway. You would think it makes things worse.
Mary3 Posted November 5, 2005 Posted November 5, 2005 I hate to say this but when a woman no longer wants to have sex with you its a bad sign. It means many things A) You bore her in bed. B) She got you where she wanted and the sex has stopped. C) She does not love you anymore and the idea of sex is offensive. D) She is talking to someone else and has feelings for him. E) She has a medical problem down there and is no longer interested. All are NOT good if they persist beyond a week or so....
monkey00 Posted November 5, 2005 Posted November 5, 2005 the way i see it, it was a bad idea to move in together in the first place. sure you guys were friends for 10 years, but shortly getting into a relationship you guys move in so quick? and aside from that you have sex everday for 1.5 months. I think you guys are seeing each other too much, too soon. And thus getting sick of each other because of living under the same roof also. From the sounds of it the romance and excitement/challenge of dating got dry fast. probably cause you guys saw how predictable the other was. One of you should probably move out. Im sure once you guys get to only seeing each other 1x or 2x a week, will the relationship get better. "Give her the gift of missing you." and "give yourself the gift of missing her"
Author eff Posted November 7, 2005 Author Posted November 7, 2005 I just got a job offer in another state and plan on moving immediatly. I figured that when I told her if you guys were right, she would want to stay here, or go home to her parents. But, no she's really excited about moving. I am so confused.
kitten chick Posted November 7, 2005 Posted November 7, 2005 Stress can be a relationship killer. You haven't said why she doesn't have any interest in sex anymore. She uprooted her life for you...left her job, home, friends and possibly family. Is she depressed about this?
Mary3 Posted November 7, 2005 Posted November 7, 2005 Clearly it sounds like she no longer is in love with you. The no sex syndrome and the fact that you said you are leaving and not much of a reaction. Except possible relief on her part. I think this is coming to a close. Move on
Outcast Posted November 7, 2005 Posted November 7, 2005 If she's excited about moving with you and still talking about long-term then I doubt she's fallen out of love. Have her see a physician. Loss of sex drive can be caused by many things and she needs to find out what is behind it. I think it would be a HUGE mistake to just assume she doesn't love you. Female bodies are a puzzle even to females. She needs to see an expert.
Walk Posted November 7, 2005 Posted November 7, 2005 Mary3: I think you read his post wrong. He said she was excited about going with him. Not excited he was leaving. eff: My sex drive will completely disappear when I'm stressed. Gone. zap. I can mentally want it, but physically I am almost incapable of having an orgasm. If she say's she's stressed that's probably the largest factor playing against you. Try to get her to relax more when she gets home. It sounds to me as if she loves you and wants to be a part of her life. Don't pressure her into sex, but do try to seduce her into it. If you have the energy, put more into creating a sexual atmosphere for her. Her likes and desires. It may take more work on your part for a while, but it's still possible. Is there anything you can do to make her life less stressful? Is it financial? Or her job? If you can help her out in other areas of her life maybe that could ease her stress some. Or make weekends the no stress time. Create situations in which work and mundane life can be forgotten for a while. Hikes through a park. Go bike riding together. Worst case scenario, if you can get laid twice during the weekend, it's more then you're getting now. Oh, and find out when her "peak" times are. When she's horniest. Afternoon, morning? Then approach her then. Might as well stack the deck in your favor.
Mary3 Posted November 8, 2005 Posted November 8, 2005 I thought the poster said " She is really excited about me moving " My apologies
Author eff Posted November 8, 2005 Author Posted November 8, 2005 Actually I said she was really excited about going and other then the whole sex issue has been nothing but loving and kind. Anyway. Last night She was back to her old self again. I think walk is right. What she said one time is similar to what you said. I guess it's just hard for a guy to understand how you could want to have sex and not be able to After weeks without sex I had gone through frustration and anger, and finally just given up to apathy. The reason for this I think was that it wasn't the lack of sex was mad about. I was upset that she had no interest in it. If that makes any sense. It's not like I was being a jerk. I just stopped trying. Last night I gave in and she actually came around rather quickly.
Outcast Posted November 8, 2005 Posted November 8, 2005 I guess it's just hard for a guy to understand how you could want to have sex and not be able to Give it another few years and it'll all become clear to you Really, send her to a doctor ASAP.
Walk Posted November 8, 2005 Posted November 8, 2005 Give it another few years and it'll all become clear to you Really, send her to a doctor ASAP. I know that sometimes the doctors are able to help, but every single time I've gone to a doctor for something like this they blow me off and tell me it's all in my head. So I'm not sure even having her go to a doctor would help her any. And if she's depressed, everything I've read and heard say's that the medication for depression makes the person have less sex drive then before. Not sure if this is true, but it seems like it. Anyway, you might have to just work a little harder while she's stressed. Promise you though, if you make sex an issue, you're just going to stress her out more, and you'll probably get less then you wouldn've otherwise. Just try to keep it in her mind. Like reminding her she is sexy, and desired, and whatever you know will turn her on.
Mary3 Posted November 9, 2005 Posted November 9, 2005 Anti-depressants DO make your erongenous areas rather numb. I had that problem and told the doc that he needed to end the meds ASAP Within 3 days I could feel down there again. I would rather jump off a bridge than live without sex....Thank you.
Outcast Posted November 9, 2005 Posted November 9, 2005 but every single time I've gone to a doctor for something like this they blow me off and tell me it's all in my head. Then find one who knows his ass from his elbow. In theory, the younger ones who've been in med school more recently should know more about this stuff. And of course you need to be going to a gyno, not just any old doctor.
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