Mr Mom discovers it's a breeze, resents wife

[cheerfulstoic]

That was an impressively rapid response. Thank you everyone. Many viewpoints, much to think about.

 

Yes, my wife is in intermittent (once a month) therapy to monitor her anti-depressant dose.

 

I agree with a point several of you made, that seeking "back pay" will be destructive, I shouldn't dwell on what's done. I mostly agree - after all it's me living most of the easy life now! But I still feel so ... ripped off. And I need to process that away somehow. And strike a compromise.

 

My problem has two heads:

1)- How can I strike a compromise with my wife now, over how much housework she will do?

2)- What will will we do when I go back to work and she stops again? My eyes are now open. I could accept the current situation and when I go back to work just "work to rule" by copying her example of 9-5 work plus little else. But that would just be unfair the other way, and could only lead downhill.

 

As to the Mars-Venus different standards thing, that's a miss (or as it was mainly gals making that point, more of a Ms). My "dirt! must clean!" threshold is a little lower than hers, which helped get me into this situation. Some of the posters experiences there don't apply to me. And yes there's been a cleaner for years. And the kids have been in full time nursery / school since age 3. And as for "You might actually discover that she resents you for enjoying such brainless duties like doing the dishes", well, if chores were a source of pleasure I wouldn't be posting. But you made other good points Record Producer, I can allow you that.

 

Yes, it is right to say, it was not always such an easy job. Back when the kids were tiny and she was very post natally depressed, she needed all the support. It's just that the support has continued at more or less the previous level, and I didn't realise how much the work has fallen away. Whoever mentioned the idea of a post-childhood "rest period" struck a chord with me. I didn't realise that was her side of the deal though. Still, it's mine now, or would be if I could get her to pick up some of the chores.

 

Something else I need to think about, which I mentioned, was that she is a would be writer. Or a writer. I'm not sure of the difference. She writes, has done for 3 years. She is not published/paid (actually that's not true, a year ago she got paid enough to cover most of the bill for a celebration dinner for two). She likes the activity and process of writing. Her writing is, as much as I am a judge of these things, pretty good although to be honest sometimes a little bit like "therapy art" and I suspect not commercial, though who knows. I will admit that my support for this activity is limited & conditional. I don't say "Hey you just write, no need to earn money or anything - and no time limit!". We now have this compromise "work a few months a year" deal, which both of us resent. I should say that for the first couple of years her writing wasn't a big deal for me as she was learning her limits and technique, and she writes intermittently according to mood and energy, going a month or so without writing anything then doing a stint. I try to respect it but it seems like a black hole of time and energy without tangible positive outcome, kind of like an all consuming hobby. I have hobbies too, or would have, but they are not "art" even though they would meet my needs.

 

I'm inclined to try that "Each write down your needs" approach that was suggested. There's a big misalignment here.

 

Thank you everyone.

[Outcast]

What will will we do when I go back to work and she stops again? My eyes are now open. I could accept the current situation and when I go back to work just "work to rule" by copying her example of 9-5 work plus little else. But that would just be unfair the other way, and could only lead downhill.

 

You have a set of expectations based upon which she may earn your approval. That set of expectations appears to include a certain level of domesticity. The message you send is that unless she lives up to your expectations, you are displeased. Were this a post about a woman expecting her husband to achieve a certain management or income level, you'd have a couple dozen posts about what a horrible person she is to base your worth upon your earning power. But women are 'supposed' to be domestic goddesses and that one may not experience joy at the daily unending grind of cleaning somehow makes her un-female.

 

There's a saying that I think is great; 'dull women have immaculate homes'.

 

You two need to negotiate a settlement about the standards of house care and who does what. And if there are some things that you feel you NEED to have which she doesn't care about, then it's to you to make all the towels perfectly straight, not to get disappointed with her because she does not.

 

You also maybe don't really get how depression sucks the will and energy out of people. Something you think is no big deal may seem an insurmountable task to her. Yes, she's working, but she admits that takes all of her energy.

 

So, IMHO, your resentment is unreasonable. I think you are judging her to be 'lazy' when there are other factors at play here. How do you quit resenting her? Change your expectations. I think you're trying to get blood from a stone.

[Walk]

Not so easy to just change your expectations. He's got a point on how does he get ride of the resentment aspect.

 

I think some of this could be helped with a better understanding of depression in people. Read up on it, talk to her doctor, talk to her, and other people with depression. Find out how it affects people, and what they've done to help with it. If you can remove some of the misconceptions that depression shouldn't affect her any more then a bad day for you, then maybe some of that resentment will lift.

 

A smaller way to hopefully ease some of the resentment, is by putting yourself more in her shoes. Ie. 5 weeks of being laid off, you're still in the "wee, this is so easy." a year later, it's "this sucks! nothing I do gets any recognition... It's the exact same thing I did yesterday, and the day before and the day before....."

 

Another possible way: Get ride of the cleaning service, do all the work yourself, and then take that money and save it for something you want. If the cleaning service was set up to help make your wife's life easier as housewife, then it's no longer needed. So take that extra money and blow it on your hobbies, or interests. As long as you're still cleaning the house, then it shouldn't matter. It was set up for your wife.

(I'm not saying this is the best course of action, but would give you a sort of evil satisfaction.)

 

Or take the extra money and use it for better vacations, or "us" endeavor's that will help make the both of your lives richer and more connected.

 

Just brainstorming here. Thought I'd try to throw out some suggestions the resentment issue. Anyone else have any ideas?

[Walk]

I'm still sticking with the "you suck" as far as not supporting her writing. It took my Mom 5 years to sell her first novel. She has 28 published now.

 

My Dad and her set up a timeline for her to sell her first novel. Which was five years. She'd been writing prior to that. (5 years is the IRS definition of a hobby if you still can't show a profit in that time.) So she stayed home with the kids, did the housewife thing and wrote when she had time.

 

If my Dad had taken the approach you do, my Mom never would've gotten published. He would've killed her dreams if he'd seen it as a waste of time, and nothing more then artistic crap. This was her dream, and her goal. He supported her in it, with no idea if it would ever pay off.

 

Took Stephen King 10 years to sell his first novel.

 

Here's a rejection letter to Ernest Hemingway:

 

June 14 th , 1925.

 

Dear Mr. Hemingway:

 

Thank you for sending us your manuscript, The Sun Also Rises . I regret to inform you that we will not be offering you publication at this time.

 

If I may be frank, Mr. Hemingway -- you certainly are in your prose -- I found

your efforts to be both tedious and offensive. You really are a manís man, arenít you? I wouldnít be surprised to hear that you had penned this entire story locked up at the club, ink in one hand, brandy in the other. Your bombastic, dipsomaniac, where-to-now characters had me reaching for my own glass of brandy -- something to liven up 250 pages of men who are constantly stopping to sleep off the drink. What Peacock & Peacock is looking for, in a manuscript, is innovation and heart. Iím afraid that what you have produced here does not fit that description.

 

A great story, Mr. Hemingway, is built on a foundation of great characters. I had trouble telling yours apart. Remind me, which is the broken-hearted bachelor who travels aimlessly across ......

**

Writers are admired if they're published, and dismissed as frivilous and a nobody if they haven't.

[Mz. Pixie]

Another thing is that I want to enjoy my kids while they are still home. I like to keep my house clean and I am anal about certain things but basically if my child wants me to hold her or read a book I do that instead of the dishes.

 

No one ever says on their death bed that they wish they would have done more dishes!

 

I also take this approach when dealing with my husband. For instance, I'd much rather cuddle in bed with him or make love that doing laundry. Usually he will offer to help me get that done afterwards.

[Steedman]

Oh please, don't make such rash gender assumptions... It drives me crazy that my wife doesn't see the sticky sugar and other stuff she leaves on the kitchen counter and doesn't bother taking the 10 seconds to wipe . Never mind her bathroom. There are plenty of female slobs out there OK!?

 

WHOAH. Down off those high horses please gentlemen!!

 

One point I would like to make, which you fail to mention, is standards.

 

IMHO and experience, men do not have the same standards of cleanliness, or hygine that women have. I’m not making blanket assumptions, or saying ‘all men are pigs’. I’m being honest about what one sex sees as clean against the other.

 

Men only tend to see surface mess and dirt. Women are aware of the ground in dirt, the things that need cleaning on a daily, weekly, monthly, annual basis.

 

I bet your wives have ideas/schedules of when to disinfect this, clean out the fridge, defrost the freezer, wash all the curtains etc. etc.

 

Do you dust the skirting board, clean the toilet properly, clean the oven, grill etc.…? My bet is that you aren’t actually as of yet doing anything like 60% of what your wife is doing.

[RecordProducer]

No one ever says on their death bed that they wish they would have done more dishes!

 

A woman on her death bed: "Dear hisband, I forgive you for ruining all my dreams!"

 

The husband: "Dear wife, I forgive you for never doing the laundry and dishes on time."

[Mz. Pixie]

Yeah, that's NOT going to happen.

 

Sometimes it's not the actual thing the person is complaining about but rather the emotions that go behind it.

[Becoming]

Mz Pixie's right--school-age kids are a dream compared to pre-schoolers. It was SHEER JOY to go to work 50-hrs/week outside the home--much easier in many ways. Only problem was I had to come home to work The Second Shift cleaning up everything my husband just kinda waved a towel over and called good.

 

And yes, it was what it represented that was the underlying issue.

[Cecelius]

Personally, I am shocked that this was a surprise. A pal of mine and I were chatting the other day about easiest jobs in the world, and other than "Lottery Winner," stay-at-home mom was the easiest job we could think of.

 

I agree with the post above about differing energy levels, though, as part of the "social contract" theory, but then I don't think that marriage has any business being a legally binding agreement in this day and age of presumed equality.

[Outcast]

The popular big talk shows have had many episodes where they send the mothers off to a spa for a day or a weekend and leave the knowitall husbands to take care of the home and the toddlers by themselves. When the women return, the men kiss their feet and change their ways bigtime because it seems to take personal experience to teach some people who just don't get it.

[slubberdegullion]

When the women return, the men kiss their feet and change their ways bigtime because it seems to take personal experience to teach some people who just don't get it.

Naahh, I don't buy it. I've seen similar shows (maybe we saw the same one) but the whole reason those shows are on TV is because the situations are outside of the norm. Plenty of men handle kids & household stuff all the time and don't give it a second thought. Granted, the women usually do work more in the household than the men do, but that doesn't imply that the fellows are oblivious to the needs of the house & kids.

 

Dealing with wee ones is also not nearly as difficult as some make it out to be (speaking from experience here). Once the kids have clear expectations of rights and responsibilities and clear follow-through when they don't (with abundant grace, I might add) it doesn't take long to ensure peace in the household. And the peace is a productive one, based on respect and caring and not on fear.

[Outcast]

Once the kids have clear expectations of rights and responsibilities and clear follow-through when they don't

 

I'm not talking about socialized kids. I'm talking when they are totally dependent, at home, and needing things all day long. Before they can understand or comply with 'clear expectations of rights and responsibilities'.

[Becoming]

[

I'm not talking about socialized kids. I'm talking when they are totally dependent, at home, and needing things all day long. Before they can understand or comply with 'clear expectations of rights and responsibilities'.

 

Me too!

[slubberdegullion]

I'm not talking about socialized kids. I'm talking when they are totally dependent, at home, and needing things all day long. Before they can understand or comply with 'clear expectations of rights and responsibilities'.

Neither am I.

 

I'm talking about the 16-month-old who throws a tantrum because he wants chocolate for dinner. I'm talking about the 3 year old who wants to stay up late. I'm talking about the 2-year-old who goes ballistic in the grocery store because she wants gum.

 

Every action has a consequence. Even preschoolers will understand that as long as the caregiver follows through. The follow-through is everything, and it does NOT mean smacking the child upside the head or on the bum. That's not discipline. Reinforcing good behaviour and discouraging bad behaviour is all there is to it.

 

I didn't say it was easy, but it is simple.

[reader]

This may have been mentioned in this long thread, but I stayed home with my children for many years, working part time when possible. (I lived in a rural area where part time jobs are hard to find.) I've worked full time now for about 6 years.

 

There is more to raising children than changing diapers and cleaning the kitchen. I read to my kids all the time, took them places, taught them as much as I possibly could. Connecting with kids takes a lot of work, time and patience. I believe it paid off.

 

That lifestyle is different for different people. What is easy for you may be hard or frustrating for someone else.

 

Besides, the price you pay for staying home is this: no seniority, no respect, (or at least, very little), no current job skills or professional reputation, in my case - not much money saved since I wasn't earning any. It took me 4 years to gain some respect in the working world, I'm still working on the money part, and will not get a full pension unless I work until I'm 73. No one has it easy, no matter which route they go.

 

I don't have any answers. I am so glad I stayed home with my kids, but I paid the price in other ways.

 

Please, don't be too judgemental. Take it one day at a time.

[roadx]

Your resentment has to do with her not appreciating all the hard work that you do, and vice versa.

 

A marriage is not like an accounting ledger. Keeping score will never work because everyone thinks the other partner has it easy which is never true.

 

To counter your feelings of resentment, think of the situation this way: rather than feel resentful, be very proud that you were able to carry most of the workload and because of your efforts, you gave your wife the opportunity to have it so "easy" so she can pursue her passion of writing. It may not be technically correct that she had it so easy, but it will make you feel proud nonetheless.

 

Besides, since you are the luckiest guy in the world to have married your wife, wouldn't you want her to have it so "easy" ?

 

roadx

[wizzawhat]

WHOAH. Down off those high horses please gentlemen!!

 

One point I would like to make, which you fail to mention, is standards.

 

IMHO and experience, men do not have the same standards of cleanliness, or hygine that women have. I’m not making blanket assumptions, or saying ‘all men are pigs’. I’m being honest about what one sex sees as clean against the other.

 

Men only tend to see surface mess and dirt. Women are aware of the ground in dirt, the things that need cleaning on a daily, weekly, monthly, annual basis.

 

I bet your wives have ideas/schedules of when to disinfect this, clean out the fridge, defrost the freezer, wash all the curtains etc. etc.

 

Do you dust the skirting board, clean the toilet properly, clean the oven, grill etc.…? My bet is that you aren’t actually as of yet doing anything like 60% of what your wife is doing.

 

This is a rediculous assumption...offensive, actually! I wouldn't ever dare to jump to conclusions like that.

[Tamrick]

One of the things that was not discussed in this post is that housework has a huge boredom factor. You are doing the same thing day in and day out. How long has this husband been doing this? If it is only for a short time then he will still have the energy to do it. After you have washed the same dishes 1000+ times you will probably do it slower and with less enthusiasm.

 

I'm not defending your wife - maybe it would be better if you both worked at the same time and hired someone to do the cleaning, or even both shared the load equally. As far as the writing goes - has she published anything or is it a hobby?

 

Most importntly you need to talk about what you both want and whose chores are whose. Communication is more important than how clean the toilet is or even who cleaned it. Stop competing with each other and work out something that works for you both.