Vol Fan Posted January 21, 2023 Posted January 21, 2023 I know I will get some backlash for this, but I really need some advice. My marriage for the past 5 years was not working out because there was no sex, no communication, and we lived like we were roommates with our two girls. I talked to my wife about what I needed from her on numerous occasions, and it went good for a few weeks, but then it was back to the old normal. I started talking to this woman the last year of our marriage because you know the old saying, if you are not getting it at home, you will find it elsewhere. There was no sex involved, just an emotional connection. I finally decided to go to counseling with my wife to see if it would help us. Long story short, my wife and I agreed that we just lost the connection, so we decided to separate and get a divorce. Since we separated, the women I have been seeing is also married. She wanted a divorce from her husband also, but i told her she needs to wait until after the holiday season. Last week she sat down with him and had a talk. A little background of their relationship, they have been married for 20+ years. The last 8 years they have not had sex, they sleep in separate bedrooms, and there is no communication. Like mine and my wife's relationship, like roommates. They are going to go to counseling because there are some unresolved issues that they need to work through to make a clean break and they also have custody of their two grand babies. Me and my girlfriend have started talking about having a future together and we both are deeply in love with each other. I have been waiting for 6 months for this to happen. I am jealous for obvious reasons that he is still in the house. I do get upset at some things and it is nothing that she is doing. I told her to do what she needs to do her way. Unfortunately, I do make myself miserable and upset now that i know the process of a divorce between her and her husband has been started. What do I need to do to keep myself from getting myself worked up and continue to have patience while she is going through the divorce with her husband?
basil67 Posted January 22, 2023 Posted January 22, 2023 Why do you get upset about knowing that she's started the divorce process? Is this not what you want?
Acacia98 Posted January 22, 2023 Posted January 22, 2023 Perhaps you need to get to the bottom of your anxieties. What exactly are you worried about and why?
Wiseman2 Posted January 22, 2023 Posted January 22, 2023 20 hours ago, Vol Fan said: . They are going to go to counseling because there are some unresolved issues that they need to work. he is still in the house. Unfortunately they're living together as a married couple and going to counselling together. Step back and reflect if you want to wait until they figure things out . 1
Calmandfocused Posted January 22, 2023 Posted January 22, 2023 Op, her “divorce process” has not started, at least not from a legal perspective. From your op there is nothing to suggest that anything has started at all. Furthermore you don’t “go to counselling” to work out how to split custody/ assets etc. You go to counselling to identify whether or not your marriage is dead in the water and if anything is salvageable. My sense is that you’re having the wool pulled over your eyes. There is more going on than you think. Bottom line: she’s staying in her marriage because she wants to. You could be waiting a long time for her to leave her husband, if it ever happens. 4
glows Posted January 22, 2023 Posted January 22, 2023 The situation isn’t clear regarding their grandchildren. If they’re working out coparenting as guardians then yes, counselling for coparenting exists but know also that many couples don’t end up divorcing if there are young children involved. I’d also be keeping the finances and ages in mind. It may be that separation and divorce isn’t feasible in their case. How do you know they started the divorce process? Did either file? Is it amicable or a desk divorce? Has she told you what the plan is for either of them to move? Where are you at in your divorce? You’re separated and not divorced from what I’m reading. I’d put some distance here and consider reconvening after you’re both on the same page with less issues in the way. Think of your own mental health and now is also the time to reevaluate and think about what you want for yourself going forward. Life doesn’t last forever. Think about your bucket list and make it a hell of a good one.
Author Vol Fan Posted January 22, 2023 Author Posted January 22, 2023 5 hours ago, basil67 said: Why do you get upset about knowing that she's started the divorce process? Is this not what you want? You are correct, this is what we both want. She has been with this man for 20+ years and we have been seeing each other for a year now. I guess its the fact that she still caters to him such as she continues to make up his bed when they sleep in separate bedrooms. To me, if you are done, the quirks I use to do is obsolete. Plus, he is a grown man, is it really that hard to make up a bed?
Author Vol Fan Posted January 22, 2023 Author Posted January 22, 2023 5 hours ago, Acacia98 said: Perhaps you need to get to the bottom of your anxieties. What exactly are you worried about and why? My anxieties stems from she has been done with this marriage for over 7 years it is a loveless and sexless marriage. She cares about him and how can you not with being with someone for 20+ years, but she is not in love with him. I told her she needed to wait until after the holidays to sit down with him, because it's going to hurt for him, but doing before the holidays is not what I wanted for him or her to go through. No its the new year, they have talked, and there still hasn't been any progress.
Author Vol Fan Posted January 22, 2023 Author Posted January 22, 2023 5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Unfortunately they're living together as a married couple and going to counselling together. Step back and reflect if you want to wait until they figure things out . They are going to wait until they get their income tax for him to move out. I have been doing a lot of thinking and what you have mentioned has crossed my mind.
Author Vol Fan Posted January 22, 2023 Author Posted January 22, 2023 4 hours ago, Calmandfocused said: Op, her “divorce process” has not started, at least not from a legal perspective. From your op there is nothing to suggest that anything has started at all. Furthermore you don’t “go to counselling” to work out how to split custody/ assets etc. You go to counselling to identify whether or not your marriage is dead in the water and if anything is salvageable. My sense is that you’re having the wool pulled over your eyes. There is more going on than you think. Bottom line: she’s staying in her marriage because she wants to. You could be waiting a long time for her to leave her husband, if it ever happens. I stand corrected, it has not started from a legal perspective. They are not going to counseling to divide assets/custody. When they sat down, he stated that he knew this was going to happen. She has talked to him multiple times about what she needs from him for the past 7 years. Unfortunately, he has not made an attempt to even try to give her what she needs. According to her, their marriage is dead and there is no hope salvaging what little there is. They are both unhappy from my understanding. They are going to counseling because he states that he doesn't know how to talk to her or even try to start to repair. The counseling is to help him express and give her a understanding of why he is not able to fix this. I don't understand his logic because if I am with someone for 20+ years, you would think you would know how to talk to your wife, am I missing something? I have thought that the wool has been pulled over my head also. The things she has done makes me think otherwise such as she has met my kids, she has attended birthday parties (bought presents and brought her grandbabies to the parties), she bought my kids Christmas presents, had Christmas dinner with my family and has met my whole family. Yesterday was my 8-year-olds birthday, but I didn't do a party for her. She is recovering from having her tonsils taking out a week ago. We will do her birthday party when I have my girls next time. My girlfriend decided to go get her a balloon and cupcakes to drop them off to her. So, should I still believe that the wool is being pulled over my head? I do believe she is not telling me everything, but she has told me a lot what is going on. She wants to do this her wat, which I agreed to. I have given her a year and I told her recently that if you want to long to make any progress it may be too late for us. The longer she waits to progress the divorce, she will be losing me at the same time.
Author Vol Fan Posted January 22, 2023 Author Posted January 22, 2023 3 hours ago, glows said: The situation isn’t clear regarding their grandchildren. If they’re working out coparenting as guardians then yes, counselling for coparenting exists but know also that many couples don’t end up divorcing if there are young children involved. I’d also be keeping the finances and ages in mind. It may be that separation and divorce isn’t feasible in their case. How do you know they started the divorce process? Did either file? Is it amicable or a desk divorce? Has she told you what the plan is for either of them to move? Where are you at in your divorce? You’re separated and not divorced from what I’m reading. I’d put some distance here and consider reconvening after you’re both on the same page with less issues in the way. Think of your own mental health and now is also the time to reevaluate and think about what you want for yourself going forward. Life doesn’t last forever. Think about your bucket list and make it a hell of a good one. What I mean by process is they have had the discussion and no one has filed as of yet. As far as the counseling, I explained that in a previous post Calmandfocused. They are going to wait to get their income tax to pay off some bills, so that it will be easier on them and to have the money for him to move out. Last week we had mediation for my divorce. She did not agree to any of what I proposed. We are going to court, unfortunately. I have done some thinking about going forward and evaluating our relationship.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 22, 2023 Posted January 22, 2023 This woman is not at all done with her marriage. She says it's loveless and sexless but her actions with him indicate she is still attached and not ready to cut the cord either. 1
Author Vol Fan Posted January 22, 2023 Author Posted January 22, 2023 I can see her attachment, she has known him her whole life. I do have my doubts and think the same as you do.
JTSW Posted January 23, 2023 Posted January 23, 2023 17 hours ago, Vol Fan said: I guess its the fact that she still caters to him such as she continues to make up his bed when they sleep in separate bedrooms. To me, if you are done, the quirks I use to do is obsolete. Plus, he is a grown man, is it really that hard to make up a bed? I had to comment on this first because I laughed out loud at it. You are bothered that she makes his bed? Really? This means absolutely nothing, you know that right? As @S2B said, you are too deeply involved in their marriage when it is none of your business. I also agree with others that they are not likely to ever get divorced.
Wiseman2 Posted January 23, 2023 Posted January 23, 2023 17 hours ago, Vol Fan said: Last week we had mediation for my divorce. She did not agree to any of what I proposed. We are going to court, unfortunately. Yes. Focus on your own divorce. This woman is still married and going to counselling and acting like a married couple.
smackie9 Posted January 23, 2023 Posted January 23, 2023 (edited) I think you both should stop talking about their marriage, what she does there, what they talk about etc is really none of your business. Take yourself completely out of the conversation. Stop talking about future plans also....put that on the back burner until you both are free and clear/divorced, property settled etc. I say that because talk is just that, talk and should never be taken as promises...no one can predict the future. You accepted taking this situation (her still married), and you can't control it. What I'm doing is trying to pull you out of the clouds, and see it for what it really is. There is no telling where you will be a year from now. It could work out, or it could just fall apart. Just date, enjoy her company. If she never makes the steps to have the divorce finalized, you simple end it. Where or how long you wait will be up to you. Edited January 23, 2023 by smackie9 1
Calmandfocused Posted January 24, 2023 Posted January 24, 2023 (edited) On 1/22/2023 at 5:40 PM, Vol Fan said: I stand corrected, it has not started from a legal perspective. They are not going to counseling to divide assets/custody. When they sat down, he stated that he knew this was going to happen. She has talked to him multiple times about what she needs from him for the past 7 years. Unfortunately, he has not made an attempt to even try to give her what she needs. According to her, their marriage is dead and there is no hope salvaging what little there is. They are both unhappy from my understanding. They are going to counseling because he states that he doesn't know how to talk to her or even try to start to repair. The counseling is to help him express and give her a understanding of why he is not able to fix this. I don't understand his logic because if I am with someone for 20+ years, you would think you would know how to talk to your wife, am I missing something? I have thought that the wool has been pulled over my head also. The things she has done makes me think otherwise such as she has met my kids, she has attended birthday parties (bought presents and brought her grandbabies to the parties), she bought my kids Christmas presents, had Christmas dinner with my family and has met my whole family. Yesterday was my 8-year-olds birthday, but I didn't do a party for her. She is recovering from having her tonsils taking out a week ago. We will do her birthday party when I have my girls next time. My girlfriend decided to go get her a balloon and cupcakes to drop them off to her. So, should I still believe that the wool is being pulled over my head? I do believe she is not telling me everything, but she has told me a lot what is going on. She wants to do this her wat, which I agreed to. I have given her a year and I told her recently that if you want to long to make any progress it may be too late for us. The longer she waits to progress the divorce, she will be losing me at the same time. Hang on! You are allowing your “still very married” girlfriend to be intergrated in the lives of your very young children? The same children whose parents are not even divorced yet? What kind of example do you think you’re setting to your children Op? Have you stopped to consider what’s best for them and their needs? I think you’re so caught up in the fairytale idea of being with this woman that all your rationality has gone out the window. I think you need to get your head out the clouds, wake up and get your feet firmly back on the ground, for everyone’s sake but mainly yours. Edited January 24, 2023 by Calmandfocused 1
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