genEric Posted October 31, 2005 Posted October 31, 2005 My sitch in a nutshell: 10+ years living together. She, I, her daughter, and 3 dogs. She bailed two weeks ago and moved her and her daughter to her mothers. No problem- it's been a long time coming. I'm being as nice as can be for a couple of reasons; It's the right way to be- I'm not about to get nasty with her now- I figure we can break up like "adults" and be civil to one another. After all, we have ten years of business to sort out such as bank accounts, bills, etc. Here's the catch(s): Catch #1 She was my bookkeeper for my business so at this point I need her help in learning the system. We've met once each weekend to get me up to speed on the bookkeeping. I'm catching on quick so I won't need her help much longer. Other than the end-of-year paperwork looming in the near future I t can just about do it on my own. Catch #2 As I said, I got the dogs. (thank God!) They are inside dogs and therefore need to be let out once daily while I'm at work. Her daughter (16) goes to school nearby so I asked for her help with the dogs. She lets them out after school and I give her $20 on Fridays. The ex has been moving her things out slowly. Too slowly. She even took last week off of work but has still not even come close to getting the rest of her things out. Lots of excuses. Same old story for her- grandiose plans, unfinished projects, lots of excuses... I am getting on with my life and am really enjoying cleaning up and sprucing up the house and making it "mine" instead of "ours". Hard to do, though, when she still has tons of stuff here! I want her things out of here asap and want to begin full N/C but I'm kinda stuck- I am still a little dependant on her for her bookkeeping help, and more importantly I am VERY dependant on her daughter for her help with the dogs. If I lay down a hard (or even a firm, polite) line with the ex about getting her things out of here I am confidant that she will manipulate her daughter into bailing out on the dog help. I live in a rural area so there are no neighbors that could take over regarding the dogs. My folks are in their late 70's and would have to drive over an hour round trip each day to let the dogs out. Come spring I will have enough $ saved up to install a big fence and doggy door but in the meantime I'm kinda in a bind! How can I get her stuff outta here and begin strict N/C under these circumstances? I know that every time the ex and I have contact its a set-back for me and I just want to get this over with and get on with my own life. Thanks for reading and I will appreciate any thoughts you good people might offer. -genEric
scobro Posted October 31, 2005 Posted October 31, 2005 pick a day rent a truck and move all her stuff out with her present during this of course.Once that's done the no contact will be just that no calls e-mails seeing her etc.....
Author genEric Posted October 31, 2005 Author Posted October 31, 2005 Thanks for your input but I think you missed my points: It's not the physical removal of her things that I'm having trouble with- I could easilly truck them to her house myself. My dilemna is my dependance on her assistance as well as her daughters assistance, albeit temporary. I'm trying to walk a fine line here with her and her daughter- not wanting to cut off nose to spite my face... Thanks again, genEric
Art_Critic Posted October 31, 2005 Posted October 31, 2005 You need to take control and exercise your manhood.. She doesn't have control over you.. Dump her as your bookkeeper immediatly.. That is just bad business to let her control your boooks.. Hire a bookeeping firm to reset the books up so you can understand them.. DO NOT believe you are tied to her.. you aren't I see you making excuses not solutions here.. Deal with the dogs in the same type of fasion.. Take control dude.. If you don't she will hand you your head in the end..
scobro Posted October 31, 2005 Posted October 31, 2005 They are inside dogs and therefore need to be let out once daily while I'm at work. I have 2 dogs small miniature pinschers and I live in an apartment.I let them out for a walk before I go to work then when I get home 8 hours later.They are trained to go on pee pads.Why do you need her daughter to walk them could you not do it before and after work.Lots of dog owners do this. You stated you are learning what she needs to teach you so take what you know and learn it some other way.If she died you would have to do that anyway.It seems like you might be looking for reasons to hang on a bit longer nothing is going to work out perfect with your dogs and bookeeping you just need to make due on your own,if thats what you want
Author genEric Posted November 1, 2005 Author Posted November 1, 2005 You need to take control and exercise your manhood.. My manhood is not at question here. She doesn't have control over you.. I concur Dump her as your bookkeeper immediatly.. That is just bad business to let her control your boooks.. Hire a bookeeping firm to reset the books up so you can understand them.. After ten years of her bookkeeping it only took a couple weeks to sort it out- I'm confident that I can handle it from here onwards- End-of year will be tough but I'll get 'er done. She is in no way "controlling" my books, but I certainly DO have an occasional question but I can dope it out on my own. Point well-taken. No more questions for her. DO NOT believe you are tied to her.. you aren't I see you making excuses not solutions here.. WTF am I here for but solutions? Seeking input from others. Deal with the dogs in the same type of fasion.. Fire her daughter? I raised her for the past ten years. She grew up with these dogs. As I stated in my original post I plan on installing a fence and doggy door in the spring. My concern is in the meantime. Take control dude.. If you don't she will hand you your head in the end.. The end is already past "dude"- I am embracing my current life as well as future life without her. Hand me my head? Not a chance. Thanks for your input. genEric
Sloppy Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 The daughter is old enough and I am sure she loves the extra cash for such easy work. Why do you thin that her mother would prevent her from that? Does the daughter have the chance to excercise her own will? Since you are asking I'm sure there is a possibility and reason the mother would cut it off. Could you maybe explain why you want this overwith and that you would like to use her daughter's services? She sounds pretty reasonable since you are still able to work together and are helping each other.
Author genEric Posted November 1, 2005 Author Posted November 1, 2005 I have 2 dogs small miniature pinschers and I live in an apartment.I let them out for a walk before I go to work then when I get home 8 hours later.They are trained to go on pee pads.Why do you need her daughter to walk them could you not do it before and after work.Lots of dog owners do this. I too take my dogs out before and after work. I work more than 12 hours per day plus commute. I prefer NOT to come home to urine-soaked pads. Or urine-soaked anything for that matter... As stated in my original post, I will be installing fence and doggy-door in the spring. For what it's worth, I spent the past ten+ years raising her daughter as well as the dogs. She is attached to them and the last thing the poor kid needs right now is one more rug pulled out from underneath her. I am, and have for ten years, been the one constant stable thing in her life. If you have raised a child perhaps you understand. If not, you're simply not qualified to speak further regarding children. You stated you are learning what she needs to teach you so take what you know and learn it some other way.If she died you would have to do that anyway.It seems like you might be looking for reasons to hang on a bit longer nothing is going to work out perfect with your dogs and bookeeping you just need to make due on your own,if thats what you want Fair enough re: the bookkeeping. I decided today that I'll figure it out on my own come hell or high water. I've overcome far tougher things in my life- I shall overcome this as well. Hanging on to the ex? Not a chance. I can't honestly say I love her, and I sure as hell don't like her any more. She has damaged her daughter as well as myself terribly and I refuse believe anything she says. Rather than seeking an "excuse" to deal with her, I thought I made it clear that I am trying to eliminate her from my life, but to do so in such a fashion that I don't compound my problems or complicate things further. Your input is once again appreciated. genEric
Author genEric Posted November 1, 2005 Author Posted November 1, 2005 The daughter is old enough and I am sure she loves the extra cash for such easy work. Why do you thin that her mother would prevent her from that? Does the daughter have the chance to excercise her own will? Since you are asking I'm sure there is a possibility and reason the mother would cut it off. Could you maybe explain why you want this overwith and that you would like to use her daughter's services? She sounds pretty reasonable since you are still able to work together and are helping each other. Her mother has a history of manipulating the child when things don't go according to her plans. She has used her daughter as a pawn, a messenger, and at times for some sort of revenge. Daughter can only excersize her free will to the extent that her mother allows. Although the ex seems reasonable, she is only reasonable on her terms, and when it suits her immediate needs. Right now, she apparantly "needs" my place for storage. She wants to "keep up appearances" so as to not appear to be the manipulative witch to her family and our mutual friends therefore she has been cooperative thus far. She is also very guilt-motivated but it quickly fades. She has shown me her ugly side one time too many and I simply want to get on with my life without her participation of any kind. Thanks for your thoughts- I look forward to your further input. genEric
Sloppy Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 Wow, I feel for the daughter. This is probably not gonna work and you would be the nice guy, but how about you rent a storage unit (after you ask her to get her stuff, explaining you are remodeling the house and it's in the way) for a month and move her stuff in there? Unfortunatelly by what you described, that probably wouldn't do any good. The only advice and wish for you is to try to communicate your needs to her and hope she will for once be an adult and deal with you in respectful manner - and hopefully she leaves her daughter out of HER drama. That's just making me so angry now! Ugh, what a mother
scobro Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 Her daughter (16) goes to school nearby so I asked for her help with the dogs. She lets them out after school and I give her $20 on Fridays. Ok in the post you never mention about raising her for 10 years and it would be like pulling a rug from her.For all i knew she could be put out letting the dogs out and doesn't really want to do it. If I lay down a hard (or even a firm, polite) line with the ex about getting her things out of here I am confidant that she will manipulate her daughter into bailing out on the dog help. if she can be manipulated to stop with the dogs ity wouldn't be like pulling the rug from under her. If she is that attached I doubt she would get manipulated into stopping. The ex has been moving her things out slowly. Too slowly. This is why I recommended getting a truck. If you have raised a child perhaps you understand. If not, you're simply not qualified to speak further regarding children. Yes I have a 10 year old myself. and more importantly I am VERY dependant on her daughter for her help with the dogs. You are not dependant on her you just know she loves the dogs and wants to help,If she came and said I do not want to help out anymore the dogs would still be fine with being let out before and after work.
Art_Critic Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 Hand me my head? Not a chance. Are you the childs father ?? That is how she will do you in.. I've been thru it before.. My stepdaughter was in my life for 5 years and there was a dog involved as well.. If you are not the childs father then her mother gets to make ALL decisions about her welfare. Hopefully she will not use the child as a pawn.. My ex did.. It took me years to rebuild the relationship with my stepdaughter after the divorce and even today .. it is almost non existant If you think that your soon to be ex will be nice to you and smile while you two split up then you might want to rethink that.. Her daughter is the most important priority in her life and you are the last..
Author genEric Posted November 1, 2005 Author Posted November 1, 2005 Are you the childs father ?? That is how she will do you in.. Already been done. She poisoned her against me for the past year. If you are not the childs father then her mother gets to make ALL decisions about her welfare. Hopefully she will not use the child as a pawn.. My ex did.. It took me years to rebuild the relationship with my stepdaughter after the divorce and even today .. it is almost non existant She has been using her daughter against me for quite some time. Since she removed my "parental" control from the childs life, her grades have dropped, she got caught with drugs at school, dresses poorly, and has a terrible attitude. The ex is simply powerless to hurt me further, but she can certainly damage the child further. I know that my relationship with her daughter will be forever tainted, but I just want to keep it minimized. If you think that your soon to be ex will be nice to you and smile while you two split up then you might want to rethink that.. Her daughter is the most important priority in her life and you are the last.. We already split up. It's her foot-dragging thats making N/C difficult for me! I certainly am her last priority- have been for a couple years now. And unfortunately, her daughter is not her top priority either. I don't miss the ex. I actually look forward to coming home to a clean, quiet, sane house at night! I just want to get this wrapped up and remove any need for further contact, but I'm trying to do so without bringing her wrath down upon her daughter any further. I guess that I can only do so much, and if she wants to further hurt her daughter I really have no say-so. Hey folks, for what its worth, I sat down and cranked out my month-end books last night! Woo hoo! It took a long time but I doped it out and got 'er done. If I can handle end-of-month I'm sure I can handle end-of-year too. I got the kick in the ass I needed from you guys. Thanks to all. genEric
Art_Critic Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 genEric.. Hot dog about the books... It sounds like you are living a real sad story.. Sorry.. Her daughter knows the truth and even though you are being tainted she will keep you in her heart. Kids are like that.. As hard as it is you really need to try and pull away from the whole situation including her daughter.. I think someone else gave the option of a truck.. You also could recommend that she either finish moving or you will put it all in storage and hand her the bill. I know what it is like to have your life in flux like you are.. craving to get it all over with and move on.. I used to live in the marriage house that had all the kids wallpaper on the walls.. it drove me insane and sold the house instead of removing the paper and just got rid of the ghost house.. Keep up the Posting..
scobro Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 Hey folks, for what its worth, I sat down and cranked out my month-end books last night! Woo hoo! It took a long time but I doped it out and got 'er done. If I can handle end-of-month I'm sure I can handle end-of-year too. I got the kick in the ass I needed from you guys. Thats great way to go!!!!! I find this board has been nothing but amazing for helping me through my separation and I can see it is helping you.There are times I actually feel anxiety building up and I come to LS and I feel better its awsome:)
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