A situation... confused! HELP ANYONE?

[hoorel]

New here (just thought I'd get that out of the way)

 

I'm not a mean person. I avoid confrontation whenever I can. I cannot bear to say no to anyone... just a little background on me.....

 

Married to my wife for 6 years... together for 7. Three weeks ago, I'd finally had enough. I left everything to her and walked away. I have been emotionally absent from the marriage for the past 2 years. I have lost all feelings of love and passion for her. I have tried to re-spark whatever small flame I had for her years ago, but to no success. Things about her have changed so much that I cannot look at her with loving eyes the same I used to... or think I used to.

 

I say think because I do not remember what it was that kept me with her. It was definatly not physical attraction. Or emotional stability. I met her when I was 20 years old at college, alone and having a hard time. I'd never really had a long term GF when I met her. I remember getting in an argument and in order to keep her from leaving me and being alone again I told her that I would marry her. I never thought I would, but when I got her pregnant, I did the noble thing and married her. Wedding was horrible, family hated it (mine anyways.. hers are old-fashioned, and thought that it was the right thing to do seing as though she was pregnant. My parents were handing me the keys to the car a half hour before the wedding saying "if you want out now, just go...." Nice way to start.

 

She was totally in love with me. I always had feelings of doubt. I lost sleep and would stand outside looking at the stars asking whoever was listening if this is where I was supposed to be. Never got an answer for years... We had our son 7 months into the marriage, and he brought a smile to my face. I found a new love to be around. It was not my wife though. It was this little part of me learning to walk and talk. He kept me going. He is going on 6 years old now.

 

She let her self go. What little physical attraction I had was lost when she began loosing intrest in her health. FIVE years had gone by and she still blames being pregnant for her physical appearance. I work in an athletic, and competetive career. I am constantly working on my appearance, and health, and tried to no success to get her to follow. Hundreds of dollars and several expensive workout outfits and pairs of shoes later, and she still wouldnt go.

 

2 years ago I started to question the basis of our relationship. I looked past the love I had for my son and took a good long look at this partner I had in my life. She constantly criticized my career, and made me feel guilty for having her follow me around the country from station to station. She blamed me for loosing focus on her dreams. She didnt work for the first 4 years of our marriage and then when she started working 2.5 years ago she thought she created a cure for cancer and was the only bread winner in the family. Doesnt matter the fact that my career took a long time to pay off... It is my dream and she resented the fact that she didnt get to follow hers.

 

Many of the things she told me about herself when we were first together I later found out were complete fabrications. She told me of career opportunities, and scholarships and situations that any normal human would never pass up, but she passed them up to be with me. I later found out that 90% of her past was nowhere near true.. but conjured stories to make herself look better to my family and friends. Not to mention gain the attention of me. And being a dumb 20 year old college kid, I belived it all. After learning this, I began to question every fact she told me. I found out recently that half the time she was telling me and my parents and friends what they wanted to hear. There were so many stories told, that my parents still have no idea who this woman is anymore. I dont know who she is anymore. The stories continue today even though we are separated right now.

 

So for the past 2 years, I have had my mind and love elsewhere. Lost. I kept a smile on my face and kept marching on, but knew I belonged somewhere else. We hardly argued. Mostly because I would usually give in to her way of thinking to avoid conflict (please read opening background statement!) On the times I did argue back, she threatened to leave me and I would give in to keep my son around. I began concentrating on my career and came home to her every night. There were no infidelities from my end of the marriage at all. My conscience wouldnt be able to handle it.

 

Five months ago, during my travels, I met a woman that changed my life. I sat and had the most wonderful conversation with an attractive, funny, healthy woman that was totally interested in me. This first conversation lasted 5 hours. I've never been able to do that with my wife... and belive me, I love to talk. From the first time I met this woman I was honest with her. Told her everything about me... from being married with a child, to not being happy, and to all the things I am about and love. There was definatly an interest here. I did nothing with this woman (though after years of living with someone that I didnt want to be around, I found this the hardest descision of my life!) However I kept in contact with this woman. When ever I came near her town, we met for dinner or just a coffee shop where we'd sit and talk. We soon came to feel a love for each other. A deep rooted love, with no physical contact. This woman made me feel like a MAN again! She gave me the strength to start acting on what I feel. She did this without ever mentioning that she wished I was wasnt married. I found a new faith in myself! I knew I could love again.

 

My seasonal career ended for the winter, I moved my wife back home and packed up to follow about 2 weeks later. During these two weeks I wasnt thinking about the time I was going to spend with my family, I was thinking about this woman that had brightened up my life. I finally got moved out and met up with my wife. Not three days went by and I dropped the bomb on her. Told her I wanted out. Told her I wanted to leave. What a shock it was to her. During all her stories and my false moods she was still in love with me. She obviously didnt see how unhappy I was. (towards the end in the last year I tried to make it obvious... and it was kinda funny how she missed the little clues and hints... again, avoiding confrontation!) And a week later I left. I went to my parents house in a different state. 28 years old and back with my parents. Yeah, I'm proud! ha

 

My parents couldnt be happier. I love my parents, and we have a very close family. My wife never bought into it. Her family is old fashioned. Dad works, mom cleans and kids do whatever they can to piss the parents off. Mine was more like Mom and Dad traveled, and had different things going on all the time, but included me, my brother and sister on everything. We had and still have one of the closest families I have ever known. My friends envy our family. Needless to say, my parents and friends feel bad for the fact that I have lived so unhappy for so long. But the general consensus is "its about time you stood up for yourself!" I told my parents about this other woman that made me happy. My parents flew her out to meet them, and she fit in our family like a glove. It was amazing. Here I was worried that my family was going to be angry with me for meeting someone while married, but they were wonderful about it... because it made me happy. Please keep in mind that this woman only gave me the strength to take the steps toward divorce.. she never pushed me. She kept it my choice. I love her for that!

 

This woman and I have an understanding. There is no physical afection and expirimentation unless the divorce is final. I agreed to it and she did to. This way, there is nothing that can incriminate me. Sounds mean, but thats the way life is.

 

HERE IS THE PROBLEM!!!! -

I am a guilty person. I feel guilty for dropping this bomb on my wife, knowing where I want my heart to be. I feel guilty that she is left standing with my child and career, and I am going to be free to try to be with someone new. Like I said, this was about 2 years over-due, and it took me that long to bring it to the table. My wife and I have been rather friendly during the separation though. She and I signed and Notarized a letter stating that I would be able to see my son any time I can make it to her town. No restrictions at all. As long as I dont interfere with his school and activities. I have asked her to file the divorce because due to residency restrictions it would be hard for me to do so. She doesnt want to. She wants to try family counceling. She thinks there is still a chance. Truth is, there was never a chance. Even before I married her, there really wansnt much of a chance.

But how do i convince her of this? It isnt easy. No councelor in the world is going to teach me how to love someone that I dont. It doesnt work that way!

 

Should I feel guilty about feeling the way i do about this other woman? Should I feel guilty about leaving my wife to start over without me and take care of my son (who is the true love of my life, and will never go without anything he needs EVER as long as I live!) Should I continue to talk to my wife and be nice on the phone so that I can talk to my son when he is crying cuz he misses me? Being nice to her on the phone makes her think that it is hard for me to leave her. It wasnt at all.. once I got the nerve and told her, I felt as if someone took a backpack full of bricks off my shoulders! It wasnt hard to leave her, but it was devistating to leave my little boy.

 

Does anyone have any insight as to what I shoud think/do/ponder/try?

 

Thank you for being patient! There is so much more I left out, but I dont write essays anymore!

[scobro]

Wow a tricky buy not unique situation.The only way I believe is to be honest with your wife.If you start lying you end up looking like the "bad guy"in the end anyway.If you can explain to your wife how you feel and be a little compassionate if you mention the other woman because I am sure one day she will find out anyway.You have to keep in contact with your stbx because of your son so I would be honest and upfront about everything.If you are not happy then let her know the truth it's the only way.If you are separated now you have already made the first step the rest should just be honesty between you and your wife.

[littlekitty]

Be very very careful.

 

Be very honest and very, very clear. Do not allow your guilt to let you allow the situation get out of hand.

 

I watched my boyfriend allow the guilt he felt at leaving his exgf and son (happened before he met me, but I saw the effects) get the better of him and the situation. He felt so much guilt he allowed himself to be manipulated by her. She played on the situation, and he pandered to her whims at times, trying not to hurt her more, or make her feel bad. Even though she behaved badly, he believed she realized it was over.

 

8 months later (6 into our relationship) she flung herself at his feet begging for him back. She had (as I knew) completely misconstrued all his actions as those of feelings. We had hidden our relationship from her up until maybe a month before this happened.

 

Just as I expected, she presumed his lack of willingness to hurt her, was one of regret or love. It wasn’t. He’s just a nice guy, and he didn’t want more conflict or hurt than necessary.

 

Unfortunately in some cases, it just can’t be this way. When the other person still holds a candle, the phrase ‘be cruel to be kind’ does hold true. It’s better to hurt them with the short, sharp shock of hearing the honest truth, than risk an ongoing hurt on their behalf.

 

I not only say this from the side of the ‘other woman’ in this case. I say it someone who was on the other side too. In a relationship where the person I was with kept me hanging on with small words of kindness, instead of biting the bullet and letting me go, which would have hurt me less in the long term.

 

Make sure at all times you are clear on what the situation is. Be friendly and nice definitely, but make sure the situation is always clear within that.

[Ladyjane14]

Wow a tricky buy not unique situation.The only way I believe is to be honest with your wife.If you start lying you end up looking like the "bad guy"in the end anyway.If you can explain to your wife how you feel and be a little compassionate .....

 

I'm in agreement with Scobro. Your situation is not particularly unique. In fact, I've seen quite a few posts like yours. They are extremely similar in format.

It starts of with 'Why I married the WRONG person', and is followed by the basic laundry list of unmet needs in the relationship. Then, we get to the part where someone really special comes onto the scene, mutual attraction ensues, and a sense of indecision develops. There are usually modest disclaimers of how the spouse is not 'all that terrible' a person because they do have at least some redeeming qualities. But the other person is so terribly exciting, and life is just wasting away without having them. This is followed by what stands to be lost if the current relationship is abandoned in favor of the new attraction.

 

You aren't the first, and you won't be the last.

 

I further agree with Scobro that Compassion and Honesty are the keys here.

 

If you are adamant that you want to end your marriage, you must be honest about that. If you offer her ANY hope at all, you'll only lengthen the process. Defending yourself, in the hopes that she won't eventually hate you and blame you, will only add more misery for everyone concerned.

 

She probably WILL hate you and blame you. If you look at it from her POV, she has good cause. You have taken something from her that cannot be replaced.....a loving, two-parent home for her child. From now on, she will be a single-parent. Her choices in future mates will be limited to those who can accept and love her 'ready-made' family, and all the baggage that her ex-husband will represent. And should she find a man like that, her family will be a blended one, with step-parents and half-siblings.

 

YOU took the original dream away from her. You flaked, you bailed, and you ran home to Mom and Dad. Nobody put a gun to your head and made you marry that woman afterall.

 

Own it. Because when you do....you'll be able to adopt a compassionate resolve, that will allow you to ease this transition for all concerned. It's NOT her fault that she can't be the person you want her to be. She is who she is.

 

Truthfully, as a woman who has been married for well over two decades, I'll tell you.....you are doing her a favor. She's got a CHANCE now to find love and fulfillment with a man who wants her. She's wasted a few years on you, true.....but it's not as bad as waking up one day and realizing that she's wasted ALL her good years on a man with no feeling for her.

 

All that said, I don't think it's fair that you ask her to be the one to obtain the divorce. You're the one who wants it. You add insult to her current injury in asking that of her. She shouldn't be at any further obligation to you, and certainly not in making convenience for you.

 

In order to ease this transition for everyone involved, treat your STBX in all fairness and with great compassion and honesty. Do not allow her to hope for reconcilliation, and don't defend yourself by attempting to put a better face on it.

[hoorel]

Thank you for your responses.

 

Ladyjane - I havent been on here that long, and I find it kinda funny that your quote pretty much explained mine in an abridged version. I know I am at fault for alot of things... but one thing I was not at fault of doing was taking her dreams from her. I actually tried to work out her going back to school, and pursuing her dreams at one point in our life that I lost time, effort and money doing so, only to have her walk away from it. The truth is, the dreams she had were probably lies and stories to make her seem so much more ambitious than she is. It was things like this, and the blatant lying to myself, my parents, and administrative people in my career that give me doubt as to any of the foundation of our relationship. I truly don't know who she was now. When I was 21 years old, I was an unstable, unsure kid compared to the educated, traveled, seasoned guy I am now. She might have well put an "emotional revolver" to my head. I found out a few weeks ago that a mutual friend had heard her saying how she had lied about being on depo-provera (dont know if thats how you spell it, but birth controll...), and the pregnancy was a means to keep me around. Because it happened during the roughest time in my life and we were not getting along at all. And this friend let it slip one day. She is a friend of both of ours, but mostly hers... and she kinda made an error there by telling me.

The reason I am asking her to file the divorce is because of a location issue. Where I am at now, it would take 6 months to finish everything, and she would have to come down here due to child custody hearings. As I said before, we have both agreed on custody by her with unlimited visitation by me. In the state she lives in, where I used to live, the process takes 20 days if the two people agree on the details. And we have NO assets. Besides my son, we have NOTHING to split in the divorce.

 

 

Littlekitty - This kindess you talk about I share with your boyfriend. I am not a hurtfull person, and to do type of thing to someone, anyone, causes me a gut wrenching sickness. Don't get me wrong, I do not want to go back. In the past 3 weeks of being gone, just knowing that I am on my own and have stood up for what I belive makes my outlook on life so much better. The fact that I am nice to her, because of the kind of person I am makes it harder for her to accept it is over. She has thretened to leave me in the past during arguments, but never did. Now, when I drop the bomb and leave, she thinks that I will come back like she did. I am confusing her by being nice and it is making it harder every day. I even gave her the short, hard bullet of a truth the other night on the phone. I told her how I have felt for a long time, and even told her that I am NOT going to do any counceling or even try to work on it. Her response to that was "its only been a few weeks... give it time for us to find each other again."

I cant get it thru to her with kindness, and I dont know how to be mean.

 

The other woman is not a factor right now. Her and I talk every few nights, but she has agreed to live her life as if I wasnt involved. She is single and having a good time. I am not trying to leave one relationship to start another. (Although for the first time in my life I feel as if I truly love someone!) <--- this is because I was given a voice from the moment I met her, and she accepted all that I am. The honesty of this other woman and her views on life have given me hope that a good, healty, passionate relationship is still out there in my future. Be it with this woman or any other.

 

scobro - For the first time in my life with my wife, I have been honest and truthfull. I am not hiding my feelings from her anymore. I have changed to the point that I am no longer going to be dragged in to defending her to my family and friends when her stories and lies turn out to be false. I will not mention the other woman to her. Probably never. She will have to find out on her own. Like I said, there haven't been any infidelities or cheating from my half of the relationship in 7 years, and the fact that this other woman came into my life simply opened my eyes to my true feelings. It helped give me the strength to pursue this divorce. For me, and me alone!

 

 

Thank you all for your comments. I appreciate you taking the time to read my essay, and give your insight. In times like these, a forum like this can be wonderful help. It is that un-biased opinion from people that have had similar, or dissimilar situations that give a little better understanding.

 

More comments are welcome at any time!

[dgiirl]

Since everyone else gave you good, but tamed down advice, I figure it's time someone gave you a slap in the face too This hits way too close to home, so I'm going to call it the way I've experienced it. Yes, a lot of this anger is directed at my own exh, so keep that in mind, but you two seem too much alike.

 

This is total f'ing bull****! Because you avoid conflict and because you cannot hurt someone else's feelings you wasted this womans time. How dare you be such a coward! Noone forced you to marry her. Noone forced you to have a child with her. You did all on your own accord and now you're looking for any excuse to justify to yourself you leaving. You are grasping at any reason to villianize your wife, and trying to be "nice" at the same time so she wont hate you. What you've done is the most cruelest thing I've ever experienced in my entire life. The ow is not the reason you are leaving? BS. You met this ow 5 months b4 leaving? You met with her on several occassions, cried to her how bad your marriage was. Hello, read up on emotional affairs. You cheated on your wife! Atleast give her the deceny to recognize what you did was wrong and call it what it is! You cheated on your wife, and i know that must kill you to acknowledge it because you always try to be the "good" guy. Get off your high horse. Did you EVER talk to your wife about it? Did your wife ever know about this "friend"? Did she ever know you were unhappy? Did you ever give HER the respect to save her own marriage? I'm not saying your wife is an angel, or that your relationship was perfect, but how dare you be so arrogant to think that she wasnt unhappy too, and that there could have been things that maybe YOU should have done to make her feel wanted and desired and try to work on the marriage. Instead, all you truely care about is yourself. You dont care about your wife, you dont care about the pain she's in. You just dont want the guilt. You are running away from problems and vilianizing your wife at the same time. Personally, and I'm definitely biased here, I think it's absolutely disgusting. If you want the divorce, be a man and file for it. Give your wife everything she needs. Dont fight her on child support or alimony. Be very very generous. Let her go. Atleast she's young enough to recover from this horrible experience. Hopefully she'll find someone who's man enough to ask for the things he wants in a relationship and not lie to her like you've done, and when the tough gets going he sticks around to work on it instead of just running away like a coward.

 

Also, give her time to breath. There's no rush to filing for a divorce. What difference does it make if it's 20 days or 6 months? For godsakes, give her time to grieve! Stop being a selfish jerk! I know YOU want it over right now. You want to pretend that it never happen. You want to run away. I realize that. But be a man and clean up the mess you made! Give her time to get use to the idea of living alone with a child.

 

*phew* sorry dude, I needed to vent and i think you needed to hear it

[hoorel]

hey dgiirl...

 

I understand that this may have happened to you, but you do not know me. You have no idea how my mind works, or how I feel. For this reason, I am not bothered by the tone of your response here. I know you are biased, and it is just fine. No hard feelings. With that said:

 

Alot of what you said is true. However, I am not looking for justification. I know I want out. I knew I wanted out for years. Unfortunatly, I wasnt man enough to bring the problems to the table. She told me that she was unhappy many times. And I was there to "try" to make her feel better, but in doing so, surpressed my own feelings. True, I was not forced into marriage, or into having a child, but looking back, I was in no emotional condition to marry. Thats where I went wrong. If it wasnt for the responsibility of knowing there was a child coming, I would not have married this woman! So not only did I waste her time, but she wasted mine too.

 

And by the way... the OW is NOT the reason for leaving. I did not ask to meet this woman, and have not done anything with her besides have a few meaningful conversations. And not once did I shed a tear about my marriage to her. I simply discussed it as normal adults would. I was not looking for another relationship. I did not ask to have these feelings for someone else. Where I come from and how I was raised frowns upon any type of cheating whatsoever. This is not hard to belive if you knew the kind of person I am. I had no alterior motives with this woman. She remains a distant friend that I happen to have feelings for. True, many of those feelings may be spurred from the years of unhappiness.. but that does not matter. Whether she was in the picture or not after the divorce is not a deciding factor for me.

 

As far as making my wife feel wanted and desired... I tried. God help me I tried. And she did feel wanted and desired. That was not the root of her unhappiness. She had this image of how a family should be, and it seriously conflicted with mine. A lot of this was due to my career. So in a way it was my fault. And trust me, I stuck around through alot harder times than a divorce. There have been times where it felt like death could have been the only way out for us. Yet I stuck around and was the husband in a one-sided relationship. FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE I am thinking about ME! I have always had to defend everything she did or said, and put my desires and wants on the back burner. NOT ANYMORE!

 

You may be an honest person. But you must understand that the woman that I thought I married, and was living with and raising a child with was not who she said. Even today, she is telling lies, and conjuring up stories to let me know what she is doing while I am gone. She doesnt think I'd check on such things? I dont belive a thing she says anymore, and there isnt anything in the world that is going to bring that back.

 

As far as the 20 days, or 6 months thing... why wouldnt I want to do it in 20 days? Let her move on sooner and not grieve as long? Seems like the right thing to do when I know there is no chance of us being together again.

 

I am sorry what happened to you seems similar, but I know for a fact that every situation in this world has its own unique qualities. I would bet mine differs from yours in quite a few ways. On the outside they seem like a carbon copy, but on the inside, I guaruntee they differ substantially.

 

I do thank you for your insight and comments though and would be happy to hear more from you.

[dgiirl]

Yes, perhaps the specific events that led up to your unhappiness are different, but there are a lot of similarties too. Read up on affairs and you'll start to see a pattern form, which you are playing out right now.

 

1) You are vilianizing your wife to justify your reasons to leave.

2) You are defending the other woman and claiming she's not the cause of your marital problems.

 

Let me ask you something, if you never met this ow, would you still be with your wife right now? This ow "opened" your eyes to see that you were unhappy, so yes, this ow has a role to play. You are not the first person to ever experience this. Right now you are infatuated with this ow. You are calling her every few days as "friends". You are trying to be "noble" and not act on anything physical until your divorced. If you want to do the honerable thing, stop talking to this ow, and get some individual counselling. If you want a divorce, then by all means, go for it. But right now you have too many things that are clouding your judgement.

 

As for filing. You sprang this news onto your wife. Your wife was probably blindsighted by the whole ordeal. She's probably in a tremendous amount of pain and cannot think straight. She's probably in depression and close to being suicidal. She feels that her whole world is closing down on top of her, and the LAST thing she needs to worry about is filing for a divorce. If you think she's just going to "get over it" within 20 days, think again. She's going to be an emotional wreck for atleast a year. 6 months is the LEAST you can do for her, and trust me, the time goes by very fast. Give her time to build up her strength and get her bearings. I'm not saying you have to live with her or be married to her. But do respect her and give her a chance to grieve.

[Moai]

Dude, run and don't look back. You should have done that when you had the fight in college. Now there is a kid involved, and that sucks. Do what you can to keep him around--and the drag is, your wife will NEVER be out of your life because of that kid. He'll be in the middle, and he is innocent in all of this. Bummer.

 

If I were you I wouldn't worry so much about her feelings, or that you wasted her time, or any of that. You did what you did. But it is time for you to focus on what it is that has you running from confrontation all the time. The pain of confrontation you would have felt when breaking up with her in college would have been nothing compared to all the crap you are dealing with now.

 

That's how life works. If you deal with things right when they happen, you save time and pain. Believe, it was a lesson hard-learned for me, but I learned and I am much happier.

 

Be firm toward your wife, list your grievances and tell her that there is no hope of it working out, and that you have to move on for your own well-being. She'll wig out, it'll get ugly, but after a while things will reach a state where you can deal.

[hoorel]

1) You are vilianizing your wife to justify your reasons to leave.

2) You are defending the other woman and claiming she's not the cause of your marital problems.

 

Let me ask you something, if you never met this ow, would you still be with your wife right now? This ow "opened" your eyes to see that you were unhappy, so yes, this ow has a role to play.

 

 

1) I am not vilianizing her. She has done it to herself. I am simply stating what I know are deciding factors toward the way I felt with her.

 

2) There is nothing to defend. She wasnt the cause. She came into my life during the final stages of my marriage.

 

The honest answer to your question is NO. I would not be with her right now. 2 years ago I went to personal counceling. I went for 5 months, and all I got out of it was a psychiatrist telling me to stand up for what I belive. The same two years ago was when I began feeling like I wanted out. But due to circumstances like my career, and our family location, to leave her at those times just seemed cruel. I held off untill I could move her back to the town where her family and support would be. Got her in an apartment. Left her my car and I am making the payments. Left her every dime of savings I had. Tried to make it as easy as I could. I left with nothing! I still have nothing. I am 28 years old and living with my parents again. But I am beginning to find happiness. I do not need to justify leaving. I know I am not happy with her and will never be again. The OW simply gave me the strength to finally bring the feelings to the table and not keep them in hiding. (she was recently divorced as well... and had some views from the other side of the fence for me.) So yes, she does play a role, but not in the actual breaking of the marriage. Those feelings of leaving and moving on were a long time coming.

 

As far as filing... I know she wont "get over it" in 20 days... or maybe even 20 months. But the sooner I am out of her life, the sooner she can concentrate on doing things that make her happy. Lord knows when she was with me she had no idea what made her happy and content with life. With as many ways as I've tried, I couldnt find an answer to what makes her tick. She tells me that in the 3 weeks I've been gone that she is beginning to do some things for herself. And she feels better about it. So, if I can pull some strings, I will file in her town when I go to see my son in a few weeks. If I cant, then so be it, I guess I will have to wait the 6 months.

 

I appreciate your time in this issue... it is kinda nice to hear a response, be it a peacefull or angry one... a response none the less. I felt as if I had nobody to talk to about this issue here. I would go to counceling again, but as of last week, I am unemployed and have no insurance... so it will have to wait.

[hoorel]

But it is time for you to focus on what it is that has you running from confrontation all the time. The pain of confrontation you would have felt when breaking up with her in college would have been nothing compared to all the crap you are dealing with now.

 

That's how life works. If you deal with things right when they happen, you save time and pain. Believe, it was a lesson hard-learned for me, but I learned and I am much happier.

 

 

I agree... and this is what I need the most help with. When I can do it, I will be doing some counceling to begin confronting things head on. I know now that I should have done things differently, from the beginning to the end. That will never happen again.

 

Thanks for the response Moai... 'preciate it!

[dgiirl]

1) I am not vilianizing her. She has done it to herself. I am simply stating what I know are deciding factors toward the way I felt with her.

 

Oh but you are. You feel it necessary to tell the world that she lies, that she's never happy, etc. If you were truely finished with the relationship, and realized that there's no hope, then you wouldnt feel the need to tell people these things about her. Everyone has bad traits. Sometimes we dont clash. But if this was a decision that you have made deep in your heart, you wouldnt feel the need to broadcast her bad traits. You would simply say "I am not happy, and I want out. This has nothing to do with you, but my own unhappiness". Instead you are trying to put the attention onto HER bad characteristics instead of taking the heat for your own bad characteristics.

 

 

The OW simply gave me the strength to finally bring the feelings to the table and not keep them in hiding. (she was recently divorced as well... and had some views from the other side of the fence for me.) So yes, she does play a role, but not in the actual breaking of the marriage. Those feelings of leaving and moving on were a long time coming.

 

That's all I'm saying. She might not be the cause of your marital problems, but without her I do think you'd still be stuck in your marriage. It's the fact that you needed her strength to get you out of the marriage. That's not cool. Your avoidance of conflict mixed with needing this ow to make you do what's right is something you should reflect on. Why didnt you do this earlier? Why did you need this other woman to get you to finally act?

 

 

As far as filing... I know she wont "get over it" in 20 days... or maybe even 20 months. But the sooner I am out of her life, the sooner she can concentrate on doing things that make her happy. Lord knows when she was with me she had no idea what made her happy and content with life. With as many ways as I've tried, I couldnt find an answer to what makes her tick. She tells me that in the 3 weeks I've been gone that she is beginning to do some things for herself. And she feels better about it. So, if I can pull some strings, I will file in her town when I go to see my son in a few weeks. If I cant, then so be it, I guess I will have to wait the 6 months.

 

Yes, the sooner you are out of her life the better. But do realize that she's probably in a lot of torment right now and cant stand to wake up every morning. She's in a lot of pain, and the least you can do is try to make it less painful for her by giving her some room to get her bearings. She has a HUGE adjustment to make and a person can only take so much.

 

 

I appreciate your time in this issue... it is kinda nice to hear a response, be it a peacefull or angry one... a response none the less. I felt as if I had nobody to talk to about this issue here.

 

Yes I am angry, but it's also a peaceful response. I would like you to learn from this mistake, acknowledge the place where you are wrong, and to give your wife a break. Not only is it in your wife's interest, but also in your own. When we can acknowledge our failures without shifting blame, we can correct those mistakes and never repeat them again.

[hoorel]

Yes I am angry, but it's also a peaceful response. I would like you to learn from this mistake, acknowledge the place where you are wrong, and to give your wife a break. Not only is it in your wife's interest, but also in your own. When we can acknowledge our failures without shifting blame, we can correct those mistakes and never repeat them again.

 

 

Fair enough! I agree that I have many flaws.. and never claimed to be perfect by any means. By stating what hers were on here was my way of giving the whole story from my point of view. Trust me, I do not need to justify my leaving. I have been doing that for the last 2 years.

 

I can see how it looks like the OW played such a role... In my mind and heart, I do not credit her with anything like you say. I do not need her. I do not want her to be a deciding factor. True, it may have taken longer to get out of the marriage, but even without the OW, I truly believe in my heart that this scenereo was meant to happen... now or in the future. Knowing the way I feel about things... the holidays would have rolled around, and I would have felt even worse about doing it then... then my job would have began again in around February, and I would have been back to the same routine. Hiding the feelings again. It finally came down to now or never... and I chose now!

 

This is going to sound mean as hell.. but besides the emotional pain of not having me around anymore, and the lack of physical contact with me... she is far better off on her own. She is a good mother, and a good person. I am just not the right person for her, and i finally realize that.

 

And just so that nobody thinks differently... I love my son with everything I am, and I will be damned if I am going to loose touch with him and become one of those deadbeat dads. He will never go without as long as I am alive!

 

Thanks again. I hope in the future we can all be friends on this forum.

[dgiirl]

It finally came down to now or never... and I chose now!

 

Well, i will give you credit that doing it now is much better than one more day of hiding your feelings. Just to help you understand why I am angry. My stbxh did pretty much the same thing as you have done. We were married for close to 8 years and we had our problems. I knew something was wrong and tried to talk to him and he always reassured me everything was ok. After he met his "friend" (he claims every thing as you have, just friends, nothing physical, only met a few times for lunch), he decided to come home and ask for a divorce on valentines day. He said he was unhappy for the last 3 years, was going to ask me for a divorce 3 years ealier and when I confronted him and asked him why he didnt say anything sooner he said cos he was under a lot of stress at work and that he didnt want to hurt my feelings so he avoided the issue. So to me, he put 3 years of my life on hold because he couldnt stand conflict. That is an extremely selfish act.

 

This is going to sound mean as hell.. but besides the emotional pain of not having me around anymore, and the lack of physical contact with me... she is far better off on her own. She is a good mother, and a good person. I am just not the right person for her, and i finally realize that.

 

She will be better off without you if you cant be the man she needs. She needs someone who will not lie to her, who will love her, and who will work on a marriage even when things get rough. If you dont have that strength inside of you, then she is much better off without you and the sooner the better. But during this grieving process, give her time. She will probably experience a lot of hatred, and a lot of dispair. Be respectful of her emotions and do not rub in her face her own failures (ie blaming her for lying and such). Walk away with some dignity. This is something my stbxh did NOT do. He was extremely cruel. You can read my history to get an idea of the crap he's said to me as he walked out the door.

 

Thanks again. I hope in the future we can all be friends on this forum.

 

I'm not your enemy. Think of me as someone who can help you understand the feelings your wife is probably going through. I wont be surprised if in 2 or 3 months she starts to get angry and starts to tell you half (if not more) of the things I've already spewed off.

 

If she's anything like me, the first two months she'll place ALL the blame onto her shoulders. Telling you you are right and that she's a horrible person. After some no contact, she's going to get angry. Very very angry. She might even seek out some revenge. It took a lot of will power to protect my ex from my anger. After about 6 months, she's going to get sick and tired of crying every single moment of the day and she's going to try to move on. 8 months into it, she'll start to have moved on and start to realize that you were not all that and that she deserves much better. Atleast this was my situation, and I'm at the 8 month mark now.

 

The only thing I suggest for you to do, and my stbxh has done, is give me time. Dont pressure her into things when she's not ready. Dont give her news about your life, even if she asks, because she really doesnt want to know. Be business like in your approach. Allow her to hate you. No matter WHAT you do, it's going to piss her off. Accept it, realize it, and allow her time to cool off.

[hoorel]

Thank you for your insight, and a womans view. Much appreciated.

 

I am going up to see my son in about a week, and when I am there, I will see into filing for the divorce. I will give her as much time as she needs.

 

All the mistakes I made with this marriage are lessons learned, and will not ever be repeated. I can promise myself that!

[Trimmer]

Aside from my general feeling of resonance with dgiirl's comments (and my feeling that if she were here, I'd hug her out of empathy), I'm going to make one more suggestion:

 

...she is far better off on her own. She is a good mother, and a good person. I am just not the right person for her, and i finally realize that.

 

Don't tell her this. When you say things like this, especially "you'll be better off without me", you take away the person's power to decide that for themselves. My wife was careful to tell me that she thought I was a nice guy and a great father - as she was telling me that I had become essentially useless to her as a husband - like it was some kind of consolation prize. My feeling was "you're f***ing right I'm a great father, and I don't need you to bestow that award on me, I earned it myself..." It may be true, and it may be well intentioned, but in the context of "you are useless to me as a person and I don't even want to try any more," it rings hollow.

 

Let her find the power within herself to decide she'll be better off without you. Isn't it one final act of paternal control over her as you are walking out to decide for her that she's better off without you? If you're as nice as you say - and I hope that you are - you owe it to her to honestly explain your own feelings, and take responsibilty and own up to why you are doing what you've decided, but don't use "what's best for her" as a crutch. If your relationship had become as pathologically flawed as you think, she will eventually come to the conclusion that she's better off without you. Let her do that herself; leave her some dignity as you depart.

[dgiirl]

my feeling that if she were here, I'd hug her out of empathy

 

lol thanks I think I need a hug

 

 

Don't tell her this. When you say things like this, especially "you'll be better off without me", you take away the person's power to decide that for themselves.

 

Ah yes, very very wise! My exh did this too. I found it very very condescending. But perhaps it's what also gave me the strength to fight back? Just keep it short and take responsibility for your own actions/emotions and dont shift blame onto her. ie, in one of your posts you say how she's a manipulator and a liar, and then in the next you say how she's a good mother and a good person. How can you think she's a good person if you think she's a liar?

[hoorel]

When I say a liar.. I meant more along the lines of making up stories to satisfy what people want to hear. She does mean well I guess and I have been with her so long I can vouch that she is a good person.. and a good mother. But she does have a problem with honesty. I guess as do I from what has been said here.

 

The last time I talked to her was this morning. There is a money situation with my father that he wanted me to ask about. So, stupidly, after not talking to her for a few days, I called her up to ask her about this financial situation. We discussed it like businesspeople, but then whent it was time to end the conversation, it switched to an assault of "WHY" questions.

 

I do not know how to answer any more honestly to her. I try my damnest to not use the "you'd be better off without me" approach. She is a stong willed woman and on a few occasions has told me that she knows she deserved better than me. I simply agreed.

 

My problem is, without being downright harsh, how do I go about convincing her that there is no chance of reconcilliation. That I do not believe in my heart of hearts that anything would change if we seeked joint counceling, or spent some time apart. The more time I spend apart from her right now, the better I feel about leaving. The more time she spends from me, so far, the more she wants me back. She told me that she is over being mad at me... I know thats not true. Thats ok.

 

She is using our son as a pretty large crutch though. I know he is having a hard time... he is a bright young boy and i love him dearly, and he really worshiped me when we were together, and I know he doesnt like the fact that I am gone. He doesnt fully understand but I worry that she is telling him the wrong ideas. I hope she isnt... she never seemed like the kind of person to do that... but her latest ploy to get me back is using him. Telling me how I should try to work things out for him.

 

Wouldnt this be tougher on him in the long run... and dgiirl, as you have said before in previous replies, a waste of her time?

 

How do I convince her that it would be a waste of both our times to try to work things out? I dont see any hope in it. I know how I feel...? I know I am being selfish, but I am young still, and she is too... and there is no use wasting either of our times...

 

Any ideas? Go easy on me now!

[dgiirl]

When I say a liar.. I meant more along the lines of making up stories to satisfy what people want to hear. She does mean well I guess and I have been with her so long I can vouch that she is a good person.. and a good mother. But she does have a problem with honesty. I guess as do I from what has been said here.

 

Well, I'm glad you can realize that about yourself too. And maybe the reason's why she's fibbing is because she's trying to please you and fear that if you knew the real truth that you would leave, just like you are doing now? People dont fib unless they are insecure. Maybe you havent been as open and welcoming to her as you think you've been. And she's been trying to make you happy? Of course her actions are not the best, but maybe the intentions are well meaning?

 

As for the crying, she's grieving right now. This is why I told you to give HER some time. Everything she's doing is very natural. Read up on the stages of grief (there's a lot of information on the internet). She's bouncing between denial and begging stage. She doesnt realize it's truely over because you blindsighted her with the truth. Unfortunately, anything you do is not going to help her get over it. You just have to be there and keep telling her there is no chance. You will always have this woman in your life because she's the mother of your child. So if you want an amicable divorce, you have no choice but to suck it up and endure her pain. Maybe you have to be an a**h*** so that it'll snap in her that what she's doing is pushing you further away, i dont really know. I know that after about a month of begging and pleading with my exh, he started to get annoyed and I stopped on my own fearing that it would push him further away. But I didnt stop the begging/pleading for quite some time. I still bounce into denial! Becareful tho, because if she's like me, she's thinking about suicide. It's a very delicate situation. Are there any family/friends that you can talk to to make sure she's being taken care of? I'd even suggest SHE go into counselling too.

 

Was the financial situation really urgent? Can it be put off for a little while? Personally, I'd try to limit as much phone contact as possible and discuss things over email, atleast for a little while. It'll probably piss her off, but she needs to have as little contact as possible with you so that she gets into the anger stage. This isnt going to be easy. Be prepared for that. It's going to be a long drawn out process and there is no easy way out. But if this is what you truely want, then you just have to be stern in your decision, and if she crosses the line with the kid, you just correct her.

 

In the meantime, please read up on affairs, marriage and divorce. Even if you dont want to go back to your wife, you should learn as much as possible about relationships so that you can see where things went wrong in yours. You will be amazed at how similar all our stories are. It's useful information. Even if it wont save your current marriage, it will help you in your next relationship.

[Ladyjane14]

How do I convince her that it would be a waste of both our times to try to work things out? I dont see any hope in it. I know how I feel...? I know I am being selfish, but I am young still, and she is too... and there is no use wasting either of our times...

 

Hmmmmm.....why not tell her the TRUTH?

 

Not the pretty version that you've invented to make yourself feel better about exiting your family dynamic, but rather the unvarnished one.

 

You don't think you're having an affair, do you?

 

Well let's see.... Are you still talking to your opposite sex friend frequently? Do you share more of your feelings with her than you do with your wife? More of your conversation in terms of quality?..or quantity for that matter? Do you daydream about your "friend"? Do you have plans to involve her more in your daily life, once you are free of your committment? Plans for a romantic future with her?

 

If it's like that....then you ARE having an affair. If you are having any kind of SECRET relationship with her, in which your wife is not privy to ALL the details.....then it's an affair. And it doesn't matter if you've had sexual contact or not. The association has disrupted your family life anyway.

 

By your own words, you wanted to leave your wife for years. BUT YOU DIDN'T. Not until AFTER you met this other woman. You can make excuses, but they don't hurt me. Really, I don't care one way or the other. Your excuses only hurt YOU.

 

You want to be a nice guy. That's fine, but recognize that you will have an uphill battle in trying to protect your 'nice guy' status. Because your wife is just going to keep asking you why until she gets a real reason.

 

You haven't had a whole lot of nice things to say about your wife. You've posted that your wife has "let herself go". You've posted that her family is "different". You've said that she lacks career goals and/or the ambition to meet them. You've said, essentially, that she 'trapped' you into marriage by getting pregnant.

 

Something important to bear in mind is that people who are unhappy in their marriage and have made a decision to exit it, will very often mentally "rewrite" the history of the relationship in order to assuage their conscience. The likelihood of that mindset is almost guaranteed when that person is already engaged in an affair.

 

In earlier posts, both compassion and honesty were recommended to you. It's a VERY difficult balancing act to manage those two things. The truth needs to be told, but you don't want to utterly destroy the other person either. She's the mother of your child afterall.

 

But what is the real truth here? Is it your perception of events, or is it hers? Is it how you perceive her faults? or is it how you don't accept your own? Things get confusing really fast when you start thinking about stuff like that.

 

You said "she let herself go". We can assume that the true meaning behind that statement has less to do with the state of her "health", and more to do with the fact that you're matrimonially bound to a 'fattie'. What's the condition of OW's....um...physical attributes? Is her ass fat like your wife's? Would it matter to you if it was?

 

See, these are hard questions. I'm not trying to be mean here....honestly, I'm not. But you've got to know the answers to these questions, and even if you decide compassionately to NOT tell your STBX that her ass is fat, you need to know the truth for yourself.

 

When you set yourself up on 'the nice guy pedestal', you've got a long way to fall. Your true reasons....the ones which are NOT contestable, can't cushion you. Even the not-so-pretty reasons are valid. They can save you from that fall.

 

In focusing on truths as you perceive them regarding your wife, you're not dealing with the truth as it pertains to YOU. In focusing on her negatives....you aren't dealing with YOU. You miss the opportunity to know YOURSELF, and to know what it is that you REALLY want, when you can't face unpleasantness in regards to your inner being.

 

If you want a wife that comes from a 'better' family, if you want one with a skinnier ass, if you want one who's competive in her career....why not just admit it? If you can't tell yourself the real truth, warts and all, who can you tell?

 

When you know yourself, you can act in confidence. You can act in compassion because you can accept that it's not someone else's fault.

 

Afterall, who's to say that divorce is NOT the best answer in the long run? Only TIME will tell that particular tale.

 

But you have taken something from this woman. And you have to make peace with that and square yourself with it. You have to understand that what you're doing is self-serving, and not particularly "nice". You can make better peace with it by accepting that it is what it is...and not making excuses for it.

 

but one thing I was not at fault of doing was taking her dreams from her. I actually tried to work out her going back to school, and pursuing her dreams at one point in our life that I lost time, effort and money doing so, only to have her walk away from it.

 

I wasn't talking about career goals. I was talking about ONE mommy, and ONE daddy, living in ONE household, with ALL the kids sharing the same parentage. That's the dream that's dead. That ship has sailed. That's what you have to make peace with. It's hard to hurt someone like that without making excuses for it.

 

But blaming your wife for ANYTHING that happened in the past is unproductive, because it leads you away from the sense of personal responsibility that you need to embrace.

 

She couldn't have trapped you into fatherhood....even if she bold-faced lied to you about birth control. Because YOU still made your own decision to engage in sexual relations with her (and probably without benefit of a condom). Your responsibility here is not mitigated, no matter what she said to you. If you didn't want to be a father, it was INCUMBENT UPON YOU to make absolutely certain that it wouldn't happen.

 

Own it. You'll be more at peace with the whole situation when you do. Because you can let go of the anger and resentment, when you take personal responsibility for your part in the debacle.

 

You were never forced into marriage. Own it. You'll be more at peace and less resentful.

 

When you find BALANCE within yourself as you will when you become completely truthful with yourself.....you'll be able to manage the fallout from the disintegration of the marriage much more easily. You'll be able to find mercy when she acts hatefully toward you. You won't feel the need to escalate the inevitable confrontations that will come.

 

 

 

 

p.s. I'm glad that you made the decision to take care of the divorce yourself. Asking your wife to do it for you is the emotional equivalent of splitting her lip and then telling her to go make you a sandwich.

 

I hope you'll follow through with taking responsibility for the legal aspects regarding the divorce.

[dgiirl]

Ladyjane, I wish I had the gift of words like you do! Everything you have written, i wish I could have said. Unfortunately my anger has clouded my judgement. Btw, can i get you to email my stbxh? lol

[Hot Coco]

Just wanted to bring something up that has been put on the back burner. You claim to be a "good guy" a great father. You said your child worships you. Yet you leave town and don't talk to him for days at a time. That is despicable! He needs you now more than ever! You're a terrible father. Action speak louder than words. How could you do that to your own child? You CAN'T only think of yourself now. You have a son. He's going to really resent you one day. Enjoy the worship while it lasts because he's not going to worship you for long.

 

If you were such a great father, you'd seek joint custody at the very least not "visitations" when it's convenient for you.

 

The way you're handling your child says a LOT to me. You're NOT a nice guy at all. You're a horrible father. Do you call and at least say goodnight to your child at night? This is just sickening!

 

I have a feeling your parents are playing a big part in this. They're telling you she was never right for you, etc. etc. Aren't THEY telling you that what you're doing to your child is cruel and very, very selfish?

 

You keep saying how you have to think of yourself now. Did you forget that you're still a father?

 

He needs you now. Don't just SAY you're a good father...BE one!

[Ladyjane14]

Btw, can i get you to email my stbxh? lol

 

Honey, you could probably get me to punch him in the nose for you. (You KNOW I'm kidding. I'm mostly a pacifist. )

 

I have to disagree a bit with Coco's last post though. I think a divorced person has the potential to be as good a parent as anyone else. The trick is to not allow escalating hostilities between ex-partners to distract from focusing on the needs of the child.

 

When people play the 'blame-game', it's bound to happen. It's a snowball effect.

 

That's why it's in the Hoorel's best interest to go ahead and take responsibility for his wants and needs in an honest appraisal. His wife's mistakes don't mitigate a thing. The marriage is over. It's not in his best interest to carry his resentments away with him.

 

He can then meet fire with WATER.

[Hot Coco]

Honey, you could probably get me to punch him in the nose for you. (You KNOW I'm kidding. I'm mostly a pacifist. )

 

I have to disagree a bit with Coco's last post though. I think a divorced person has the potential to be as good a parent as anyone else. The trick is to not allow escalating hostilities between ex-partners to distract from focusing on the needs of the child.

 

When people play the 'blame-game', it's bound to happen. It's a snowball effect.

 

That's why it's in the Hoorel's best interest to go ahead and take responsibility for his wants and needs in an honest appraisal. His wife's mistakes don't mitigate a thing. The marriage is over. It's not in his best interest to carry his resentments away with him.

 

He can then meet fire with WATER.

 

Yes, you're absolutely right that a divorced person has the POTENTIAL to be a good parent. But he's not living up to that potential. You say the trick is to not allow escalating hostilities between ex-partners to distract from focusing on the needs of the child. I completely agree with that BUT do you really thing the OP is focusing on the needs of the child? NO, he's moved to a different state and doesn't even CALL his son every day from the sound of it.

 

So yes, we're in agreement about divorced people having the potential to being a good parent. But he is NOT being one! I've seen it with my exH who was divorced with joint custody. He was a wonderful father (lousy husband though) and with my H who also sought and got joint-custoday. They not only talked the talk, they walked the walk.

 

I guess we have different ideas of what makes a good father because I don't think the OP is being a very good one at the moment.

[Ladyjane14]

He'll learn, Coco. Have some faith.

 

It's not like he's a 'knuckle-dragging neanderthal'. He's displayed an interest in doing the right thing. Just by coming here to LS and putting himself out there says something about him. It's not easy to put yourself up on the chopping block. And he's taken some heat too.

 

Cut him some slack.