libra103 Posted October 30, 2005 Posted October 30, 2005 Me & MM have been involved for close to 3 yrs. W knows & we constantly try NC we always fail. MM & W have 3 children, the reason of why he says he doesnt leave. He tells me that as well as his W, I have spoke to her & met her face to face several times, she confirms all of his stories (she contacts me) We have a very natural connection. Lately I am beginning to be fed up with everything!!! I want to leave & go on my way but become very sad & hurt when I try. Most of the time they have been silent attempts-I try to slowly drift away w/out him knowing by starting new relationships, new hobbies, ect......my every attempt fails. I am just not as happy with out being an active part of my life. I, like most did not come into this relationship to break up a happy home or to just stir up trouble. We met & it was just instant. We began meeting after work (we do not work together) a couple nights a week, a couple turned into several & several turned into entire night...weekends & now we are hitting year #3!!! I have had a wonderful 21/2 years- I know that may sound selfish but I have, I have been 110% satisfied, now I need MORE!!! I cant keep settling. So what do I do when I cant live with him (well the current situation) & cant live w/out him?? I feel STUCK! Any advice from those who have made it through would be great.
Sami_D Posted October 30, 2005 Posted October 30, 2005 Hello Libra, welcome, and at the same time... sorry to have you here amongst us, if you know what I mean? I can totally understand how you feel... it's great when you are with him, but you really feel that you need him to be in your life all the time, not just some of the time? Can you give a little more information? What are the stories his W confirms? What does he tell you he wants to do? Regarding NC, do you think that he's realised that your attempts at walking away are never going to lead to you not being in his life? Do you think you could impliment a NC policy, if that meant that you would never see him again should he not be able to commit to you? (read the threads started by me for some sort of take on that prospect and how I'm dealing with it) And lastly, you'll probably get a few really negative, anti-OW posts at first during this thread. Try to ignore them and work through them to find something more useful to your circumstances.
whichwayisup Posted October 30, 2005 Posted October 30, 2005 I have had a wonderful 21/2 years- I know that may sound selfish but I have, I have been 110% satisfied, now I need MORE!!! I cant keep settling. So what do I do when I cant live with him (well the current situation) & cant live w/out him?? Sadly for you, he isn't going to leave his wife so therefore your situation will not change. He isn't going to give you anymore than what you're getting now. So, wanting more is natural from where you sit, your heart wants more - But I think deep down inside and your mind knows that won't happen. It's now up to you to make the choice. Stay - Get hurt over and over because you can't fully have someone that you love - Or leave. Just end it. Make an appointment with a therapist to help you cope with the emotions and saddness...Time will heal all wounds, as sucky as that sounds, it's true. You just have to be strong and stick to what decision you make. Do you want to be on this rollercoaster ride for another 3 years? I bet you don't. You deserve someone who will be yours and only yours - Not someone elses husband.
Author libra103 Posted October 30, 2005 Author Posted October 30, 2005 Thanks Sami!! Can you give a little more information? What are the stories his W confirms? She admits that he tells her that he is only there for the C, she also tells me she knows better?! But she knows that we are together, she calls my cell to get in touch with him- very odd I know! My recent attempts I have not told MM about, b/c I dont want him to doubt my words- does that make sense?!?! We live about an hour away from each other so dating & diff social events are easily pulled off. & I miss his calls & try my best to not call him. I just feel like if I can just ease my way out it would be so much easier that just quitting cold turkey. But I am just getting frustarted & hurt....he doesnt realize it. In the past when we attempted NC we decided on it together- he has always broke NC....I have ALWAYS given in. I just feel like I have pushed my feelings aside for way too long & that if I keep it up I am going to end up numb by always holding in the hurt. I just want to quit feeling hurt & cheated... Make sense?
Author libra103 Posted October 30, 2005 Author Posted October 30, 2005 Sadly for you, he isn't going to leave his wife so therefore your situation will not change. He isn't going to give you anymore than what you're getting now. So, wanting more is natural from where you sit, your heart wants more - But I think deep down inside and your mind knows that won't happen.QUOTE] I KNOW that he will not leave. He tells me that he WANTS to BUT also tells me he WILL NOT until his children are grown. I know I need out, thats why I am here I need to know how to do it.....& by that I mean step by step how. Do I tell him? Do I just stop all contact w/out a word? How do I resist him? How do I start new when he has bee it for so long?
whichwayisup Posted October 30, 2005 Posted October 30, 2005 Just remember that he isn't completely 100% honest with you. How could he be, he's lying to his wife too. I'm sure he has told you they don't have sex or sleep in the same bed. My best bet is they do sleep in the same bed and occasionally have sex too. I'm sorry to say that. He contacts you after NC because he knows you won't say no to him. Both of you are in a holding pattern, push/pull, back'n'forth so if a week goes by with NC, eventually you know he'll contact you and he knows you'll see him. It's partially habit of getting what he wants and ego. I don't doubt for a second that he doesn't have feelings, I'm sure he truely does have deep feelings for you. It's just not fair to you or his wife and his kids that is he sharing his love with more than one woman.
whichwayisup Posted October 30, 2005 Posted October 30, 2005 He tells me that he WANTS to BUT also tells me he WILL NOT until his children are grown. I know I need out, thats why I am here I need to know how to do it.....& by that I mean step by step how. Do I tell him? Do I just stop all contact w/out a word? How do I resist him? How do I start new when he has bee it for so long? Yes, he keeps tellling you that, but what good is coming from it? Just alot of pain, knowing you can't have someone you want. Over and over again, thrown in your face. Ofcourse you tell him, have a talk, tell him you can't do this anymore, it's unfair to you, unfair to his wife, and most of all, unfair to his children! Be honest with him and tell him your heart is breaking. I think he knows too, that it has to end, but the weakness you both have is preventing you from following through. I don't mean to sound harsh, but if you want it over, make it so. Talk to your friends/family, get some support. Keep busy. Keep a daily journal, see a therapist, join a gym and BE active. But, allow yourself to cry and get over him...It's for your own good, even though right now I'm sure it's the last thing you want to do.
Author libra103 Posted October 30, 2005 Author Posted October 30, 2005 whichwayisup, oh I am sure that he tells me my share of lies, I dont think that just because I am the OW that i am invensible to the lies & BS I know that I am not. They share a bed & as much as I would love to deny that they have sex I cant I am sure they do. We never speak of his "other" life. We talk about ours & mine. Yes that pisses me off....he asks questions about my day, my evenings w/out him & I sit there. Do I want to know....of course, I wanted to know even more in the beginning, but I have never really asked. & now have just (sadly) accepted it. Thats why I need out now, before I just keep accepting things as they are & ending up numb. What I want is to feel better! to accept that he is not the man for me, that as much as I love & adore so many things about him its just not him. I know I cant make it through w/ out any hurt but there has to be a way without being mean & being devastated.
whichwayisup Posted October 30, 2005 Posted October 30, 2005 There is no way of ending any relationship without some sort of pain. The problem is, and I see this in almost every OW/MM thread, the pain is SO intense because of the type of relationship. That intensity is just always there, the highs and the lows. So, when it does actually end, it's alot worse because in single relationships there are reasons why people split up, for the better...In a OW/MM relationship it seems it all comes down to not wanting to share anymore and the OW wants him to leave his wife. MM can't do that, so therefore, even if the rest of the relationship is good, that is what makes it so hard to walk away from it all. I don't believe in your case there is a way of doing this without feeling hurt and pain. It doesn't have to end badly, it's how you both end it - together. Ofcourse you will miss him, you love him, but I think you're in more pain now. Atleast when it ends, you have closure and can go on. Right now it's a constant frustration of wanting what you can't have.
Author libra103 Posted October 30, 2005 Author Posted October 30, 2005 All of its just makes me want to sit down a cry. Sitting here reading all the diff OW post, coming to the realization that mine isnt much diff The thought of really never having anything more The idea of never having ALL of him.. All just sad. Thanks for your advice
whichwayisup Posted October 31, 2005 Posted October 31, 2005 You're welcome. Just take it one day at a time. You will know when the time comes to actually get the strength to finally end it. It is sad - That is why almost every OW on these threads start off that at the beginning it's all fun, intense and no strings...Eventually the heart gets in the way and OW want more and more...MM's most likely never leave their wives and if they do, there's no guarantee of them sticking around long. Afew threads in this section talk about how OW finally got the MM and he dumped her for someone else. Ouch. Hang in there and happy halloween for tomorrow!
glittergurl Posted October 31, 2005 Posted October 31, 2005 Just dump his a$$ and move on. This situation is sick.
curly Posted October 31, 2005 Posted October 31, 2005 I'm not trying to be flippant. I have been the OW for 1.5 yrs. It's been a nightmare of epic proportions. Read my posts... I won't even go into it here. No point, really, it's the same old story with a couple of plot line twists. While, I must admit your twist is unique, having spoken to the W and she knows to get a hold of him when he's with you, that's a new one. But, you must realize that at this point, neither she nor he is going to give you what you want. The W has obviously accepted the situation. She knows he's not leaving her and she is willing to overlook you. She has concluded, probably rightly so, that eventually he will tire of you and the charade and stay with her. Unfortunately, your requiring more of him emotionally or physically will absolutely end your relationship. Maybe not anytime soon, but it will. Don't get me wrong, I'm not advising you to play anything differently. If you need something more, then you should get more. But this man will not give it you. He seems like a true cake eater. I would not be surprised if you're not his 1st affair or 15th for that matter. Read some articles and posts on cake eaters. Do yourself a favor and take the advice on this forum to walk away. It's going no where with this guy. And I hate to point out the obvious, you know that it's going no where as well.
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