break up

[Un555]

I am going through a break up with my ex-fiance. We are both in our last year of law school and she has a 5 year old son whom I am very close to. We got engaged over the summer and things went down hill. We were so stressed with no money, new jobs, planning a wedding, etc.. We did a poor job of maintaining a relationship. I became controlling and unflexible. She revealed she is bi-polar and that she was abusing pain medicine. She was tring to tell me that she was struggling with her feelings about us, but I pushed foward, not wanting to see what she was saying. She was not completely honest with me and was trying to figure out why she was having such doubts and said she was afraid of losing me. We are now apart, but have to see each other every day. I have been having trouble letting go. She says she still loves me and misses me and she says that she wants to fix her self. She is in counseling and she seems to be getting things together. We have been up and down since the break up. Sometimes she seems like she wants to come back, and other times she is confident that we should be apart. She will not commit to saying we should get back together, and I know that we should not be together right now either. She basically has said that she needs space, she misses me, she loves me, she does not know if we should get back together, she needs help, and that if we do get back together we have a lot of work to do. I agree with all this, but I keep pushing and I know I have to stop if I want her back. I have never felt so in love with her. I miss everything about us and our family. I want to be strong and let her have her space, but I have to see her all the time and my strength takes a hit every time we have contact. Her friends tell me that she still loves me and that they are on my side. She has alientated a lot of people with her isolation of her self and how she pushes people away. She has a lot of issues from her childhood, such as the death of her dad, her mom's depression, and she later found out that her dad was a child molester of her older adopted siblings. She has a history of drug abuse and generally rebellioius past. Once she had her son her life changed, and she has tried very hard to over come her past. She says I am the greatest guy she ever met and that I showed her a love she had never seen. We still go to the same church and she seems to really be looking for answers for her self. It is just hard to not know if I am part of who she figures out she is. What do I do? She said if I don't give her space and what she needs we will never work. How do I just ler her go when my heart jumps into my throat every time I see her, which is every day. I still have a relationship with her son as well. It is so hard to just know they are going on with their lifes and I am alone. I know I need to be stronger, but what is my best plan of action, and is she being honest with me about why she needs time? Does it seem like we still have a chance? Why is it so hard for me to let go of us, and why do I feel the need to tell her how I feel every time we have a moment alone. I know I need to move the other way for now, but I am totally captivated by her right now.