unconcerned_irony Posted October 30, 2005 Posted October 30, 2005 I know that I will probably get flamed for this... but here goes. My girlfriend and I of 1.5 years are starting to fight constantly. This issues that have been brought up are things that she has a problem with me doing. The thing about it is, I am used to doing these things. I am not going to tell you what things are (just trust me, it's nothing horribly bad like cheating or lying etc.) These are just quirky things that I do that go against what she has believed to be morally acceptable for most of her life. The things about it is, that when we started dating, I told her about these "things" that I knew could upset her. I was completely candid about my quirks and told her upfront that if it upsets her to NOT be with me. At that time, she said that she could accept those things about me. Things were great! I thought that I finally had a girl that would accept me for who I was and I could reciprocate. However, as things progressed and time moved along, the things that she said she could "accept" are no longer acceptable. We fight about these things now constantly and I am trying to give her "easy outs" and telling her that I am not going to simply change who I am just so she can feel better about our relationship when she has said that she has accepted me in the past. Now, I know that people can change and that this is normal. The thing is, she knows that full acceptance is what I desire most in a relationship and she just doesn't want to give in to the fact that she most probably will not be able to give that to me. I feel horrible because I make her feel sad and like a horrible person. She feels horrible because she feels like we can't be close anymore. But she still won't take the initiative to leave me and find someone else that is better suited to her ideals. Am I supposed to take the action here and let her feel like the victim? Because, if I did break it off with her, that would be how she would feel. How do I know? She told me. Am I completely wrong here? Am I a bad boyfriend? What should I do?
kinziepooh Posted October 31, 2005 Posted October 31, 2005 Do you think that maybe your "quirks" are the killer here, and that through your whole life the ywill always haunt you as you stated " i thought i had finally found a girlfriend who could except me for who i was,". This girl loves you, and we all know that a woman doesn't let go of a man she actually loves until he hurts enough to turn that love into hate, and that is what happens, you hurt her and hurt her, until you finally kill her (metaphorically speaking) then her emotion turns to nothing and then hurt her more and it turns to hate. Not a good thing to do to someone you care about. But another question for you, why stay with her if she means less to you than your quirky little "habits". Women change men don't, but women think men will change and men think that women won't, you see the problem, She thinks that you will stop your "crap" and you think she won't ever except them. The thing is, she is already excepting them otherwise she would be gone, not tolerating something is breaking up with a person, excepting but not liking is staying with that person, but nagging them in hopes it will annoy them into submission. Back on track, do her and yourself a favor, either 1. stop you self pleasing habits, or 2. break up with her, and who gives a crap if she's the victim, let her be, you sound as though you are doing things so you can be the victim and be "poor me, no one will love me for who I am and what I do even if it is horrible", why, you need to think for you, why are you doing things to intentionally drive others away, what are your intimacy issues(realtionship not sexual) You seem to have a fear with letting someone get close, and when they do, like this girl, you resent her for them, think about it, you need to be happy inside and fix yourself before you can pressue a relationship, break up, get help, and move on, life is too short
Walk Posted October 31, 2005 Posted October 31, 2005 Irony, You sound like my bf. "I told you I was like this...", "You either accept it, or move on." Not to mean your problem is funny, but put it in a different light. Say you had the quirk of biting your toenails. You told her of this from the beginning, but at the beginning of the relationship, maybe you were more into interacting with her then biting your toenails. So it wasn't a big issue. Once in a while you gnawed on your toenails. Then as you became more comfortable in the relationship, you spent less time interacting with her, and more time chewing on your big toe. To the point that now she's saying, "excuse me, what's going on?" You tell her you were completely upfront about it from the beginning, so it's her problem and she can leave if she doesn't like it. All the while, she's thinking... I don't have a problem with it, except now he's doing it all the time. WTF! And she's trying to tell you that it was fine before, because it wasn't constant, and your just telling her "I don't care. Go find someone new then." All because you wanted to gnaw on your toenails. I guess I'm just trying to point out the ludicrousness of some people's ideas on "I won't change! Accept me for who I am!!" All your saying when you tell her to accept it or leave is that you don't really give a $hit about her. The only thing you care about are the quirks, and she doesn't matter to you. Thought relationships were about compromise. I'm sure she's curbed, or stopped, habits that you personally didn't like and you probably don't even know about it.
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