mopar crazy Posted October 30, 2005 Posted October 30, 2005 H ran into a friend today. He told H that he was out golfing awhile ago and he told H that the he seen his "fling" (H exOW) out golfing w/ some guy. He told H that another guy that was golfing works w/ the exOW and said she has f@cked all the guys at work but him. The exOW works for a company w/ about 300-500 ppl, men and woman, but mostly men. Of course H had to call me to tell me the "funny" news. I hope she hasn't caused any M problems and she is just sleeping w/ SG. She persued my H for 3 years so I know she will persue anyone if she is interested.
whichwayisup Posted October 30, 2005 Posted October 30, 2005 Your husband NEEDS to tell his friends not to mention or bring up the OW around him. It seems he is getting a kick out of it, then telling you - Which obviously is pissing you off...He's being a dink and so are his friends. What she does with whom is NOT his buisness period. His friends should know this too. That one friend sounds like a jerk.
Author mopar crazy Posted October 30, 2005 Author Posted October 30, 2005 Your husband NEEDS to tell his friends not to mention or bring up the OW around him. It seems he is getting a kick out of it, then telling you - Which obviously is pissing you off...He's being a dink and so are his friends. What she does with whom is NOT his buisness period. His friends should know this too. That one friend sounds like a jerk. WWIU, I wasn't actually pissed off that H's friend told him about the exOW, and in all honesty, I thought it was kind of funny. I knew it wouldn't take her long to go through her share of men at her new job. When my friends see an ex of mine they usually tell me "Guess who I seen/talk to today?" so it's nothing new to me that ex's are brought up. It doesn't bother me, never pissed me off, guess I posted b/c I thought it was funny she is hasn't changed at all. I think H's friend also told H b/c he thought he would get a kick out of her being the factory slut again. And really, it is kind of sad though. If her self-esteem is so low she needs to sleep w/ several men to feel wanted I feel sorry for her.
OldEurope Posted October 31, 2005 Posted October 31, 2005 If it were all so ha-ha funny and really no big deal to you, then why are you posting about it? Methinks the insecurity is still there, and you are seeking reassurance. My thoughts (I have followed your story for some time)...:The husband is totally inconsiderate, the co-worker/friend tasteless, and you still not on solid ground...at all.
Author mopar crazy Posted November 4, 2005 Author Posted November 4, 2005 If it were all so ha-ha funny and really no big deal to you, then why are you posting about it? Methinks the insecurity is still there, and you are seeking reassurance. My thoughts (I have followed your story for some time)...:The husband is totally inconsiderate, the co-worker/friend tasteless, and you still not on solid ground...at all. You are right, there is still some insecurity issues still there. I guess what I really don't understand is why H's friends feel the need to tell H when they see the exOW. What do they hope to accomplish by telling H they seen her? H doesn't want to talk about the exOW but as soon as one of his friends tells him something he calls me and tells me. I guess he is just being honest and he felt it was funny, yet he was ashamed b/c he almost ruined our M for someone like her.
OldEurope Posted November 4, 2005 Posted November 4, 2005 Dear Mopar, As I said, I have followed your story from you original threads (under a different name if I recall), and while I think you have come through enormous work and stress to rid yourself of the constant threat/presence of this (ridiculous) OW, some of that groundwork seems to be flaking off in bits and pieces of rubble beneath your feet as you climb out of this, causing you to slide back just before hitting your full goal... Your H, first and foremost, needs to be working O-V-E-R-T-I-M-E to ally your fears and restablish trust for you. He needs to show this gesture of love, dedication. The burden of proof is on him. The burden of the relationship should not be on YOUR shoulders, or ruining your peace of mind. With regard to the friends, because of the seriousness of past events, this can not be shrugged off as "boys will be boys" (and I am assuming here the "boys" involved are over the age of 3, despite my impressions of their mental age..ha ha)... Either: A) H has asked them on the sly to keep him informed of the OWs whereabouts and, er, "activities". This does not mean he wants to rekindle an affair, at all, but he is "downgrading" that A to a kind of "voyeurism"....i.e. he gets the "thrill" (banal as it all is) of hearing these anecdotes about her, which in turn satisfies the memory of the now-repressed experience he had with her but can no longer and perhaps no longer WANTS to act upon. His telling you, then, is an attempt to be "open" with you, expelling this new, lighter guilt, his conscience wanting to be up front..all in all a bumpy way of being honest with you when this "voyeuristic" information is being imparted. B) H did NOT ask them to keep him informed and they are doing it out of an obnoxiousness to get under his skin about the whole thing (see above comment about mental-age three year old adult males) In this case his telling you about what they said MIGHT fall into the category of "innocent" aside...as in, you two came through this rough and tumble chapter together, through lots of thick and thin, and now he is just passing on, for "history's sake" the latest news about this individual, which certainly does not put her in a good light (as I recall it was about her new sex partners, etc etc yawn) Two things I would recommend: A) Telling the H firmly that this experience has been such an emotional stress for you, you do not want to hear any information about the OW, who she is with, what she ate for breakfast yesterday...NOTHING anywhere in your presence, or to anyone you know. B) Tell the "friends" that your marriage to your H, whatever its speed bumps, means much to you and that you will not tolerate their telling your H about the OW. (Saying this to them might also reveal if your H asked them to keep him informed, as I wrote above COULD be a reason for all this) C) DO NOT sit there, or sit here, with a "Huh? Wha?" look on your face or running through your mind. You are the superior creature in all of this and DO NOT lower yourself to being bamboozled by all this confusion. D) On that note, you have be clear, make your ultimatums, demand black or white, yes or no, her or me, no OW "updates" anywhere 10 miles of you..and so on. The more you "accomodate" for this marriage, the more your H will get the subconscious message that, at the end of the day, you'll just "accept" it all. You are in the driver's seat here. You pick your direction and you steer things as you see fit. The rest--leave with the other stinkin' roadkill if need be. OE
Trimmer Posted November 4, 2005 Posted November 4, 2005 Mopar - I don't recall your history or any nuances of the relationship between you and your husband, but I would be a little careful not to send him a mixed message. If you guys are wroking hard on fixing things, and you've asked him for complete honesty so you can rebuid your trust in him, then isn't it a mixed message to tell him "but please hide from me anything you hear about the xOW", the very thing you have probably asked him to be completely honest and open about? You'll have to decide for yourself, but this sounds like a guy who is offering you honesty - if he hears something he shares it with you so it's not something he's hiding. (Wouldn't you be upset to know that he had been "talking about the OW" with his friends, and yet had hidden this fact from you?) I agree, his friends are insensitive for bringing it up, and he may be clumsy about the way he shares it with you - treating it like a joke if you don't like hearing it that way - but putting her down and treating her like a sorry joke may be his way of reinforcing within himself that he is fully disconnected from her. I guess what I really don't understand is why H's friends feel the need to tell H when they see the exOW. What do they hope to accomplish by telling H they seen her? I don't know - they may be simple jerks - on the other hand, this may be a "guy" way of offering support. "Look at what a {fill in the blank} she is - let's make fun of her together to remind you how lucky you are that you got past this big mistake." (or again, maybe they're just jerks...) But remember that their stupidity or insensitivity is not your husband's. H doesn't want to talk about the exOW but as soon as one of his friends tells him something he calls me and tells me. I guess he is just being honest and he felt it was funny, yet he was ashamed b/c he almost ruined our M for someone like her. On the surface, it sounds like he is pretty well emotionally disconnected from her, and he's being open with you about it. Unless you suspect something else is going on under the surface, I wouldn't try to talk you into looking for something pathological going on. He's honest with you, and ashamed about his previous actions - be vigilant, but hopeful. Now, if I need to go back and read your other threads to understand that he's actually a lying jerk or something, let me know, but could it be that you guys are actually working as a team here - both on the same side?
jonesgirly Posted November 5, 2005 Posted November 5, 2005 I think your husband is trying to be open and honest with you.
califlorgian Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 Gossip is disgusting. Similar gossip was spread about me when I have only slept with 1 man in years. Since my ex boyfriend when I lived in a different state. I seriously despise people who partake in gossip.
califlorgian Posted November 14, 2005 Posted November 14, 2005 Gossip is disgusting. Similar gossip was spread about me when I have only slept with 1 man in years. Since my ex boyfriend when I lived in a different state. I seriously despise people who partake in gossip. Sorry, I know that didn't help your situation. It just hit an emotional nerve, you know?
Recommended Posts