wyldflower Posted October 30, 2005 Posted October 30, 2005 For those of you have read my earlier post, I stoppped contact with J. He SMS'd me and called me flat out as soon as I did this. He is really hurting. I know the man, have been friends with him and have been with him (not as OW but as girlfriend during a separation) when he wasn't ready to be in love, wasn't in love and the difference is noticeable. He says I'm his soul mate. I've always thought the same about him (before, during and after affair). He called me and played me a song he wrote for me (very intense and yeah, he's a muso) and said "I'm not coping. I have been walking around in a daze. Can't stop crying. W keeps asking me what's wrong." Against everyone here's advice I decided to be friends with him, because I adore the man and want him in my life on whatever level. He means that much to me. So here I was being a strong girl... when he said I love you, I said DON"T say that, I don't want to hear it etc. Last night I went to his gig and he said he had something to tell me. W asked him if he's in love with someone else just as he was leaving for gig. She just clicked because of how he's been lately. He is once again facing a break up (last one was last week) and torn over kids and the fact they are financially dependent on him etc. I feel for the man. He feels like he is abandoning his family. That's not an easy decision to make. I want him, but I know I need to let him sort himself out. I can't be hurt again. This is the third time in a month. One of the lines in his song is "Her friends say I'm a player". Last night my best friend said to him she knows he is not playing me. She said he just looked at her like she had given him a million dollars. Said "Thank you so much." Even the father of my daughters thinks he is a great man and that he really is in a hard situation. J was over last week for a few days (during previous bust up) and we all hung out on back patio and the two men had a big talk. Ex asked J about home situation and they talked openly and honestly about it. I was a little worse for wear after too many beers and pizza later on and J tucked my daughters into bed, told my youngest girl "I love your Mummy very much". My kids think we are just very good friends. And we are. That's why I have to believe in this. Even though things are not happening at moment (as exclusively his or OW), I have a beautiful man whose friendship I cherish and who lights up my life. And that's cool for now. That's what I'm telling myself as I wait for further updates.
Rodeogirl Posted October 30, 2005 Posted October 30, 2005 wow good outcome the power is at least back in your hands for now with him pining away for you. I wish mine would call so i can ignore it and then give in and be in his arms again damn it use to feel good, but he dosnt want me anymore for some reason telling him I cared scared him....it's not like i said love... I guess I am happy that you are happy. I only wish I had the ball in my court cause right now this is the lowest i ever felt in my life. I keep thinking he will contact me and say look i wouldnt mind if you stayed in town i like spending time with you i just dont want you to stay because of me and i cant give you everything you might expect, in other words if we fail i dont want you to regret not being with your husband... if he just expressed those words i would have some respect left for him, but with this silence thing I feel like punching his fkn lights out!
Author wyldflower Posted October 30, 2005 Author Posted October 30, 2005 You poor thing. Silence is horrible. You get no answers, your head makes up its own answers (which are probably more scathing than any he could give you) and you feel like sh*t basically. I understand. Keep your spirits as high as possible. throw yourself into other stuff, ANYTHING you enjoy or, even better, are REALLY good at to build yourself back up. I know words can't make that horrible empty feeling go away. I'm sorry.
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