Meet my Ex-MM

[Torn Up]

LB, as well as others here, advised me to pick myself up from my recent stumble and resume the NC status with my MM. Did I follow that advice? No. Why? I don't know. And there's the kicker...I honestly DON'T KNOW.

 

His latest claim was that he was filing for divorce this past week. Did he? No, not to my knowledge. Is anybody here suprised? Probably not.

 

I allowed him to spend the night at my house last Monday. His wife was well aware of his whereabouts...he told her he was spending the night with me.

 

The fallout? I was greeted by her Wednesday after getting off of work. She was standing next to my car...drenched by the rain, waiting to talk to me. I had just finished a long and hectic day at work, and to be honest, I was exhausted from the day and was not in the mood for this. But she continued to stand in the rain and begged me to talk to her, so I invited her into my car and she, my son (yes, he was there as well), and myself drove to a nearby Taco Bell for coffee.

 

While there, she and I had a long talk. She informed me that her husband told her he would do anything it took to repair the marriage IF he and I didn't work out. She also told me they have been having sex (something he said they were NOT doing). Now, mind you...he had just told me he was filing for divorce the week before, something I didn't tell her because I didn't want to hurt her anymore than she already was. I did tell her, however, that I had a short conversation with her husband earlier in the day during lunch in which I expressed to him that I felt it was best if we parted ways and he should be exerting his energy toward repairing his marriage.

 

As she and I were talking, he was busy writing me an email...completely unaware that she and I were together. I am going to include his email here so those of you here can get a taste of the type of man I am dealing with.

 

"I do love you. Very much so! But right now, I wish that we were together and I feel the great need to be hugged and told how much you love me.

 

I'm sitting here in my computer surrounded by boxes of my belongings that were "packed for me" while I was at your house Monday. This is something I should had told you about but I didn't seem to get the chance (or find a way) yesterday and it sure didn't happen today. But hey, I gotta admit the place is sure looking clean!! Speaking from my heart and knowing that my daughter had a big part of them packing my stuff I feel broken down and so tired of the 'round and around, barbs, and sometimes outright hatred that I feel in this house.

 

But what should I have expected? I love another woman and I refuse to deny it. There is no doubt to me that the winds of change are blowing through this household. Sure, that part is painful in many ways but let those winds of change blow me away. I'm ready. I've always tried to be fair, cheerful, hopeful and tried hard to protect the hearts of others the best that I could. Probably to a fault.

 

Today, I'm tired, stiff and sore feeling and already running a fever from that damn flu shot this morning. This always happens to me when I get one of those shots and I hate it!

 

Although I'm obviously getting sick and feeling like sh*t, I'm sorry to have been lacking patience with you ealier today while sitting in your car. I'll admit to feeling shut out of your life once again but, I appreciate your honesty een if those thoughts left me reeling and I found your comment about the plastic bag thing very hurtful...that was a mistake on my part and I've said so several times. I fuc*ed up and I've admitted it. Don deal okay? Let it drop...Please? I understand you also have feelings and no doubt that our relationship has been a real challenge to you.

 

I'm also sorry that today was not a good one to face either your feelings or to express my own. Especially within those 9 short minutes I had remaining on my lunch break. I so badly wished we were somewhere else without time being an issue.

 

Anyway, I hope you can find the patience with both me and this whole situation and hang in there. I think there's a new beginning for us in sight. If you desire to end our relationship then it's your call as I clearly know my feelings toward you. I've tried hard to show you the feelings and the love that I have for you every chance I could. Sure, I'm aware you've had doubts of my love but I don't know what else I could do to show you. I've always tried hard to do the best that I could and it always came straight from my heart. But, I've always told you to follow your heart and continue to do so now. If it's time for me to go, I'll understand.

 

It's off to bed for me. I doubt I'll be at work tomorrow as these flu symptoms are coming on really strong.

 

Sleep tight sweetheart and find peace within. I'll always love you regardless.

 

After my talk with his wife, I responded to the above email informing him that I have been made aware of his lies. I told him that I was now aware that he told her he would do whatever it takes to make the marriage work, despite his telling me that he wanted to divorce her and begin a future with me, as well as being made aware that she and he were having sex, although he assured me they were not. I told him goodbye, that I wanted nothing to do with him, and to stay with his wife because she loved him.

 

As a result, I recieved the following email from him:

 

"I've read your entire letter and I'm sorry that I've caused you so much pain.

 

Obviously you were not told that I've been going to sleep dressed and waking up that same way...With my clothes on! I can only assume she didn't mention the dozens of times I told her that our marriage was over this past week either.

 

I could go on and on with your letter but I won't. It seems like it's all a dead issue, your anger is intense.

 

I'm very sorry you feel as you do but it's obvious that listening to me for my side of the story isn't on your agenda. Go ahead, you can say bullsh*t. I do love you but the reality is that there is no way I can continue in a relationship where the onlly truest that exists is between you and my wife.

 

You can believe whatever you want to believe. I have accepted your decision as final. At this point there is no way I can continue with either you or my wife. I told my daughter that I love her and I know now htat it's time to hop in my truck and move on. There is little else for me to do, there is noting left for me here.

 

You and my wife might eventually become good friends with me out of the picture. Hey, you two will always have something to talk about.

 

Our time together was fun. Naw, it was awesome...and I'll never forget it. But the hopes and dreams I had yesterday are gone. Breath easy, the stress, fears and pain you found in our relationship is over.

 

It WAS real.

 

Goodbye, I'll miss you.

 

I did not respond to his above email. I saw him yesterday at work and tried very hard to ignore him...wouldn't even look at him as we passed by in the hall, although he stared at me intensely.

 

When I got off of work, there was a large tarp left on the hood of my car from him to cover my wood against the rain and snow this winter.

 

I also came home to this email from him:

 

Just wanted to say one thing.

 

I miss you.

 

And there is where it stands. I have not responded to him in any way...but I am in deep pain right now. Can't seem to stop crying this morning. I wanted to post these emails from him here to let you all know what I'm facing...how charming and seemingly genuine he is. Good, isn't he???

 

God help me.

 

~Torn~

[Hot Coco]

"Good isn't he?"

 

Not at all! I see right through that shyt! Now he's using reverse psychology on you like he's really given up and accepts your decisions. And he's acting like HE dumped YOU! Man, he's a piece of work. Let the bum go, Torn!

[Sami_D]

He sounds really dreadful and totally self-absorbed

[Hot Coco]

Hey Sami! How are you doing? Any contact? How are you coping?

[Sami_D]

Hello Coco. I'm just about doing OK at the moment thanks. Have managed to avoid contact. Missing being able to chat to him though... really badly. Thanks for asking .

[Hot Coco]

I'm glad you're doing well. It's hard I know. Some days are worse than others. Hang in there! You'll be fine.

[lifestyle1]

This guy needs to grow up- he is palying the 2 of you- he wants the securitu that you will be there if he leaves his wife and the security from wifey that she will hang in there should you 2 nt work out.

 

you cannot begin 1 relationship without ending the first. I speak from experience. My MM left his wife but never divorced her and bounces back and forth between us 2.

 

Until the relationship is severed- he is still in a relationship with HER. If they have a family, then bow out- let them figure out if they want to salvage their relationship without running interference from YOU.

 

I dont care that you love him.. You knew he was married, and you had no business inviting him into your bed.

 

And lastly- if they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you.

 

I know this from experience too. All in all. It is painful, But how long do you want to endure and drag on the pain?

[TiredOfWaiting]

Torn - I have read all your posts.

 

Wow, your mails really speak to me.

 

Read mine, similar in that I too feel this terrible guilt and obligation due to my contribution to the demise of a marriage, although I do recognise I was not the only factor.

 

My exMM is now D, but really playing mind games.

 

I think what I have had to tell myself over and over is that I, or for that matter you, could not single-handedely have been the cause of all their problems.

I believe my exMM would have ended up D sooner or later, as he has admitted that there was so much missing in his M that he would go outside of his M again if he had stayed M and I had left him.

 

You do not live in their home. You do not control HIS actions.

 

I really, really agree with LB and in fact have saved her post on a document on my hard drive for future reinforcement.

Lay the ground rules, and then walk away.

 

I am going to have to do this too, as my exMM is manipulating me almost daily. He is twisting everything around to seem like my fault, and so conveniently forgets his 50% contribution.

 

Ask yourself this, and this a harsh reality:

What would you do to be with him? Wouldnt you give anything? Didnt you just about do that?

 

Ask yourself too:

What has he done to be with you?

 

You have to heal and see this whole situation from a really clear and whole perspective, not in the panic state you are in now.