Why can't I have her?

[wantingher]

OK, I'll try to keep this brief...

A year ago I met a wonderful girl- beautiful, clever, fun to be with. I was on my own in a new place and she befriended me. I asked her if she wanted to meet up for coffee and she agreed. I would meet her after classes (we're both at the same university doing different subjects) and a couple of times she came over to mine for pizza and to watch a film.

Basically, I fell for her.

There is only one problem- her boyfriend of nearly 3 years. She has mentioned him since the first time we met and is always talking about him- what they do together, what he says about things, the holidays that they go on. It drives me insane to hear this and I have asked her to stop mentioning him but she says that she doesn't understand why. I just don't want to hear it.

Recently she has stopped replying to my messages and phonecalls and says she is too busy to meet up with me. I have sent her a rose and told her that I am always here for her. But I get nothing back. I am sure that she likes me- why else would she spend time with me and say things like "you are a lovely guy" all the time?

I really need some help on this. I want her so badly and cannot think what to do. She cannot be with this guy forever, she says she loves him but how can she be so stupid? What can I do to make her see that she would be better off with me? I could make her so happy. Plus her boyfriend cannot be that nice a person- when he found out about me he sent me a letter saying that I was to leave her alone. What a creep. Plus he is older than her. (I am 22 and so is she).

Please anyone tell me what I can do to get her.

[glittergurl]

Are you for real or is this a fake post?

 

If this is real, ehh, you're a freak. Leave the girl alone. She's been with her boyfriend for 3 years already, somehow I don't think she'll dump him for you any time soon. Of course the guy wrote you a letter, you're flirting with HIS girlfriend. He has every right be jealous and protective. Maybe she sent mixed signals and only realized recently how you took things a bit too seriously. Sending roses was plain sick and rude, she's taken. Could you insult her boyfriend **the man she loves** any more?

 

You need some help, man.

[AlmostMarried77]

her boyfriend is right and he probably sent you a letter at her request to stop him meeting you face to face and loosing his temper

 

She's already in a commited relationship with a guy she loves. She spent all that time with you cause she saw you as a friend and has now backed out realising that you were after being far more than friends.

 

Leave her alone and get on with your life.

 

Sorry if that sounds harsh but you really need to wake up and smell the coffee

[Outcast]

You can't have her because she belongs to someone else and you had NO right to hit on her while she was in a committed relationship. Ever hear of 'morals'? Just the fact that you continued to bother her knowing she had a boyfriend probably turned her off from even being your friend.

What can I do to make her see that she would be better off with me?

 

Um. That's your opinion. You can't 'make' anybody do anything, particularly think as well of you as you do. You need to understand this above all - you can NOT 'MAKE' anybody like you if they don't like you.

 

Move on before you get yourself in a pile of trouble.

[loony]

I would meet her after classes (we're both at the same university doing different subjects) and a couple of times she came over to mine for pizza and to watch a film.

So, you're doing things that friends do together, no big deal.

 

There is only one problem- her boyfriend of nearly 3 years. She has mentioned him since the first time we met and is always talking about him- what they do together, what he says about things, the holidays that they go on. It drives me insane to hear this and I have asked her to stop mentioning him but she says that she doesn't understand why. I just don't want to hear it.

When people talk about their partners it's a polite way of letting you know that they're not interested in you and that you should not try to pursue them as this might hurt your feelings and as a consequence ruin the friendship between you.

 

On an aside, you should worry more about people who do not tell you about their boyfriends/girlfriends.

 

Recently she has stopped replying to my messages and phonecalls and says she is too busy to meet up with me.

Even if she did not understand why you wanted her to stop talking about her boyfriend, she surely has now got an idea of your feelings for her and is trying to avoid you. She's not too busy, she just doesn't want to see you and she's making up excuses (which in her case I find understandable because this:

 

I have sent her a rose and told her that I am always here for her.

would drive me away as well. People don't like to be run over with someone else's feelings and in this case what you did was way too much. She's a) not available and b) has not explicitly expressed her interest in you. Romantic gestures should be saved for people you're in a relationship with or who have shown you that they are interested in taking things further with you.

 

But I get nothing back. I am sure that she likes me- why else would she spend time with me and say things like "you are a lovely guy" all the time?

That's what nice and inexperienced people say. She was obviously not aware that you were falling for her till it was really late.

 

I really need some help on this. I want her so badly and cannot think what to do. She cannot be with this guy forever, she says she loves him but how can she be so stupid?

Why can she not be with him forever? And what justifies your belief that she is stupid? Given the description that you have given of yourself and your actions I strongly doubt that you know what she wants or needs.

 

What can I do to make her see that she would be better off with me?

The fact that she chooses to stay with her boyfriend and has started to avoid you should make it clear to you that she doesn't think that she would be better off with you. She'd probably rather have you stop pursuing her, that very likely would make her feel better.

 

I could make her so happy.

You're not making her that happy, otherwise she would have considered on her own to dump her boyfriend, she hasn't though.

 

Plus her boyfriend cannot be that nice a person- when he found out about me he sent me a letter saying that I was to leave her alone. What a creep. Plus he is older than her. (I am 22 and so is she).

Her boyfriend is certainly not a creep. You can bet though that this girl went to her boyfriend and told him what you had done and that she did not like it. You're intruding her personal space and that's why she's finding all the excuses to stay away from you. How do you think did her boyfriend know about you? Unless he can read minds or has a crystal ball you can assume that someone told him what's going on between you and this girl and it wouldn't be such a bad bet to assume that it was her.

 

Please anyone tell me what I can do to get her.

Absolutely nothing. You won't get her. Your chances were slim from the beginning and they have now approached zero. There is nothing you can do to win her over. Leave her alone otherwise you will really drive her away. If I were in her place now, I'd feel very very uncomfortable and maybe even concerned about my safety.

 

Do some reading on this forum to improve your reading skills of positive signals that women give off who are interested in you. If you know how to distinguish the 'come closer' and 'stay away' signals you'll fare better in the dating world.

 

I hope you're not a troll, because your post seems a bit weird.

[MakeMeBeautiful]

Women make the assumption that men and women can have strictly platonic relationships. When you met this girl she probably befriended you thinking that things between the two of you was strictly friendsship. That is why she talks about her boyfriend - to remind you and to keep you on the platonic level.

 

I was in a slightly similar situation. I met a guy and we became good friends. He told me about his girls and I told him about my guys. Just recently I started getting this odd feeling that he may start to like me. That was when I started talking about the guy I was dating more. One day he sent me an email saying that he was not sure he wanted to be my friend any more because whenever he sees me or talks to me, he is reminded of how he never got anywhere with me like he never gets anywhere with most of the women that end up as his friend. They end up calling him and telling him about how the men in their lives suck and for once he just want to be the man doing some of the sucking for some woman. This was a few weeks ago and we haven't talked or seen each other since. I felt like I was losing a great guy friend but at the same time I understood that things couldn't remain platonic forever. When a guy ends up as a friend, it is hard for me to change the way I see him. I can't have a romantic relationship with him. He knows too much about how I operate with men.

 

I can understand why she has not responded to you. Your obsession scared her. Telling you that you are a lovely guy just means that she thinks you are a great guy...just not great enough to want to have a romantic relationship with. I hate this. Both girls and guys are guilty of doing something like this. We tell the opposite sex that they are great thinking that it will soothe them but it only sends out conflicting signals and makes it harder for the other person to let go. When a guy tells me that I am great, sweet, wonderful, etc I hold onto it thinking that he really does like me. What I realized is if he really did like me he wouldn't say something lame like that. He would simply want to be with me. Her boyfriend is not a creep for telling you to stop. You cannot decide for. The bottom line is that she wants to be with him and not you. There is nothing you can do to "get her".

 

You have to let it go. Stop sending the flowers. Maybe in time she will start communicating with you again if you stop the pyscho behavior.

 

Just recently I was dating a guy then one day he tells me that he wants to reconcile with someone from his past. I was devastated and I acted like the psycho loon. After about a month of putting my emotions in check, I reached out to him with an olive branch. He called me and I managed to keep him in my life as a friend. (I'm still not sure how wise this is for my emotional health.) I know he is with someone else. Maybe a little part of me is holding onto the hope of things not working out with the new girlfriend but I don't obsess over it. I started seeing someone else but I know I still care a great deal about this guy. If someone asked me a few months ago I couldn't honestly say that I wished him happiness with the new girlfriend. Now I can honestly say that I wish him the best and I am truly glad that he is happy. And for some reason things do not work out for them...maybe there is a second chance for us. I don't live my life thinking that day will come. I know that he is still in my life still because I think this way. If I hadn't learn how to let go of us, he would not want to stay in contact with me. And if things were to ever cross the line between the two of us, I expect his girlfriend to contact me and tell me to leave him alone or ask him to stop calling me. I know that to him she comes first...she is the winner and I am the loser.