Need Advice: I am the OW, with friends fiancee, two encounters

[toughspot]

I am really struggling with how to handle the situation I got myself into. Like most postings I read, I can honestly say, up until 5 months ago, I never would have got involved with anyone who was attached to another person, be it girlfriend, fiancee, wife or whatever. Two things, one, I got tricked into being the other woman, by a guy telling me after we had sex, oh I have a girlfriend of 9 years. But i can't play innocent, because I did see him two other times. A few weeks ago though, I did call him and said that I can't go through with this anymore.

But the problem here now is that, a few months back, my old friend from high school's fiancee came on to me, playing all the right cards, giving all the right compliments. Not just oh you are beautiful, or pretty, but really speaking to the person I am and deep stuff. It started out as an intimate conversation, him asking if you were her, would you be doing this, that , if you were my girlfriend, would you be my girlfriend, I think about you all the time, I am so happy to have you in my life. God all of these things you only wish a guy would say to you, wish a guy would see you for the person you are deep down, I mean this guy has seen so many sides of me, he's known me for 7 years! TO have a guy see you in your worst, best, fat, thinner, drunk, sober, funny, depressed, everything, to start really being like wow, you are an amazing person, and really mean it, its just so hard to resist. So there were two encounters. One a few months ago, like it started off, we are only going to hug, I wouldnt kiss him, that was too official. but he did touch me in a private area briefly. Second a month ago, we started talking about what had happene,d he asked me if i was thinking of him, he told me he loved me, and that if i only knew how good I made him feel, that what he felt like, that he needed to see me more. So we kissed and he was the one to push it, i turned away a few times, knowing once that happened there was no turning back. he put me on his bed, and we were fooling aorund, and then he was taking my pants off, and his pants off, and for about 10 seconds we had intercourse. then he freaked out and said we cant do this, and we stopped.

Now, the kicker is, I am her friend, I am in their wedding which is this summer. Though, over the past four years or so, we only see each other about four or five times a year, and email not even once a month.

So far i did agree with him not to say anything. I tried telling mhim they shouldnt get married, that he should break up with her, before things get over complicated you know kids and vows... But for me for a few reasons not to say anything, one, because i dont want to deal with the drama, I am being honest here. two, because i rather have him do the right thing and break off the engagement, without telling her why, there is no need for her to be completly heartbroken. three, she doesnt deserve to be so hurt. she also doesnt deserve to be with a cheater. now if i lost her friendship, it wouldnt be a loss to me, so i am not really worried about that, sure, i might be worried about my home town reputation. At this point i am not going to tell her. But its on my mind, and its weighing on myconscious. I amnot sure if telling her is what needs to be done, and I dont want to tell her in order to relieve my conscious, that s more selfish than anything. Oh, and I plan on not doing anytihng with him anymore, but part of my god damn it still feels slight temptation. But i need to remind myself that she and I deserve better than for me to be doing this.

Any and all advice would be appreciated.

[JadeStar]

Sounds like you have a hard time resisting not only temptation,but men that are attatched. As far as your friend goes, doesn't matter really if you tell her or not. Chances are at some point she will find out about it. You said you didn't want to be a part of the drama, well you became apart of it when you laid down with him.

 

 

 

Jade

[toughspot]

Not sure if you are trying to be helpful or just judgemental? I'd say thanks for the advice, but there really wasn't any. I am sure you are perfect.

[JadeStar]

Sorry you see it as judgemental. You want advice, what was the question? You want to know how to handle a situation that sounds like a done deal? I don't know what to tell you other than what has happened happened and you need to move on from it. Learn from the mistakes. I'm not trying to be judgemental, but I will tell you when you post on here, you will get all kinds of opinons/advice. Some you will like and some you wont. I think I told you something you didn't want to hear. You get that here sometimes. Nope I'm not perfect.

 

 

 

Jade

[EnigmaXOXO]

The only thing worse you could possibly do to your so-called "friend" after everything else you've done… is to cowardly accept her kind invitation to be included in her bridal party and pretend to have her best interests at heart.

 

That would just take the cake. (pardon the pun)

 

Do the adult thing and graciously turn down her offer. Tell her it's for "personal reasons" if you're worried about your reputation and don't have the courage to confess what you and her fiancé have done. Then disappear from her life as your last selfless act in her behalf. IF you have one smidgen of conscience left.

 

"if i lost her friendship, it wouldn't be a loss to me, so i am not really worried about that

 

I'm certain if this poor lady knew just what kind of "friends" you and her fiancé really were, your absence wouldn't be much of a loss to her, either. Hopefully she has enough family and real friends to turn to for support. But be prepared for the fallout when everyone finds out. It certainly won't be nearly as pretty as that tainted bridesmaid dress I hope you get stuck with.

[whichwayisup]

I agree with Jade, both times. She nor I are judging you - It's more of a lesson learned situation. Unfortunately the stakes are high and there's a good chance you could lose your friend over it. Consquences of the actions. That is not judging you, it's just reality of what happened.

 

Sounds like he sweet talked you and sadly, you fell for it.

 

I tried telling mhim they shouldnt get married, that he should break up with her, before things get over complicated you know kids and vows... But for me for a few reasons not to say anything, one, because i dont want to deal with the drama, I am being honest here. two, because i rather have him do the right thing and break off the engagement, without telling her why, there is no need for her to be completly heartbroken. three, she doesnt deserve to be so hurt. she also doesnt deserve to be with a cheater. now if i lost her friendship, it wouldnt be a loss to me, so i am not really worried about that, sure, i might be worried about my home town reputation. At this point i am not going to tell her. But its on my mind, and its weighing on myconscious. I amnot sure if telling her is what needs to be done, and I dont want to tell her in order to relieve my conscious, that s more selfish than anything. Oh, and I plan on not doing anytihng with him anymore, but part of my god damn it still feels slight temptation. But i need to remind myself that she and I deserve better than for me to be doing this.

 

It isn't up to you to decide if he should/shouldn't go through with it. That is his choice. He probably has s*** floating in his head too and there are consquences to his actions too. Maybe he'll confess and tell her all about it, maybe he won't. Maybe he told his bestfriend - Either way, it's out there and one day it could come out.

 

STAY away from him, even if you are tempted. Use the head, not the heart or body. There is no future there between you two, so why bother tempting yourselves? Think about it.

 

Anyway, no judgements here, any judgements you may be feeling is coming from your own guilt. She will be heart broken when and if she finds out. No doubt about it.

[toughspot]

After going to my friend's and her fiancee's (i'll refer to as FF, friend's fiancee) halloween party I realized that FF has no intentions of putting an end to pursing me. After a phone call a month ago, I thought that he was going to stop coming after me, that he had decided to concentrate on their relationship and realized it was a big mistake. I was wrong, less than an hour into the party, he grabbed my ass up my skirt as I was walking up the stairs. Even worse, a little while after that he pulled me aside, to show me "their newly redone den" and he said, "I still want to f*ck you< it's up to you". Though I was tempted to flirt with him earlier,when we were just throwing each other a few glances, I now know for sure that that this could not happen. It's so messed up that I let it happen in the first place!! So, I told him no, it was bad karma and walked out of the room. Later I saw him rub her back and stand right next to her to take a picture, and it dawned on me on a higher level how messed up the whole situation really was. I mean i really felt how messed up it was, how could one minute he ask me to F*ck him and then go back to her like nothing. Before I wasn't connecting with that reality.

So now the whole thing is eating away at me and I think it's because I should tell her. Do you guys think that is what should happen? I was thinking that if he would just break up with her and do the right thing (cause clearly a marriage would be a joke) I could spare her the heartbreak of knowing what happened. But i don't have faith that he will do the right thing, so I am thinking she needs to know the truth, and i am going to have to tell her.

[Tangerina]

I know this is kind of opposite of what other people would say aout not messing in other people's business.... but I know that if I was with someone who was cheating on me, ESPECIALLY if we were about to get married, I would want to know, I would have to know.... I tell guys that I am in serious relationships with just how bad it would hurt me if they cheated on me, but how it would hurt a thousand times more to find out that they had cheated on me and hid it because they thought it wasn't a big deal or something.... Ideally I would want them to tell me and I let them know that..... We might even be able to salvage things if they were honest about it... but if they wouldn't tell me I would absolutely want someone who knew about it to tell me... and then I would dump their ass so fast for cheating and lying..... if I were your friend, I would absolutely want to know that my fiance had cheated even if it was hard hearing it from the person he had cheated with, I would be able to forgive you since you were honest and I would throw out my cheating fiance and be thankful I got out while we weren't yet married....