lifestyle1 Posted October 29, 2005 Posted October 29, 2005 Well I was the one left. from a man who "didn't mean it" but uses words just to "shake me up" A poor way to communicate. Inconisderate, hurtful, manipulative,. He broke up with me, but was intending to just leave for a night and return. Funny thing, I thought he meant it, explained how I didnt like ultimatums, asked him to clarify (cus he threatens as part of who he is) and then changed the lock on him. This is what I learned- We are attracted to each other and in a toxic relationship. He is an avoidance addict, who has a hot temper, and little impulse control. He is immature. I on the other hand have aandonment issues stemming from a painful divorce when I was 11 and my father never contcted me agian. So I dont take well, ultimatums. If you love me, lets work it out and find a resolution. Everyone suggests NO CONTACT with a breakup. It is brilliant. It allows both parties time alone to reflect on their part and contribution to the break up- break down- Every time I made it thru the day- I felt proud of myself. Believe me, even if HE is the one that Initiated the breakup. when he doesnt hear from you he will be wondering "what's she doing?" Then I started to intiate contact. I am grieving and going thru the withdrawalls of the relationship. I am reading and writing and I want to understand. We started talking- I wanted to undersatnd how this happened? sure, there was hope for me that we could fix this, but I also want to know for myself, so I dont repeat past mistakes in any furutre relationships. It helped me to listen to him, it helped me to hear his truth. he did say he loved me and misses me, he said he is angry, and hurt, and confused, and doesnt know what he should do, but felt it wasnt over between us, we just needed time. We both realize we did something we shouldnt have. He left his 17 yr marriage and 2 kids for me, we moved into an apt (i left my 12yr marriage) with my 3 kids in a 2 bdrm. we should have both taken the time to heal and grieve for our marriage and our children before living together. we were both afraid. we dealt with the hurt and angry children, families, the loss of a home and a cramped apt with 5 people. the starting over with finances, I had a 3 yr court battle becuz my ex refused to pay child support, so my new BF helped support me. I began a new business and he helped me get it off the ground. so here we are- 5 yrs later. we moved into a 4 bdrm house where everyone has their own space. We live 1 block from his kids. my business is good, his business is great. we can afford a few luxuries. my kids are exelling in school and happy here. our sons work together at a job ater school. I won my court battle and now get monthly child support plus I receivd a settlement with interest for back supprt. so what happened? I finalised my divorce and he never did, which made me angry. he started to withdraw saying i was too into my business. he began a telephone relationship with a friend of his neice( who is 27 and going thru a divorce) . Knowing that we cheated on our spouses, this HIT TOO CLOSE TO HOME. I suspected, and I discovered it, ( he denied it then admitted to just talking) Now he is sorry and we are separated. any feedback?
bendit Posted October 29, 2005 Posted October 29, 2005 In this life, you REAP what you SOW. Don't mean to be flip but both of your actions as adulterers produced a lot of pain for people, and as you see, there was never ANY guarantee that the grass would be Greener. You married an adulterer and so did he. Unless you or he corrected that deep character flaw, then either of you could do it AGAIN. All I can say is start to consider how your actions, your behaviour, is going to effect you and the people around you. It really is that simple. To make this as clear as possible, Start behaving correctly and you will get better results. If it were me, I would exit this relationship permanently, and learn from the many mistakes that I made. I would then try to learn how to be happy and fulfilled by myself yes ALONE, without a man around. People don't do this because its HARD so they get needy and accept rotten people into their lives. Only at that point would I contemplate finding and slowly nurturing another relationship with an AVAILABLE man. regards ps: see my sig
westernxer Posted October 29, 2005 Posted October 29, 2005 Like you said, it's a toxic relationship. Bottoms up.
Author lifestyle1 Posted October 29, 2005 Author Posted October 29, 2005 Who I was THEN and who I am NOW - does not define me as a person. Clearly I did not make good choices which led me to pursue a relationship with an unavailable man. Prior to this, I had never considered an affair, flirted with it, fantasized about it. The OM did however have numerous affairs. I know now, that what I could not ask for in my previous reltionship, I went outside of marriage to fulfill. I also know that I was emotionally immature in doing this- which doesnt justify the behavior. I have learned to be accountable for my actions. I know I caused pain to my H (who himself had cheated on me) and my children. I had a face to face meeting with my BF wife and apologized for the pain I caused her and her children. When we are healthy individuals we attract healthy people in our lives (need I say more). But it isnt what I want for myself in the future. I want values I can be proud of. I know I need to be alone, and I am not afraid of finding another man. I know I can support myself and my 3 kids and raise them, while running my own business. I want to be healthy emotionally. You cannot change what you don't acknowledge, and I was just wishing that for all the effort I have put into this relationship- could it survive?
bendit Posted October 29, 2005 Posted October 29, 2005 that depends. Is this guy WORTHY and capable of being a partner who has his act together and won't hurt you the kids or HIMSELF any more? Has he changed? Is he interested in change? Is he capable of change? It sounds to me like he is simply interested in repeating the tragic mistakes of the past and you are ready to own up to them and change and learn and grow. You should only accept someone into your life that is MATURE and ready to be the kind of person you aim to be. If he isn't, don't spend one more second wondering if this mess is salvageable. Because forging a working relationship is hard enough even when two Mature people are on the same page. Its Already a huge challenge. When one or both parties are doing things to MUCK up life, then there is Zero chance for relationship success. My hunch is there is someone else out there who is going to be a better match for the new improved you. Be strong and find that person when the time is right. regards
westernxer Posted October 29, 2005 Posted October 29, 2005 You cannot change what you don't acknowledge, and I was just wishing that for all the effort I have put into this relationship- could it survive? Your relationship sounds like a nightmare... why would you want it to survive? Until this last sentence, you were making some really good points.
Author lifestyle1 Posted October 29, 2005 Author Posted October 29, 2005 Aww jeez. Yea common sense says maybe, one day, I will meet that person who is worthy of me. but... Yea, I want to grow up. I want to be healthy, emtionally and otherwise. I kind of feel like, when I left my marriage, I was numb, I didnt know how to ask for what I wanted, and wasnt too interested in investing any more time with hubby. He was a good guy, but not my best choice. He is from Israel and never mastered the reading and writing skills needed to make it here, and so I caretaked for 15 years, because he couldnt do it for himself. I covered up nd masquereded his inabilities and for mny years we had a decent life, great kids and a beautiful home. But When I was ready to dis-engage from his needing me, I could not- He really did need me, just like a person on disability, and so I made a clean break and OH BOY the relief I felt at not having to do everything for HIM anymore was tremendous. But where it led me, was trying to make my next relationship WORK. You see before, I did not know how to ask for what I need. I do now. Before I never spoke up if I was overwhelmed, felt like I was treated unfair, Now I do. If I was unhappy, I moped or got depressed, now I take action. And it is for that reason, that I wondered if my relationship was salvageable. He admits he needs to mature, he admits, we should not live together to give us time to heal old wounds. he too wants to change and knows that only he is responsible. He feels remorse for his behavior.
Tiny Posted October 29, 2005 Posted October 29, 2005 In this life, you REAP what you SOW. Don't mean to be flip but both of your actions as adulterers produced a lot of pain for people, and as you see, there was never ANY guarantee that the grass would be Greener. You married an adulterer and so did he. Unless you or he corrected that deep character flaw, then either of you could do it AGAIN. All I can say is start to consider how your actions, your behaviour, is going to effect you and the people around you. It really is that simple. To make this as clear as possible, Start behaving correctly and you will get better results. If it were me, I would exit this relationship permanently, and learn from the many mistakes that I made. I would then try to learn how to be happy and fulfilled by myself yes ALONE, without a man around. People don't do this because its HARD so they get needy and accept rotten people into their lives. Only at that point would I contemplate finding and slowly nurturing another relationship with an AVAILABLE man. regards ps: see my sig I couldn't have phrased it better myself. Well put Bendit.
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