JS17 Posted October 29, 2005 Posted October 29, 2005 I came here earlier in the year to help me get over a bad breakup...which I still don't know what happened. I've been trying do deal with a lot of issues this year and I'm still struggling. I went back to read a bunch of my old posts to find out that a few of the issues that I'm struggling with I posted about quite a while ago. So far I think I have three that keep coming up...learning to Trust again, a newfound fear of Vulnerability & Attachment (which only came up in my life post-ex #1), and Jealousy over his happiness in his relationship (as well as a few friends that like to throw their relationships in my face). None are good, none are healthy but no matter how much I learn or try they don't go away. I guess my question to everyone is do you find the same issues coming up over and over again in your life? For the ones that came only after a traumatic event, do they go away...and if so what makes them go away (time, working at it, etc)?
JadeStar Posted October 29, 2005 Posted October 29, 2005 I still find myself struggling with some of the same issues I have before as well. I think for me though, it has to do with the fact that I still harbor resentment for things. I think thats one reason I still struggle. Resentment for me or anybody really is not a good thing. I think it hinders me from moving forward with things. I need to learn to let go of a few things. I need to learn to accept things sometimes which I have a hard time doing. I think once I learn to let go and get rid of the resentment I might begin to heal some, and then maybe I wont struggle so much with things still. Not sure if its like that for you, just saying it is for me and I can relate. Jade
RecordProducer Posted October 29, 2005 Posted October 29, 2005 I guess my question to everyone is do you find the same issues coming up over and over again in your life? No. I don't repeat my mistakes, new problems come with changes in my life. For the ones that came only after a traumatic event, do they go away...and if so what makes them go away (time, working at it, etc)? Well you do everything to not repeat the mistake, you're extra careful so you know how to prevent the "evil." It always hurts the most the first time. After that you're vaccinated. But on the other hand, your soul is exhausted from the suffering so little pain can disturb you. Don't worry so much. When you meet the right person, you'll be cured. All the analysis is just BS. I thought all men were a**h***s until I met my ex-BF. He brought my self-esteem and confidence back. Then I was disappointed in him, but he didn't destoy what he re-built. I was stronger and ready to conquer new territories. Then I met my current BF and he is the LOML.
slubberdegullion Posted October 29, 2005 Posted October 29, 2005 No. I don't repeat my mistakes, new problems come with changes in my life. RP; You've NEVER repeated a mistake? If so, then you're the first. That's not a jab, by the way, it just makes me wonder a wee bit... but I digress... For the ones that came only after a traumatic event, do they go away...and if so what makes them go away (time, working at it, etc)? It depends on the event and one's personal characteristics. Some people - like myself - tend to replay negative events in their minds over and over and over again, so they're effectively re-living the event repeatedly. Now, what you and I may define as a traumatic event could be entirely different. I don't consider any relationship breakup as particularly traumatic. IMHO, I reserve the definition for a circumstance which creates anguish far beyond the limited role of a lost love. I'm not suggesting that losing a partner isn't difficult; it most certainly is. But in comparison to other events that one may have the misfortune to suffer - death of a child, a witness to some horrific accident, murder of a family member - it doesn't even budge the scale.
Author JS17 Posted October 29, 2005 Author Posted October 29, 2005 Thanks all for your responses. I do think that I harbor resentment and anger and that's what feeds my jealousy but it's hard to be alone when everyone around you is happy with someone and some are even throwing it in your face purposely. I know it's wrong to feel this way but I do. I think that of all of the issues that I have going on right now this is the one that will go away with time especially once I get my life back after giving it up for someone. That is a mistake I will never make again. There's a difference between having an issue that is not resolved and repeating mistakes. They all say that everything will go away when you meet the right person but I have little faith that that will happen. I have SA which makes the loss of a loved one (friend, family, or boyfriend) a traumatic event for me. I've witnessed several horrific events and even been in a terrorist attack and walked away fine emotionally after a day or two. I think that just because something isn't traumatic to one person doesn't mean that it is also not traumatic to someone else. (but that's kind of off topic) I tend to relive negative events in my mind which I've been working on. I'm trying to stop doing that and live in the present but old habits die hard. They're a part of you though and their effects don't go away just because you stop consciously thinking about them.
RecordProducer Posted October 29, 2005 Posted October 29, 2005 RP; You've NEVER repeated a mistake? If so, then you're the first. Well I've only had 4 relationships (the rest were insignificant and not quite relationships) and each time I was making different mistakes, but less and less. I do learn from my mistakes and I see a huge progress in my love life and improvement of emotional "wisdom."
JohnJohn Posted October 29, 2005 Posted October 29, 2005 Well I've only had 4 relationships (the rest were insignificant and not quite relationships) and each time I was making different mistakes, but less and less. I do learn from my mistakes and I see a huge progress in my love life and improvement of emotional "wisdom." You have had only four relationships but previously you labeled all men as a-holes? There's good and bad in everyone but to label a whole gender after a few experiences is not very, shall we say, "wisdom" like. And shouldn't your self-esteem and confidence come back because of you and not because of an ex-boyfriend? To me those kinds of changes come from within, not from another person. Glad to see you've made improvement though.
whichwayisup Posted October 30, 2005 Posted October 30, 2005 It's also changing your way of thinking and behaving. Take control of your mind. Our thoughts are very powerful and if you give into them, in a negative way, they do ALOT of damage. If you want to be over this 100%, convince yourself of it. Write yourself notes around the house, positive sayings and make yourself believe in it! It sounds stupid but it does work. I've used this type of exercise to help me with my anxiety attacks and low moments - When I feel yuk I seek a note I left on the mirror (Yes, my husband see's it too, and adds silly s*** to it to make me laugh) and read it...It helps me feel better and gives me a boost. SO, with that in mind - Realize too, that the past is in the past - What trust issues you have is with a particular person - Not the "new" person infront of you or one that has potiental. It is hard to open up again, allow your heart to feel and just be. Hang in there, I know you can work past this. (Plus, a year isn't that long so don't beat up on yourself.)
RecordProducer Posted October 30, 2005 Posted October 30, 2005 You have had only four relationships but previously you labeled all men as a-holes? There's good and bad in everyone but to label a whole gender after a few experiences is not very, shall we say, "wisdom" like. And shouldn't your self-esteem and confidence come back because of you and not because of an ex-boyfriend? To me those kinds of changes come from within, not from another person. Glad to see you've made improvement though. I was molested as a child... My first BF used me for sex for two years while I was still a minor then wanted to marry me for financial motives (to work for the step-father who molested me and he knew it). Then I got married and my ex-husband left me right after I bore our twin babies... Everybody else I met used me for sex or was an a**h*** in one way or another... What was I supposed to believe in? Then I met my ex-BF (at age 28) and realized that good men do exist in this world. And then I met my current BF who is a really wonderful person.
Author JS17 Posted October 30, 2005 Author Posted October 30, 2005 Thanks WWIU. I know you've talked about CBT in the past. I've tried my own version of "positive thinking" since I'm not educated on it and it doesn't seem to work. When I was with one of the guys after my ex I kept telling myself to trust him and that he wasn't my ex and there was little chance that he would do the same thing. Then he told me about being in a hot tub with a girl (didn't tell me whether anything physical happened or not) and all the positive thinking flew out the window. I became insecure in the relationship and that thought was in the back of my head for the rest of the time that we were together. So my positive thinking didn't work when faced with real conflict. (Trust issue...not solved) I tell myself that my ex will s*** on his gf just like he did to me but it still hurts. I can think it but I don't feel it. I know my friend who throws her relationships in my face has serious problems and every guy will not stick but it still hurts when she's jumping him in front of all of us or when she brags about how many guys asked her out that week. My brain and my heart rarely talk to each other, it's a big problem in my life. (Jealousy problem...not solved) My AvPD has kept me from being vulnerable with people for most of my life. I have done that with very few people in my life. I did that with my ex and he opened me up to do so with others but when the relationship ended I kept trying but failed with every relationship since. I'm not sure it's something I'll ever figure out. I will try to find out more about CBT since you seem to have had so much success with it. Maybe it can help me in these areas. Thanks for your response.
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