HurtingFather Posted October 29, 2005 Posted October 29, 2005 This may be long but I'll do my best to explain - About 2 years ago I left my wife of 5 years. If you need to know details let me know. Shortly after I got together with another woman. We have an age difference of 7 years (she's younger) I had been living with my parents and she moved in with me and has been a great mother to my children. We have had a great relationship. We were engaged a year ago. I was working and she wanted me to quit and stay at home and go back to college which I did after some reluctance, that was back in January. Through the time she has been faithful, and me to her, and we have had normal problems. In fact there were times when I told her to leave me because I felt she could do better and she told me time and time again that would never give up on me, she loved me that much. I don't think any woman who didn't have a deep love would have put up with our situation. We talked about kids and she finally decided she wanted one but we decided to wait till we had a place of our own. In June we got pregnant and we were happy and then in July she had a miscarriage. Something I regret is the fact that on the night of the miscarriage she woke me up to tell me she was going to the hospital but not to worry. 6 hours later she comes home and tells me she felt every part of the baby come out. I still have a hard time forgiving myself for not being there even though we have talked about this, she did forgive me and said it wasn't my fault. Half way through August was a turning point. We had a fight and it almost led to a breakup but we worked things out. We had talked about the baby and I said if she wanted a baby I would do everything I could to make it happen. We got pregnant again in the end of August and things seemed great. But slowly she started turning away from me after the second week. It started with little arguements every other day but we work things out by the end of the day. But then it turned from not wanting to have sex to not wanting to be touched. Then at the beginning of the month she took off for moms house. She finally returned home after 3 days and we had a talk and she understood where I was coming from. I did everything I could to take care of her. I did the housework, I waited on her day and night, I wanted to be a true man for her during a difficult pregnancy. And btw there are concerns that she could lose this one. Last week she left again to her moms house without saying why. I didn't get an answer till this past week. She told me finally my dads smoking was the cause and she would never return to my parents house ever again. She wants her own place, she told me she doesn't really like being with her mom but she can stand that better then my parents place. I know what I have to do, I have been putting in applications all week and doing my best to keep the communitcation lines open. I write her letters and even got her a flower this week but I'm at a lost if I'm doing the best I can. I deeply deelpy care for her and have had very hard anxiety attacks over the situation. I'm getting better but this is hard. My kids love her and want her back but this feels like a seperation. She tells me I'm not going to lose her and that she still loves me but this hurts. I know some of the problems like her getting mad at me and giving me the cold shoulder are hormonal but I see she still loves me. I've been told things should get better during the second trimester. The advice I've been given is to get the job and apartment and keep the communication there and show her I love her, but what is the best way to do this so I don't annoy her? And I worry in the back of my mind that the longer she is away the more she will want it to stay that way. Any advice would be appreciated.
seahorse Posted October 29, 2005 Posted October 29, 2005 Hmmm, difficult. I know this isn't your fault, but I feel we're only getting half the story here and that there is a whole lot from your partner's side that we don't know about that makes a difference. Your father's smoking - I can understand this completely. I don't smoke, and couldn't abide living in the same house as someone who did...and especially if I was pregnant, when all nasty smells seem to be 100% worse than normal, and everything makes you feel sick. If this is her excuse, accept it as a real one, and added to all the other hormone fuelled rollercoasters that pregnancy incurs it can be enough to cause real problems in a relationship. Yep, you need to get your own apartment for sure. She won't be happy about you coming out of college and getting a job, but how else do you afford the apartment?? All you CAN do is what you've already been advised. Keep talking to her, show her what you're prepared to do to keep the relationship going and keep her convinced of your love. Find that apartment and get it ready for her and the baby. One other thing - ask her to be completely honest with you - if she really DOES feel your relationship is over, all hormones aside, make her tell you the truth about that.
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