d.s. Posted October 29, 2005 Posted October 29, 2005 Hi, I will try to make a long story short. I met my highschool sweetheart about 7.5 years ago. She is definately an amazing person. About 3 years ago I had to move to a different city for my education. About 1 year ago, I fell for this other girl who was a Narcissist. This pretty much ruined my relationship with the GF. I did not physically cheat on her, but mentally I already had. It was really hard escaping this Narcissistic girl; I had to break off my relationship with my GF. I did lie to my GF at the beginning but I was completely honest about everything before we broke up. I was having an extremely difficult time trying to escape the Narcissistic girl, but I finally managed by realizing that I could never win. I will always be grateful to this forum for all the help and guidance! I have been talking to my GF almost everyday although we broke it off. Note however that I haven't gone back to see her. (Remember I moved to a different city to study). Before we broke it off, I used to see her almost every weekend. I made sure we broke up in person so we would have some closure (7.5 years ). The problem I am currently facing is this: My GF still wants to be with me after everything that has happened. I think we always had trust issues because it was always "just me and her". We never really put our relationship to the test. She had a boyfriend before, and she only mentioned that he cheated on her until recently. I didn't know that was what happened with her last bf- I guess she never really wanted to talk about it. I understand that I found it hard to trust her because I am the "jealous" boyfriend type and she finds it hard to trust me because either she is the "jealous" girlfriend type- or because of her past experience. Remember she was my first GF. I really love her, I've been through a lot with her but I am not sure if getting back with her is the best decision. I told her that I needed time because I am afraid. I am afraid that I would never be open with her again because I would feel like I owed her for all that I put her through. I am afraid I would just never tell her how I felt and try to make her happy all the time. I am afraid I would just be "dead" inside and would go into a severe depression. Her response was that I should not feel that way - I don't feel like her response was helpful in any way. I asked her to give me time. I just needed to clear my head and that I don't know how long it would take. She seems to be pressuring me a lot lately. I also noticed that she is distancing out a lot since she keeps asking me to come see her and I always say no. I am sooo afraid to lose her, but I know I am not ready to get back in this relationship. I don't know if I ever will be- I just know I love her so much. Another problem is that she seems to be hanging around my sister a lot lately which makes things really difficult for me. I don't feel like I am the same person without her though; we complete each other Any advice or comments? Should I get back with her? Should I not? Thanks, d.s.
JohnJohn Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 It sounds to me like you are still not ready and she is pressuring you a little too much. When she said "you should not feel that way" - to me that says she isn't very understanding of your feelings. I broke up with a Narcissist not long ago myself. Read some threads on that if that will help. Do you think that has anything to do with it? I just wondered as you made a point ot it. I know how hard it is to escape from a Narcissist. They seem to haunt you for a long time after even long after they are out of physical sight. If it's not that then what is your problem with the depression? Have you thought of seeing a counselor?
Author d.s. Posted November 3, 2005 Author Posted November 3, 2005 First I would like to thank you for your reply! I read through several of your threads. I find that I am experiencing some of the same struggles you faced: I have had no real closure. I still wonder still how she is doing etc.. ; I can really relate to the statement that even a short term relationship with a Narcissist is extremely emotionally challenging because we have put our whole heart and soul in the relationship. I guess that is why I was more bothered about the Narcissistic girl rather than the GF I was with for 7 years. I read another interesting thread in which you stated that maybe it is a better idea to take the time to improve ourselves before entering into another relationship. I feel that I need to improve myself in general because I still blame myself for getting myself involved in all this mess. Maybe that is what is making me reluctant to go back to such a beautiful GF. Although I still feel the same way as I stated earlier. I feel like I would owe her the world for what I did- I feel like if she did anything wrong to me, I would not say anything and would just die inside. (i.e. but it is only the way I perceive things may be --- any though about why I would think that way??? Is it normal???) Have I considered seeing a counselor? I have considered the thought many times; it is actually free since I am still in University. I just feel really embarassed to see a counselor. I feel like I should be capable of managing my own problems; although I know that I cannot. I am emotionally and physologically scarred for life. Sometimes I feel like talking about it helps, and sometimes I feel otherwise. Thanks again for your input! d.s.
J dub Posted November 3, 2005 Posted November 3, 2005 I gotta tell ya, the only circumstance that I have witnessed where a high school sweetheart relationship actually worked (and turned to marriage without resulting in a quick following divorce) was when the two had ample time to get to know other people before they got back together. Anotherwords, they spents years apart before trying again. You dont sound like youre ready for what she is asking for anyhow, but I just thought I would throw that in there. There's always the future, no need to rush.
Author d.s. Posted November 3, 2005 Author Posted November 3, 2005 Hi J Dub, Thank you for your post. The reason I am afraid that I would keep everything inside is because I know even if I was unhappy I would hide it; that is why I have that hesitation. This probably stems from the fact that I am culturally different-in the sense that I don't believe in divorce. I just foresee myself in a position in which I don't want to be put in. That thought scares me. I just got out of a serious long term relationship and ended another so called relationship with a Narcissist. Sometimes I am afraid to move on because I feel like no one would ever match up to my highschool sweetheart. Your idea about meeting other people sounds like a good idea to me, however, I know that I am afraid to make that leap. As I've stated earlier, I still speak to my highschool sweetheart everyday. I know for a fact that she isn't ready to start dating other people. I would completely break her heart if I were to make that leap now. Do you see the dilema I am in? I feel like no matter how hard I try, I will always fall short regardless of the decisions I make. I also have this fear that any girl I meet would have to meet my expectations .. (ie how I felt about the highschool sweetheart) .. which may be extremely difficult. I feel like I would always blame myself if I never found anyone better (i.e. if I lost my highschool sweetheart in the process), but at the same time I feel like I am "stringing" her along. Anything thoughts? Thanks again for your input! d.s.
JohnJohn Posted November 3, 2005 Posted November 3, 2005 I am emotionally and physologically scarred for life. I know how you feel now but this will pass in time. It seems like gloom and doom now but you will get past this. I know it's easier said than done and I remind myself of this all the time. Perhaps what you should do now is not even think of entertaining any kind of relationship and just focus on yourself. Learn to love yourself and take the time to heal and grieve. When you face it head on and accept it then you heal faster. Focus on yourself and down the road when you are ready then the right relationship will find you. Hope this helps and best of luck.
blackendangel13 Posted November 3, 2005 Posted November 3, 2005 I definately think that you need to take some time off. In my opinion, if you went back to her now, it would end badly. Maybe not at first but you would feel trapped after awhile. Not to mention, going into any relationship with doubts will most likely end it sooner or later. I was with a narcissist for a year and a half. It absolutely destroyed me inside. Then 4 months after the break-up I got into another relationship. It didn't end badly but I was in no way ready for it and it did end. I needed to take some time to fix myself but I didn't. I have been away from the second ex for 5 months now and I have done a lot to improve myself. I have developed a good friend base and gotten back into school because its something I love and something that makes me feel good about myself. I want the second ex back, but that is because I am ready for it now and have spent a lot of time alone to think clearly about what I want. You need to take some time and be alone. It will not do you or anyone else down the road any good if you don't discover yourself and realize your self-worth. I know you love this girl, but she isn't your responsibility. She obviously forgave you for leaving her for the narcissist, she will forgive you for wanting to fix your life. But, not to sound mean, her feelings should not be your number one concern. No one wants to hurt people, but there has to be a point where you learn to love yourself more than anyone else. If you don't truly love yourself, no one else will truly love you or so I am told. Basically what I am saying is you need to take some time off from her in general. Tell her you love her but you need to not talk to her everyday for a little while so you can decide what you want. If she loves you she will understand. As long as she is such an active part in your life you won't be able to figure out how you feel. Its all about the absence making the heart grow fonder. I didn't realize I wanted my ex back until he was gone. If we had continued to talk daily I am sure I wouldn't have realized it. Just take some time for you.
Author d.s. Posted November 3, 2005 Author Posted November 3, 2005 Thank you JohnJohn and Blackendangel13 for you replies. I think I will take your advice and try to diminish communication with my x-GF. I think you guys are right in that I need time for myslef. I need to improve several aspects of my life and learn to love and respect myself more. I don't think I can do NC with the x-GF but I will at least try to talk to her less every day etc... and gradually slow it down. I am not really sure how to go about reducing the amount of communication with her instantly. I know she will be hurt/upset if: 1-I don't answer the phone. 2-I tell her that we should talk less 3-tell her I need space (I've been saying this for a long time) What do you guys think is the best way to tell someone you love that you need space? As you stated earlier, it is easy to just tell yourself you don't care about a person, but actually being able to go about it with actions is harder You are right about the fact that if she forgave me for the fact that I left for the Narcissist that maybe she would forgive me for wanting space. I didn't even think that she could forgive me for such a thing-I honestly know that I would not be able to forgive her if the situation was reversed. I just always tried to put myself in her shoes- what if she did find it in her heart to forgive me--- how much can she take of this??? You get what I mean?? Any thoughts? d.s.
blackendangel13 Posted November 3, 2005 Posted November 3, 2005 You need to make yourself less available to her by filling up your schedule. Take up some hobbies. Go to the gym, take a class in something, join a bowling league, whatever you like to do. This will kill two birds with one stone! You are taking time for you and also making less time for her to be calling. Then when you do have to call her back just have your short conversation and say you are tired and will talk to her later. She will eventually fill up her schedule too (hopefully). This will decrease the constant contact.
Author d.s. Posted November 3, 2005 Author Posted November 3, 2005 Hi Blackendangel13, WOW, that is just an incredible idea! I will do just that. I was going to the gym pretty often but I slowly stopped after getting myself entangled in this whole mess. You are right, getting hobbies will definately give me legitimate reasons for not having time to talk to her. It will also alleviate all the stress that I enduring. Thanks a ton!! It sounds so simple but when my brain is friend I don't seem to be able to think properly. Thanks again d.s.
JohnJohn Posted November 3, 2005 Posted November 3, 2005 Take up some hobbies. Go to the gym, take a class in something, join a bowling league, whatever you like to do. This will kill two birds with one stone! Yes this is excellent advice. I had trouble hitting the gym at first as well but am not hitting it with a vengeance. I've always wanted to learn to play guitar as well and am in the process of finding out where to take lessons. You'll be fine in time. Come back better than you were before.
J dub Posted November 4, 2005 Posted November 4, 2005 I know you are looking out for her feelings, but sometimes you need to be the bigger person and recognize that she is old enough now to take care of herself and its not up to you to walk on eggshells for her. You deserve to live your life as you want and feel fit, without something holding you down (which she is). I know you love her and want to do whatever you can to help, but in this case you would be better off letting go of her for both of your best interest. She may be hurt if you dont return phone calls, etc etc...but really? It's time to move on, time to change, and with change comes new opportunities. She'll see with time that it was a blessing in disguise, and you'll reap the benefits of feeling free again. There is always the opportunity in the future to meet up and try again but right now you both need to sow some of those oats...you just cant get married without dating a little bit. You actually learn more about yourself than anything else by getting out there and meeting others.
Author d.s. Posted November 4, 2005 Author Posted November 4, 2005 Hi J dub! Thanks for your reply once again I agree with what you say. She is old enough to take care of herself- but I think I possess a "caring" personality. I do see the bigger picture in which you say I can better myself by entering the real world. I am hoping that if I adopt the strategy of always being busy that my sweetheart my slowly slip away. I was thinking a lot last night; I am afraid that this strategy is more beneficial to me-making it easier for me to slowly slip away. In the end, this might make it harder for her because it will take so much time before we both finally move on. If I was really thinking of her, maybe I should just break it off one shot - but would that ruin the possibility of getting back together in the future if we both don't find someone better? I think I over-analyze things too much!!! Unfortunately my brain tends to analyze every possible scenario conceivable! Am I the only one doing this? I wish I could just let things flow.... Any thoughts? d.s.
J dub Posted November 5, 2005 Posted November 5, 2005 >She is old enough to take care of herself- but I think I possess a "caring" personality. Nothin wrong with that as long as you recognize who is priority here. >If I was really thinking of her, maybe I should just break it off one shot I agree >but would that ruin the possibility of getting back together in the future if we both don't find someone better? No way! Just because you broke it off for right now isnt like severing all ties. You didnt decieve her or the other way around, there was no lying or accusations...youre on good terms, time to drop the thing while its hot. >I think I over-analyze things too much!!! Very possible >Am I the only one doing this? I wish I could just let things flow.... No...but the real successors in life are the ones who don't bother with so much analyzing and they simply act, then if they find that it was a mistake they learn for next time. The ones who sit around mapping out each detail and situation are the ones who end up waking up and realizing their whole life has passed them by and they never bothered to just go with the flow. Youre being considerate of her feelings which is good. But...there is a thin red line here and the clock is ticking. She may think you are leading her on if you dont act.
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