jen78nc Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 Hi all. Well, I talked with my husband today and just told him that I would like it if he would stop talking to his "friend." He says that its mean for me to ask him to do that. And that they have been friends for a long time. I told him its mean for him to keep talking to her when he knows how much it bothers me. Anyway He says they are just friends and that Im being paranoid. Knowing what I know, I know that im not paranoid at all. Anyway These are the normal things he says. I told him that I really think that him talking to her is having a bad effect on me and on our marriage. It is the reason why I am so paranoid and suspicious all the time. So I asked him if he would be willing to stop talking to her and the most I could get is "well see" which doesnt mean much to me.. Then he just ends up changing the subject. I also told him that I would like to know what is missing from our marriage that he has the need to have such a close friendship with her? Of course I didnt really get an answer to that. Anyway, I really dont know how to get him to take me seriously, unless I just decide to leave. I dont want it to come to that though. It would at least be nice if there was a way to get him to be open and honest with me. Well, thanks everyone for listening!
glittergurl Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 Jen, kick him out or do something a bit more radical. If you leave, take your child(ren) with you, because if you leave alone (even if you're only planning on being gone for a few days), he could use it against you if there's a divorce and say that you left and abandonned your child(ren); which could turn into a gigantic mess. I don't know, I'd freak out. He's being so cold and selfish!! I get the feeling a lot of people here are going to suggest councelling But I think Mr. a**h*** needs to see that his actions have negative effects.
portableversion Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 You 'husband' sounds emotionally retarded, dull and immature. If he can't have a mature discussion about this, why would you want to married to someone like that? Drop him. I'm sure you'll come back with a mouse-like squeak "but but but I LOVE HIM??!!"
Art_Critic Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 Jen, kick him out or do something a bit more radical. If you leave, take your child(ren) with you, because if you leave alone (even if you're only planning on being gone for a few days), he could use it against you if there's a divorce and say that you left and abandonned your child(ren); which could turn into a gigantic mess. I don't know, I'd freak out. He's being so cold and selfish!! I get the feeling a lot of people here are going to suggest councelling But I think Mr. a**h*** needs to see that his actions have negative effects. How can you advise her to kick her hubby out and divorce him over this ??? The cure in your advice would be worse than the disease. Jen.. You need to get your hubby into some sort of marital counseling.. You 2 are not communicating and this most likely isn't the only thing that you 2 are not seeing eye to eye on.
JadeStar Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 WOW I really don't know what to say, and hopefully some others will be able to help you, but basically he is dismissing your feelings about his 'friend", which says to me right now he is more concerned about losing his friendship with her than his marriage. His priorities are way out of order. Sounds like hes not willing to budge right now where this friendship thing is concerned with this OW. I don't remember what your orginal post said about how long you all had been married, but you did say he has been friends with this woman for a few years now, was that before you all got married, or after you got married that he became friends with her? I was just wondering,and I'm sorry you're going through this. Jade
Author jen78nc Posted October 28, 2005 Author Posted October 28, 2005 Thanks all. Jadestar, weve been married 7 years now and they have known each other a little longer than that.....
Mz. Pixie Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 That's a typical tactic a cheater will try when you're getting suspicious. You should INSIST on it. Don't take no for a answer. If he will not quit talking to her rather than lose you, you have your answer.
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 I think the hardest thing is not that you want him to stop talking to this woman, but that you want him to consciously WANT to stop talking to her. I don't see that happening. I expect if he does stop talking to her, it will be only for your benefit - but it will build resentment, because it doesn't look to me like he wants her out of his life. Have you discussed going to marriage counseling with him? Maybe if you two were talking through an objective third party, you would both be better able to say the things that you really want to say to each other, and be more or less in a position where you not only have to hear them, you have to listen to them as well.
JadeStar Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 Thanks all. Jadestar, weve been married 7 years now and they have known each other a little longer than that..... I understand he was friends then before you all got married, but seems to me after you got married he would have put that friendship with her way on the back burner. Like I said earlier, it doesn't seem he is willing to give that up for his marraige, and like LB said, even if he does it would probably be for the wrong reasons and then he would harbor alot of resentment. I agree about maybe seeking some marriage counseling. Jade
Owl Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 OK, this IS standard cheater tactics. My wife said almost exactly the same thing when I asked her to stop spending all her time IMing someone we both knew from playing online games. Two thoughts for you. One, understand that you're NOT wrong here. NO friendship of ANY kind should EVER take precedence over a spouse. He knows this, but he's not willing to admit it because he's involved in an emotional affair with her. He's investing himself emotionally with her (and her with him) when he SHOULD be doing that with you. You MIGHT try letting him know what I just said...that NO friendship should ever be more important than the marriage. But don't expect it to work. He won't admit to being wrong at this point. The other thought is that you're going to have to get PROOF that this is more than just a friendship. And you're going to have to confront him with that proof, and even be prepared to share that proof with ALL of your family, his family, friends, anyone who would not approve of what he's doing and would put pressure on him to end his EA (emotional affair). He's going to continue to deny that there is anything inappropriate in his R with OW until you hit him with PROOF. So, let's talk about getting that proof. If he's stepping out of the room to take calls, you might consider purchasing a decent voice-activated recorder and placing it in the areas that you know he usually goes to when he's talking with her. Could be his car (when he's driving to and from work), a room in the house, whatever. YOu need to place in a place where it's likely to get clear sound, but obviously in a spot where he's not going to spot it. If he uses the home computer you can put something called a 'keylogger' on it to allow you to capture his emails, IM's, etc... You need to use something like this to find out his email/IM logins and passwords so that you can access his emails and IM's. If you already know or can guess these, then go ahead and log into them and take a look at what he's sending/getting from OW. You can print these out, send them to yourself, or even find ways to copy them to a location on the computer. These are some initial ideas on ways that you can figure out what's happening.
Lonestar Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 Your husband is not going to take this seriously until he gets a taste of his own medicine. You can tell him how much it bothers you until you choke, but he'll still keep being her friend. I've always been one for turning the tables. Go renew an old friendship you had with a male or find someone new. Could be a guy at work, church, wherever you go. Got a brother? Start talking regularly to one of his friends. If your husband can have "friends" of the opposite sex, so can you. And don't fall for the BS you'll hear that he's known her for a long time and your new friendship is different. That's crap. I'm guessing you would never do anything like this because you will feel it will hurt your hubby, and you don't believe in that. All I can say is to stop being a doormat and let him know how it feels by your actions, not words. If he's not concerned with your feelings, why the heck should you be concerned with his? Of course don't tell him that. Play innocent and confused through the whole thing.
Lonestar Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 And yes, spy on him like Owl said. Don't let anyone make a fool out of you with lies.
Mz. Pixie Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 If I'm not mistaken she already has the proof- she had e mails where he said he lies in bed thinking about her at night. If this isn't proof I'm not sure what else we need....... Jen- are you afraid to truly confront him with this knowledge and tell him that if he wants to make the marriage work he has to stop all contact with her and go to counseling??
Trimmer Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 Jen: He's either still not getting how serious a problem you feel this is, or he is getting it and it doesn't matter to him. If you're to fix and strengthen the marriage, let's hope it's the former. Assuming that, I don't come up with a lot more options other than: (1) go to counseling yourself: it is a positive action you can take for yourself without needing his approval or cooperation, which will help you with your strength and self-assurance. Also, knowing that you are taking this action might well shake him up; (2) Take the kid(s) and leave. (3) Suggest that he leave unless he'll go no-contact and join you in marriage counseling. One of the first questions I was asked in counseling, after initially telling my tale was: how would you describe the power balance within your marriage? Maybe give us a little info on this - it may not change your option list, but it may help you choose one, or help determine the best way to go about a particular one... (e.g. if you have difficulty standing up to him, then leaving or going to couseling yourself might have better chances of happening than suggesting he leave...) (All due respect to Lonestar, I understand the anger, but I'm not a fan of revenge affairs, whether real or fabricated. Adding confusion, deceit, and emotional turmoil to the situation - as well as the possibile danger of exposing yourself to temptation right when you are vulnerable, confused, and angry - just doesn't seem like a good idea to me. Also, given his current insensitivity, don't you think it possible or likely that this would just validate his position in his mind? "Well heck, what's she complaining about? If she can do it, then so can I..." I can't imagine this having a positive outcome for anyone involved... YMMV... )
a4a Posted October 29, 2005 Posted October 29, 2005 Boy would I be curious about what the OWs Husband has to say about this ordeal? (if I remember correct OW is married?) I would start to compile some serious evidence......keep copies at a trusted friends house.....keep it in case you need it! Ask why OW who is dear friend never chats with you on the phone. Friends are usually at least chat with a spouse or ask about a spouse. Say hey tell your wife I said hello! ........ Keep your end of things clean.....Art was right! do not write letters or such....but start compiling evidence about this affair just in case you need it. Try to get help but keep plan B on the back burner just in case he continues to be the JERK that he is being now! INCONSIDERATE $$^$&^^! a4a
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