trickynj99 Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 won't go through all the brain damage posted on other threads i am slooooowly coming to the point of no return....she loves me, but not "In love" with me,...i've checked alot of ways she is not cheating.. i have done some things that made her not trust me(think addictive behavior) and i've come totally clean to her (march of this year) in an attempt to rebuild what we had..she feels i neglected her and she's right we are very "nice" to each other, don't fight, but there is no "us" and no loving in our life..i keep "asking" for her to go to counseling or to do anything to help resolve our situation,,but to no effect she is immovable and miserable and i am starting to lose it..do nothing is becoming a less viable option because of how emotionally raw i am becoming..we've talked about not being together but i don't think she takes it seriously and seems to be ok with this life(even tho she is hurt, angry and unhappy...she is in a nice house with a nice happy family if you look at it from the outside) it is clear that i need to finally step up, stop being such a wimp and let her know that i am serious about making a change in my life...i want it to be with her, and i want to be happy, but i know it may be without her that means either she takes steps to help us come together or we seperate.. i know her and beleive she will say buh-bye btw also have 2 kids, and $$ is not an issue...so we can do what we want as long as we are good to our kids i think that she will have a VERY hard time with the social aspects of this and it will be a huge wake-up call to her..i admit i am thinking a little bit like a manipulator and i understand it may harden her and put us on a road to divorce..which i really don't want..i just don't see any other way to get her make an effort.. the thing is every book i read..divorce buster, save your marraige...etc...points out how bad divorce is as an outcome...that divorcees generally say that they wished they had worked harder on their marriage, and that its not worth it in the end... .i am trying to get the guts up to finally make a bet on our marriage that i may lose,,,is there anybody out there who has made this bet????????? is divorce the end of the world???? had anybody had a loveless marriage, wanted the love back and had a seperation rekindle some of the flame??? just wondering...
slubberdegullion Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 the thing is every book i read..divorce buster, save your marraige...etc...points out how bad divorce is as an outcome...that divorcees generally say that they wished they had worked harder on their marriage, and that its not worth it in the end...Bulls***. Living in a loveless, distrustful marriage is a far worse fate than divorce. I can speak from bitter experience here. is divorce the end of the world????It's all how you perceive it. IMHO, divorce is not the end of something, it's the beginning of something. Yes, it's a big change and yes it can certainly be traumatic - especially to the wallet - but sometimes it's the only way to allow yourself (and your divorced partner) to move on and live a positive, productive life. had anybody had a loveless marriage, wanted the love back and had a seperation rekindle some of the flame???I've personally never seen it happen whereby a couple divorces and then re-marries and is successful. But that's only from my personal experience with friends & family; maybe it's more common than I think.
dgiirl Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 the thing is every book i read..divorce buster, save your marraige...etc...points out how bad divorce is as an outcome...that divorcees generally say that they wished they had worked harder on their marriage, and that its not worth it in the end... .i am trying to get the guts up to finally make a bet on our marriage that i may lose,,,is there anybody out there who has made this bet????????? is divorce the end of the world???? had anybody had a loveless marriage, wanted the love back and had a seperation rekindle some of the flame??? just wondering... The reason why they say divorce is the last resort, especially with kids, is because it doesnt solve a thing. Only makes things even MORE difficult to resolve. You think you have communication problems with your wife now? Do you think divorce is going to change that? How do you think it'll be better if you guys are living apart in different homes and trying to negoitiate a divorce and sharing time with your kids, and seeing other ppl? Divorce isnt the END of the world, but for a period of time it certainly feels like it. And it creates a lot of emotional baggage. It's extremely painful and doesnt fix anything in your relationship. You still fight the same issues you did before getting divorced, just now you have a whole bunch of resentment on top of the initial issues. I'm not saying you should put up with her behaviour, or live in a loveless marriage. But you asked why the books say it's a last resort, and that's why. Ppl want the pain to stop, they think divorce is the answer, and in reality it isnt. Have you gone to individual counselling? A therapist could help you figure out ways to communicate with your wife, and worse case scenario prepare YOU for the guilt and anger that divorce brings.
Author trickynj99 Posted October 28, 2005 Author Posted October 28, 2005 we've tried counseling.....she quit...in fact, she quit by blowing off 2 solo sessions...(we were going solo then together alternating) ...so here we are stuck in the grey area where we treat each other ok but i'm walking on eggshells and dont feel there is any way to get her off this notion that we can just stay in this mode because i am building up enormous resentment and anger dont get me wrong...i want to keep our marriage..i think we are different in that i dont beleive in the fairy tale, my goal is to figure out a way to be together and be as happy as possible..shejust keeps talking about how this isnt how she thought it would be ..she cant decide whether to forgive me and grow with me or whether she cant forgive me (then what??) i hear you that divorce doesnt "solve" anything....i'm hoping that by putting it all on the table i can force us to deal with the elephant in the room that this is not going well.... i;m just so afraid that maybe i should be more patient and that i'm going to far it paralyzes me and i guess i'm fishing for some feedback on how bad it's going to get if we seperate ... and i guess the answer is pretty bad
dgiirl Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 You dont have to answer this, but what did you do that needs forgiving? Why is she not able to forgive you? Does she feel that you are truely sorry for what you did? Does she believe that you'll never do it again? Does she trust that you truely GET why she's upset? Has she been able to discuss with you how she feels for whatever you did? Until she can know you understand how she feels and that you truely get it, she'll never be able to forgive you. You shouldnt be walking on eggshells hoping things will get better. Because they wont fix themselves. You both need to talk and listen to each other. However, are you still going to counselling? Just because one partner quits doesnt mean the other should. You can still get a lot of insight if you talk with a therapist and work together to save your marriage. Read The 5 love languages and see if there's something you can do to change the situation. Divorce should be your very last resort. When you can look at yourself in the mirror and know that you have tried every single thing you can possibly do to save this marriage and it still doesnt fix anything. This way, you can walk away with no guilt. It sounds like your wife is already checked out, but wants you to make the decision so she doesnt have to carry the guilt. She's being selfish.
Author trickynj99 Posted October 31, 2005 Author Posted October 31, 2005 after our 2nd kid was born.. i started taking paxil, had sexual performance and desire issues, our sex life faded away to zero (for years)...we cuddled, were playful, talked, lived life, raised our kids, etc... i was embarrassed by MY problem, and got into lots of porn on the internet, which explains the concept of yrs going by...SHE NEVER SAID ANYTHING ABOUT IT and i gained alot of weight and figured we had a sexless marriage that may change someday..one day she says, i dont love you anymore, i freak out, come totally clean about the internet and porn, quit paxil, lose 35lbs..(230---195lbs) just about do everything she asks...go to therapy, she quits, still nothing... we have had lots of discussions about her feelings about me and how she felt she was neglected and you'll have to believe me that i have totally acknowledged and bought into my responsibility in this, i know that i caused this situation...the TRICKY part (get it), is that she had a role in this too and she will not accept 1% of that fact. and its a fact!!!! BTW in our discussions, in our therapy, i dont go there, i dont try that line of thinking at all, which i think is whats causing me alot of built up anger and resentment..i have become the typical doormat i unfortunately agree that she has checked out, she is being selfish, she has literally ZERO coping skills and she wants me to be the bad guy, i am sllllooooowwwllllyyy getting ready to do that....so i keep posting and looking for the pearl of wisdom...it really helps that people post and makes me feel a little less alone in all this
dgiirl Posted October 31, 2005 Posted October 31, 2005 we have had lots of discussions about her feelings about me and how she felt she was neglected and you'll have to believe me that i have totally acknowledged and bought into my responsibility in this, i know that i caused this situation...the TRICKY part (get it), is that she had a role in this too and she will not accept 1% of that fact. and its a fact!!!! Oh, marital problems are never one sided. Even if it was completely your choice, she still made the choice to put up with it instead of seeking help. BTW in our discussions, in our therapy, i dont go there, i dont try that line of thinking at all, which i think is whats causing me alot of built up anger and resentment..i have become the typical doormat Yes, pointing blame is not going to fix anything. Are you going to IC? If so, you might tell the therapist your feelings and maybe she can advise you on the best way of handling this. i unfortunately agree that she has checked out, she is being selfish, she has literally ZERO coping skills and she wants me to be the bad guy, i am sllllooooowwwllllyyy getting ready to do that....so i keep posting and looking for the pearl of wisdom...it really helps that people post and makes me feel a little less alone in all this Are you just angry or do you want a divorce? Dont do anything out of anger. If you feel like doing something, give yourself some time, a day, a week before you actually act on it. Think logically about the results you expect from the action. Read read read. There's a lot of material on the internet. Divorce Busting, marriagebuilders.com, etc. It's not going to be easy to get your marriage back on track, but filing for a divorce is kind of going in the opposite direction, no?
Author trickynj99 Posted October 31, 2005 Author Posted October 31, 2005 i have spent over 100 bucks on saveyourmarraige.com, divorce busters, and helpful solutions to sexless marraige and ....you get the picture!!! i wonder if you are right , before I do something stupid i at least need "coaching"..i guess i must accept that i am very bad at meeting my wife's needs and maybe i can improve there and over time if she does not respond at least i am getting to be better at that part of me
dgiirl Posted October 31, 2005 Posted October 31, 2005 How can counselling hurt? Worse case scenario, it'll prepare you for the next relationship you have!
Recommended Posts