Such a fool, sex with ex

[cheesypeas]

I feel like such an idiot. I've been on a collision course all summer long. I've slept with two different ex's in the last six months. I was attacked a year ago and have had to take time off work to cope. My most recent ex is supporting me while I get better, however yesterday I had a dinner party and asked him to stay so that I could have a hug - indeed not a clever idea.

I ended up getting fairly sexual with him, it was mostly to hurt myself, I was using him to hurt myself, it's part of a bad self-hatred thing. But now I'm angry with him and feel like he ought to have seen through this and made a clearer decision. i was very drunk and emotional and couldn't sit down to dinner because i needed time to be on my own. The whole thing seems like such a blood y mess. I really don't know what to do, I don't want to hate my ex, but now a part of me does, i don't know if that's unfair or me, but he's admitted that he ought to have made a better decision, I guess it's because I feel like he knew I wasn't in a fit state to be doing something like that and that ultimately he was using me for sex. And no matter what he wan'ts to say about being better than that i knwo from experiences that even when a man claims to not want it or to have other drives, that they all ultimately will take a sexual encouncter whjen it's offered to them. i want to believe that there is more to men than this - but my experiences are not being favourable. Please help - should I be angry with him or am i using him to hurt me and then getting angry with him. he said he kept asking me if i was ok, and i said yes, but clearly i wasn't and he knows me well enough to know if I'm being 'distant' this is very tricky ground though and it's hard to be at all sexual with someone if you've have bad past experienecs because you don't communicate well.

 

Advice greatfully received. confused cp

[suegail]

He took advantage of the situation, and shouldn't have, but drunk or not, you were apparently not an unwilling partner. You've now made it clear to him that you feel it was a wrong thing to do and he has responded with some measure of regret, therefore I don't think you should choose to be angry with him about it.

 

I would say though if you do not want to ever be in situations such as this, don't drink. It sounds as if you're going through some hard times and depression and alcohol are a bad combination. Keep a clear head, as much as possible.

[lindya]

I feel like such an idiot. I've been on a collision course all summer long. I've slept with two different ex's in the last six months. I was attacked a year ago and have had to take time off work to cope.

 

You may well still be suffering the effects of PTSD. I'm not saying that you have no responsibility whatsoever for your actions in sleeping with your exes, but I would say that you need to forgiving of yourself for being a bit less rational right now than you might ordinarily be. People make incorrect judgements at the best of times, and from the sound of things you have been having far from the best of times lately.

 

My most recent ex is supporting me while I get better, however yesterday I had a dinner party and asked him to stay so that I could have a hug - indeed not a clever idea.

 

Not clever, perhaps, but entirely understanding. We're not robots. We have emotions, and sometimes those emotions cloud our judgement.

 

I ended up getting fairly sexual with him, it was mostly to hurt myself, I was using him to hurt myself, it's part of a bad self-hatred thing.

 

You won't be angry with yourself forever, and you won't hate yourself forever...provided you can make a concerted effort to start taking care of yourself even if you don't feel like it. That means doing all the self-pampering, self-care things that people will be advising you to do at a time like this. It may well feel like you're going through the motions for a long time. Sometimes it takes a while for your actions to start having an impact on your emotional well-being.

 

But now I'm angry with him and feel like he ought to have seen through this and made a clearer decision

 

For him, it's a no-win situation. Let's say he'd kindly explained to you that you're in trauma right now, and having sex would just make you feel worse about yourself. You might still have ended up feeling crap. Rejected. Unattractive. "Too damaged for anyone to risk sleeping with." I'm not saying for a minute that those feelings would have any basis in rationality, all I can say is that I've been in that situation with an ex where he did do the "right" thing by me....and that's how I ended up feeling. As I say - for him, it's just a no win thing.

 

.....Please help - should I be angry with him or am i using him to hurt me and then getting angry with him.

 

Nobody can dictate to you what you should or shouldn't be feeling right now. Neither can anyone accurately gauge what your motives were. It sounds as if you're confused about all sorts of things right now...so there's probably a hugely tangled web of drives, desires and emotions (positive and negative) that encouraged you into this situation.

 

It is possible, however, to advise you on the action you should be taking. I can totally understand the temptation to seek emotional support from an ex. If you're still close and neither of you are in another relationship, your ex will always seem the natural choice of people to turn to in crisis.... but it really isn't good for you. However well he knows you, however much mutual liking and respect remains, there's always going to be sexual tension, past or present, to muddy the waters. As you've discovered.

 

It would be much better for you to turn to family or female friends if you can. Or support agencies that are equipped to help women who have been through similar experiences to you.

 

Please try not to be too hard on either yourself or your ex-boyfriend for what happened. I think you were both in a very difficult situation...like I say, a no-win one. These things do happen, and I suspect they happen far more often (and to people with far less on their plates than you have right now) than you would imagine.