johan Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 It's been almost two months since we split. I miss her, but I don't keep the porch light on for her or anything. No phone calls. One brief email just to let her know what I was thinking. She has a 17 year old daughter. I love her daughter a lot. In many ways she's more mature and down to earth than her mother. It was hard for us to get very close for a lot of reasons, but we did get along well, and she was always so sweet to me. It feels like a huge loose end. I feel like I should write something to her daughter. I just want to know that she knows that I really do care for her. I don't want her to think I don't care. I just broke things off with her mom and she had to go along for the ride. Even thinking about it all makes me really sad. Maybe I shouldn't go trying the "dad" approach if it was so easy for me to just walk away like that. A real man might or might not do that. I don't ****ing know. This part I regret more than anything else. I feel like an incredible idiot about this part. It wasn't fair to her, and it's not right to hurt her any more than she already has been (if she has). And if she's really angry with me, then I don't think I have a right to try to fix it. It's probably better to let her think I'm a jerk than it would be to try to invade her life in order to give myself any peace of mind. If there were right words, if I knew how she'd take them, if I knew it wouldn't cause any trouble, if I knew it was the right thing to do, I'd do it in a second. I just have no rights. I think her mom told her to delete me from her life. Anyone have any advice?
Outcast Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 This is the worst thing about dating someone with kids; you get attached to the kids and then you lose each other when you break up with their parent. Sadly, there's really nothing you can do about it. You can hope you run into her someplace and have a few words with her (I was lucky enough to be able to do that) but because she's still a minor, you pretty much have to leave things as they are and hope her mother at least had the decency to not badmouth you to her.
Nikita20 Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 Johan: Don't contact the daughter. I just think that this is an indirect attempt to try and get in touch with your ex. If you had a good relationship with the daughter, just because of your break up, it shouldn't taint the daughters feelings towards you. But, just let it be. If you contact the daughter, I'm sure she will report this back to her mom and this, in turn, will make your ex mad and become even more distant. My ex's mom emailed me when we broke up and said, "No matter what happens, I hope that we can still be friends, unless you don't want to." I wrote her back saying that our friendship won't end, however, I need time to myself. I kept it simple and didn't tell her how I felt. She has sent me other generic emails (jokes, etc.) and I haven't responded or sent anything back to her. Once I am over him, perhaps I'll contact her. But, I can't for now. I hope this helps.
Zaira Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 If it were me, I'd write - just once. Say what you have to say. Get it off your chest, and then leave it at that.
FataMorgana Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 If it were me, I'd write - just once. Say what you have to say. Get it off your chest, and then leave it at that. I agree with that as well. You obviously care about the daughter and what she thinks, but make sure you do it for her and not for her mum (ie no expectations so you'll get hurt again). If you don't think you can do this better to leave it. Even if her mother had told her to delete you from her life, a 17 year old has their own thought and feelings too, they have their own friends as well. Can't see how can writing her an email with no expectations in return create more trouble, but you know her better so you should know deep down how close your friendship was and how she does feel about you. hard one johan
sadfish Posted November 1, 2005 Posted November 1, 2005 I've actually been dealing with this dilemma too, Johan. My ex's daughter is 15, and she and i were pretty close. I still email her from time to time and she answers, but it's so very hard for me because i miss her. I tried to go the NC route a few weeks back, deleting the ex and everyone i knew associated with the ex, then a few days later his daughter emailed me asking me what *she* did wrong to be deleted *sigh* It broke my heart. I wrote her back explaining that things were still hard for me, that i care deeply for her and her father still, but i needed time for ME. She totally understood and even expressed an interest in hanging out like we once used to, but i feel that her father wouldn't be comfortable with that, especially since he's got a new girlfriend and her kids now to tend to. I've been battling with myself for weeks to instigate NC again, because now that i know he's serious with this new girl, the pain keeps rearing it's ugly head, and i know i'm not healing continuing a "friendship" with him right now. I don't know what to do in regards to his daughter, because i don't want her to be mad at me either or feel i'm mad at her, but i guess at this time, i have to truly take care of me and not worry about it. It is a really tough situation, Johan, i wish you my best...
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