Rodeogirl Posted October 27, 2005 Posted October 27, 2005 Hey you guys I started reading here last weke when i stumbled on the site when i went to google looking for some kind of help on my situation. It's terrible. I couldl be here all night typing about my married man situation but just wanted to say hello and i feel you guys pain more than you know. in my situation i am married and so is my lover...but i think i care way more about him than he does me... I feel like trash....our last exchange was on tuesday when i asked him via text message basically if he could tell me if he gave a damn about my feelings for him and now it's thursday and he hasn't said anything , and this is the first time in 2 years that i am starting to really understand how i have been treated not only by him, but just by allowing him to say and do some of the things he has done to me, afraid he would stop wanting me....my situation is also different because my lover is a high prfile media person and i am in the same business as an up and comer so he is well respected and he cares about how he is viewed publicly....so our relationship has been very discreet and low profile. I am hurting inside but I am also happier than i have been in a long time because at least now I can see what was in front of me all this time but ignired it, and just to think all it took was for me to ask him one time if he cared... and I could have saved 2 years of my life... any advice on gettin past the next few days??? and how can i handle it if he calls me .?? what should i say to him?? or should i call him or text him and say somehting in regards to him ignoring me?? I am needing some answers.
allaboutchoices Posted October 27, 2005 Posted October 27, 2005 First of all, DO NOT REGRET that you have 'wasted' two years of your life. Those two years meant something to you (and I believe the MM as well) and enriched you in some way. You had good times, you haven't wasted anything. As to passing those few days, weeks, months.... Just hang in there. Try to stay busy. Occupy your mind with something. It helped me. It took me about a month to start thinking clearly, it hurt horribly and I thought the world just fell appart and its pieces struck my heart. I thought I could never feel anything but pain again. Try to accept the situation (easier to say than to do ). It will be hard, but you will get through it. P.S. There are many many threads about NC. I, personally, would not contact him if he's been ignoring you. You will find that with NC, things will get easier faster. There are gonna be many unaswered questions, just try to come to term with those. You need to know what you want out of this. Many OW will tell you to get out, and I say the same.
Sami_D Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 Hello Rodeogirl. What was it that led to your asking him whether he gave a damn about your feelings? Has his treatment of you been bad? Do you have a gut feeling that you have been used? What are the incidents that led to this exchange the other day? And what are you hoping will happen?
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 Time to back off. Way off. By asking him if he cared, you created in his mind an obligation that hadn't been there before - or at least not in a way that he would admit to himself. It is easy in affairs to fool ourselves into thinking that there is no accountability, no obligation, no hassles - and as soon as one partner brings up something like that, no matter how small - it brings the affair into a crashing reality: there IS obligation, there IS emotional involvment, there IS accountability - and the person who blinds himself most to this is the one who will always be the one to run when reality sets in. You made him realize that on some level, he is accountable to you and your feelings. He did not want that then, he does not want that now. It represents a level of involvement which can affect his primary relationship and it was never meant to do that. I expect he fooled himself into thinking that it would be as casual for you, as it is for him. So, in an effort to push you back into your "place" as it were, he is giving you the cold shoulder to show you what happens when you try to step out of the roles he has assigned you as the OW. Is he afraid of his feelings? Nope. He is afraid of yours, and what little he has to offer in return, and the retaliation he feels might happen when it becomes apparent that he has very little to give you in exchange for what you expect of him. Are you expecting too much? Probably not, but that doesn't mean HE doesn't think you are going into that territory. He stands to lose a lot, so of course he is jumpy when it comes to things like this. Perhaps he has had affairs go wrong before, perhaps he has had friends in the business who have had affairs go wrong (wrong, meaning that they interfered with their primary life). What to do? If you want to stay with this man you will have to understand that you have a place for him - he has assigned to you a certain set of emotional and sexual boundaries based on his comfort zone and how well what he has with you does not interfere with what he already has. You have to make sure you do not cross those boundaries in any way. That means you have to lower your expectations to match his boundaries. No more relationship talk, no more asking him to give more than he has... none of that. When you drop back down into his comfort zone, and show him that you will not overstep your OW boundaries he may be back. Then again, he may not - but you stand a better chance of getting him back if you agree to do it entirely on his terms. Its sounds like a brutal and ugly thing, but that's how affairs are when you strip them down of the 'love' and 'passion'. I'm not saying that there isn't love and passion there, but part of being in an affair is accepting the ugly underbelly that comes with being involved with someone who is already otherwise involved. You are only allowed so much of a person by that person - and if you try to take more than is offered you will be set aside. Do not call him. Do not text him. If you want to hold on to him, then wait and let him come for you. If you do not want to hold on to him, take the 'no contact' to an aggressive level and not only do not contact him, but do not allow him to contact you and then take the steps to move on.
cottoncandy Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 their is a motto i live bye. which is.. 'dont be sad that its over... be glad that it happened. ' I believe every person that comes into our lives have some kind of an impact on it into makeing us what we end up becomming. some people come into our lives just to be friends...some to be lovers...some to be teachers... but all come into it for some kind of a purpose. We should value every aquaintence and friendship..no matter how it progresses or if its a good or bad experience. another old saying im reminded of here is.. its better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all. i think that saying also holds alot of truth in it. At any rate.. time is a miracle cure for these situations. time heals all wounds. hopefully in time you'll be able to look back on everything and smile and just move on with your life.
Author Rodeogirl Posted October 29, 2005 Author Posted October 29, 2005 thank you so much LUC and the rest of you guys who replied, but after i wrote this post i was feeling really down so i did text him and hen i did i sent a really heartfelt from the bottom of my heart passage and then said goodbye... someone asked what led up to this and i can only say that my gut was tellin me he wasn't into me the way i was him....he would do things that i would hang onto here and there that made me believe that i was special... for instance his wife just had their second child aug 15th and 5 days later he was beggin to see me just 2 days prior to her giving birth we had sex...we were together everyweek basically, so during this time i was not doubting that i wa the only one besides his wife, we enver exchanged i love you's in the two years we have been seeing eachother...it was when he called i came running and i always held back my feelings in fear of him leaving me. He is the type of guy who can get women at th drop of a dime, he is handsome powerful and rich, so I felt like I had to play his rules in order to keep being his "side" thing....so in the last 3 weeks i have felt ignored and he has been distant and acting weird and then he would talk to me and explain how busy he had been and baby this baby that and told me i was gettin spoiled..etc... onenight 2 weeks ago i saw him at this night club and he andi greeted eachother and low and behld i later saw him touching and careessing another female who was eyeinghim as if she had been with him before this disturbed me and this as the first time i ever lost it!!! so i proceeded to text him in the club and i said I dont ever want to see your face again, that b!tch is all over you,you are a fake!!! and then i left out of their, he then text me back saying he was going home to his wife and was not living with anyone..etc...ignored it while i dove home and then he called me and started trying to calm me down and said he only knew her from seeing her at the club..etc... and then he said youre acting this way because your jealous, hey i aint been with nobody you saw tonight, im going home calm down youve been drinking !! you need me to give you some of this d!ick ??" so of course by him trying so had to make me feel beter i forgave him ....but he stood me up the next day and then called me 3 hours later and apologized and promised to make it up, so when we did see eachother 3 days later it was real quick and over with fast....thats the last time i saw him...(last monday)... so since then i have played around with making him think i was going to leave town and be with my husband and patch things up and when he said to me "try to hve fun it may turn out better than you thought" it hurt me...ALOT... i was left thinking wow he is so quick to see me leave or patch things up... and so i said back "i hate u" and he said "all i said was try"...and then i said "well my heart is somewhere else" ..and he never responded... later the next day i said via text again "obviously i am fond of you and that is no secret all i need to know is if you give a damn you sayng so wont impact my decision to stay, i just need to know." NOTHING BACK!!! s here i am sad as hell and confused....what you guys wrote above helped alot...i mean a lot!!!
Author Rodeogirl Posted October 29, 2005 Author Posted October 29, 2005 I also wanted to add that somewhere in between the last few weeks thru text message i said to him, that i felt like my feelings were starting to grow and that i didnt want to over step my boundaries by making him feel uncomfortable, and i asked him why hadnt he stopped me from fallin for him when he noticed...so i just told him if he wanted nothing else to do with me because of this that i understood. and he said it was "cool" and then when i saw him out a few days later he said to me (as if i was still thinking about what i had text him) "nothing has changed"...so i felt happy.... i feel confused still you guys...he use to tell me i was his best lover, and how beautiful i was and the stares he use to give me into my eyes when we made love was amazing... i want him again just thinking about it all...HELP!
Author Rodeogirl Posted October 29, 2005 Author Posted October 29, 2005 luc you are right yet again ...i always said to myself dang every contact equals a level of pain...wow you have alot of poweful things to say....i like that...here is what i sent him last night after i made this post...that he never replied to yet either... i actually dont care though. I sent this: I can't forget you ignoring my plea the other day I really did need to know if you gave a **** if I left, and your silence spoke volumes.I need to say this before we never talk again ... I knew I felt something for you a long time ago but I preferred to keep it to myself, I was worried about you thinking I was breaking our no strings attached rules so I would change my mind quickly afraid of losing you altogether. I moved here and knew very little about you, still as I learned more and more I thought you were a very inspirational person to pattern myself after...as I would hear people speak highly of you in the business I respected you much more. Still as I move on I just hope you realized you had a good friend in me one that put your needs above her own alot of times when it was "our time". I was down for you in alot of ways. I am a very very spoiled girl normally,but I was all about you, I wanted to please you and give you everything I never gave anyone before, maybe you didnt deserve all of that..but as a woman i was ready to experience some things and you were the right person at the right time...I enjoyed you alot,and maybe too much. With all this said I didnt expect anything but maybe just hoping i could have earned a small piece of your heart along the way, with so many women competing for your attention I realized this was only playtime for you and I understood, but for some reason I didnt think you looked at me as one of "TheM". We all meet our match one day and you are the first one who ever gave me a good run, you didn't offer me anything not even a job, send me gifts, fly me anywhere, ask me to leave my man...you just fked me...I never had that happen so its fking with me.I always said to myself if I cheated on my husband the person would have to be of higher status, and when I had before you, he gave me alot and did alot for me so I felt like it was worth it in more ways than one. I would be lying if I said I was not still feeling fked up...but I'll always feel something for you inside. Damn. Bye Baby. ok you guys how did that come off?? be honest??
Hot Coco Posted October 29, 2005 Posted October 29, 2005 Honestly? It came off as a little crazy to me. I'm being honest since you asked for it. It's all over the place. You broke his "no strings attached" rule and you're looking for some kind of emotional validation from him that you are not going to get. Don't humiliate yourself anymore. Really try to stop contacting him. He's going to start thinking of you as a pest or worse. You had your time but it's over. Move on. Try to pour all your love and emotions into your marriage instead.
AJS Posted October 29, 2005 Posted October 29, 2005 By him saying to you "do you need some of this dick" it seems to me that this affair is about getting HIS dick wet honey, not about YOUR feelings for HIM. You are getting to attached here and he isn't feeling the same way, can't you see this? I would back out now while you still have a little dignity left.
Author Rodeogirl Posted October 29, 2005 Author Posted October 29, 2005 Yea but after 2 years of this i thought he had enough sense to know a normal person would fall for him by now....I protected him, i kept my mouth shut when his wife called my phone once, I lied for him in other instances...he's been in my bed that I share with my husband, he led me on with loose words and I fell for all this. he even said himself if we kept hooking up on a regular basis one of us will fall in love so we already had this conversation, so I feel like by him wanting to continue having sex each week he was trying to lead me down this road on purpose. Like I said above, I told him 3 weeks ago how I felt and he said it was cool, and we still hooked up anyway..afterwards...so In my mind I just think he is just one of those guys that will never be satisfied at home and he will find the best piece of ass he can and keep it around until she gets caught up and then he is back on a search... remember you guys this is 2 years and 2 months of my life here and in this past month is the first time i ever came out and expressed my feelings....EVER...I mean I couldnt hide it anymore...I really couldnt... I do not feel humiliated I feel like I was willing to give up one azzhole for another, and I actually only blame myself. By him ignoring me, it says alot about his character not mine. He was the one who always said he kept everything REAL and when reality stares him in the face the truth is he can not handle it. @ hotcoco , Yes my feeligs came out inn the email and I wanted it to that was 2 years of backed up emotion and I needed to get rid of it, so at this point i dont give a damn about if he thought i was crazy, if I didnt act a fool in 2 years and now i wanted to share my feelings all of a sudden and now it's being a crazed bitch then oh well!! He knows the truth now!!! thats all that matters. although I am not leaving town in reality with my husband I do want him to think I am gone especially now.
Hot Coco Posted October 29, 2005 Posted October 29, 2005 Yea but after 2 years of this i thought he had enough sense to know a normal person would fall for him by now....I protected him, i kept my mouth shut when his wife called my phone once, I lied for him in other instances...he's been in my bed that I share with my husband, he led me on with loose words and I fell for all this. he even said himself if we kept hooking up on a regular basis one of us will fall in love so we already had this conversation, so I feel like by him wanting to continue having sex each week he was trying to lead me down this road on purpose. Like I said above, I told him 3 weeks ago how I felt and he said it was cool, and we still hooked up anyway..afterwards...so In my mind I just think he is just one of those guys that will never be satisfied at home and he will find the best piece of ass he can and keep it around until she gets caught up and then he is back on a search... remember you guys this is 2 years and 2 months of my life here and in this past month is the first time i ever came out and expressed my feelings....EVER...I mean I couldnt hide it anymore...I really couldnt... I do not feel humiliated I feel like I was willing to give up one azzhole for another, and I actually only blame myself. By him ignoring me, it says alot about his character not mine. He was the one who always said he kept everything REAL and when reality stares him in the face the truth is he can not handle it. @ hotcoco , Yes my feeligs came out inn the email and I wanted it to that was 2 years of backed up emotion and I needed to get rid of it, so at this point i dont give a damn about if he thought i was crazy, if I didnt act a fool in 2 years and now i wanted to share my feelings all of a sudden and now it's being a crazed bitch then oh well!! He knows the truth now!!! thats all that matters. although I am not leaving town in reality with my husband I do want him to think I am gone especially now. Ok, why did this make me laugh? "if I didnt act a fool in 2 years and now i wanted to share my feelings all of a sudden and now it's being a crazed bitch then oh well!! He knows the truth now!!! thats all that matters. Do you mean he knows the truth that you're a crazed bitch or the truth that you're in love with him? I'm curious about something. Really, I'm just asking but which bothers you more...the fact that your OM is ignoring you or the fact that you slept with him in the same bed you share with your husband? Be honest now, because I'm really just curious.
Author Rodeogirl Posted October 29, 2005 Author Posted October 29, 2005 I am not sure if you are trying to be rude or not but I meant by that statement that he knows I am not a crazed bitch (or else he would have seen it within that 2 year period)and that now he can see that i cared about him and that was all that mattered... Shyt i found out my husband was crazy after 2 months... LOL so it doesnt take that long my dear. anyway I am more upset that he is ignoring me i stated that already . just as he slept in my bed I've been in his as well.
RainyDayWoman Posted November 5, 2005 Posted November 5, 2005 with statements like "i always said if i cheated on my husband it would be with someone with higher status" and the fact that you are totally obsessed with another man who uses you.....do you really think you should be married at this point in time? i'm serious here, i'm not trying to be a jerk. think about it.
newbby Posted November 10, 2005 Posted November 10, 2005 RG I just read this. You need to get out of this honey. You are telling this MM that you have no self respect at all. His feelings for you will get less and less the more he feels he has complete control over you, the more you bend over backwards trying to please him or explain yourself to him. You have already seen this happen. See how much it has changed from the beginning? Keeping your feelings from him for 2 years only shows him you are trying to please him and you didnt have the guts or self respect/self esteem to state your needs. He knew that you had feelings for him, you are a woman and you were sleeping with him! Get out of this first, then work on divorcing the husband you do not love, then sort yourself out for a sg that you can fall in love with begin things in the right way.
Recommended Posts