Gottabestrong Posted October 27, 2005 Posted October 27, 2005 I guess this is just another 'Should I wish my ex a happy birthday?' thread, but like everybody else, I feel like my situation is different. So tomorrow is my ex' birthday and I cant make up my mind whether I should contact him for it or not. It is driving me crazy and I hope you guys will play my sounding board and tell me your opinions. Some background info: We dated for 2.5 years and he broke up with me 13 months ago as he realized I was not the one he wanted to spend his life with and he did not want to waste my time any longer. I know this decision was hard for him and I am sure he hoped that after he moved out from our place he would realize that he had made a big mistake and want me back. But unfortunately he did not. I am saying this because I want you to know that he is not a bad guy, he is a good guy and always treated me really well, he just did not feel enough love for me to marry me and spend his life with me. Anyway, he wanted us to stay in touch and for a few months we did. Back in March I decided that I would not be able to move on if I stayed in touch with him and so I just dropped off the face of the planet to him. He tried to contact me a few times, but finally gave up when I did not reply. For my birthday in July he sent me an email and a text, but again I ignored both. I planned on ignoring his birthday as well, but for some reason I dont find it so easy to do. So let me list the pros and cons of contacting him and maybe this list alone will help me make a decision. Pros for contacting him He wished me a happy birthday and it would only be decent to do the same I really care about him and should not you wish the people you care for a happy birthday? After I have ignored him for so long he probably wont initiate contact with me again and if I want to be in touch with him one day (which I do), I will have to initiate it. And what better excuse to contact him than his birthday? Maybe, just maybe this will open the lines of communication for us and he will fall in love with me again. (Probably not). It might give me closure if I dont get a reply or if he replies but I feel that it is over for sure. If I dont I will always wonder what would have happened if I did. Where love is concerned, risks should be taken. Cons against contacting him He dumped me. I might regret this later. Whatever his reaction, it might hurt more than it hurts now. I feel quite calm about the whole situation right now, if I contact him, all wounds might open up again. He might tell me that he has a new girlfriend and is very happy, which I really dont need to hear. If he never hears from me again, he will always remember me as the strong, proud woman who walked away from him after he ended our relationship. I have completed over 7 months of NC with him, and it would be a pity to break a good running streak. Last year after his birthday I asked him if he missed me on his birthday, and he said no. If I open up the lines of communication, I will probably start overanalyzing every contact or lack thereof again. I will feel like a weak loser after I contacted him. These are just a few pros and cons I can think of at the moment, but I am sure there are many more. So please, let me know what you think I should do or what you would do in a similar situation. Thanks a bunch!
glittergurl Posted October 27, 2005 Posted October 27, 2005 Don't send anything. He would not understand, and the whole situation could become a bit awkward, complicated, and not very clear for either of you. You have managed to stay out of touch for so long. I have to say I admire you for that, because I realize how hard that must be! You've come so far, you're almost getting over him. Almost. If you manage to stay away from him just a little longer, you'll eventually stop thinking about it and you won't even feel the need to contact him again. I think you're strong, you can do it. I'm sure you're (maybe unconsciously?) expecting an answer to those birthday wishes, and I don't think that's the best thing for you right now. Like I said, you've almost turned the page, it would be stupid to push yourself back 10 pages ... when he's the one who dumped you in the first place.
Author Gottabestrong Posted October 28, 2005 Author Posted October 28, 2005 HI Glittergurl, thanks a lot for your post. I feel the same way most of the time, but then I get doubts and think contacting him would be the better decision. It is hard.
glittergurl Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 Oh, I understand completely! I have been through the same a few years ago with this one guy. Except I didn't cut contacts with him like you did, and that was such a weak, stupid thing for me to do. It only made it harder to get over with; and I feel like what could have taken 7 or 8 months to heal, actually took 2 years because of that. He was nice, honest, caring, etc, but he didn't want to be with me, and even though I tried to convince myself that I could handle his friendship without anything more, I eventually had to face the fact that this was not working. It was only keeping my hopes up, while he had no clue how hard I was struggling inside. And that was not fair. Each new girlfriend felt like a stab in the stomach. So anyway, I eventually managed to stay out of touch for over 5 months. Sometimes I thought "ok, there's a special event coming up, maybe I could message him, or call him, etc". But then I didn't, and I'm glad I didn't. Because it all passed. After a few more months, I stopped caring at all. I didn't feel the need to talk to him or know what he was up to anymore. Gosh, what a relief. I could finally move on with my life, it's a stupid thing to say, but I felt so free again. So, I don't know if your situation is exactly the same; but well, you may think about contacting him again a few more times. Just hang on, and don't. It will pass. And it's a great feeling once you're over it.
Author Gottabestrong Posted October 28, 2005 Author Posted October 28, 2005 Well, his birthday will be here in a bit over an hour, so if anybody else has an opinion on my situation, this is your chance to chime in. Please do so. And glittergurl, thanks for your advice.
wahaha1 Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 Find something else to do, cooking, laundry, shopping, movie etic.., that can keep you busy and stop thinking about him today. You have been doing a good job for NC, you don't want to break it and start over again.
seachange Posted October 29, 2005 Posted October 29, 2005 I think I'm probably too late and you've already had to decide what to do. But just in case you haven't... I was just wondering, as I read your "pro" list - what if you knocked off the one where there's a possibility he'll fall in love with you again. Then look at the pro/con lists again. Does pro still appeal to you? I think that if the issue is that you want the option to be friends again someday, there really isn't a rush. You still can, whether now or farther in the future. Think of that list this way: he knew how you felt 7 months ago. You took risks for love then, but it didn't pan out because he wasn't willing to take the same risks. I don't think that contacting him now would be about closure for you; it would be testing the waters. So if you just look at the "pros" as a list of, do I need to say happy birthday and I don't ultimately want to lose a friend - again, I think there's no rush. You can reconnect someday, whenever you're really ready for friendship.
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