MnkyGirl Posted October 27, 2005 Posted October 27, 2005 Hi all, this is my first time in this forum...this will be long (so sorry) I just need some advice on what to do... I am 29, I met my first love in high school, had a kid, got married and had another kid...I was with him 12 years...4 years into our marriage he began abusing my physically, it started off with little things and then last year it got bad. I dealt with it for 8 years and decided to leave him last sept. 04 I took the kids and moved to my parents, then a month later got my own place and have been there since. He has stocked me, taunted and tormented me for the last year...in between he would say he loved me and wants me back. Back and forth for a year now. I filed for divorce in Feb 05 and it will be final Nov 05 (next month). He is worried I will go through with it (duh!) yet at the same time I still love him, no matter what he says or does I will always love him, I just don't think he will ever change. Over this last year he has been tested and is bi-polar, he takes meds (when he wants to) but not all the time. He doesn't want a divorce, he wants a life with me and the kids...I have asked him for one week of peace, no yelling, fighting or calling names...I haven't gotten it so I am going through with the divorce. After I moved out our friends kind of split between us, he got some and I got others. After being out of my STBX house I started dating a friend (was probably a bad choice but he is a great guy) it took a good 7 months before I would date him, after being with my STBX for so long (and him being the only man I have ever slept with) I just couldn't date. After seeing him in a "relationship" for a couple months he needed a place to stay so he moved in with me and the kids. I have known him for years...as a friend, we didn't just jump right in. We have had issues throughout the relationship. He doesn't like the fact that when the STBX calls in the middle of the night saying he doesn't want to live anymore I calm him down. My BF wants me to be mean and tell him to stop...thing is, if my STBX ever hurt himself I would have to live with that so I won't be mean. We are having a lot of issues lately...my BF gets so angry at me for being stressed out about life and money and things going on. I just don't understand. I do know that he wants me in his life and doesn't want the X to be around but the X has to be around...we have kids together. Thing is, if the BF moves out I am screwed. He ran up my credit card bills...I have put my daughter and son in a new daycare and it cost me $300 a month...(my portion, X pays rest) only because he was staying with me and helping out. I pay all the bills, I take care of everything...he makes double what I make...we use his money for food and extra stuff....my account is basically the bill pay account, when I need a little cash for things I ask him, he has no issues with giving it to me. I got a good chunk on income taxes last year and he needed a vehicle, I bought him a truck...I also loaned him some money to stay in his apartment a little longer before he moved in with me. Now if he moves I lose all that...the money and the stability of having him around. I just don't know if I should fight to keep him around or if I should just let him go and stay with my parents...I really don't want to be with my parents at my age but if I have to for 2 months so I can save money I will... I am just so lost and confused. My X is running off my BF. My BF has dealt with a lot of crap the last year, I was hoping he was strong enough to deal with all this but I really don't think he is. What can I do to make my BF feel secure? what can I do to keep him around? I can't be rude to my X, I won't be rude to my X.... Any suggestions on what I should do? I am lost and confused more than ever in my life...
GivenUp0083 Posted October 27, 2005 Posted October 27, 2005 To be honest you've pretty much screwed yourself. 1. You never dated other people, so you never even gave yourself a chance to really know what it's like to be in love. 2. You're attached to your ex. He is abusive and can only bring you down. If you want to go anywhere in your life or ever be truly happy, he's got to be out completely. I know you love him, but this is where you have to decide what you really want, and if its not him, you gotta ditch him. I know you have kids together, but maybe you can arrange some things where you don't have to see each other when you pick up the kids from one another. 3. I know exactly how your BF now feels. I dated a girl last summer who was still attached to her ex and his kids. Now I don't think she'll ever find a guy who is willing to put up with a girl who has a stalker ex boyfriend whose kids' lives she still wants to be a part of. You're lucky to have found someone in your situation. If you want to keep him, you better get rid of the ex completely, or he'll be gone. I'm going to assume you won't let your ex out of your life completely, so unless he pulls a big 180 (which you probably already think is possible if you help him), it just isn't going to happen, at least anytime soon. I'd say you know the right path, you just don't want to take it.
Author MnkyGirl Posted October 27, 2005 Author Posted October 27, 2005 I have screwed myself I know that...that is why I am here, I don't know how to fix all this... I would get rid of the X completely but we have kids. We don't see each other when we drop off and pick up the kids. I drop them off at daycare and he picks them up...then he drops them off there on monday and I pick them up. I started that in the begining so I wouldn't have to see him. Thing is he is obsessed with me. He won't leave me alone. I would get a restraining order but then how would he contact me if anything went wrong with the kids when he had them? I haven't dated, I haven't been out in the world to experience life, I get too attached to quickly and I hate that about myself. I am very lucky to have found my BF and very lucky that he has dealt with all my crap for the past year. Thing is, he is at the end of his rope. What can I do to show him I want him? How do I get it through to the X that I am done and he needs to leave me alone? (without him doing something drastic?) My BG is very stubborn, he is quick to give up on situations. He doesn't think relationships are work...he is single and in his 30's...he can't have kids because of cancer so he was drawn to me because I am an already made family...those are the things he has told me. I just don't know how I can talk to him or get him to deal with it just a little long. After the divorce is final on the 14th of Nov. I will get a restraining order, or a order of no contact...but until then I can't. I want to get through court without a hassle, I just want it over. If my BF leaves me I am screwed...like I said before, he has put so much on me and spent all of my money even though me makes double what I do. I know this is my fault but it just doesn't seem fair, I shouldn't have been as giving as I was, I guess I figured it would help him deal with the issues with the X. I was wrong. A lesson learned. O well, I guess no one can give me the advice I need...I probably just need to move in with my parents and save money...maybe take another job in another state if my divorce will allow me to leave...and yes I am running from my issues, I can't confront them alone...I am too scared.
Author MnkyGirl Posted October 28, 2005 Author Posted October 28, 2005 Well thank you for your reply. We broke up last night. He said he needs "Time to be alone" doesn't know if he is a "family man", maybe he was "meant to be single" he threw out all the excuses...O well life goes on, I will find the right man someday. He is going to start looking for a place this weekend and hopefully be out soon. He called me at work today to talk to me...like as if we are friends...I am a woman I can't be his friend so fast...I just don't get him. I sure have learned a lot though, I know I can't be as giving or as nice, maybe I should try the "it's all about me" approach in my next relationship...but that just so isn't me. Aw well...all I need to get by is a good life with my kids...
Walk Posted October 28, 2005 Posted October 28, 2005 *HUG* You sound like you're trying to save everyone else in the whole world, and all the while ending up walked on harder and harder. I think you need to cut yourself some slack, this isn't "your fault". and just because Givenup dated one girl who was crazy, isn't at all like your situation. You do have kids, and things aren't clear cut. So lighten up on yourself. You're doing the best you can. Can you file for state aid? You're going to get child support, right? I know there are a lot of federally funded programs to help single parents get back on their feet. You need to find those. And if you have to stay with your parents for a few months, do so. I know you'll probably feel like a mooch and loser, but if this is what will help you get through for a while, then do so. Later, when you are back on your feet, you can repay them for letting you stay there. And stay away from men for a while. You don't need the added hassel of dealing with a man-childs ego problems, with all of the problems you're facing right now. Your bf should've supported you, he should've helped you, instead he acted like a little brat who wasn't getting his way and threw a tantrum. Like your life isn't hard enough right now? You don't need the drama. I guess what I'm saying is see if you can find some state or government assistance, and work on yourself. You need to find out who you are before adding in a bf or lover again. You need to be the best you possible, not only for you, but for your kids too. Hang in there!! I'm rooting for you!
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