OK now I’m Confused

[GuySimple]

It’s been a couple of weeks since I last posted here. But, long story shore, I have now fully moved out and am now in an apartment. Our plans are to share parent our kids but my W has had them full time for a couple of weeks while I got my place settled. I didn’t want them to come to my home and feel sorry for me so I wanted to make sure everything was set up including their room. And, it looks pretty darn good.

 

So what is confusing me is that we agreed to separate but my w seems to constantly asked, albeit jokingly, what my plans are for the evening or weekend. If I am on the phone when she calls and have to call her back she asks who I was talking to. I politely say that we are separated and it is probably not appropriate for her to be asking. Which usually gets her a bit angry.

 

So is this normal? I am sometime curious about what she is up to but I don’t ask as that is her business. I don’t think she is asking because she really cares but more she is wondering if I am getting on with my life? I don’t know.

 

Also, tonight I find out that she has told her sister that we have separated. Both of our families live on the coast so we have been keeping it quiet until we feel we have got our sh@t together. The families are not known for their understanding for these types of thinks. So when I found out she told her sister I was p@ss’ed. And we had an argument once again. And once again said lots of hurtful stiff to each other, rehashing the whole thing again.

 

Does this part ever stop? The hurt feelings? She’s telling me things now about how she has felt that if I had known over the past few years I could have dealt with. It’s kind of like we are separated now so it is time to spill the beans and talk. I don’t know if it is me, that she didn’t feel comfortable telling me her feels or she just didn’t want to bother. So in my own shoot from the hip style I accused her of planning this separation long before she decided to share her feelings with me. After I said it I thought that is probably the way most separations happen.

[Mz. Pixie]

She's still jealous. You're reacting the polite way. Perhaps she still wants to work it out.

 

I'd have to say yes, that most women plan their separations and divorce out in their heads before they do it. I know I did.

[Trimmer]

If I am on the phone when she calls and have to call her back she asks who I was talking to. I politely say that we are separated and it is probably not appropriate for her to be asking. Which usually gets her a bit angry.

 

So is this normal? I am sometime curious about what she is up to but I don’t ask as that is her business. I don’t think she is asking because she really cares but more she is wondering if I am getting on with my life? I don’t know.

GS - you and I are about in the same stage here - separated, but still struggling with where the boundaries should be. If that happens again and she gets upset, how about saying something like "I can hear you're upset. What do you think our boundaries should be in these situations?" and then just stop talking and let her think about what she's asking...

 

A lot of times, when my (stbx)wife wanted something, she would throw out a really vague concept, then, being the doormat that I am (was!), I would suggest some generous way that I would contribute to its solution. Like the other day, she asked something like "what do you think about splitting the cost when I take the kids on a vacation". I think she was fishing for my previous tendency which would probably be to have made a specific offer to split it by some amount. But instead I said "Yeah, you know, I'm not sure about that. What do you propose?" and she was struck speechless. Then I said "Would you expect to split costs with me when I take them out of town?" and she immediately, but quitely acknowledged "No." Having to actually formulate the proposition herself forced her to think about it, instead of just casting for nibbles... I finished respectfully with "Well if you have a specific proposal that you think is fair, I'll listen." Haven't heard back on this subject.

 

Anyway, putting it back in her lap is a constructive thing. You are acknowledging her feelings (of being upset) and giving her a chance to voice a solution, but it will also help her to look at the situation more objectively, and maybe she'll realize she's stepping over a boundary. Or if not, it may open up a rational discussion where you can work out what those boundaries should be during this time.

 

Also, tonight I find out that she has told her sister that we have separated. Both of our families live on the coast so we have been keeping it quiet until we feel we have got our sh@t together. The families are not known for their understanding for these types of thinks. So when I found out she told her sister I was p@ss’ed. And we had an argument once again. And once again said lots of hurtful stiff to each other, rehashing the whole thing again.

If you had a specific agreement that she broke, that sucks, and it's hard, but I would express your irritation with her breaking the agreement, but try not to hash back over other stuff. Hard to to. I just fell into this trap last night. A small disagreement about an inconsequential issue slid into the fundamental issue of lying and betrayal between us. Hmmm, how did we get here?

 

But here's the thing I've found - the more I work on emotionally disconnecting from her, the easier it gets to leave little things as little things. I don't (as much anyway) take every conversation as an opportunity to make smart-*ss comments intended to hurt; I don't look at everything she does for further signs of her hostility or betrayal of me. Emotionally disconnecting is hard - in my heart, it still feels like I'm betraying our marital bond - but at this point it is inevitable. I have accepted it, and I need to get on with my life.

 

Also, consider: does it really affect you that she told her sister, or is your irritation mostly that she broke your agreement? If your family hasn't found out and it doesn't really affect you, and you are mostly only irritated (understandable) that she broke the agreement, then realizing this might let you disconnect from it a little bit more. If it's only about your agreement, I don't mean to be flippant, but can you say "I don't care" and don't give her this control over your dispositon?

 

She’s telling me things now about how she has felt that if I had known over the past few years I could have dealt with. It’s kind of like we are separated now so it is time to spill the beans and talk.

Yeah, this really hurts me in my case. I feel like she wanted me to read her mind, even as she was actively hiding things from me. I have heard (and read on here) women say they just want their men to know what they need, it is so obvious to them that the feel they shouldn't have to tell them directly. Wow. I mean some men may not "get" communications - I understand that it is a two way street - but man, I think I would have been there. I would have liked the opportunity to get it right without having to read her mind. I don't discount my apparent failure to try to understand and meet her needs, and I certainly wish I had done it differently, but in the end here we are...

[GuySimple]

Probably the biggest thing she told me was that after I had an affair and we got back together and (I thought) worked things out. She decided on her own that she didn’t want to have anymore kids with me. Now, the conversations at the time were she didn’t want to do the child birth thing again.

 

I asked her if she had told me if maybe I would have known then that she wasn’t over my affair. So instead of living with the anger for 7-8 years she could have confronted it and me and we could have resolved things or moved on to where we are now. I think we would have had a much better relationship (albeit) maybe divorced much sooner.

 

Anyway, clearly there is nothing that I can do about it now. I am still not use to the freedom of living alone. There are some really lonely times. I have only told a couple of people at work and haven’t told any of my family so I haven’t had an outlet for the stuff that I am feeling. It still bothers me to think of her moving on to someone else. I can’t get rid of the feeling that we moved fast and threw a lot away too quickly.

[Trimmer]

GS - even if it's a drag most of the time, are you getting any positive bounce from the freedom and being alone? Any feeling of rediscovering your lost self, power and control over your own life, or persuing interests that have been put aside, etc? Be selfish some - what would you like to do if you had some time to yourself?

[GuySimple]

Oh, hey it is not all that bad. I actually like the alone time, most of the time. It would be nice to have some company once in a while though. But I expect that will come in time. And to be honest when I think about my dream partner that person is not my wife. It's just that it is hard to break those ties and move on. It is too easy to look back because that is what is familure.

 

I am also finding it hard to meet single people. I'm not into the bar thing, at least to meet anyone, and all of my friends are couples and don't feel comfortable introducing me because they are also friends of my wife. Patience is also not one of my strong points.

[ktmrider]

I wonder which sex is in a better position after a divorce: a divorce woman with kids or a divorce man with kids? It's kinda funny thinking about it though.

[GuySimple]

If I had long hair and breasts I don’t expect that I would have been home alone last night.

 

Honestly, I think in most relationships men have a bit more control once the relationship is established but women are in total control of establishing the relationship.