fiance and porn issue

[dnm1010]

my fiance is addicted to porn

weve spoken abotu this many times and it took him a while but he agreed to stop looking at it. i didnt pressure him into quitting, we just talked about how we feel about it and we also talked about our future together, having kids, and what we want to build our home with... we did not want porn to be in our house and so we decided it would be best to get rid of it.

 

he was initially exposed to porn at an incredible young age, he says 4 or 5. he comes from a very good house so it wasnt like his mom was a prostitute or anything. but anyway, he decided to delete all of the porn from his computer and stop viewing it. he promised me that he quit and so whenever i would ask he said he hasnt watched it and he feels ok without it.

 

keep in mind that he has admitted that he is addicted to it. i asked him how or why but he says he doesnt know why. he says he doesnt even use it to masterbate, its just something he looks at and he doesnt know why.

 

he quit over a year ago. well this weekend i found porn on his computer. i confronted him about it and he said he had been looking at it for a while now. he tried to quit but he went back to looking at it and he doesnt know why. it wasnt a lot or anything but i was so devistated that he lied to me. i gave him his ring back for now because in our relationship he promised me two things, no porn and yes marriage... so breaking one promise was a lot. i taped the ring on his monitor becaus ei didnt want to lose it and also i wanted him to remember me when he looked at porn. he knows all this, we are very open with each other.

 

i cried a lot because of all of the times i had asked if he had watched porn and how he is doing without it and he lied to me. so many times he lied. i dont understand why and he told me hes embaraced and hes trying to get better at it.

 

at first i told him maybe we shouldnt be intimate until hes done with that stuff but then i came to the conclusion that making him sexually frustrated is not going to help steer him away from porn.

 

i offered watching it together or something but to be honest i dont like that thought very much. he doesnt want to do that because he doesnt want porn in his life anymore hes trying to stop it.

 

i just dont know what to do next. im so upset about this and he doesnt know how to quit it nor does he know why he looks at it or when. its like being in this unknown area and i dont know what the next step to take is.

 

please help if u can.. it will be greatly appreciated.

[LucreziaBorgia]

If he genuinely thinks he has a problem with addiction, and wants to work on it - help him find a counselor to help him with his addictive behavior. If he sees himself as normal, and the only person who thinks he is an addict is you - then there isn't much there to compromise on.

 

Herein lies a very important thing, though: he himself has to see what he has as an addiction, and he has to genuinely want to end it. He may not want to end it, and if he doesn't - then there is nothing you can do and going your separate ways is the best thing, because counseling an addict who is getting help only because someone else wants him to is a waste of time and money (particularly if they don't see themselves as an addict).

 

He has to want it for himself. You'll have to determine how serious he is about wanting to change his behavior. He may very well not even see what he has as an addiction, and is only telling you things that he thinks will excuse his behavior and allow him to continue getting away with what he doesn't think is a problem in the first place. Tricky situation. You'll have to determine how he really thinks about it before anything constructive can be done.

 

It probably would help to go to some premarital counseling together, as well.

[slubberdegullion]

There are some things I just don't understand. I mean, why get your jollies off by viewing an airbrushed image on a video screen when the real thing, warm, loving, accepting and sensual, is right there? It seems a bit like eating Mac'n Cheese when there's a New York Steak available.

 

*shakes his head, walks away*

[dnm1010]

well just to clear things up- i never knew there was such a thing as a porn addiction- it all came from him and im sure it took a lot of courage for him to tell me he was addicted. especially because he has quite an ego he told me he thinks he has an addiction and he doesnt understand it or know why, he says the pics dont turn him on he doesnt have a clue why he looks at them.

 

were both students and cant afford counseling.. even though i really wish we could. another option would be to involve his parents but i don tthink he wants to tell his parents about his addiction... i dont know where to go for this kind of counseling too... but i agree this m ight be a good idea, i will talk to him about it.

 

i know its hard for him and now were in florida we have no power and he has kept away from the computer completely since i caught him- we have a generator and so the computer and internet works when the generator is on and it is dark in the house but he still doesnt go near his laptop.

 

i am trying to be supportive because i love him and to make him feel like were in this together. even though were not married, once we get married it will be for better or worst and so i told him im there for better or worst. i try not to be angry with him but i am sad. i cant pretend to understand this addiction, or the lies involved. its frustrating.

 

thank you very much for your responces, it is reassuring to know someone is listening.

[CaptHowdy]

If you're both students (I'm assuming college/university as you were planning on getting married) your schools probably offer free counselling services. While you may not be able to get "couples" therapy there, he could likely seek help for his addiction on his own. Just a thought, cause I know most, or at least most shcools around here, do offer those services.