Income Difference and Ego

[Gaeta]

My brother (40s) married a doctor. He's well educated, makes in the 6 digit but his wife makes probably 4 times that. She has fancier taste, she likes to travel a few times a year, etc she accepted my brother can't sustain that life style so she pays more and she has no problem with it....brother seems to have adapted to it just fine. 

It's more and more commun. 

[Otter2569]

23 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

This may be one of those "cross that bridge when you get to it" situations. Perhaps when it comes up such as planning a vacation or something where budgets may be discussed.

We are actually in the process of planning a vacation.  One that is a bit of a splurge for me.  

[Calmandfocused]

Otter I’m grateful that you’ve brought this up. Been thinking about creating a thread about this very topic myself for a while. 
 

So I’m a woman with a very high flying career that I love. Now, one might assume that this fact raises my value on the datability scale right?? …

No actually! I’d say the very opposite is true. I’d go as far to say that it’s turned a lot of men off.
 

I can’t count the amount of times I’ve scared men off as soon as I’ve disclosed my job title. This is before we’ve even met. I get a lot of “you’re way out my league love” or something similar. Many have just simply disappeared without saying anything at all. 
 

Friends tell me to keep my level of seniority secret until they know me a bit better. However I’m proud of what I’ve achieved. It feels wrong to keep it a secret so why should I? 
 

And the irony is: I could not give a Monkeys what my partner earns or what job he does. I do not care if he earns less than me or has lesser qualifications. I don’t care what car he drives or how many bedrooms are in his house. What does it matter? I want him to love me, not work for me. 
 

So Otter before you get yourself in a tiz about this please consider what I’ve written. Your new girlfriend may feel exactly the same as me. 
 

She’s probably not interested (or worried) about your job title or what money you have in the bank. She’s probably more interested in your compatibility as a partner. 
 

Stop worrying about it and be proud of who you are. 
 

 

[Trail Blazer]

On 1/21/2023 at 4:46 AM, Calmandfocused said:

Otter I’m grateful that you’ve brought this up. Been thinking about creating a thread about this very topic myself for a while. 
 

So I’m a woman with a very high flying career that I love. Now, one might assume that this fact raises my value on the datability scale right?? …

No actually! I’d say the very opposite is true. I’d go as far to say that it’s turned a lot of men off.
 

I can’t count the amount of times I’ve scared men off as soon as I’ve disclosed my job title. This is before we’ve even met. I get a lot of “you’re way out my league love” or something similar. Many have just simply disappeared without saying anything at all. 
 

Friends tell me to keep my level of seniority secret until they know me a bit better. However I’m proud of what I’ve achieved. It feels wrong to keep it a secret so why should I? 
 

And the irony is: I could not give a Monkeys what my partner earns or what job he does. I do not care if he earns less than me or has lesser qualifications. I don’t care what car he drives or how many bedrooms are in his house. What does it matter? I want him to love me, not work for me. 
 

So Otter before you get yourself in a tiz about this please consider what I’ve written. Your new girlfriend may feel exactly the same as me. 
 

She’s probably not interested (or worried) about your job title or what money you have in the bank. She’s probably more interested in your compatibility as a partner. 
 

Stop worrying about it and be proud of who you are. 
 

 

I wish I could say I felt comfortable with being a lesser-earner, but my experience tells me it's something to avoid.

My ex-wife was a lawyer, and a little bit older than me.  I wasn't earning much for most of our marriage, and with having two children, she would always go on about how it was so exhausting being "the breeder and the breadwinner".

She may be different to you, and many other women as well.  However, she also said she didn't have a problem with it... until she did!

The dynamic I have in my current relationship works very well.  My partner is highly intelligent and extremely educated, with a very good job and earns decent money.

I, on the other hand, have managed to get myself in a position where finances are of very little concern and where I earn significantly more despite the fact that she has a goos job.

I think that as a man, regardless of how we want to try and pretend that gender roles are just some social construct engineered by the evil patriarchy - there's no doubt in my mind that women are attracted to strong men who are confident, assertive and proactive.

My partner isn't attracted to me for whatever money I do or don't have.  She's attracted to me because I can lead and take ownership.  If I barely had two cents to scratch together, I very much doubt I'd have the confidence to conduct myself in life the way I do.

I don't consider myself a control freak, however, I like to be able to lead and not be truncated by someone who feels threatened by that.  And thankfully, for the most part, women find that attractive.

Men don't want women to have the ability to emasculate them, even if the woman would never have any intentions to do so.  Just the mere thought would send many guys running.  You know, like the guys who've run when they found out what you do for a job.

 

[Els]

5 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

My ex-wife was a lawyer, and a little bit older than me.  I wasn't earning much for most of our marriage, and with having two children, she would always go on about how it was so exhausting being "the breeder and the breadwinner".

This can be a legitimate concern if the two people involved want to have biological kids together, and are of the age where that can happen. I can certainly understand how and why a woman might start to form resentment towards her partner if she was pregnant/breastfeeding while simultaneously being the primary breadwinner, especially in a country like the US. In other countries where maternity leave is more generous, and women suffer fewer repercussions to their career when taking this leave, this disparity is probably less prevalent. But until an artificial womb is developed (and socially accepted), this will continue to be a concern for some couples, unfortunately.

If the OP is dating a woman close to his age, however, it's extremely unlikely to be a concern.

[BaileyB]

7 minutes ago, Els said:

I can certainly understand how and why a woman might start to form resentment towards her partner if she was pregnant/breastfeeding while simultaneously being the primary breadwinner, especially in a country like the US.

Agree. Also if the woman has/assumes more responsibility for the household, cleaning, grocery shopping, cooking, etc… the resentment is bound to grow and grow. Many women hold this kind of resentment at this time of life, the fact that she is perhaps the high earner probably adds fuel to an already smouldering fire…

[Els]

6 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Agree. Also if the woman has/assumes more responsibility for the household, cleaning, grocery shopping, cooking, etc… the resentment is bound to grow and grow. Many women hold this kind of resentment at this time of life, the fact that she is perhaps the high earner probably adds fuel to an already smouldering fire…

Yes, exactly. FWIW, I do know a few happy couples with biological kids where the woman significantly out-earns the man, so it's certainly possible. In those cases, though, you can see the man really stepping up and taking care of everything else that he possibly can, since it's not biologically possible for him to do the pregnancy/breastfeeding. I've seen them quit their jobs and get new ones when their partner's career required a move, they do the majority of the childcare and the majority of the household chores. They routinely take care of the kids alone when their partner goes on business/conference trips, without complaint. One of them singlehandedly does all the morning chores to get the kids ready for school/daycare AND picks them up every evening, because his partner works longer hours.

And I have heaps of respect towards these guys for doing that... but the reality is that most men in those positions DON'T take on a corresponding amount of childcare/housework to make things easier for their partner. And that makes the resentment grow.

Edited January 23, 2023 by Els

[Calmandfocused]

6 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

I wish I could say I felt comfortable with being a lesser-earner, but my experience tells me it's something to avoid.

My ex-wife was a lawyer, and a little bit older than me.  I wasn't earning much for most of our marriage, and with having two children, she would always go on about how it was so exhausting being "the breeder and the breadwinner".

She may be different to you, and many other women as well.  However, she also said she didn't have a problem with it... until she did!

The dynamic I have in my current relationship works very well.  My partner is highly intelligent and extremely educated, with a very good job and earns decent money.

I, on the other hand, have managed to get myself in a position where finances are of very little concern and where I earn significantly more despite the fact that she has a goos job.

I think that as a man, regardless of how we want to try and pretend that gender roles are just some social construct engineered by the evil patriarchy - there's no doubt in my mind that women are attracted to strong men who are confident, assertive and proactive.

My partner isn't attracted to me for whatever money I do or don't have.  She's attracted to me because I can lead and take ownership.  If I barely had two cents to scratch together, I very much doubt I'd have the confidence to conduct myself in life the way I do.

I don't consider myself a control freak, however, I like to be able to lead and not be truncated by someone who feels threatened by that.  And thankfully, for the most part, women find that attractive.

Men don't want women to have the ability to emasculate them, even if the woman would never have any intentions to do so.  Just the mere thought would send many guys running.  You know, like the guys who've run when they found out what you do for a job.

 

Oh great! So what you’re saying is women like me haven’t got a chance at finding a partner TB?  Well at least you’re honest about it . 
 

To be clear I have no problem with a man taking the lead and operating  in accordance to “traditional” gender norms. In fact I’d welcome it. I don’t want to take the lead in my personal life as well at work. I’m very happy for someone else to “take charge”. Stroll on! 
 

High earning women also have to be careful of men who are in financial dire straights and who are looking for a meal ticket. I’ve come across this a few times. 
 

Whilst it’s true that I don’t care what a man does or doesn’t earn I do expect him to be able to take financial care of himself. Not a lot to ask in my opinion. 

 

 

[Weezy1973]

59 minutes ago, Els said:

…because his partner works longer hours...

This is the key. It’s really the hours worked more than money earned. My wife makes about 2.5x more than me per hour, but only works 3 days a week. We have a 4 year old and expecting our 2nd in a couple of months where she’ll take 18 months parental leave. In her words, she knew she wanted to be her profession since she was seven. But she knew she wanted to be a mom before that. Being a mom takes a priority over her career and she divides her time accordingly. She does the huge bulk of “kid” stuff, while I do almost all the other chores except laundry - and that’s only because she’s picky with how laundry gets done. We have a cleaner come in once a month for “deep” cleaning and gardeners come in about once every two months to do weeding and seasonal maintenance. But most importantly, despite being a high earner, she does not have expensive taste at all. She’s more a saver than a spender. Didn’t want to be “house rich but cash poor”. Believed cars are for utility rather than a status symbol. All the sorts of qualities one would look for in a partner to have kids with really. I’m a pretty lucky guy.

 

Long story short - it has very little to do with income disparity and way more to do with the core values of the person you’re dating. 

[Els]

2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

This is the key. It’s really the hours worked more than money earned. My wife makes about 2.5x more than me per hour, but only works 3 days a week. We have a 4 year old and expecting our 2nd in a couple of months where she’ll take 18 months parental leave. In her words, she knew she wanted to be her profession since she was seven. But she knew she wanted to be a mom before that. Being a mom takes a priority over her career and she divides her time accordingly. She does the huge bulk of “kid” stuff, while I do almost all the other chores except laundry - and that’s only because she’s picky with how laundry gets done. We have a cleaner come in once a month for “deep” cleaning and gardeners come in about once every two months to do weeding and seasonal maintenance. But most importantly, despite being a high earner, she does not have expensive taste at all. She’s more a saver than a spender. Didn’t want to be “house rich but cash poor”. Believed cars are for utility rather than a status symbol. All the sorts of qualities one would look for in a partner to have kids with really. I’m a pretty lucky guy.

 

Long story short - it has very little to do with income disparity and way more to do with the core values of the person you’re dating. 

To an extent, yeah. However, being able to work 3 days a week, in itself, is a privilege that few breadwinners have. In order for this to be possible, in most cases, they would have to be earning a LOT per hour, and also the partner would have to still be earning a significant amount - not as much, sure, but not "very little" by conventional measures, either. Things would be quite different for a female breadwinner who is working at least 40 hours a week (as most do) but still saddled with the majority of the childcare.

[Lotsgoingon]

I have seen numbers that roughly 30 to 38 percent (varying numbers) of wives make more than husbands.

Add in wives that earn about as much as the husband, and you get to about 50 percent. That's a lot! ... a lot of moving past traditional upbringings. 

I think things (as always with men and women) are changing and changing rapidly. It's interesting. I know a guy from a well off family who married a woman from an extremely well off family. The guy will inherit a decent amount from his parents, but his wife can access money any time ... for huge purchases ... What interests me is that the more people know of stories like this guy (and how happy he and his wife seem) the more men see a way to get past the cultural programming and traditions. 

It's funny: I just thought of other people I know well where the woman out earns the man. What's really odd: I didn't even notice or think about that til a minute ago. He still does lots of the traditional male duties and he cooks a lot! This matters, I assume. He is outstanding in his job which is kinda prestigious though it doesn't pay all that well. 

I keep forgetting that I dated a woman who made about as much as me, but she had wealth (total assets) like 20x what I have. Never crossed my mind to hesitate approaching her. Actually I think this a key: that I didn't think about it. I just gravitated towards this person I liked. If I had stopped to think about the money and the wealth this woman has, I might have hesitated for fear that she wants me to make more. I don't need to make more. But I might worry that the woman wants that.

 

 

Edited January 23, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[ironpony]

On 1/18/2023 at 6:17 PM, Otter2569 said:

How do you handle a discussion about income when your SO (GF in this case) makes A LOT more than you? 

I am dating a woman who makes possibly double what I earn.  We both have professional jobs but she is an executive with a more demanding position.  This doesn't really bother me since she lives a normal lifestyle and is very practical.  This is going to come up sooner or later and I'd like to handle it tactfully.  I don't want to feel uncomfortable or less of a partner because of it.

Are you worried that she will react negatively at you making less or what is the problem exactly, if you don't havea  problem with it?