Otter2569 Posted January 19, 2023 Posted January 19, 2023 How do you handle a discussion about income when your SO (GF in this case) makes A LOT more than you? I am dating a woman who makes possibly double what I earn. We both have professional jobs but she is an executive with a more demanding position. This doesn't really bother me since she lives a normal lifestyle and is very practical. This is going to come up sooner or later and I'd like to handle it tactfully. I don't want to feel uncomfortable or less of a partner because of it.
basil67 Posted January 19, 2023 Posted January 19, 2023 She's probably got an idea of what you earn. But if she's dating you, then she's obviously OK with it. So is there really anything to discuss? 3
FMW Posted January 19, 2023 Posted January 19, 2023 I agree with basil67, I'm not sure there's anything to discuss, at least at this time. Is it something that's going to cause a problem for you (since your thread title references ego)? Unless she brings it up or does something to indicate it's an issue for her, work through any ego issues you have by talking with a trusted friend. 1
Author Otter2569 Posted January 19, 2023 Author Posted January 19, 2023 1 hour ago, basil67 said: She's probably got an idea of what you earn. But if she's dating you, then she's obviously OK with it. So is there really anything to discuss? I don't see this being an issue in our relationship but I have to admit that disclosing that I make so much less than her is humbling in some respects.
Weezy1973 Posted January 19, 2023 Posted January 19, 2023 52 minutes ago, Otter2569 said: I don't see this being an issue in our relationship but I have to admit that disclosing that I make so much less than her is humbling in some respects. Yes, it probably isn’t a problem for her but might be for you and your ego. Really it’s 2022 so women making more than their male partners should be just as normal as the other way around.
Ami1uwant Posted January 19, 2023 Posted January 19, 2023 1 hour ago, Otter2569 said: I don't see this being an issue in our relationship but I have to admit that disclosing that I make so much less than her is humbling in some respects. Assuming she knows an idea of your income….it’s likely not an issue to her because she probably respects your career as a professional. if she got into this career because of investing in grad school so she a bunch of debt to pay off right now dhe probably looks at you as equals where you might each have similar disposable income right now. you can indirectly bring this up through indirect questions like ehst house to live in, onr interests they have, or lifestyle thry want. 1
BaileyB Posted January 19, 2023 Posted January 19, 2023 1 hour ago, Otter2569 said: I don't see this being an issue in our relationship but I have to admit that disclosing that I make so much less than her is humbling in some respects. That’s for you to come to terms with, not her. I agree with basil, she likely has some idea what you earn and she has likely dated other men who have earned less than her in the past. This isn’t new for her, just for you. 1
basil67 Posted January 19, 2023 Posted January 19, 2023 1 hour ago, Otter2569 said: I don't see this being an issue in our relationship but I have to admit that disclosing that I make so much less than her is humbling in some respects. Our self esteem should be about far more than what we earn. If you have that confidence in yourself, don't let a lower income bring you down 1 1
glows Posted January 19, 2023 Posted January 19, 2023 In what context does this need to be discussed? Unless you’re both planning to live together there’s no need to discuss income, in my opinion. I’m curious where you were going with this. You mentioned she lives a “normal lifestyle” yet this also sounds quite new. Take your time and date a little longer. You’re dating for compatibility and similarities in core values. How you live, choose to spend your money, what either of you endorse or believe in will become more apparent in time through your hobbies and interests. Focus on these key points and compatibilities. If you are ever one household with this person your finances are shared or expenses split according to your income. Does she show initiative planning and paying for some dates or is it resting solely on you? Do you share the cost of your trips, activities and dates?
JTSW Posted January 19, 2023 Posted January 19, 2023 Why do you need an income discussion? What purpose will this serve? You both have good jobs and earn so what's the problem?
Author Otter2569 Posted January 19, 2023 Author Posted January 19, 2023 6 hours ago, basil67 said: Our self esteem should be about far more than what we earn. If you have that confidence in yourself, don't let a lower income bring you down Totally agree. I make a comfortable living and have never given it a second thought...until now and that is only because there is such a huge difference.
Weezy1973 Posted January 19, 2023 Posted January 19, 2023 13 minutes ago, Otter2569 said: Totally agree. I make a comfortable living and have never given it a second thought...until now and that is only because there is such a huge difference. Would you be comfortable dating or being in a relationship with someone that made half your income?
Author Otter2569 Posted January 19, 2023 Author Posted January 19, 2023 39 minutes ago, JTSW said: Why do you need an income discussion? What purpose will this serve? You both have good jobs and earn so what's the problem? Great questions. She was recently out with her BFF. Our relationship is essentially mirroring that of her BFFs: successful businesswoman out of a long-term marriage meets and falls for a younger guy (I am only two months younger). BFF marries and only learns of this guys income, which is much lower than hers, when they file their taxes. BFF has been happily married for years but is working longer than planned in order to retire debt free. This came on the heels of a conversation we just had about where we would live if we ever decided to move in together. So no real purpose other than coincidence and timing.
basil67 Posted January 19, 2023 Posted January 19, 2023 8 minutes ago, Otter2569 said: Great questions. She was recently out with her BFF. Our relationship is essentially mirroring that of her BFFs: successful businesswoman out of a long-term marriage meets and falls for a younger guy (I am only two months younger). BFF marries and only learns of this guys income, which is much lower than hers, when they file their taxes. BFF has been happily married for years but is working longer than planned in order to retire debt free. This came on the heels of a conversation we just had about where we would live if we ever decided to move in together. So no real purpose other than coincidence and timing. And what is your girlfriend's view of this?
Author Otter2569 Posted January 19, 2023 Author Posted January 19, 2023 11 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said: Would you be comfortable dating or being in a relationship with someone that made half your income? I have been there and yes I would. If I were in my 20s, 30s or even 40s it wouldn't be a second thought. Admittedly, since retirement is in my five year plan, I would be interested to know if they've saved for retirement and are financially responsible because of the impact it could have on my future plans.
Author Otter2569 Posted January 19, 2023 Author Posted January 19, 2023 5 minutes ago, basil67 said: And what is your girlfriend's view of this? My impression is that GF is hopeful and wants to be with someone that makes her happy. Her friends relationship is a great example of this. Well maybe not BFF working longer than planned but definitely the great spouse/partner/happiness piece. 1
BaileyB Posted January 19, 2023 Posted January 19, 2023 2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said: Would you be comfortable dating or being in a relationship with someone that made half your income? My brother is the president of a company and his wife is an admin assistant. I bet she makes 1/4 of his salary - they seem to do just fine.
BaileyB Posted January 19, 2023 Posted January 19, 2023 1 hour ago, Otter2569 said: My impression is that GF is hopeful and wants to be with someone that makes her happy. This may be worth it’s weight in gold to her. Don’t underestimate this - she is likely very aware that there are a limited number of men who earn what she earns so she’s not looking for a top earner - perhaps she wants to find a life partner. The only time that I see this being a problem is if she has big plans for travel, retirement, etc… I’m that case, she will need to finance some of the trips or she will need to find someone who can afford the lifestyle she plans to lead. I would be asking questions about future plans - what is her plan? Based on what you’ve said, it may be quite reasonable. That would be my only real concern. 3
ZA Dater Posted January 19, 2023 Posted January 19, 2023 I think possibly this is one of those situation where if it does not itch then do not scratch. Not sure what you are hoping to accomplish by talking about income, unless you are planning a big capital purchase? I reckon you need to be comfortable in your own skin and just accept the situation but on some level I get why it could be an issue, especially if you feel obligated to stretch yourself to thing which you really cannot afford. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted January 19, 2023 Posted January 19, 2023 The discussion you need to have is with yourself. Can you feel like an equal and a prize partner making less than she makes? Sure, some women have the fantasy of a guy making more. A lot of women have the fantasy of being with a great person and partner! And they think good partners can have a range of incomes. Frankly among the many women I've met and talked to, their key worry when making more money is that their partner isn't a lazy bum, or a drag on them. Their worst fear is having a partner that tears them down, doesn't support them emotionally. Or who resents their achievements and money. As said earlier, your partner likely knows what you make within $10K. She's an executive and sharp--dude, she knows exactly how much you make based on your profession and location and time in the profession in all of that (and on the way you dress, how you live, where you do or do not travel to and on and on). She's much more focused on your mood, how much you enjoy your profession, your life energy, how much fun you are with her and on and on and on. When you guys get really close then start reading about different arrangements for bill paying and so on that couples have when they have very different salaries. And get clear on what kind of arrangement you want, that feels fair and good to you. You will need to be brutally honest! But that's later, it seems to me.
Wiseman2 Posted January 19, 2023 Posted January 19, 2023 14 hours ago, Otter2569 said: I am dating a woman who makes possibly double what I earn. This is going to come up sooner or later and I'd like to handle it tactfully. This may be one of those "cross that bridge when you get to it" situations. Perhaps when it comes up such as planning a vacation or something where budgets may be discussed. 1
Els Posted January 19, 2023 Posted January 19, 2023 I don't think it's necessary to have that discussion unless you two are at the stage where you're planning to move in together. Also, worth noting that for many people, income is rarely static. One or both of you could change jobs, get a promotion, etc. In a LTR, both people's incomes will eventually fluctuate in relation to each other. As long as you are solidly employed and able to support yourself, I wouldn't worry about it. 2
Ami1uwant Posted January 19, 2023 Posted January 19, 2023 I’m a guy. owouldnt have an issue in dating someone making more than me. It has a lot to do to what profession you choose, not some ingrained superiority. thr issue has bern talked about often with the woman, especially after a divorce become a maintains a lifestyle thry I,e if thst means buying very expensive things. with men they can have an issue mentally in the area of roles snd being the bread winner/ provider
MsJayne Posted January 19, 2023 Posted January 19, 2023 It can become a problem when doing things like, for instance, travelling together. Like if she can afford the five star accommodation but you can't. I've been in this situation and I admit I resented the fact that we had to stay at less expensive places so my partner could afford it. I never wanted to offer to pay the difference so we could go five star because I felt that was demeaning to him, and even though I was OK with down-grading to accommodate his lower income, it wasn't something I would have accepted long-term. If I hadn't grown up in such a patriarchal, (misogynistic and sexist), background I may have viewed it differently, but in a world where men frequently treat women as lesser beings there is no way I would financially prop one up unless I wanted to grind his ego to dust. It's not just dating scenarios that are affected, in the long-term if you were planning a future together it could become a huge issue. But, I come from an older generation, maybe younger people view these things differently.
Weezy1973 Posted January 19, 2023 Posted January 19, 2023 Also income does not always mean disposable income. She might have more debt or expenses than you. Regardless, I wouldn’t worry about it.
Recommended Posts