Letter to my husband.....

[jen78nc]

Here is a letter I have written to my husband. I havent given it to him yet. I would just like to know if Im getting my point across.. I just added in the OW for posting on this board..

 

Well I have found out that you are emailing OW and I have been reading your emails to her. I have found out a lot of things. I have read the emails saying that hearing from her brightens your day and it makes the time go by quicker when you hear from her. I have read that you are having dreams about her and that you hope you are able to see her sometime soon. I tried to forget about these emails and tell myself that you two are just friends, but then I read an email that you sent saying that you lay in bed thinking about her and I have had just about enough of this now. You flat out lied to me and told me that you were not talking to her through email, and that you didn’t even know her new email address. But I found out her new email address and see that you have been talking to her often. So after finding out about this, I think back to years ago, when you and her were emailing each other and you were telling her you loved her. I never really got over that and we didn’t really resolve anything with the situation back then.

 

I really don’t understand why you’ve continued to talk to her even though you know how much it bothers me. By you continuing to talk to her it gives me the message that you don’t care about our marriage or how I am feeling. Why is it so important for you to talk to her when you know it makes me miserable? Yes, it has made me paranoid and suspicious, but it looks like my instincts were right. There is something going on, not physically, but emotionally, and I don’t know if it would eventually lead to something more. Im not sure why our son and I aren’t enough for you, and you seem to need something from OW that I can’t give you. I wish you would explain it to me. I thought we were a happy family but I guess you aren’t happy with our life for some reason. I just think if you could manage to be honest with me and stop lying to me, things would be a lot better for us.

 

Your lying over the years really makes me so upset with you and sometimes I feel hopeless. You’ve put me through hell. I don’t think things can ever be like they use to be between us, and I don’t know if I can ever really trust you again. I don’t know what to do anymore. I just know that I can’t go through my life putting up with your lies, and always being suspicious of everything you’re doing. It is no way to live. I have asked you to stop talking to her before when you were telling her that you loved her, and you didn’t do it, so obviously our relationship wasn’t important enough to you then, and I don’t know if its important enough now for you to do that.

 

I am going to tell you what I need from you in order for me to stay in our marriage. Im not going to make any promises about the future, but I am willing to work with you to see if we can somehow fix things. This doesn’t mean that I will go back to the way things were. I wont accept your lying to me anymore. I want you to at least admit what you have done and take responsibility for it. I want you to realize how much you have hurt me by your relationship with OW. I am going to give you a list of what I need from you, and I will not compromise on any of it.

 

1. You have to stop talking to OW completely. I mean end all contact with her. I don’t trust you with her at all.

2. We need to go to counseling. I think we need to find out what is wrong in our marriage to make you do this.

3. You have to commit to being with me and no one else. (emotionally or physically)

4. You have to work with me to rebuild our marriage with honesty and trust.

 

If you want us to stay together, the lies absolutely have to stop. I don’t think I deserve to be with someone who is constantly lying to me and I won’t put up with it anymore. I have put up with it too long already. I know that OW is a good friend of yours, but things have just gone too far between the two of you. You are going to have to decide what is more important, continuing to talk to OW or being with me. The choice is yours. I just want you to understand how serious I am about this.

[allaboutchoices]

Sounds clear to me, but I am a woman.

I just don't understand why you stay with him if he's been hurting you so much.

I wish you good luck, I hope things work out for the best!

[jen78nc]

I guess I just want us to be able to work things out. I do still love him for some reason..

[leighmc]

Even if he agrees with your list of things, will you ever fully trust him?

 

For me, once the trust is gone, there isn't much anybody can say or do to make me trust them again.

 

Maybe you are more trusting then me but I think I would always wonder what he was doing when he walked out the door and I wouldn't want to live that way.

[jen78nc]

I dont know if I can ever trust him again, but I hope so..

[OldEurope]

I just do not understand women who put up with all kinds of affairs and abuse and then whimper mouse-like..."But I love him!"

 

That is not love, that is emotional or co-dependency. Too many people confuse the two. There is no love without strong respect, self or toward another, period.

 

My advice? Save your breath and your paper, and leave until he comes to YOU with what HE imagines he'll do to save the marriage.

[Art_Critic]

I think letters like these go in one ear and out the other and just either thrown away or put away..

 

Sit him down and have a heart to heart face to face with him and tell him the same things you have written..

I think the words will have the most impact by doing that.

 

This didn't have to do with infidelity but when I was married my then wife wrote me a 3 page letter explaining I don't know what ..

I just read it it.. and put it in my desk..

About a year later when I filed for divorce it got sent to the attorney as a piece of evidence to show how crazy she was.. She did that twice and each letter was used as evidence against her.

[Ladyjane14]

In my best Wicked Witch of the West......"These things must be done delicateleeeeyy!".

 

You're moving waaayyy too fast. He's not going anywhere yet. You've got time to get a plan, and to get that plan in action.

 

You haven't even read the book you ordered yet.

 

I haven't got time for a long post this morning, but the short version is....you're pulling out the BIG GUNS and haven't used your small ones yet.

 

The ultimatum is a tool of LAST RESORT. It's not the best place to begin, and it's NEVER a bluff. The relationship work needs to be accomplished first.

 

I would recommend reading the book you've ordered, as well as ones having to do with Emotional Needs, like His Needs/Her Needs by Harley or The Five Love Languages by Chapman.

 

No big relationship talk yet. Start fulfilling ENs first. There is a REASON why this friendship is so important to him. You need to find out what that reason is. He's not likely to tell you, even if he knows it himself.

 

Don't give up your inside information yet. If he finds out you're reading his email....he'll take this emotional affair underground. You can afford to be a little more cagey.

 

Right now, confrontation will only weaken your position. You'll look insecure and controlling. There's plenty of time. So, you can afford to move slowly with more intent concerning your ultimate goal.

[jen78nc]

Thanks everyone.. I am not planning on sending this letter to him anytime soon. I just wanted to write it up. Ladyjane, I think your post was interesting. I would like to find out why his friendship with her is so important but how do I find this out? Thanks for your help !

[glittergurl]

Awww Jen, I feel for you. The letter is very clear.

[Yikes]

Your letter sounds like a few that I wrote to my wife. It did not go well in my case, she continued to lie and continued to cheat. All it accomplished was she became more careful and covered her tracks better... but not good enough. She's now history and I am glad of it. I have yet to meet someone new, but I'd rather be on my own and alone, than take that crap.

 

Maybe your letter will serve as a wake up call. I hope it will. Don't let anyone treat you wth disrespect - that is a terrible example to set for your little one. You also do not want to waste years with someone like that, you may miss out on another who will truly love and respect you.

 

Good luck.

[Trimmer]

Jen -

 

I think it is well written and clear, and it really resonates with me - not that it matches the exact details of my situation, but certainly in the sentiment towards a wayward spouse who doesn't seem to put the importance on your relationship that you thought was there at one time, and the anguish of questioning what you once counted on.

 

I respect LadyJane's comments, and I think they have merit, although I think there can be fine lines between communicating your honest feelings and seeming insecure; between being controlling and taking a stand. I like that you are ready to take a stand for yourself - you deserve that - but I will agree with LadyJane that you should proceed delicately, if your ultimate goal - your ideal outcome - would be to preserve and strengthen your marriage. On one hand, you probably hope that an ultimatum would shake him up to realize how serious this situation is; on the other hand, doing it too forcefully could back him into a corner at a time when we already hypothesize that he isn't receptive to thinking objectively about the situation and your feelings. Are you ready to flip a coin, and walk away from your marriage if it comes up heads?

 

Along with doing some of the reading that LJ suggests, what would you think about going to an indivudual counselor yourself for a few sessions, and at some point letting your H know that you are doing it? This does several things - it gives you someone to talk to face-to-face about it, and it "ups the ante" with your husband, perhaps sending him an honest signal that things are more serious than he might be taking them, without getting to the point of sending an ultimatum and immediately backing him into a corner.

 

I know that when my wife first spoke the words 'thinking of going to a counselor' it was a huge wakeup call for me (unfortunately I later learned that the voice at the other end of the line was saying "I'm actually leaving you", but nonetheless, hearing the counselor issue really got my attention, big time...) This might be a way of gently raising the importance of the issue, without getting too extreme right off.

 

I welcome comments...

[lilmoma1973]

I feel for you and all i can say is he is going to have to break all ties with the OW whether they have been friends for a life time .. Your friendship should be enough that he wouldn't need her..I think he is still seeing her and still isn't over her or he would have cut all ties with her!!! You don't deserve how you are being treated you deserve someone who wants you and not someone else and your have to think of what is best for your child!! He can't have his cake and eat it too!! If it was my h he would be gone !!! I think you are in denial and he wont leave her alone till you leave and make him realize !!! Good luck

[jen78nc]

I think leaving may be what it will take to get him to stop talking to her. Its not what I want to do but im not sure there are any other options.

[Trimmer]

Jen:

 

I'll make one more pitch for a counselor first. You may decide to leave for a while at some point later, but I still think the counselor thing may have a chance of getting his attention first. Even if you still end up leaving later, you'll have a chance to get your thoughts and feelings straight, etc... What do you think?

[lust4life]

Why wouldn't you get that to him asap. He is having an affair and that needs to stop. Send the letter/email. Also, email her and tell her you will also be holding her accountable also.

[Ladyjane14]

I would like to find out why his friendship with her is so important but how do I find this out? Thanks for your help !

 

The books mentioned above will help you alot. You'll be able to identify his ENs (emotional needs) far more effectively, when you know what you're looking for.

 

In order to be content with our partners, there are things we want, and there are things we need. These things vary from person to person, but the end result is that when our truest needs are being met.....we're happy campers in regards to our primary relationship.

 

Now, it's important to understand that NO ONE can meet ALL their partner's needs. But most of us could do a better job in that particular area....IF we take the time to find out what those needs are.

 

As an example, one of my husband's needs is for conversation. There have been times when I wasn't listening to him enough, and I wasn't giving him Words of Affirmation, (you'll see that phrase mentioned in The Five Love Languages).

 

Words of Affirmation, simply put...is just a matter of complimenting your partner. By not giving him conversation, and not letting him know that I think he's special.....I wasn't fulfilling that need.

 

Of course, he wasn't sitting around thinking to himself, "Gee, I wish my wife would compliment me more.":p Nope, what he was actually thinking is, "Gee, my wife is a stone cold bitch who doesn't care anything about me.":eek:

 

It's pretty normal for people to get REALLY negative when they aren't having their ENs met, particularly when they haven't got a clue as to what their own needs are. They sometimes don't know exactly what it is that they're lacking. They just know they're not getting it. They feel the void in the relationship where something better ought to be.

 

If everyone knew what their own ENs were, they could simply ASK for their partner's help. In a close and loving relationship, most people would be more than glad to comply. It's so much easier to get your own needs met when you're meeting your partner's. Because your partner's love tank is then FULL. He's got alot more love to give since he's not suffering from an emotional shortage.

 

Unfortunately, most people don't learn much about relationships....until they have a full-blown state of marital crisis. So, ENs are not getting met for either party. They haven't even been identified.

 

Enter.....other woman, who hangs on his every word, and makes him feel really special. NOW you've got trouble. She could be meeting a need for conversation, or a need for feminine admiration. She could be meeting a need for flaunting authority, in the form of rejecting the perceived controls of his family obligation (YOU). You won't know what he's getting out of this...until you investigate it further. The Dr. Phil-ism, "What's the payoff?" would definately apply though.

 

I'm not suggesting that you hide your concern from your husband. He needs to know how you feel, of course. But I have a feeling from reading your posts that he probably ALREADY knows your opinion regarding his "friend" anyway. He's just downplaying it.

 

What I'm suggesting is that you study him in the context of defining his ENs, and when you have a pretty good idea what they are....you start meeting them consistantly.

 

The idea here is that BEFORE you threaten to bring his house down....you show him what a nice house he's actually living in. The ultimatum of LAST RESORT will be a whole lot more effective when he can see EXACTLY what he stands to lose. A terrific, loving partner who is meeting most of your ENs and keeping your "love tank" pretty full....is hard to give up. A nagging, crying partner who is "trying to tell you what to do" and making you feel bad about yourself....is not.

 

His "friend" is meeting some of his ENs. That's why he's holding onto her, even though he KNOWS it's pissing you off. Your mission is to find out which ones....and then to REPLACE HER. And of course, to do it before you blow the lid off.

 

He WILL tell you what he's getting out of this....if you ask him just right. But you'll need to improve the communications between the two of you, so he feels a bit more safe in sharing his feelings. You'll need time to do that, so....on the one hand, talking about the 'state of the relationship' can be beneficial, IF it's low-key and comfortable. On the other hand, BIG 'relationship talk' can push you into an emotionally-charged confrontation. That will increase the difficulty level of getting your answers.

 

It's hard to get a gameplan together, when your own feelings are hurting. But if your marriage is in crisis....it's no time to lose your head. You'll have to be a little thick-skinned at times, no doubt about it. But that's so much easier to do, when you have the ultimate goal of saving the marriage firmly in mind at all times.

 

You WILL feel like a schmuck sometimes....like you're doing all the relationship work and he's just sucking it up like an overgrown sponge. But over the course of time, you'll begin to notice that he's starting to reciprocate little by little. And after awhile, you'll get more comfortable with asking him to meet a few more of your ENs.

 

Like dumping his "friend".

 

Your marriage will grow stronger, and long after this particular crisis has passed....you'll still have these tools to work with.

 

All that said, keep in mind that you are NOT a doormat. You can stand up for your beliefs, and you can define your boundaries. But you do it using GOOD communications. And you continue to meet ENs all the while.

 

As long as he's firmly on your side of the fence, you continue to meet his ENs. Meeting your partner's emotional needs is an ACTIVE way of loving. And you don't withdraw your love if you're still feeling it in your heart. Not even when you're angry.

 

But should he ever jump down off the fence into OW's yard....that's a different story altogether. Thankfully, that's a bridge you don't have to cross just yet.

[jen78nc]

Thanks maryjane. I have been trying to get in touch with you but I cant send private messages and when I posted a message for you on this board, I think it was removed.. But I would like to talk with you more about EN. I think thats interesting. I would like to be able to find out what his EN's are. Thanks again

[Trimmer]

Jen:

 

Personal messaging doesn't get enabled on your account until you have more time on Loveshack - for a lot of us, it seemed to pop on at about 50 postings... This is a built-in check to ensure that interlopers can't sign up for fake accounts and immediately start abusing other folks...

[head/heels]

him that message....hopefully it will get through to him...but if not, you did what you could and you tried ...it is now on him...then you will have to make a decision...

[ddudeinohio]

I had an emotional affair with another woman. On the night that the whole situation blew up I ended up moving out and lived in a hotel for a week. I then got an apartment. The hardest thing was that I couldnt see my daughter. Thats what drove the whole thing home. She wanted to know why I was confiding in the other woman. For the longest time I could not answer that. Now I can. She was providing emotional support when the wife was not. The wife was spending most if not all of her free time with her friends and giving me little or nothing. The sad part of the whole thing is that I think that I fell in love with the other woman. I woke up and realized what I had done. I have since cut off all contact with the other woman, although she has tried to contact me numerous times. If the affair was not found out by the wife, the other woman and I would have done the physical act. We were very close to doing it anyway. I feel if the other woman were to show up when the wife is gone, it may still happen.

[sunflower1008]

I have since cut off all contact with the other woman, although she has tried to contact me numerous times.

 

Why did you cut off contact with the OW? Because your wife found out about your EA or because you're trying to work on your marriage? If you are living in an apartment, and not trying to work on your marriage, why not see the OW? This is interesting...