Odd 1st date in a while

[max3732]

Finally had a 1st date with someone in person (as opposed to virtual ones or phone calls). We had chatted a bit online first and she lives close to me, which is rare to find. I also found a few common interests that we were talking about online.

We met at a coffee shop and I got there 10 minutes early and she got there like 15 minutes late. She greeted me with a hug and kiss on the cheek and I opened the door for her and she walked in and up to the line to order. As we were walking I commented it was great to meet her and asked if she comes to this place a lot since she said she lives nearby. Just basic stuff. Then she orders and puts her credit card in the machine. When the barista asked if there was anything else I said something like "I can get both of ours" and mentioned what I wanted and she gave me a dirty look and said "I can pay for my own and wasn't planning on treating you" and wanted to make sure she wasn't charged for mine.

Normally on a 1st date shouldn't the man pay? I was kind of taken back by her attitude. Then right after this I mentioned I went to college nearby where we were and asked where she went and she said gave me a funny look and said she had already graduated. So I had to clarify I was asked where she went and asked about her job.

After that things went pretty well. She asked a lot of questions and gave me a chance to express myself and I think I showed some of my personality. I also asked her a lot of questions and tried to get some back and forth, but it didn't seem like she had much to say beyond her job. Hadn't traveled much, didn't have many hobbies, hadn't even tried many kinds of foods. So aside from the 1 topic we had talked about online didn't seem like we had much in common.

Based on all that I didn't ask her for a 2nd date.

What do you make of that whole experience with paying? I don't think I've ever not paid for the 1st date before and thought it would have been rude if I didn't at least offer. The whole process went so fast I did the best I could.

 

[Ami1uwant]

how were the conversations prior to meeting?

 

what kind of questions did you ask?what words did you choose?  If you asked what their fav food was and they don’t have one you don’t get a n answer.  You can instead ask what do you prefer.

 

if her travels were with ex bfs she probably didn’t want to bring this up.

Edited January 18, 2023 by Ami1uwant

[JTSW]

9 hours ago, max3732 said:

I can pay for my own and wasn't planning on treating you

Rather nasty response.

Leave this one alone.

Red flag are flying.

[Lamron300]

Not sure why she would respond like that and not just say 'that's fine I can get mine'. Dating can be awkward, it is just how things are.

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, max3732 said:

Based on all that I didn't ask her for a 2nd date.

Good call. There didn't seem to be a good connection if  something as simple as who's paying for coffee becomes a stumbling block.

[poppyfields]

14 hours ago, max3732 said:

Then she orders and puts her credit card in the machine. When the barista asked if there was anything else I said something like "I can get both of ours" and mentioned what I wanted and she gave me a dirty look and said "I can pay for my own and wasn't planning on treating you"

Ugh that is so rude!!  What is up with some chicks, geez!  

I hear this a lot not just from you @max.  Are people not being taught proper manners and social skills anymore? 

Next time simply respond "nevermind" excuse yourself and leave.

Don't waste time with rude people who lack good manners and the ability to be gracious.

Sorry max.

 

 

[FMW]

Views on paying vary widely.  The issue has been debated here on Loveshack a lot.  

I'm a woman, and I have always preferred to pay my own way when I was just getting to know the other person.  I however would not be offended if a man offered, and I most certainly would not have been rude.    

[poppyfields]

Max, wouid like to add this is not about her not wanting you to pay.  That part is fine, many women prefer paying for themselves on first meet. 

It was her attitude about it - the dirty look and her response saying she can pay for her own and not planning on paying for yours.

Who says this?  This is not the response of a kind gracious person regardless of whether she wanted to pay for herself or not.

Big fat NEXT.

[max3732]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Max, wouid like to add this is not about her not wanting you to pay.  That part is fine, many women prefer paying for themselves on first meet. 

It was her attitude about it - the dirty look and her response saying she can pay for her own and not planning on paying for yours.

Who says this?  This is not the response of a kind gracious person regardless of whether she wanted to pay for herself or not.

Big fat NEXT.

As far as I can remember I've paid for every 1st date I've been on in my life. It was just a bit awkward because it was different from when you're sitting at the table and get handed a check. She walked up to the counter and ordered and I thought I was being polite by offering to pay.

Like you said if she had politely declined it would have been one thing, but afterwards I was thinking "if looks could kill" as far as how she looked at me before she said what she did. 

Besides that she just seemed a bit defensive with sharing info, but otherwise seemed nice enough (and was pretty). We have 1 common interest that I'd love to have someone to discuss with, but I definitely think she's not right for me.

Next time I do a coffee date should I do anything differently? I was thinking maybe as we walk up I'll ask her what she wants and then ordering it or is there some more gracious way to find out if I should pay or if she's insisting on paying?  

[Calmandfocused]

I’m dying to know Op; did she apologise for being late? My guess is no! I bet that if she did apologise it was delivered with a dismissive, “who cares?” attitude. Am I right? 
 

Yep agree with others. “Bad manners” is the conclusion for this one.
 

Don’t worry about doing something different on your next coffee shop date. Most women wouldn’t conduct themselves like that even if they were insistent on paying for their drink. 
 

Just a word of advice: don’t put so much stock on “having things in common”. What you need to have in common is shared values and agendas. And you’re looking for “compatibility” and “fit”, and someone that compliments who you are. That doesn’t mean they have to be exactly like you. 
 

 

[max3732]

49 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

I’m dying to know Op; did she apologise for being late? My guess is no! I bet that if she did apologise it was delivered with a dismissive, “who cares?” attitude. Am I right? 
 

Yep agree with others. “Bad manners” is the conclusion for this one.
 

Don’t worry about doing something different on your next coffee shop date. Most women wouldn’t conduct themselves like that even if they were insistent on paying for their drink. 
 

Just a word of advice: don’t put so much stock on “having things in common”. What you need to have in common is shared values and agendas. And you’re looking for “compatibility” and “fit”, and someone that compliments who you are. That doesn’t mean they have to be exactly like you. 
 

 

Well I waited until the time we were supposed to meet and then sent her a text letting her know I was there and to let me know when she got there. She said something like "sorry, running a few minutes late". 

In person I recognized her when she walked towards the shop and I came up to her and all she said was "guess I don't have to text you now".

Any tips on how to recognize or attract "compatibility/fit" with my dating profile? Several sites give you prompts and I tried to answer them honeslty about my personality and values. 

[Ami1uwant]

31 minutes ago, max3732 said:

Well I waited until the time we were supposed to meet and then sent her a text letting her know I was there and to let me know when she got there. She said something like "sorry, running a few minutes late". 

In person I recognized her when she walked towards the shop and I came up to her and all she said was "guess I don't have to text you now".

Any tips on how to recognize or attract "compatibility/fit" with my dating profile? Several sites give you prompts and I tried to answer them honeslty about my personality and values. 

What is compatibility/ fit for you?

[Wiseman2]

53 minutes ago, max3732 said:

Any tips on how to recognize or attract "compatibility/fit" with my dating profile?  

Unfortunately there's no shortcut when it comes to meeting in person and getting a better sense of chemistry and compatibility. In fact perhaps rely less on profiles and pre-meeting chitchat and meet sooner rather than later.

This is a great example why. You thought on paper things were better, but in person it went downhill fast. So you did the right thing settling up a brief coffee meet. Not much time or money wasted.

Edited January 18, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Lotsgoingon]

You talk about the awkwardness-rudeness at the cash register. I see rudeness even before things have started.

You arrived 10 minutes early. She arrived 15 minutes late. Say what?  Did she apologize. I am not sure an apology would matter unless there were extraordinary circumstances. You don't want to turn on warmth before you clear up the bad energy around her late arrival. 

I have found it better to confront late people head on. I am a recovering late person. But even I at my latest worst wouldn't arrive 15 minutes late for a first date with someone.

Maybe she texted you ahead of time? Really, I think it would be smart to leave after 10 minutes unless she texted you. 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

She was certainly rude. It seems that several of the encounters that I've read from your threads seem to follow a similar pattern when it comes to the women that you encounter. I wonder if it has anything to do with the app you're using.

Edited January 19, 2023 by Alpacalia

[ShyViolet]

There's no rule "the man always pays", people have different opinions on that.  But I certainly think you should always offer to pay on a first date.

There's nothing wrong with the fact that she wanted to pay separately, but the way she acted was incredibly rude and weird.  Yeah definitely no second date for this one.

[max3732]

23 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You talk about the awkwardness-rudeness at the cash register. I see rudeness even before things have started.

You arrived 10 minutes early. She arrived 15 minutes late. Say what?  Did she apologize. I am not sure an apology would matter unless there were extraordinary circumstances. You don't want to turn on warmth before you clear up the bad energy around her late arrival. 

I have found it better to confront late people head on. I am a recovering late person. But even I at my latest worst wouldn't arrive 15 minutes late for a first date with someone.

Maybe she texted you ahead of time? Really, I think it would be smart to leave after 10 minutes unless she texted you. 

 

 

Well I waiting until the time or a few minutes after we were supposed to meet and then texted her and she said something like "sorry. Running late. Will be there soon." In person I don't think she apologized. What's funny is I live pretty close and got there 10 minutes early to make sure I had a chance to find a parking space. Plus in general I'd rather have extra time when I'm driving in case there's construction, a road is closed, etc.

Also I had originally asked if she could meet earlier and she said she might be a fun minutes late so I pushed it back 30 minutes and she said that time worked.

21 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

She was certainly rude. It seems that several of the encounters that I've read from your threads seem to follow a similar pattern when it comes to the women that you encounter. I wonder if it has anything to do with the app you're using.

I'm using several apps and have met these different women on different ones (Match, Bumble, and Hinge)

On 1/18/2023 at 4:50 PM, Ami1uwant said:

What is compatibility/ fit for you?

There are so many elements. Probably the main ones are:

1. How we interact/chemistry. I've met so many women with OLD who I feel like I'm just doing an interview with and we can't joke around and have fun. Like with this last one who I thought she'd bite my head off for offering to pay on the 1st date. I'm also more of a reserved person so I'm not going to be loud and get into people's faces or be the center of attention.

2. Politics/Values: I don't want to turn 50% of the people here against me and mention specifics or start a political discussion, but I'd really like to find someone who agrees with my basic views of right/wrong and shares the basics of what I'd want our kids to learn in school. I can't see how I could be with someone who sees the world in a completely different way than I do. Plus obviously from what I just said I want someone who wants to have kids.

3. Hobbies/Interests. If she wants to stay up late every night and go to wild and loud parties I'm not the guy for her. I like to go out to movies, plays, events and travel to fun locations and am really physically active/workout 5x a week and am competitive and sports, but also like board/video games, action movies, and hobbies like photography and cooking. So just having some of those things in common would be nice.

Not sure how to translate what I just wrote into anything on my profile

[Ami1uwant]

3 hours ago, max3732 said:

Well I waiting until the time or a few minutes after we were supposed to meet and then texted her and she said something like "sorry. Running late. Will be there soon." In person I don't think she apologized. What's funny is I live pretty close and got there 10 minutes early to make sure I had a chance to find a parking space. Plus in general I'd rather have extra time when I'm driving in case there's construction, a road is closed, etc.

Also I had originally asked if she could meet earlier and she said she might be a fun minutes late so I pushed it back 30 minutes and she said that time worked.

I'm using several apps and have met these different women on different ones (Match, Bumble, and Hinge)

There are so many elements. Probably the main ones are:

1. How we interact/chemistry. I've met so many women with OLD who I feel like I'm just doing an interview with and we can't joke around and have fun. Like with this last one who I thought she'd bite my head off for offering to pay on the 1st date. I'm also more of a reserved person so I'm not going to be loud and get into people's faces or be the center of attention.

2. Politics/Values: I don't want to turn 50% of the people here against me and mention specifics or start a political discussion, but I'd really like to find someone who agrees with my basic views of right/wrong and shares the basics of what I'd want our kids to learn in school. I can't see how I could be with someone who sees the world in a completely different way than I do. Plus obviously from what I just said I want someone who wants to have kids.

3. Hobbies/Interests. If she wants to stay up late every night and go to wild and loud parties I'm not the guy for her. I like to go out to movies, plays, events and travel to fun locations and am really physically active/workout 5x a week and am competitive and sports, but also like board/video games, action movies, and hobbies like photography and cooking. So just having some of those things in common would be nice.

Not sure how to translate what I just wrote into anything on my profile

most dating apps/sites  have politics/ religion filters.  I’ve said before— if you live in an area that is dominant by one political party that isn’t yours then you might have to either move or do a big inner exam on your be

iefs snd what us or isn’t worth fighting for.

 

interactions/ chemistry is tied to what kind of personality you might like. Have you thought about doing some personality matching sites like Eharmony?

 

 

[Alpacalia]

9 hours ago, max3732 said:

2. Politics/Values: I don't want to turn 50% of the people here against me and mention specifics or start a political discussion, but I'd really like to find someone who agrees with my basic views of right/wrong and shares the basics of what I'd want our kids to learn in school.

Is politics a topic of discussion on your dates?

A woman may find it difficult to date someone with a predetermined decision on what her children will learn in school. It isn't that you won't find like-minded people with similar views. It's just a matter of finding and connecting with compatible women that share your views.

On the surface, the interaction that you posted is rude on the part of this woman.

If you are finding yourself routinely interacting with rude people in general then it could be your location, your exchange with them, or something else. It's likely that there are good interactions going on, and we're just not hearing about it.

Edited January 20, 2023 by Alpacalia

[max3732]

6 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Is politics a topic of discussion on your dates?

A woman may find it difficult to date someone with a predetermined decision on what her children will learn in school. It isn't that you won't find like-minded people with similar views. It's just a matter of finding and connecting with compatible women that share your views.

On the surface, the interaction that you posted is rude on the part of this woman.

If you are finding yourself routinely interacting with rude people in general then it could be your location, your exchange with them, or something else. It's likely that there are good interactions going on, and we're just not hearing about it.

Politics usually doesn't come up on my 1st dates. It's come up on the few 2nd or 3rd dates and a lot of times we're not compatible. What kids learn in school has never come up. I think I just want basic parenting compatibility.

I've had some great interactions with women on dates as well. There was one I drove 45 minutes to see and made plans for a 2nd date that I thought I got along really well with who just ignored me after that. There are also other ones I've met who I got along with well but they're only here for a few months or already have kids or some other factor where it wouldn't work.

Wish there was something I could do on my profile or in person to meet the kinds of women I want   

[Alpacalia]

16 hours ago, max3732 said:

Politics usually doesn't come up on my 1st dates. It's come up on the few 2nd or 3rd dates and a lot of times we're not compatible. What kids learn in school has never come up. I think I just want basic parenting compatibility.

I've had some great interactions with women on dates as well. There was one I drove 45 minutes to see and made plans for a 2nd date that I thought I got along really well with who just ignored me after that. There are also other ones I've met who I got along with well but they're only here for a few months or already have kids or some other factor where it wouldn't work.

Wish there was something I could do on my profile or in person to meet the kinds of women I want   

In politics, people with more conservative views often experience friction with those whose outlook is more progressive or non-traditional. 

Having parenting compatibility. It would be wonderful if you found someone who shared your parenting style. There is perhaps something more valuable than learning what knowledge they must learn in school, and that is teaching your kids that they can count on each of you being there for them when things get tough, regardless of the lessons they must learn in school.

Oh, I see. Yes, online dating is not for the weak of heart. It's quite nerve-wracking.

Maybe for you it could be worth it to think about whether or not your preference is to meet someone in a specific environment. Do you feel more like yourself at Comic-Con or a garlic festival than you do at a bar or online? 

There are a lot of frustrations associated with online dating. There is a lot of rejection. Many are tired of all the bullshit, sex fiends, idiots, etc. It's sad that people don't hold themselves to a higher standard, and that the people others are rude to are strangers and there is no cost or repercussion to acting like a baby.

[Trail Blazer]

You've had some real duds, Max.  Sorry to hear, man.  Hopefully your luck turns around soon.

[Maldives]

On 1/18/2023 at 11:27 AM, max3732 said:

Finally had a 1st date with someone in person (as opposed to virtual ones or phone calls). We had chatted a bit online first and she lives close to me, which is rare to find. I also found a few common interests that we were talking about online.

We met at a coffee shop and I got there 10 minutes early and she got there like 15 minutes late. She greeted me with a hug and kiss on the cheek and I opened the door for her and she walked in and up to the line to order. As we were walking I commented it was great to meet her and asked if she comes to this place a lot since she said she lives nearby. Just basic stuff. Then she orders and puts her credit card in the machine. When the barista asked if there was anything else I said something like "I can get both of ours" and mentioned what I wanted and she gave me a dirty look and said "I can pay for my own and wasn't planning on treating you" and wanted to make sure she wasn't charged for mine.

Normally on a 1st date shouldn't the man pay? I was kind of taken back by her attitude. Then right after this I mentioned I went to college nearby where we were and asked where she went and she said gave me a funny look and said she had already graduated. So I had to clarify I was asked where she went and asked about her job.

After that things went pretty well. She asked a lot of questions and gave me a chance to express myself and I think I showed some of my personality. I also asked her a lot of questions and tried to get some back and forth, but it didn't seem like she had much to say beyond her job. Hadn't traveled much, didn't have many hobbies, hadn't even tried many kinds of foods. So aside from the 1 topic we had talked about online didn't seem like we had much in common.

Based on all that I didn't ask her for a 2nd date.

What do you make of that whole experience with paying? I don't think I've ever not paid for the 1st date before and thought it would have been rude if I didn't at least offer. The whole process went so fast I did the best I could.

 

Mate I see that as a blessing she did that not many would 

[max3732]

On 1/21/2023 at 2:49 AM, Alpacalia said:

In politics, people with more conservative views often experience friction with those whose outlook is more progressive or non-traditional. 

Having parenting compatibility. It would be wonderful if you found someone who shared your parenting style. There is perhaps something more valuable than learning what knowledge they must learn in school, and that is teaching your kids that they can count on each of you being there for them when things get tough, regardless of the lessons they must learn in school.

Oh, I see. Yes, online dating is not for the weak of heart. It's quite nerve-wracking.

Maybe for you it could be worth it to think about whether or not your preference is to meet someone in a specific environment. Do you feel more like yourself at Comic-Con or a garlic festival than you do at a bar or online? 

There are a lot of frustrations associated with online dating. There is a lot of rejection. Many are tired of all the bullshit, sex fiends, idiots, etc. It's sad that people don't hold themselves to a higher standard, and that the people others are rude to are strangers and there is no cost or repercussion to acting like a baby.

Definitely I'd feel more like myself at Comic-Con or a garlic festival than I would at a bar or online. I just went to a food festival and had a great time, but didn't see any single women. All I saw where families, teenagers, or older couples. I had a great conversations with some people there, but nothing comes of it and I end up a year older with nothing to show for it.

[mortensorchid]

I agree with all the above posters.  I have never once encountered someone who reacted that way.  I have encountered those who will not pay for my meal / drink.  Or they will say something like "I already ate before I got here", I know this is doomed to failure.  You were planning on paying for her coffee which was the courteous and right thing for you to do in this situation.  But if and when you encounter some hostility like she showed about this, don't bother with her.  That was your first indication that she was "not right" - as in not right in the head not as in not right for you.  

Just move on.  I have had more bad internet dates than I can count anymore, but I don't let it get me down.  There were times that I left a bad internet date then went grocery shopping or to get a meal that I planned on eating with this idiot.  And I chant to myself while doing said shopping or standing in line "Forget his name".  And lo and behold, I forget his name and never hear a word from him again.  Do the same with this woman.