Lotsgoingon Posted January 15, 2023 Share Posted January 15, 2023 True story: A guy I grew up with got married. I knew his mother. One day his mother tells my mother that the guy's wife complains that he doesn't work, that he doesn't have a job. This had been going on for years--the guy not working except for little projects here and there. So here is the mom of the guy to my mom: "His wife complains he's not working. Well he wasn't working before they got married." Let me tell you: marrying someone who acts stupid (lazy, selfish, lets you pay, doesn't ask his mother for a thing even though your dad shells out thousands)--marrying someone who acts like that only sends the signal to the person that he doesn't have to change after you get married. There is no embarrassment changing your mind--well there is some, but that embarrassment will pale in comparison with the embarrassment you will feel with having married a selfish, clueless, immature jerk. You'll hide his behavior from friends, you'll clean it up with coworkers. If you have children, you'll try to cover his clueless in front of the children. And here's the thing: this kind of guy could very easily have an affair on you. He won't be appreciative. He's just limited in thinking and awareness. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 15, 2023 Share Posted January 15, 2023 2 hours ago, basil67 said: you're both in your 30's and apparently both earning well. There is no reason to have thought there would be a contribution from his parents. If this is true, there’s no reason to think that there would be a contribution from either parents. Really. That said, parents usually like to do something. Bride’s parents buy the wedding gown. Or, brides parents buy the food/reception and grooms parents pay for the alcohol. Or bride’s parents contribute to the wedding and groom’s parents throw a pre-wedding reception dinner. It’s a conversation, the problem here is that he can’t participate in the conversation because a) he has so much debt that he can’t afford a wedding and b) he can’t have the conversation with his parents because he already owes them money. Why you have decided to forge ahead with this wedding is beyond me. You are not exactly starting off your marriage in a positive way and I would not want to be responsible or for his debt/whatever future debt he will incur. Tough spot to be. You obviously don’t want to cancel but I wouldn’t want to go forward… Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted January 15, 2023 Share Posted January 15, 2023 (edited) [ ] Once you're married, his $40,000 debt and growing [may] become your debt. Edited January 16, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator legalities vary from place to place 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 15, 2023 Share Posted January 15, 2023 (edited) 40 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: True story: A guy I grew up with got married. I knew his mother. One day his mother tells my mother that the guy's wife complains that he doesn't work, that he doesn't have a job. This had been going on for years--the guy not working except for little projects here and there. So here is the mom of the guy to my mom: "His wife complains he's not working. Well he wasn't working before they got married." True story, something similar happened to someone I know. They married and had two kids, he worked short contracts here and there but never held a steady job for any length of time. She finally divorced him - his parents paid for his lawyer and he got half of the value of the home and half of their belongings… all things that “they” bought with her earnings. I remember her saying, they walked through the house and he said “I want the table” to which she said, the table that I bought!! What’s more, because he had no income she owed him spousal support! She and her two kids lived with her parents for years because she couldn’t afford to pay spousal support and live independently. (Thankfully, their children were in their late teens so there was no child support). She is finally back on her feet, she bought a cute little house but she will be working for years because he was entitled to half of her retirement savings. Edited January 15, 2023 by BaileyB 1 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted January 15, 2023 Share Posted January 15, 2023 Wow, great example @BaileyB. The thing is yes, the OP will end up working harder outside of home and being the responsible one. Her health may suffer as a consequence, and this is the type of guy who wouldn't be a good caretaker. You got to have imagination and some real maturity to be a loving caretaker. OP, I worry you're going to be tired all the time and angry at your partner. You'll end up hiding money from him in order to protect it. If you don't hide some savings, he may spend it on things you don't approve of. Imagine OP that you're the hardworking one and the one keeping up with money and paying the bills and now imagine your partner doesn't improve. You push the family two steps forward. He'll pull you two steps back. And you'll want to scream. Money conflicts occur to some degree in all partnerships, but they occur on a continuum. OP, you would have serious money problems with this guy, and with your partner, you won't respect his thinking. That's the pain. You won't respect his thinking at all. Doesn't matter if you've paid thousands already for the wedding. You don't want to go forward simply because you have spent money. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 16, 2023 Share Posted January 16, 2023 This is a complete recipe for disaster. Don't marry into this OP because he's showing no signs of putting his issues right. He's happy to go along with everyone paying for him. You may loose money if you cancel but that is the case either way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CollinW Posted January 19, 2023 Share Posted January 19, 2023 Does he think the cost of the wedding is the responsibility of the parents of the bride? I had a friend who theoretically believed paying for anything significant wasn't their responsibility. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted January 19, 2023 Share Posted January 19, 2023 1 hour ago, CollinW said: Does he think the cost of the wedding is the responsibility of the parents of the bride? I had a friend who theoretically believed paying for anything significant wasn't their responsibility. That would be a pretty ridiculous belief to have in 2023, but even if it were true, it doesn't explain the dude's massive debt and terrible spending habits. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 19, 2023 Share Posted January 19, 2023 1 hour ago, Els said: That would be a pretty ridiculous belief to have in 2023, but even if it were true, it doesn't explain the dude's massive debt and terrible spending habits. And the way he spends will be her problem as well in the future - because it will affect her negatively when she ends up paying to keep up with the obligations while he spends on frivolous things. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts