Had a fight with fiancé about him not contributing financially to our wedding

[Worried32]

This has been building for months with me. I am getting married in March and my fiancé is terrible with money and has a large debt which I’ve always known. We have had many discussions and arguments about it and he still hasn’t changed his spending habits. We are at the stage where he hasn’t been able to contribute financially at all to our wedding. My dad was always giving me a large some which could cover most and I have savings myself but was hoping to not use all that as we need saving. His parents offered to let them know if we need a hand. He hasn’t asked them because I found out he hasn’t paid them back for money they loaned him for a car. So I’ve had to fill the gaps myself and ask my dad for a little more. His parents haven’t given us any money at all or enquired about what is going on. I’m annoyed about that but I get maybe they’re waiting for him to ask. Last night we were at a family function and his mum made a cake he loves. Someone said you should get your mum to make it for the wedding and I said to him you can if you like! He said na I don’t want to burden them. This is the day after I had to ask my dad for thousands and I’ve seen red at him not wanting to burden his mum for a cake. I’ve gone through so much stress over money trying to make to work, not get too much money off my dad while him and his family have contributed nothing. I lost my temper at him at the end of the night and said I know you didn’t mean it like that but that comment just annoyed me when I literally just asked my dad for money. It’s so hard because I know he feels ashamed and embarrassed but it’s also but a lot of strain on me too. I feel like the worst person in the world and I should’ve just shut up so it didn’t ruin my wedding. Am I a bad person?

[glows]

How do your parents feel about the wedding? It sounds stressful. Is this something you see improving after you’re married or do you also see a lifetime of financial trouble? 

[Worried32]

5 minutes ago, glows said:

How do your parents feel about the wedding? It sounds stressful. Is this something you see improving after you’re married or do you also see a lifetime of financial trouble? 

My parents were happy to pay. My dad doesn’t know about his debt. I was just trying to do the right thing by my parents too I guess and not just be like oh it’s ok dad will pay but I also feel so bad about my fiancé and that he feels ashamed 

Edited January 15, 2023 by Worried32

[glows]

How do you both plan to pay these debts? Is your partner employed? Where does he spend his money? Do you know?

What would it look like if you cancelled the wedding? Would you be able to recover some of those funds and give it back to your dad? 

[Worried32]

12 minutes ago, glows said:

How do you both plan to pay these debts? Is your partner employed? Where does he spend his money? Do you know?

What would it look like if you cancelled the wedding? Would you be able to recover some of those funds and give it back to your dad? 

Yea he is employed. He earns more than me and money is wasted on everyday things. 
 

we would lose 60% to cancel

[Worried32]

1 hour ago, Worried32 said:

This has been building for months with me. I am getting married in March and my fiancé is terrible with money and has a large debt which I’ve always known. We have had many discussions and arguments about it and he still hasn’t changed his spending habits. We are at the stage where he hasn’t been able to contribute financially at all to our wedding. My dad was always giving me a large some which could cover most and I have savings myself but was hoping to not use all that as we need saving. His parents offered to let them know if we need a hand. He hasn’t asked them because I found out he hasn’t paid them back for money they loaned him for a car. So I’ve had to fill the gaps myself and ask my dad for a little more. His parents haven’t given us any money at all or enquired about what is going on. I’m annoyed about that but I get maybe they’re waiting for him to ask. Last night we were at a family function and his mum made a cake he loves. Someone said you should get your mum to make it for the wedding and I said to him you can if you like! He said na I don’t want to burden them. This is the day after I had to ask my dad for thousands and I’ve seen red at him not wanting to burden his mum for a cake. I’ve gone through so much stress over money trying to make to work, not get too much money off my dad while him and his family have contributed nothing. I lost my temper at him at the end of the night and said I know you didn’t mean it like that but that comment just annoyed me when I literally just asked my dad for money. It’s so hard because I know he feels ashamed and embarrassed but it’s also but a lot of strain on me too. I feel like the worst person in the world and I should’ve just shut up so it didn’t ruin my wedding. Am I a bad person?

I think another thing that has annoyed me is that he has never really said gee that’s good of your parents. Even after he knew I went and asked for the money. I went there without him to spare him the awkward money talk and when I get back I would’ve liked him to say how good of them it is. He has said he feels bad and in hindsight he would be grateful and probably hasn’t said much due to being embarrassed but I feel he could’ve recognised how good they’re being to us. I started to wonder if he really appreciated it

[ExpatInItaly]

This isn't really about the weddings costs, in and of themselves. 

You two have completely opposite appraoches to finances, money management, and frankly, general adult responsibility. This is going to affect your marriage, long after the cake crumbs have been swept away and the champagne glasses drained. 

Life is full of expensive hurdles and suprises, and financial obligations. If he doesn't change his approach and quit spending wastefully and accumulating debt, you are looking at a lifetime of financial problems, resentment towards him and constantly needing to borrow from Peter to pay Paul. I would seriously get into both couple's therapy and financial counselling. Your marriage will be doomed from the start if you don't. 

[Worried32]

16 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This isn't really about the weddings costs, in and of themselves. 

You two have completely opposite appraoches to finances, money management, and frankly, general adult responsibility. This is going to affect your marriage, long after the cake crumbs have been swept away and the champagne glasses drained. 

Life is full of expensive hurdles and suprises, and financial obligations. If he doesn't change his approach and quit spending wastefully and accumulating debt, you are looking at a lifetime of financial problems, resentment towards him and constantly needing to borrow from Peter to pay Paul. I would seriously get into both couple's therapy and financial counselling. Your marriage will be doomed from the start if you don't. 

You’re right. The comment triggered a broader problem for me and there has been some resentment building because I’m the only one who has foresight to see how his spending habits will affect us, particularly when we have kids. I worry so much about it. But I wish I’d just shut up for the sake of the wedding then after taken control of the finances, seen a financial counsellor etc

[basil67]

That you're at the point of doing a 'bait and switch' to pretend it's all fine and worry about it after the wedding is not a good omen at all.  Likewise, your talk of taking control of finances after you marry is nothing short of alarming.   As much as I agree that his spending is not sustainable, he would be absolutely within his right to draw a line in the sand about how you knew about his money management when you married him and he is not going to change.

I think your best bet is to see a financial counsellor before you marry and see if the two of you can agree on a way forward.   If you can't arrive at the wedding with agreement on how your finances will be managed, you'll undoubtedly spend your time bickering about money before an eventual divorce.  And naturally, he will not be able to afford to contribute to his child support. 

That said, even if you do see a financial counsellor before you marry and he agrees, there's no guarantee that he'll stick to his agreement. 

 

[basil67]

Out of curiosity, how did the two of you arrive at the point of planning a wedding without a solid understanding about how it would be paid for?

 

[Worried32]

21 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Out of curiosity, how did the two of you arrive at the point of planning a wedding without a solid understanding about how it would be paid for?

 

I knew my parents were giving some money, I have money and I thought we were getting a small sum from his parents. That didn’t happen because he didn’t feel comfortable asking given he hasn’t paid them back a loan. So I’d had to find ways to cover that 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Worried32 said:

Yea he is employed. He earns more than me and money is wasted on everyday things. 

Such as? 

[Worried32]

11 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Such as? 

He already had $40,000 debt when we met from cars, holidays, wasting it on booze. But my issue is he isn’t working hard enough to pay it off and now he continues to waste it on food, clothes, gadgets, eating out etc. I believe he has a genuine problem and he knows he needs to be better, gets down about it but doesn’t change. If he was working his arse off to get rid of his debts and I had to cover the wedding that’s fine, happy to do that. But I’ve been building resentment over me and my family paying for it and he still wastes money. 

Edited January 15, 2023 by Worried32

[ExpatInItaly]

I would have serious reservations about marrying him. 

His wasteful and irresponsible attitude towards money is going to follow you into marriage, and eventually, family life. How do you envision bringing children into this financial mess will look? The debt will grow substantially. You two will almost certainly struggle to make ends meet as children naturally put a significant strain on resources. If he hasn't changed by now, you can expect that this will get worse. That $40 000 in debt will grow in no time. 

You need to have a serious come-to-Jesus talk with him. This marriage will implode very quickly if something drastic doesn't change. 

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, Worried32 said:

He already had $40,000 debt when we met from cars, holidays, wasting it on booze. 

Sorry this is happening.  [ ] Sadly it sounds like you can't really afford the wedding you are planning.

Keep in mind that divorce is quite expensive in itself and unfortunately doesn't erase your (his) debt problems. You're already incompatible and resentful

 Speak frankly with your parents about his financial irresponsibility. Perhaps loosing some wedding down payment is better than divorce or bickering about money because of financial incompatibilities. Weddings are parties but marriage is a legally binding contract that includes financial obligations.

Edited January 16, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
legalities vary from place to place

[glows]

2 hours ago, Worried32 said:

He already had $40,000 debt when we met from cars, holidays, wasting it on booze. But my issue is he isn’t working hard enough to pay it off and now he continues to waste it on food, clothes, gadgets, eating out etc. I believe he has a genuine problem and he knows he needs to be better, gets down about it but doesn’t change. If he was working his arse off to get rid of his debts and I had to cover the wedding that’s fine, happy to do that. But I’ve been building resentment over me and my family paying for it and he still wastes money. 

The issue is you’re not covering the wedding. Your dad or parents are. They’ve been duped into believing their daughter is a responsible person intending to marry her decent and responsible partner but have no idea about what they’re contributing to. They’re totally blind and extremely naive perhaps in their excitement for you and your big day. 

Do you mind me asking what has motivated you to continue with the wedding despite knowing all of this about your fiancé? Do you plan on going forward with the wedding? Major issues like this aren’t usually resolved within one or two months.

This is a lifetime of misuse and abuse of finances, a lifetime of habitual excess or living in excess way beyond his means and lying to oneself and others either through lies or omissions of truth and what he’s been doing on the side. I’d liken this to a gambling addiction that needs real time with a trained mental health professional getting to the root of why he has habits like these and changing them. You’re looking at very large, massive changes within a person and many never do because they keep relapsing into the same dysfunctional and addictive habits when it comes to why they spend. You might see him cover up his spending more over time or he’s caught up in illegal activities on the side.

I’d strongly caution you against marrying him and start figuring out what motivates you towards marriage, what marriage means to you. If it’s a togetherness of the minds and hearts you both are not on the same page. The marriage would be a farce, a complete lie in itself.

[NuevoYorko]

Yikes.  I'm stressed just from reading this.

I'm afraid we have to talk about you, not your fiancee.   Yes he's a mess, but the truth of the matter is that you chose to marry this mess knowing about the debt he was bringing into the marriage as well as his ongoing money issues.   Why?

So you have decided to forge a life with this man and accept all of his spending problems.  Perhaps he's just so wonderful that it's all worth it.

But that begs the question:  WHY a wedding that costs?  If you can't live without this man, to the extent that you are willing to take on his debt and his ingrained irresponsibility with money for your lifetime,  that's certainly your choice.   This has nothing to do with having an expensive wedding at the moment that you are floundering in financial disaster.  That is irresponsible on your part.  

My impression is that you are determined to have a husband and a "fairytale" wedding, and reality be damned.  

At this point I'm sure you are not going to cancel. If that's correct, what you really need to do is back off from your outrage at your fiancee and just step up with some grace.  This is what you chose and what you have made to happen by accepting your father's $ for the wedding.  

Sorry.  This is not a start to a happy future.

 

[BaileyB]

I would not be marrying the man if I had to pay for the entire wedding. You definitely need to talk with a counsellor before the wedding, this is not how you want to start your married life together. 

[Els]

4 hours ago, Worried32 said:

He already had $40,000 debt when we met from cars, holidays, wasting it on booze. But my issue is he isn’t working hard enough to pay it off and now he continues to waste it on food, clothes, gadgets, eating out etc. I believe he has a genuine problem and he knows he needs to be better, gets down about it but doesn’t change. If he was working his arse off to get rid of his debts and I had to cover the wedding that’s fine, happy to do that. But I’ve been building resentment over me and my family paying for it and he still wastes money. 

Are you suuuuuuuuuuuuuuureeeee you want to go ahead with this marriage? You're gonna be jointly responsible for that $40k debt when you sign the papers... and potentially much, much more in the future.

Edit: So, I took a look at your posting history and it seems like being terrible with money isn't the only issue that this fine man has. This whole thing sounds doomed from the start - you might really want to consider saving yourself an extremely expensive divorce, and call off the wedding. Why on earth are you even still wanting to marry him?

 

Edited January 15, 2023 by Elswyth

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Elswyth said:

Edit: So, I took a look at your posting history and it seems like being terrible with money isn't the only issue that this fine man has. This whole thing sounds doomed from the start - you might really want to consider saving yourself an extremely expensive divorce, and call off the wedding. Why on earth are you even still wanting to marry him?

Yikes. 

I just took a look at that thread too. OP, I really hope you don't come back here with "we've resolved that issue and moved past it." Why not? Because even if he's not still friendly with that woman, all of this behaviour paints a picture of a man who is generally more interested in meeting his own needs and doing what he wants without thinking much about how it all affects you and your feelings. The underlying problems remain the same. 

And he is husband material? I would think again there. 

[Weezy1973]

10 hours ago, Worried32 said:

 I feel like the worst person in the world and I should’ve just shut up so it didn’t ruin my wedding. Am I a bad person?

No you’re not a bad person. It just sounds like you’re oblivious to reality. Why are you having a wedding where you need money from your family? My wife and I do pretty well financially, have plenty of savings, could have easily afforded an expensive wedding without needing other people’s money, but chose to have a very small wedding that cost maybe $2,000 including her engagement ring. If you’re the one wanting the expensive wedding, to me that means you’re probably not all that good with money either, which is why you’ve chosen to overlook his spending habits. If you were smart financially marrying him would be a total non starter. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds like you brushed aside his money issues. You talked about them, but no one changes much because of talk. 

The guy you are marrying is bad with money. Face it. Face it. Face it! All else is illusion and fantasy. If you want a partner good with money or at least NOT BAD, then delay the wedding or cancel the wedding.

Otherwise, what you see now is what you're going to get. Why did you give a pass on this? His money problems really sound bad. Like deal-breaker bad. 

And you are not bad. Far from it, you are a doormat in this case. You're feeling guilty for him waving off his mom for baking a cake? You were right to be furious. Absolutely right. That fury is evidence of how much his money thinking is a problem. And it's not just his "money" his money thinking is messed up. 

Get some backbone here! You should have been furious with him a year ago! You had a right scream at him and you should still be screaming.  Really his level of clueless about money pretty much guarantees he will be a terrible husband. 

Don't be ashamed to cancel things. Do NOT. This guy's money problems (and his money stupidity) is going to make you miserable. 

[basil67]

9 hours ago, Worried32 said:

I knew my parents were giving some money, I have money and I thought we were getting a small sum from his parents. That didn’t happen because he didn’t feel comfortable asking given he hasn’t paid them back a loan. So I’d had to find ways to cover that 

It's reasonable to hope that parents (particularly the bride's parents) will pay/help pay for a wedding for two young people starting out in life, but you're both in your 30's and apparently both earning well.  There is no reason to have thought there would be a contribution from his parents.  

Unless your fiancé duped you into believing that he'd pay for half the wedding, I'm afraid that you might have gotten caught up in the wedding excitement and skipped the essential planning and understanding of each other's financial means.

[MsJayne]

You want to get married so badly that you're willing to marry the village idiot? The man, (and I use that term lightly), you're describing sounds immature, self-absorbed, irresponsible, and has zero interest in being your partner for any other reason than that you enable his behaviour. The fact that you haven't mentioned his debts to your dad tells me that you're embarrassed by his behaviour and you know very well he's a child in a grown up's body. Sorry, but I see a miserable future ahead for you if you marry him. One day it won't just be you he neglects, it will be you and the children. How long will it be before your parents realise how badly he's treating you and you become alienated from them because they despise him? Are your parents going to pick up the payments on the mortgage when you buy a house and you end up struggling to pay for it on your own? You're walking straight into a nightmare. Losing your deposits, etc, would be a lot less painful than propping up this person for however long the marriage lasts. My advice is to tell your parents the truth of the matter and then listen to what they say, because they love you, your fiance doesn't. He can't, he's never passed the emotional age of 2 years old and so is only concerned with meeting his own needs. 

[Lotsgoingon]

True story:

A guy I grew up with got married. I knew his mother. One day his mother tells my mother that the guy's wife complains that he doesn't work, that he doesn't have a job. This had been going on for years--the guy not working except for little projects here and there.

So here is the mom of the guy to my mom:

"His wife complains he's not working. Well he wasn't working before they got married."

Let me tell you: marrying someone who acts stupid (lazy, selfish, lets you pay, doesn't ask his mother for a thing even though your dad shells out thousands)--marrying someone who acts like that only sends the signal to the person that he doesn't have to change after you get married. 

There is no embarrassment changing your mind--well there is some, but that embarrassment will pale in comparison with the embarrassment you will feel with having married a selfish, clueless, immature jerk. You'll hide his behavior from friends, you'll clean it up with coworkers. If you have children, you'll try to cover his clueless in front of the children. 

And here's the thing: this kind of guy could very easily have an affair on you. He won't be appreciative. He's just limited in thinking and awareness.