Patting a guy on his behind

[FMW]

Something happened a while back that has popped into my head a few times.  It's not a big deal, but something I'm curious about.  

My guy has friends who are a married couple, I posted a year or two ago about the wife acting possessive about my guy.  When we're together anywhere she almost always finds some reason to get my guy alone for at least a few minutes.  Her husband has appeared to be unhappy about how she acts with him, but I've never heard him say anything.  Of course he's never heard me say anything about it either. 

The most recent thing was that apparently she patted my guy on his behind, in a very public place where people were gathered to hear him and his band.  I had stepped out for about 10 or 15 minutes, but she told me about it later that evening, and said "I told (her husband's name) about it too".  

The primary thing that makes it keep popping into my head I think is that she felt the need to tell me, and to tell me she told her husband.  There are much more inappropriate things to do than patting someone on the butt.  Both my mother and one of my friends, without hearing what the other said, said she did it basically just to show me she could.  I'm not completely sure what that means, other than I think she's generally disrespectful of me as far as my relationship with him goes.  Plus, telling me she told her husband about it meant she had some idea that neither her husband or I would be happy about it.  So why do it?

LIke I said, it's not a big deal in a big picture way, not a problem at all between me and my guy.  But these things make it harder and harder for me to be ok socializing with them, and I feel more and more like a chump for continuing to be nice to her.  I know the answer to that is for me to just stop spending any time with them.  As it is now it's usually only once every 6 to 8 weeks.  

My question is about what others think about it though.  Maybe for some couples it would hardly even be noticed.  What do you think?

[stillafool]

I think your mom is right that she does it because she can.  She knows you aren't going to stand up to her so she takes liberties with your husband.  Why haven't you put this woman in her place yet?  You say you're not bothered but you are or this and your other thread about her wouldn't exist. I would insult her so thoroughly she'd be running to her husband for comfort.

Edited January 13, 2023 by stillafool

[poppyfields]

What does your boyfriend think about it? 

Nevermind that she told you, isn't it HIS job to tell her to not touch his ass, in any way, shape or form?

That doing so is inappropriate and disrespectful?

I don't think it's your job to say anything to her, ask your boyfriend why he allowed it.  And why he didn't tell her to knock it off.

Your boyfriend sounds passive (unless there is something between them that he doesn't want you to know about but SHE does).

Which wouldn't fly with me personally but if you're okay with it and don't find what she did inappropriate or disrespectful, other than tell you about it, then let it go.

She sounds socially inept and you cannot teach socially inept people how to be socially appropriate.

 

Edited January 13, 2023 by poppyfields

[FMW]

I am definitely bothered, I don't like spending time with her.  When I said it wasn't a big deal I meant as far as my relationship with him goes, it's not a problem between him and me.  Because of what he does for a living I have to deal with both women and men (but especially women) wanting his time and attention, and as long as no one is touching him inappropriately I've learned to be ok with it most of the time.    

The couple at issue were there for him when he went through his wife's terminal illness and death.  He and I met about 9 months after her death and at that time he was still receiving lots of extra attention from his friends, including them.  I have never wanted to be the reason any of his friendships changed.  Three and half years later he does spend most of his time with me and the friends don't get anywhere near as much of his time as they did before I came along.  So I try to be sensitive to them having time with him.  

She told me that he acted embarrassed when she did it, and she thought that was funny.  I never said anything to him about it, he didn't bring it up to me.  The next time the four of us were at an event together I noticed he walked away from her pretty quickly when she tried to talk to him alone.  He it like I am in that we are not the type to make a scene over things unless something major has happened.  It's fair to say that in that way we are both passive.  I think she would actually enjoy it if I called her out on it.  She's mentioned before how other women are jealous of her, and she doesn't have women friends because of that.  I think she would be thrilled if didn't join them when they got together, she could then have both my guy and her husband all to herself.  It's all very high school-like.  

My question was what others would think about what she did, I think I have a clear picture now that yes, it was disrespectful and inappropriate, I wasn't just over-thinking it.  I have to figure out how to deal with her in my own way. 

Thanks for the feedback!

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, FMW said:

The couple at issue were there for him when he went through his wife's terminal illness and death.  

Sorry this is happening. She seems to want attention. However your BF may tolerate it because this couple has been there for him and he's loyal friend.

Sometimes people's friends get on our nerves. That's ok, as long as you can limit interaction and occasionally grin and bear it.

It's best not to get into any sort of mental competition with her or let your BF think you're trying to sever him from friends or that you're jealous.

[MsJayne]

4 hours ago, FMW said:

She's mentioned before how other women are jealous of her, and she doesn't have women friends because of that.

This is too funny! She doesn't have women friends because the grown ups find her inappropriate, antagonistic, and downright tiresome. She imagines other women are jealous of her!  Hahaha!!  If she says it again maybe you should ask her why she thinks that, put her on the spot and ask her to justify why other women would be jealous of her. I don't care if she's Pamela Anderson hot, believing all women to be jealous of oneself is a sign of mental illness in my book, as it's usually the person saying it who is in fact jealous of others and attributing their own tiny-mindedness to others. If it was me though, I would just tell my BF that I find her to be a massive flog and I don't want to hang out with her. Them supporting your BF through his wife's illness is all well and good, but being kind to someone doesn't mean you have some sort of ownership of them, and certainly doesn't mean you can start pawing at their person, especially when they have a partner. Your BF shouldn't expect you to hang out with people who you find a drag. At the very least, stop being nice to this woman, challenge her, put her in her place and do it in front of her, (probably long-suffering), partner.  

[Acacia98]

So she's basically making unwanted sexual advances on your husband? I see no other way to interpret this. And it fills her with joy when he's uncomfortable and everyone else is uncomfortable or wants to avoid her?

To put this in proper perspective, think about how you would react if a man kept walking up to a married woman friend who was uninterested in him, cornering her, and touching her butt. What would you think if said man then told the woman's husband and his wife what he had done with a note of triumph in his voice?

In your situation, someone needs to teach the woman a lesson by filing charges against her.

Edited January 13, 2023 by Acacia98

[Acacia98]

1 minute ago, Acacia98 said:

 

Posted in error.

Edited January 13, 2023 by Acacia98

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, FMW said:

 .  I think she would actually enjoy it if I called her out on it.  

If your BF is not saying anything to her, it's not your call to confront her as if your BF can't speak for himself. Perhaps you could communicate with your BF about this. That's who you should talk to rather than creating a fuss with his friends. I would definitely not get in a catfight with this woman since they were friends before you were in the picture and she's married.  Talk to your BF. It's his butt, his choice.

[JTSW]

She definitely thinks allot of herself doesn't she.

She thinks she can do anything with anyone she wants and thinks she's clever for it.

She needs to learn a lesson or two. 

I think you BF is the one to firmly tell her to keep her hands to herself.

Do not let her anywhere near him.

Put on allot of PDAs in front of her to piss her off. 

[stillafool]

 

I definitely think your husband should have told this woman to keep her hands off of him a long time ago and this shouldn't still be happening.  Have you talked to him about this?  It still doesn't address the way she treats you and how she gets off on disrespecting you.  You need to stand up for yourself.  It doesn't matter that she was there to support your husband during his wife's illness and death, you're his wife now and she'll have to learn to respect that if she wants to be around you. 

[poppyfields]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

If your BF is not saying anything to her, it's not your call to confront her as if your BF can't speak for himself. Perhaps you could communicate with your BF about this. That's who you should talk to rather than creating a fuss with his friends. I would definitely not get in a catfight with this woman since they were friends before you were in the picture and she's married.  Talk to your BF. It's his butt, his choice.

Absolutely agree with @Wiseman2here, which I previously posted as well.

Being in a band is no excuse for HIM allowing this woman and others to inappropriately touch or paw him. 

I realize you're not concerned about that, and only concerned that she told you about it, but frankly you should be imo.

I encourage you to talk with him about it..  You're not his mom after all, you're his girlfriend.

He's a grown man, he shouldn't need your protection from bullies. 

if he refuses or brushes it off as no big deal, that speaks volumes and not in a good way. 

Between this thread and your others - their private interactions at parties and him shutting you out for a few weeks due to depression that miraculous lifted, I don't get a good vibe from any of this. 

There's more going on here than meets the eye. 

Good luck. 

Edited January 13, 2023 by poppyfields

[glows]

Limit the time spent around them. Your partner is doing the right thing by not being caught near her or alone with her in a room.

They’re part of another lifetime, the one where he was healing after his late wife’s illness/death. Friendships do sometimes evolve into nothing and people grow apart. They were loyal supportive friends at one point and now they have no more place in your lives. 

I agree on not making a scene. What a headache and waste of energy. Make the visits short and leave after an hour or don’t go at all. Your partner needs to work on letting go of old skins and old issues from a past life. Move on.

[FMW]

I'm not going to confront her, it's not my style.  I spoke with my guy about her once and i won't do it again.

She's definitely a mess, and it's clear why she has no women friends.  But her husband us very defensive about her - he actually said once "(her name) is a man's woman, men love her, she doesn't care what women think"  She's an attractive little blond, 15 years his junior.  Supporting her "I'm so hot" narrative is probably good for his ego.

I don't have a problem with my guy about this, although I understand why others think I should.

My issue was wondering if I was being unreasonable in being uncomfortable with the fact that she told me about it, not just that she did it.  

I just don't understand why someone would be this way, what she gets from it.  That's why I questioned my reaction, wondered if I was missing something.

But I'm clear now that it was a messed up thing for her to do.  I will trust my instincts with her in the future.

[glows]

We don’t always have the answers to why someone behaves the way they do. All that matters is she was inappropriate and disrespectful to the both of you.

I’d say yes, it is reasonable to be uncomfortable that she told you about it. The behaviour itself is inappropriate so why would a person gloat over it and then share knowledge of such a disrespectful way to treat another person or couple. I suspect she likes controlling situations and pushing buttons. There are all kinds of reasons why someone would want to do that. The main takeaway is a happy or well-balanced person doesn’t behave this way. 

It’s not just the act that’s disrespectful to you, it’s also an off-kilter mindset or outlook of the world. I wouldn’t know what to talk about with this person in a room. Chances are their mind is on very different topics I’d not really be interested in learning about or hearing in the first place. 

At some point your partner and you might be thinking critically as well about what you’re getting out of these meetings and socials. 

Edited January 13, 2023 by glows

[FMW]

She doesn't really play a big part in the conversations we have as a group.  Her husband is dominant as far as conversation topics go, and there are times when I really do enjoy the discussions and debates we have as a group  He has an interesting past as a reporter and is very well versed on current political and social topics.  She doesn't have a lot to offer to the conversations.  My guy likes the husband a lot and they have phone calls and lunches together, just the two of them.  I don't want to negatively influence a friendship that predates my being in his life.  

I just need to stop letting her mess with my head.  

Thanks again to everyone who shared their thoughts.  

[mark clemson]

He should be pushing back on this and making it clear to her it's unwanted and inappropriate.

Her husband too, and even you. You could call her out on it and tell her directly to stop, etc. Not sure you feel like doing this, but it's certainly not outside of the realm of possibility for a partner to react this way.

Edited January 13, 2023 by mark clemson
added 2nd part

[Lotsgoingon]

It's not your just to "understand" why she does this any more than you would "understand" why she would steal money from you. 

I think this is a big deal. The reason? You're spending all kinds of energy thinking about this, processing this AND you're avoiding direct words with her. You say you talk to your man. Is he telling her to stop touching him? Is he stopping her hand as she begins to pat him on the behind?

I'm not sure this is minor at all. Someone is touching your husband inappropriately. Inappropriate touch is rarely minor. 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, FMW said:

My issue was wondering if I was being unreasonable in being uncomfortable with the fact that she told me about it, not just that she did it.  

We told you the last time you created a thread about this woman's behavior toward you and your husband that it was inappropriate and she's telling you just to make you uncomfortable.  As your Mom said she will continue because she knows she can.

[Weezy1973]

36 minutes ago, FMW said:

She doesn't really play a big part in the conversations we have as a group. 

My guess is being “hot” is all she’s got. It’s her whole identity so when a man doesn’t really notice her or care (like your guy) it makes her feel bad about herself. So she needs to do something to get his attention. And this is also why she doesn’t have any women friends. And yes it’s very high school. 

[FMW]

35 minutes ago, stillafool said:

We told you the last time

Yep, I'm a slow learner when it comes to some things.  My friends read her clearly from the start. I kept trying to see something underneath it all to explain it.  But as has been pointed out, it doesn't matter why she does what she does.  

[stillafool]

41 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

And this is also why she doesn’t have any women friends.

Women like her do not mind not having women friends.  They prefer the company of men.  I don't see a problem with that; but don't try to hurt other people, in her case, other women.