Feeling like I will lose if I go with my gut

[Feelingverydown]

In a bit of a quandary. My boyfriend of the last 18 months is compatible with me but he pushes for a
commitment of living together in the area of town where he has lived for over 40 years and all of his
friends and some family are located. At first, I thought this is something that was good for me and I can
handle so I signed a lease with him which doesn’t expire for another 6 months.

However, I have found that I’m not comfortable going from my home (and hometown) to an apt in a
strange place where I don’t know anyone except an old girlfriend of mine.

It may be different if he owned a home and I wasn’t moving into something so much smaller. I do enjoy
spending time with him but I’m just not sure if this is too much for me.

He asked me on New Year’s Eve if I would consider marrying again and told me that he wanted to marry
me but we could discuss it after his son’s wedding in September. I’m not surprised he asked me since he
has told me he enjoyed being married for almost 35 years (despite his wife asking for a divorce). I had a
good experience too but I’m much older now and I may want to live elsewhere (possibly, closer to my
family who live outside the area in another state).

I don’t want to lose him but need to be honest so we aren’t wasting each other’s time. He’s the best guy
I’ve dated in a very long time and we both love one another which is hard to find. Not sure there’s an easy way around this.

[FMW]

You have to start being honest.  Tell him everything you just wrote here.  Then figure out together where to go from here.  

[stillafool]

I agree.  You need to tell him this pronto.

[glows]

I get the feeling you do enjoy his company but don’t see this lasting due to his desire to marry and live in his hometown.

There are a lot of people who dislike living out of a suitcase dating indefinitely so to speak. There’s a strong preference to eventually cohabitate but not always the case. If not living together soon or eventually is a dealbreaker for him you’re not compatible. 

Why is living together also limited by the size of his apartment? You both could move to a bigger place together. Does he need help with rent? Do you own your own home? 

 

[JTSW]

Sounds to me that he doesn't want to be on his own ever.

He wants to married and committed all the time.

He wants to be near everyone he knows.

But he's not thinking about you or your happiness in this.

I 100% agree with others that you need to be completely honest with him.

You need to be happy and comfortable where you live.

[BaileyB]

Life, and love, is complicated in our later years. There is absolutely nothing wrong with continuing to date and living separately - except, that doesn’t seem like what he wants. He’s obviously very settled where he is, as you have somewhere that you want to be. It’s time to have a hard discussion. Maybe you will both be able to find a compromise, or maybe he will need to find someone who wants what he wants. I would say, companionship is very nice but you need to follow your heart. Good luck.

[Lotsgoingon]

State it that you are really uncomfortable living where he wants you to live.

Get that out there. Don't criticize. Don't even have to be specific. It's enough that you feel that way. If he's worth having, he'll take your discomfort seriously.

I actually would fear (if I were in your place) being absorbed into his life and all his friends. This isn't neutral territory at all. 

He might be the best guy you've ever dated, but that doesn't mean you should live where he wants you to live. 

P.S.

Yes, trust your gut. Definitely in relationship. Almost always in relationship. And frankly here, the logic, the analytical brain (at least mine) easily sees a problem with you moving to where you don't want to move. 

Edited January 13, 2023 by Lotsgoingon