Tinman 213 Posted January 8, 2023 Posted January 8, 2023 My close cousin is getting married in a few weeks and my ex is going to be there with her partner. Am I wrong to feel awkward, embarrassed and genuinely feel disrespected by both. Me and my ex split up around 4 years ago. She was friends with my cousin before we met, and their relationship grew since we were all spending more time together. We didn't end on bad terms, she broke up with me for reasons of falling out of love (although I found out she was interested in someone else and then when that didn't work out she started to stalk my partner on social media making her feel uncomfortable). I moved on and have an amazing fiancé and completely happy. My ex was close with my family, we did things together and she knows my cousins, aunties and uncles fairly well. So when she comes to the wedding she'll be introducing her new partner to my family most likely and that just feels so embarrassing and uncomfortable. I would have hoped one of them would talk to me and ask me if it's okay for her partner to come and if I'm comfortable with it. I don't speak to my ex since she started all this stalking stuff a couple years ago which lasted a while. I understand why she would go to my cousins wedding as they're friends, however to have the partner come around all my family is quite an insult Am I overreacting?
basil67 Posted January 8, 2023 Posted January 8, 2023 (edited) My response would be different if she'd cheated on you with him recently and left you heartbroken, but it's not the case. You broke up years ago and and have moved on and now have a wonderful fiance. She's moved on and has a nice partner. Why wouldn't she bring him? And why is bringing her fiance an insult to your family? Edited January 8, 2023 by basil67 3
glows Posted January 8, 2023 Posted January 8, 2023 I can see why this would be uncomfortable but you can only choose what you wish to do. You have no say who wishes to attend. That’s the bride and groom’s decision in terms of their invites. How does your fiancée feel about attending or what does she think? Granted this ex was friends with your cousin before meeting you. Have you already RSVP’d?
spiritedaway2003 Posted January 8, 2023 Posted January 8, 2023 Yes, I think there's an overreaction here. It's your cousin's wedding. Your ex may have known your cousin through you, but your cousin is friends with her and chose to invite her to her wedding. Most people bring their plus one. You both had a history but presumably both moved on. You are happy with your finance. She's happy with hers and bringing her new partner. Why would it be ok for you to bring your partner but not hers? She might have wronged you with monkey-branching earlier in your relationship, but that's on her and impacts the relationship she had with you (leading to its end). It has not nothing to do with your family. It's one thing if you feel uncomfortable seeing your ex, but that doesn't mean she can't/shouldn't bring her current partner. 2
Acacia98 Posted January 8, 2023 Posted January 8, 2023 If you're so uncomfortable that you can't bear to be in the same room as your ex and her partner, I can respect that. You can make sure you buy your cousin and their spouse-to-be a lovely gift and write a heartfelt card or letter but excuse yourself from attending the wedding. Give your cousin a plausible explanation for your absence that has nothing to do with your ex. Personally, I would be weirded out by a stalker ex, and I would avoid him as much as I could. But I don't understand why you think that it's okay for your ex to attend the wedding on her own but disrespectful for her to attend it with a new partner. It sounds like you expect her to hold on to/cherish the memory of your former relationship. And surely, that would be pretty weird, especially if it was a stalker ex doing it. 2
Wiseman2 Posted January 8, 2023 Posted January 8, 2023 8 hours ago, Tinman 213 said: I moved on and have an amazing fiancé and completely happy. Bring your GF and have a good time. No one needs your permission to invite guests. Just enjoy your family and friends. 1
Author Tinman 213 Posted January 8, 2023 Author Posted January 8, 2023 11 hours ago, basil67 said: My response would be different if she'd cheated on you with him recently and left you heartbroken, but it's not the case. You broke up years ago and and have moved on and now have a wonderful fiance. She's moved on and has a nice partner. Why wouldn't she bring him? And why is bringing her fiance an insult to your family? I understand we both moved on but she didn't make it easy by stalking and making it known. She even made her freinds do these things to make my partner uncomfortable. She said she wanted me to be happy and so on, but she showed the opposite. I was happy to stay friends (even though she left me for someone else) but after she did all this stuff I cut her out of my life completely and was disappointed with her actions. I think had she not done this stuff then I wouldn't be as bothered, but I don't like the fact she'll try get involved with my family (excluding my cousin) after she did all this stuff. If I was in my cosuisn shoes or my ex I would approach the person and ask them if everything is okay. I feel like that would be more respectful and considerate.
glows Posted January 8, 2023 Posted January 8, 2023 (edited) It’s your cousin’s big day and they were friends before you met this ex who caused some trouble for you after the break up. I am sorry to hear that she was inappropriate towards your fiancée but I think it’s you who has to be more of considerate of whose wedding this is as it’s not yours. If you mentioned she’s an old ex who had no ties at all to the family especially prior to meeting you then yes, I would agree with you. Her friendship with her cousin predates/is older than your relationship with your ex so no, I think you have this backwards. They’re friends long before you both dated or there was any romance. Edited January 8, 2023 by glows 3
stillafool Posted January 8, 2023 Posted January 8, 2023 When you say she "stalked" your partner what do you mean? Was she just viewing what your partner looked like and things about her? Or did she contact her and say nasty things? If she was just looking, most exes do that out of sheer curiosity and then they move on. Since it's been 4 years since your break up and you have a new love it seems you would have put any thoughts of this ex way behind you by now. Your ex nor your cousin are under no obligation to ask you if she can bring her bf with her to the wedding. It really has nothing to do with you anymore as you and your ex have moved on.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 8, 2023 Posted January 8, 2023 I would imagine you cousin assumes you've long since moved on, given that this was years ago and you are now with someone else. You might want to consider why you're having such a strong reaction to this. 2
Acacia98 Posted January 8, 2023 Posted January 8, 2023 4 hours ago, Tinman 213 said: I understand we both moved on but she didn't make it easy by stalking and making it known. She even made her freinds do these things to make my partner uncomfortable. She said she wanted me to be happy and so on, but she showed the opposite. This doesn't sound good. Presumably, they eventually stopped doing this. At least, I hope so.
Lotsgoingon Posted January 8, 2023 Posted January 8, 2023 No, your cousin was under no obligation to get your approval for inviting your ex. You said your cousin and your ex are genuine friends. That is the messiness of modern marriages and relationships. Sometimes former wives and husbands become true friends with a member of a family. Lots of people in your cousin's position do NOT think they are required to dump a good friend simply because the friend and her brother are divorcing. And I get it. Friendships are hard to come by in this life. If you're so happy right now, this invite should not bother you. The fact that you are reacting so strongly suggests (doesn't guarantee) that you are still attached to your ex in some way. You want to get way way past her. So that you could see her in a grocery store and have only a mild reaction. To be clear, some people take years to truly let go their ex. You're four years out. Hmmmmm ... you might still be in process of letting her go. I don't think you'll feel nearly as awkward about this if and when you see the ex at the wedding. Had to think about this one. Just had this conversation about who is legit to attend a funeral. My answer for that: anyone, including former enemies. A wedding is a little different. Any chance you can find recall some of the positive qualities of your ex, so when you see her, you don't feel rejected? You might have to do a little faking this time, but over time, you want to not care.
Wiseman2 Posted January 8, 2023 Posted January 8, 2023 18 hours ago, Tinman 213 said: Me and my ex split up around 4 years ago. . I moved on and have an amazing fiancé and completely happy. This is all you need to focus on. That your fiancee has a wonderful time with you and enjoys herself. What your ex is doing 4 years down the line should be irrelevant by now. Enjoy your family and friends and fiancee and forget about the ex. 1
basil67 Posted January 8, 2023 Posted January 8, 2023 Think this through: even if we all agreed it is wildly inappropriate of her to bring a new partner, what would you do about it? It's not like you can ask the bride and groom to alter their guest list to accommodate your personal discomfort. Short of excusing yourself from the wedding, the only choice you have is to suck it up and be gracious on the day. As adults, we all have to do this from time to time. 2
MsJayne Posted January 8, 2023 Posted January 8, 2023 Here's another point of view. if I was your fiance I'd be concerned about why you have a problem with someone you broke up with years ago. It might even be enough for me to reconsider our relationship because I'd be wondering if I was the woman you settled for after the love of your life dumped you. On top of that, your cousins wedding is about your cousin and his/her partner having a happy day, it's not about the guests. 5
JTSW Posted January 9, 2023 Posted January 9, 2023 On 1/8/2023 at 2:10 AM, Tinman 213 said: My ex was close with my family, we did things together and she knows my cousins, aunties and uncles fairly well. So when she comes to the wedding she'll be introducing her new partner to my family most likely and that just feels so embarrassing and uncomfortable. Why exactly would it be embarrassing and uncomfortable? What happened between you is far in the past and you've both moved on. And why is bringing your fiancé any different to her bringing her partner? Who your cousin invites to her wedding has nothing to do with you. On 1/8/2023 at 2:10 AM, Tinman 213 said: I understand why she would go to my cousins wedding as they're friends, however to have the partner come around all my family is quite an insult Why? Everyone has moved on, except you it seems. On 1/8/2023 at 2:10 AM, Tinman 213 said: Am I overreacting? Yes, greatly.
mark clemson Posted January 9, 2023 Posted January 9, 2023 (edited) On 1/7/2023 at 6:10 PM, Tinman 213 said: I moved on and have an amazing fiancé and completely happy. Am I overreacting? If you've moved on like you say, then why is this an issue. She's friends with your cousin independently of you, so her visit (and who she chooses to bring) makes sense. I would say your brain is making this about you and your feelings/pride, when in fact it has nothing to do with you at this point. This isn't "disrespect" it's normal social behavior. After 4 years and you both moving on, your "feelings" on the matter are a non-consideration (or at least should be) for everyone but you. The thing to do here is swallow your pride and just roll with it. You'll probably get introduced to your Ex's new SO. Just roll with that too, no one is trying to hurt you. The good news is that you don't need to be friends with him or anything like that and your contact with them will likely be limited to a few times a year, if that. Time to put your feelings aside for real. Edited January 9, 2023 by mark clemson 1
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