Dating a partner with BPD. Guidance needed

[Fox Sake]

Please, I need some help on dating someone with BPD who’s just entered into a self destructive phase. 
 

I’ve ordered a book from Amazon called “loving someone with BPD” so I hope it’s helps me understand a little better about her , the triggers etc so I’m able to support her as best I can. She is open to therapy too. I just need to learn how to manage myself in the dark moments, the moments themselves, and how to navigate in them. 

Background reference on each (not essential but may help build a better picture) - 

So as some of you know, I’ve remained single for a long time 7.5 years to be exact! My choice. Well 3 months ago, someone came into my life that made me feel something I have never felt and it’s grown arms and legs. 
The attraction isn’t just physical , it’s way deeper than  that, I’m absolutely attracted to who she is and that deep running river feeling is shared by us both.. It’s like we compliment who each is, almost perfectly. She shows compassion and humility and can put her hands up when she’s wrong, just as I can. I’ve never seen that from a woman I’ve dated before, in 37 years and that’s super attractive to me! She doesn’t ever belittle or make me feel like less of a person. She’s compassionate. Honestly she’s almost more me than I am in so many ways. Scared of what I feel so early on and it’s not a sexual desire thing either .. I don’t know what it is cos it’s new to me. 
 

There’s 13 years between us. We live a 1.5 hour flight away from each other. Yes we have met once but we weren’t dating then and I was still keeping my options way open. 

She’s coming to stay for 10 days on Friday which we are both really looking forward to. Then I’m going back with her to Ireland for the weekend to meet her family. 
 

My issue is the occasional withdrawal… cos I’m such a sensitive person I find it hard at times as I like consistency. I know that’s something I’m going to have to probably get used to and learn to manage- I just don’t know quite how!
I want to be able to handle my own self better in those occasional moments of feeling her withdraw- It makes me feel sad when it happens and consumes my mind. I’m not wanting to fix her or anything , I know I can’t and psychotherapy is probably the best way. I just want to be able to navigate it. It’s been a challenge recently. She is going through a lot and I’m trying to help be as understanding and supportive as I can. 
 

Aside from her BPD she lost a very close family member a week ago. She went on a coke binge which I absolutely don’t approve of and she hates herself for doing it. But she’s still doing it until the funeral is over…. That’s a concern for me that she seeks oblivion through this method. 

Since then (family member dying and coke that same evening and the last 4 days)  she said it was that, or physical pain and she chose the drugs instead. If we ever were to end up living together she knows i’m not gonna put up with that. I’ve seen it destroy one my friends lives completely when she started dating a dealer and got seriously addicted. It also kills your own happiness. 

I have noticed some distance from her. She’s not quite as good at showing her feelings to me and doesn’t say as many sweet things that melted me, but still video calls me multiple times every day and texts, says she can’t wait for Friday and talks about how fun it will be if we both end up living together eventually.  Is this how BPD works? is that the drugs? I just don’t know how to handle the hot and medium moments. 

[glows]

You’re setting yourself up for a lot of disappointment choosing to date someone long distance who uses cocaine or has a drug dependency and BPD. It’s hard to tell what is causing those moods.

In a person who doesn’t have BPD or use drugs, those emotions could be from grief and loss of a loved one. Do you see how this is a bit like splitting hairs or getting lost in a needle in a haystack?

Why hasn’t she sought grief counselling instead of using? Huge red flag here for you if you’re considering your life with someone. Dating is to explore and see whether that person and you match, not to immediately commit yourself 3 months in and only having met once. 

Meeting her family is a sweet gesture but keep your expectations lowered. I wouldn’t take this as a milestone moment or a reason to get more deeply attached. If you want to explore romance do it with eyes wide open and be very realistic about what you’re choosing for yourself here.

Edited January 7, 2023 by glows

[Fox Sake]

Thanks @glows , I appreciate your time and wisdom. 

Grief counselling, that’s something I’ll bring up when it’s not going to be a trigger. The funeral is in 2 days. She’s not in a good space right now. 
I can totally see how I’m splitting hairs. There’s a lot going on. Trust me I’m usually really really good at keeping people at arms distance, if not further. But this is different. I know it sounds crazy what I wrote but it’s kind of out of my control and I’m just going with it naturally. I will definitely be keeping my reservations for the moment and I’m certainly not taking the meeting of her family as a milestone. The coke use in all honesty is my biggest red flag but she’s in self destruct 

[BaileyB]

16 minutes ago, glows said:

You’re setting yourself up for a lot of disappointment choosing to date someone long distance who uses cocaine or has a drug dependency and BPD.

This. 

4 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

The coke use in all honesty is my biggest red flag but she’s in self destruct 

The fact that she is in self destruct and you are sticking around is the biggest red flag, in all honesty. You’ve known the woman for three months and there are some HUGE red flags here. Ignore them at your own peril. 

[glows]

Usually in times of confusion it helps reflecting on what we want for ourselves.

You don’t sound like you use drugs or have that dependency so why would you accept it in someone else? The root cause or BPD isn’t going away. How do you see yourself not suffering in this set up where you’re also long distance? 

Some harsh thoughts here but the situation isn’t the remotest bit in your favour even if you were dating someone with BPD.

That long distance makes it difficult to truly gauge just how bad or good her health or mental health situation is. In the individuals where there aren’t any health concerns, long distance is already a great challenge. 

The part also about holding people at arm’s length - do you mind describing how so? Just reflecting for a moment are you moving towards or swinging in another extreme based on holding back with others? I’m just throwing this out there as I’m not sure what you mean by holding people in general at arms length and why? 

[Weezy1973]

By BPD do you mean Bipolar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder? If it’s Borderline Personality Disorder I’d highly recommend ending the relationship now.

[]

Edited January 7, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BaileyB]

15 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

If it’s Borderline Personality Disorder I’d highly recommend ending the relationship now.

My apology, this is where my thoughts went and I would not advise a relationship with someone who has borderline personality disorder.

Bipolar Disorder can certainly be treated with medication and therapy but the big red flag here would be that she is essentially self medicating with cocaine. She has a serious drug habit. 

Glows is right - if you don’t accept this for yourself then why would you ever except this in a partner? The distance and the novelty of this relationship most certainly affects your judgment here. Love doesn’t conquer all - particularly when you are dealing with serious mental health and drug issues.

Edited January 7, 2023 by BaileyB

[Fox Sake]

Sorry I need to take some time to internally process these reply’s  I know you all come from a good place. I will reply individually when I’ve had a think and a sleep. I just wasn’t expecting what I read. I have been finding it hard recently - I’ve experienced the splitting once already but she corrected herself and apologised very shortly after. Still left me feeling like s*** tho. 

 I was kind of looking for ways to move forwards and upwards, as I don’t think anyone should be judged because of any disorder,  but it sounds like people are saying that if someone has bipolar personality disorder and using coke , then they’re a lost cause? What if they were willing to get professional help?  

 

 

[BaileyB]

40 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

it sounds like people are saying that if someone has bipolar personality disorder and using coke , then they’re a lost cause? What if they were willing to get professional help?  

Bipolar Personality Disorder is not a diagnosis. I think you are confusing bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder - two very different diagnosis. 

She is not a lost cause. 

If she is willing to get professional help, that’s great! You can encourage her to do that but that’s about all you can do. She is responsible for her mental health and her sobriety. 

You are responsible for making wise decisions for your own life. As such, you are wise to consider a romantic relationship with this woman only if/when she is treated by mental health professionals and her mental illness is stable and when/if she is sober and not using drugs. People who are using drugs and/or suffering from an untreated mental illness are not generally capable of having a healthy long term relationship. 

 

Edited January 7, 2023 by BaileyB

[poppyfields]

Hi Foxy, good to see ya. 

[ ] 

My advice to you is to work on YOU and your ability to manage your own reactions and emotions when she withdraws.

Try to not take personally.  Become secure within yourself, it's the only way. 

If it's Bipolar, is she on medication?  Self medicating with street drugs and alcohol is NOT good. 

If it's Borderline, that's going to be a struggle [ ] so it's up to you to manage your own emotional response and reactions. 

Also, research it.  Read, read, read whatever material you can find, on line and off. 

Knowledge is power and the more you learn, understand and know, the better you will be at managing your emotions. 

Good luck Foxy keep us updated! 

Edited January 7, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
discussion of diagnosis

[Lisa]

Hi folks, as a rule we don't support armchair discussion and broad descriptions of mental health conditions, so these comments have been removed.  However, please continue in supporting Fox Sake as he travels this journey. 

[Fox Sake]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Bipolar Personality Disorder is not a diagnosis. I think you are confusing bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder - two very different diagnosis. 

She is not a lost cause. 

If she is willing to get professional help, that’s great! You can encourage her to do that but that’s about all you can do. She is responsible for her mental health and her sobriety. 

You are responsible for making wise decisions for your own life. As such, you are wise to consider a romantic relationship with this woman only if/when she is treated by mental health professionals and her mental illness is stable and when/if she is sober and not using drugs. People who are using drugs and/or suffering from an untreated mental illness are not generally capable of having a healthy long term relationship. 

 

You’re absolutely correct sorry, that should have said borderline personality! 
clearly I’m a bit flustered right now, apologies. This a cruel joke of a bitter pill to swallow at the moment. Life really knows how to give you everything and then give you nothing at the same time. I’m increasingly wary and this evening especially so…. Her behaviour is inappropriate, reckless and quite hurtful. I couldn’t go through that kind of emotional turmoil forever and be happy 

[glows]

I don’t have any direct experience with BPD or borderline personality disorder in terms of romantic relationships or personally so I can’t guide you there and would not want to as it requires input from someone more qualified medically/professionally. 

It’s difficult also because you’re long distance. Be wary that you may not be seeing the full picture of her health.

What is hopefully helpful to reflect on is what you’re looking for in an intimate relationship. You’ve mentioned a few times the issue of inconsistency and being very affected.

I’d want to know why I feel drawn to something that continues to hurt me if I put myself in your shoes. Are you receiving counselling? Why do you feel so drawn and sympathetic to her cause when you both don’t share enough similarities - critical similarities or core values? 

3 months is a very good time to see where you both lie in terms of your shared values, beliefs, your habits, lifestyle choices and so on. 

[Fox Sake]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Hi Foxy, good to see ya.  /cdn-cgi/mirage/9f285991a22adb597d553b9824cc63349833dc5d7cbfc9be144b1e962e7b9149/1280/https://www.loveshack.org/content/emoticons/smile.gif.365fdc925ab7f51a9626f13390a96867.gif

[ ] 

My advice to you is to work on YOU and your ability to manage your own reactions and emotions when she withdraws.

Try to not take personally.  Become secure within yourself, it's the only way. 

If it's Bipolar, is she on medication?  Self medicating with street drugs and alcohol is NOT good. 

If it's Borderline, that's going to be a struggle [ ] so it's up to you to manage your own emotional response and reactions. 

Also, research it.  Read, read, read whatever material you can find, on line and off. 

Knowledge is power and the more you learn, understand and know, the better you will be at managing your emotions. 

Good luck Foxy keep us updated! 

Hey PopPs  I’m in such a turmoil this evening… sorry my writing is not any good. Honestly,  like I’m emotionally drained and feeling hurt, like I deserve better. I had that horrible overwhelming feeling in the pit of my stomach this evening that something was up , and it broke my heart when I felt it. It leaves me in physical shock, like shakey and breathless. . Now I know why as well , as you’ll see below.  Thank you for your advice. It’s a borderline and I’m already struggling. I think everyone was right .. I just can’t believe it all comes to a head this evening after I post. 

She’s been on a 3 day bender and I think tonight is out with someone else. Kept on offering up information about how alone she was several times at a local bar, and I didn’t even ask. That’s a bit sus to me.
 

An hour later I got that horrible feeling. Then I was sent a video of just her panning round the camera,  another drink and a man’s jacket opposite her…in a quiet bar at a small table, bottles of empty wine.  Honestly think she didn’t even notice what she did. I called her out on it and she said she’s switching her phone off, that I told her to enjoy herself, she said someone bought her a drink and would speak tomorrow.  I didn’t bother replying. So yeah I think I’m gonna have to revaluate all of this.  It’s like a cruel joke for life to play on me , I don’t know what I’m supposed to learn from it or even what to do right now I’ll wake up with a fresh pair of eyes tho 

Edited January 8, 2023 by Fox Sake
Spelling

[Lotsgoingon]

Nope it is NOT your job to try to be supportive and understanding when someone withdraws and uses cocaine.]Supportive of what? You can only be supportive when someone is already going in the right direction--on their own. Is she getting treatment? Is she in counseling? If she were aggressively taking these steps AND if you saw progress, you could be supportive. 

Right now you are only a doormat. 

You're only 3 months into the relationship and that early your job is to hold her accountable, is to be honest with yourself about whether this person has the character and stability and everything you want in someone. The answer in this behavior is no. Maybe she'll get better treatment later, but I would NOT date someone who uses cocaine, especially using it to get through grief. BTW: we all go through grief in this life. I had four family members die over 6 years. I didn't use cocaine and I have addictions in my family!

You're setting yourself for disaster. You'll be running around, trying to be "understanding" and you'll be neglected on the one hand and on a roller coaster on the other. Your job 3 months in is to be really selfish and self-focused and to advocate for what YOU want in a relationship. 

Note: if you were 20 years into a relationship with someone--someone who has lived well and showed strength and character--THEN you might be understanding, but you would also be demanding: as in demand that she go get help for her drug use. You might also demand that she tell you if she has used drugs, and allow you to get away from her. 

Edited January 8, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[Fox Sake]

9 minutes ago, glows said:

I don’t have any direct experience with BPD or borderline personality disorder in terms of romantic relationships or personally so I can’t guide you there and would not want to as it requires input from someone more qualified medically/professionally. 

It’s difficult also because you’re long distance. Be wary that you may not be seeing the full picture of her health.

What is hopefully helpful to reflect on is what you’re looking for in an intimate relationship. You’ve mentioned a few times the issue of inconsistency and being very affected.

I’d want to know why I feel drawn to something that continues to hurt me if I put myself in your shoes. Are you receiving counselling? Why do you feel so drawn and sympathetic to her cause when you both don’t share enough similarities - critical similarities or core values? 

3 months is a very good time to see where you both lie in terms of your shared values, beliefs, your habits, lifestyle choices and so on. 

Honestly this situation blindsided me. … or maybe I was the blind one from the start. I just haven’t felt that connection before. Like I was attracted to a deeper part of her..that saw past flaws. I know that sounds weird. It’s been a weird feeling. Nearly 2am now. I’m just floating in thoughts. Sorry for the disarray and lack of formatting ! 

[Fox Sake]

8 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Nope it is NOT your job to try to be supportive and understanding when someone withdraws and uses cocaine.]Supportive of what? You can only be supportive when someone is already going in the right direction--on their own. Is she getting treatment? Is she in counseling? If she were aggressively taking these steps AND 

You're only 3 months into the relationship and that early your job is to hold her accountable, is to be honest with yourself about whether this person has the character and stability and everything you want in someone. The answer in this behavior is no. Maybe she'll get better treatment later, but I would NOT date someone who uses cocaine, especially using it to get through grief.

You're setting yourself for disaster. You'll be running around, trying to be "understanding" and you'll be neglected on the one hand and on a roller coaster on the other. Your job 3 months in is to be really selfish and self-focused and to advocate for what YOU want in a relationship. 

Note: if you were 20 years into a relationship with someone--someone who has lived well and showed strength and character--THEN you might be understanding, but you would also be demanding: as in demand that she go get help for her drug use. You might also demand that she tell you if she has used drugs, and allow you to get away from her. 

It’s time to set myself personal boundaries again. Reading this just gave me a huge amount of strength and realisation. Thank you. 

Edited January 8, 2023 by Fox Sake
Easter Egg- Things might be crappy but y’all sure are helping me

[glows]

It’s ok! You’re better off trying to get some rest. If you go to bed and wake up anyway in the middle of the night these posts will be here for later.

Just a word on the bar scene video - there would be a lot of questions to me also such as who she’s with, is she really drinking that much where bottles are empty, why would she turn her phone off. The drinking alone would be cause for pause. There’s a lot of lack of transparency, no consideration for how you feel, she may be high, drunk or any combination of things. I’m not running her down for her state in the video or her health at all but the point is to take another good look at whether this is for you.

All you can do is decide whether what she is about is something you want in your life. You don’t even have to go down the route of her health or diagnosis or figure out in minute detail what she does in her free time or who she is with. Only decide if what you know so far is something you want for yourself in your life.

[Fox Sake]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

It’s ok! You’re better off trying to get some rest. If you go to bed and wake up anyway in the middle of the night these posts will be here for later.

Just a word on the bar scene video - there would be a lot of questions to me also such as who she’s with, is she really drinking that much where bottles are empty, why would she turn her phone off. The drinking alone would be cause for pause. There’s a lot of lack of transparency, no consideration for how you feel, she may be high, drunk or any combination of things. I’m not running her down for her state in the video or her health at all but the point is to take another good look at whether this is for you.

All you can do is decide whether what she is about is something you want in your life. You don’t even have to go down the route of her health or diagnosis or figure out in minute detail what she does in her free time or who she is with. Only decide if what you know so far is something you want for yourself in your life.

It’s already after the middle of the night,  but I find comfort in peoples thoughts and views! It means I can start working on me immediately, as soon as the words are taken in by my eyes. I value the self reflection because I grow from it, and I value the support I get from many different angles because it keeps me open minded. This went from needing advice to a possible train wreck real fast tho ..

The bar scene video raised a lot of questions and set the tone for the continuation of the thread. I’m full of questions about it but I’m sure tomorrow I will hear all about it. My walls are up and my boundaries have been reset. I don’t want that in my life. I also think it’s shameful and insulting using the death of a loved one as an excuse to take coke and self destruct. That’s not what the deceased would want at all.  
 

I’m going re-read this entire thread again tomorrow. It’s really helping me. Thank you!

[Weezy1973]

51 minutes ago, Fox Sake said:

. I just haven’t felt that connection before. Like I was attracted to a deeper part of her..that saw past flaws. I know that sounds weird.

It does not sound weird at all. When I was first dating my BPD it was exactly the same feeling at the beginning. She was so open and honest about things right off the bat that it created this enormous sense of intimacy and closeness really quickly. I get it, and also get the difficulty. And yes, she probably is with another man. Hard to hear I know. 

[BaileyB]

Kindly, it’s been three months and you have not even spent that much time together because you are long distance. You will get over her and find someone else to date… life goes on. 

[ShyViolet]

It's really, really concerning that you've chosen to ignore so many red flags and take on this chaotic situation.  Are you so enmeshed in the situation that you can't see it clearly?

This is a woman you only met 3 months ago, she lives in another country and you have only met her once in person, she has BPD and is not even in therapy, and she does coke.  And you are already planning on meeting her family and talking about living together.  Does this sound like a healthy situation to you?  You are making many very poor decisions here and you need to really think about what you are getting yourself into.  You cannot help her with her problems.  She literally has to do that herself and get herself to a better, healthier place before she is ready to embark on a relationship.

[glows]

1 hour ago, Fox Sake said:

It’s already after the middle of the night,  but I find comfort in peoples thoughts and views! It means I can start working on me immediately, as soon as the words are taken in by my eyes. I value the self reflection because I grow from it, and I value the support I get from many different angles because it keeps me open minded. This went from needing advice to a possible train wreck real fast tho ..

The bar scene video raised a lot of questions and set the tone for the continuation of the thread. I’m full of questions about it but I’m sure tomorrow I will hear all about it. My walls are up and my boundaries have been reset. I don’t want that in my life. I also think it’s shameful and insulting using the death of a loved one as an excuse to take coke and self destruct. That’s not what the deceased would want at all.  
 

I’m going re-read this entire thread again tomorrow. It’s really helping me. Thank you!

We don’t know what the deceased would want but I see what you mean. Those are her people so don’t worry yourself speaking for them even if they’ve passed.

I also don’t think it’s helpful to get angry at her for her choices. It’s only going to keep you tied to her - anger, disgust arising from her appearing shameful or pity. Try not to read into her life too much. You both are different, end story.

Just look at the facts and what she has presented (elements in her life). The answer is yes or no on whether you want the same in your life. If it is no, close the door on it and move forwards. 

There’s the issue that she’s supposed to visit you for 10 days this coming week and she’s arriving on Friday. I’m assuming all these trips are booked as is the one visiting her family. Look into cancelling if possible. 

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

 13 years between us. We live a 1.5 hour flight away from each other. . 

Sorry this is happening. It's been 12 weeks dating and this is a good time to reevaluate your happiness and compatibility. 

She seems to make you happy on some levels, but you are noticing quite a few red flags along the way.

The distance makes it harder to get to know someone. Right now you are starting to see some major issues in her behavior and lifestyle that may indicate some trouble ahead 

Step back. Don't try to fix or change her. While it's understandable that there's good parts to the relationship and you would love to build on that, but rather than trying to educate yourself on the issues for the purposes of coping and fixing, take an inventory of your own feelings and the risk of headaches and heartaches ahead based on what you've already seen.

It's hard to let go of someone exciting and attractive, but take your time reviewing the pros and cons of the situation.

[giotto]

Not sure you want to complicate your life so much...