basil67 Posted January 5, 2023 Posted January 5, 2023 4 hours ago, emprosnet7 said: - Until the final days of the divorce process, she was in denial and would take her ex-husband back even after he had cheated on her !? - While things were happening behind her back, she was completely unaware and feeling happier than ever. How could someone be so out of touch with reality? - As an excuse, her husband told her that she was neglecting him and his needs, although it seems to me that he was also selfish and tending to his needs. He hooked up with a 40 year old woman (he is 56). - Finally, she believes that the Universe is communicating with her and giving her messages about what to do with her life. To a rational person like me, that is nonsense, but that are the worlds she uses. She's a recently divorced woman who's just dipping her toe in the dating waters. However, your responses are showing a lack of compassion and insight. I don't know if you have kids, but I think it's completely understandable that she doesn't want them to know she's having sleepovers with some dude she just met. For all we know, she may have raised them to establish love before having sex and doesn't want to be a hypocrite. I also think it's understandable that she doesn't want everyone to know what's going on with dating. She would have been the subject of town gossip when the affair and divorce happened, and it's understandable that she doesn't want the rumour mill to start up again so quickly. Being happy in a marriage while not being aware that a partner is having an affair is not "being out of touch with reality". People who cheat can be careful and sneaky but you're here blaming the victim for not seeing it. Yes, it doesn't surprise me that he blamed her for his cheating...not uncommon thing at all. And it doesn't surprise me that she may have given his thoughts consideration. The poor woman was in shock and processing I'm athiest, but I'll also be the first to say that it's rude and disrespectful to call someone's spiritual beliefs nonsense. Many, many humans believe in a higher power of one type or another. Sure, it's not my thing, but this belief isn't' nonsensical. Provided that a person isn't causing harm in a higher power's name, taking strength from it is a good thing. Of course, those beliefs may make a relationship with you or me unworkable, but that does not make their beliefs wrong. If you're choosing to date a recently divorced person, approach it with kindness, compassion and patience. And an understanding that they will still be processing and likely not ready for commitment. 3 1
Author emprosnet7 Posted January 5, 2023 Author Posted January 5, 2023 (edited) 1 hour ago, basil67 said: She's a recently divorced woman who's just dipping her toe in the dating waters. However, your responses are showing a lack of compassion and insight. It may seem like "lack of compassion and insight" but it is not. For sure, it is a critic, but it is not with bad intent. When I see things that don't add up, I can be very literal. For example, how can the Universe be talking to you to take this job, or marry etc and not tell you that your marriage is in danger? The Universe was silent about that. Anyway, enough with that lol It may be a romantic notion, but I am just above average when it comes to romance. Although I don't know her very long, I can sense when someone is a good person or not. She is a very nice person and I am very careful not to hurt her feelings. Her kindness may have a connection with these romantic ideas. My motive for being kind has nothing to do with romance, I feel good when good things happen. So I wrote her today that she should take some time to heal and then see how it goes, but we phoned and she told me that she wants to meet me on Tuesday, just not in public. Edited January 5, 2023 by emprosnet7
lonelyplanetmoon Posted January 6, 2023 Posted January 6, 2023 4 hours ago, emprosnet7 said: So I wrote her today that she should take some time to heal and then see how it goes, but we phoned and she told me that she wants to meet me on Tuesday, just not in public. Oh geeze lol. Nothing is worse than slinking around in the dark because someone is ashamed or nervous about getting caught. ‘Well you sound like you have time to waste so I guess see where it goes. You only live once and you can’t regret not trying right? Maybe you can give it a time limit. We are not you so we don’t understand the investment. I do have to be honest I’m rolling my eyes on this one.
Wiseman2 Posted January 6, 2023 Posted January 6, 2023 9 hours ago, emprosnet7 said: I wrote her today that she should take some time to heal and then see how it goes, but we phoned and she told me that she wants to meet me on Tuesday, just not in public. If you like her, just keep going on dates but with caution because she's in the throes of a recent divorce. What does she mean by "not in public"? These conversations seem way too heavy for 3 or so dates. It would be best to discontinue the therapeutic talk. This is bad for both of you. You're learning about her divorce not about each other, which is the point of dating.
JTSW Posted January 6, 2023 Posted January 6, 2023 15 hours ago, emprosnet7 said: I don't regret being a shoulder to cry for her, and she told me that I am helping her. I need to know if that is all I am, or if I can be more than that. Unfortunately the answer is no. You are just an emotional rebound and nothing more. It shouldn't matter what other people think, she wasn't the one that cheated. If anything, people would be happy for her for continuing to live her life. I'm sorry OP, she just feeding you excuses because she is not ready for another relationship. She is too fresh out of a long marriage and will likely never enter into a relationship again. The best you can hope for out of this is friendship.
JTSW Posted January 6, 2023 Posted January 6, 2023 (edited) 10 hours ago, emprosnet7 said: So I wrote her today that she should take some time to heal and then see how it goes, but we phoned and she told me that she wants to meet me on Tuesday, just not in public. This is not good at all. She is ashamed to be seen with you. Tell her straight that you do not want to be her secret and that you will give her some space for a while to heal. Edited January 6, 2023 by JTSW
ExpatInItaly Posted January 6, 2023 Posted January 6, 2023 14 hours ago, emprosnet7 said: but we phoned and she told me that she wants to meet me on Tuesday, just not in public. OP, I hope you did not agree to this. Because if you did, you can flush your dignity and self-respect right down the toilet. 1
Gaeta Posted January 6, 2023 Posted January 6, 2023 14 hours ago, emprosnet7 said: but we phoned and she told me that she wants to meet me on Tuesday, just not in public. As if she was ashamed of you. Are you really going to obey by that? Tuesday is in 4 days, so you will be kept in the dark for the next 4 days, then meet in a secret. I hope your value yourself more than that.
glows Posted January 6, 2023 Posted January 6, 2023 If you’re not interested let her know you’re not a match and end it. You don’t need to tell her she needs to heal as it can come across as incredibly patronizing. Respectfully go your separate ways if this isn’t for you.
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