A Short-Lived Beginning ?

January 5, 2023

Hello to the good members of the Forum.

I met a woman via facebook. Her divorce was signed a month ago, following five months of separation. After meeting three times in person, we now talk on the phone daily (we had sex on the second date). Although we have had a great connection so far, there are some concerns on her end.

On the one hand, she wants to be with me, but on the other hand, she is concerned about what others will think, such as her ex-husband's friends, her children (aged 21 and 19), etc.

Although I have told her that age is not an issue for me, our respective ages - 49 for me and 55 for her - may be a factor for her.

Lastly, until her husband told her he was in love with another woman, she was very happy and deeply loved him. This revelation was a huge shock to her. So it is understandable that she may not be over him just yet.

I have invited her to spend a night in my place and she said that she does not want her kids to know she is sleeping in another place.

I really don't want to loose her. I told her that I just want to spend time with her, without any expectations, and suggested that we could make other arrangements.

I'm not completely confident that she truly wants me, and not just someone to lean on in her emotional state. She has told me that she is indecisive, but I don't want to lose her.

January 5, 2023

39 minutes ago, emprosnet7 said:

I really don't want to loose her

Here's the thing: after just 3 dates, you don't have her anyway.

You are too attached to the outcome already. You hardly know her. However, you are correctly reading the signs that she is not over her marriage. She probably won't be ready for another relationship for quite sometime, especially if the end of her marriage was not her choice and her husband left her for someone else. . She's going to need plenty of time to heal - much longer than 5 or 6 months.

I would keep your expectations very low and keep your options open. This probably isn't going to end up in the sort of relationship you're looking for.

January 5, 2023

It's always a bad idea to date someone recently out of a marriage/relationship. I always assumed people knew that but I am always surprised to read these stories on here.

She may be ready to receive affection and attention from a new man but she's not ready for a relationship. I am afraid you are the safe-blanket until she can stand on her 2 feet on her own. Her 2 children aren't little children anymore, they don't need to be kept in the dark about her dating. Her wanting to keep you a secret solidifies she's not ready for you.

You are her rebound and people rarely move on in life with their rebound. I'm sorry that's not what you want to hear.

About the age difference it's just an excuse. My bf is 49 & I am 57. To him my age is no issue so I am not letting it be an issue. If I can attract a man 8 years younger than more power to me!

I am afraid no, it won't last, no matter what you do.

Edited January 5, 2023 by Gaeta

January 5, 2023

After a long marriage and she found out as a surprise about a divorce coming — therr needs time to heal.

she is just divorced legally? This might be too soon for anything serious from her because she coukd be caught comparing you and him

January 5, 2023

24 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

After a long marriage and she found out as a surprise about a divorce coming — therr needs time to heal.

she is just divorced legally? This might be too soon for anything serious from her because she coukd be caught comparing you and him

Thank you for asking.

So, she is legally divorced and signed the divorce papers.

The following things strike me as "red flags":

- Until the final days of the divorce process, she was in denial and would take her ex-husband back even after he had cheated on her !?

- While things were happening behind her back, she was completely unaware and feeling happier than ever. How could someone be so out of touch with reality?

- As an excuse, her husband told her that she was neglecting him and his needs, although it seems to me that he was also selfish and tending to his needs. He hooked up with a 40 year old woman (he is 56).

- Finally, she believes that the Universe is communicating with her and giving her messages about what to do with her life. To a rational person like me, that is nonsense, but that are the worlds she uses.

To be clear, she is generally very sane and has been working for years. She is now starting her own business.

January 5, 2023

49 minutes ago, emprosnet7 said:

Although I have told her that age is not an issue for me, our respective ages - 49 for me and 55 for her - may be a factor for her.

Wow, this is like the lamest excuse ever to say if you don't want to date this person. You are practically the same age. Five or six years age difference means nothing at your age. I could see where age matters if she was, let's say 19 and you were 25. She could be just starting a college and is looking for a bit of fun and you already moving on the corporate ladder and looking to start a family. This is where age matters and the people might be incompatible. But at 49 and 55 you are the same age.

56 minutes ago, emprosnet7 said:

she is concerned about what others will think, such as her ex-husband's friends, her children (aged 21 and 19), etc.

She is not really to date. Sorry. Once she does, I suspect none of this would matter much to her. She is fully divorced, so other's have no right to judge her. Thinking about what her exes' friends would thing. As if! Yeah, another lame excuse.

59 minutes ago, emprosnet7 said:

Lastly, until her husband told her he was in love with another woman, she was very happy and deeply loved him. This revelation was a huge shock to her. So it is understandable that she may not be over him just yet.

Well, here is your answer.

OP, you never really had her in a first place. She is nowhere ready to date and keeps coming up with some lame excuses to leave. Unfortunately, nothing you can do here. It is up to her to seek a therapist if she wishes to help her to move on. But I don't think there is much of what you can do in order for her to like you more. Let's just say she is a hot mess right now. Things might be completely different few years down the road once she accepts the divorce and is going to be finally ready to move on. But as of now, no.

1 hour ago, emprosnet7 said:

I'm not completely confident that she truly wants me

To be fair, it's only been a few dates. How much do you want a stranger (and be honest, this woman is still a stranger to you) want to be in love with you? It is way too soon.

Maybe try not to rush things or her. Take things very slowly and don't try to rush anything. There is a little chance that this is going to work out in a long run but if you want to take it, well, take it.

28 minutes ago, emprosnet7 said:

The following things strike me as "red flags":

- Until the final days of the divorce process, she was in denial and would take her ex-husband back even after he had cheated on her !?

- While things were happening behind her back, she was completely unaware and feeling happier than ever. How could someone be so out of touch with reality?

- As an excuse, her husband told her that she was neglecting him and his needs, although it seems to me that he was also selfish and tending to his needs. He hooked up with a 40 year old woman (he is 56).

- Finally, she believes that the Universe is communicating with her and giving her messages about what to do with her life. To a rational person like me, that is nonsense, but that are the worlds she uses.

To be clear, she is generally very sane and has been working for years. She is now starting her own business.

There is no need to bash her even further to make her appear to be even more unstable. The thing is she is not ready for anything meaningful long term as of now. This is a problem here. You may accept it and stay or you can leave. Just tell her that you don't think that the two of you are a good match and end it. It's only been three dates after all.

The better question would be to ask yourself is to why are you came attached to the emotionally unavailable woman after only 3 dates? And very upset that she cannot give you what you want. And since she can't, let's take some jabs at her about her ex and her chooses and beliefs that do look bad for you (in a way, you are punishing her). Seriously, neither of you owe each other anything. She is not in a good place emotionally now. It is up to you to to stay and play a therapist role for her or to leave.

January 5, 2023

49 minutes ago, emprosnet7 said:

The following things strike me as "red flags":

Unfortunately the biggest red flag is talking about her marriage/divorce way too much.

It does seem like she's not ready to date and simply wants a shoulder to cry on.

It's ok to take it slowly, but you need to protect yourself from being a rebound or a free therapist.

Go on dates, have fun and talk about things other than her husband/divorce.

January 5, 2023

1 hour ago, emprosnet7 said:

- Until the final days of the divorce process, she was in denial and would take her ex-husband back even after he had cheated on her !?

- While things were happening behind her back, she was completely unaware and feeling happier than ever. How could someone be so out of touch with reality?

- As an excuse, her husband told her that she was neglecting him and his needs, although it seems to me that he was also selfish and tending to his needs. He hooked up with a 40 year old woman (he is 56).

- Finally, she believes that the Universe is communicating with her and giving her messages about what to do with her life. To a rational person like me, that is nonsense, but that are the worlds she uses.

Of course they're all red flags, she is not done mourning the lost of the man/relationship she wanted.

All you're describing (except the universe communicating with her) are normal hurt. I was deeply in love with my ex when he cheated on me and I would have taken him back in a heartbeat, he told me I neglected his needs as well but 2 years later now I can see clear he was just being selfish. What she is going through is NORMAL, it will take her 1-2- maybe 3 years to see what you see, that's why we don't date people recently out of marriage/relationship.

January 5, 2023

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately the biggest red flag is talking about her marriage/divorce way too much.

It does seem like she's not ready to date and simply wants a shoulder to cry on.

It's ok to take it slowly, but you need to protect yourself from being a rebound or a free therapist.

Go on dates, have fun and talk about things other than her husband/divorce.

Yes that is some good advice. I don't regret being a shoulder to cry for her, and she told me that I am helping her. I need to know if that is all I am, or if I can be more than that.

She seems to be too concerned about what other people will say. I think that it is not an excuse. For example, she would go on a trip with me because there would not be any people we know there.

January 5, 2023

4 minutes ago, emprosnet7 said:

She seems to be too concerned about what other people will say. I think that it is not an excuse. For example, she would go on a trip with me because there would not be any people we know there.

That's very simple. She doesn't want people to know, or her children to know, because she doesn't want her ex to know she is dating. She is still hoping he'll change his mind and come back to her, she's still loving him.

January 5, 2023

Op she is emotionally unavailable because she is still in love with her husband. Can you not see that?

Shes only been divorced 5 minutes. How can you not see that she is not ready to date? She’s hurting and grieving and is probably still in shock at the sudden and unexpected demise of her marriage.

I’m assuming that her husband is the father of her adult children? If so she was with him a long time and it takes a considerably long time to heal.

You’re being very unkind to yourself if you don’t open your eyes and understand that you are simply a rebound. An emotional crutch to help her through this transition.

Don’t assume that a divorce decree equates to severing all emotional ties to the spouse. It doesn’t.

I really don’t understand how you can get so emotionally invested after 3 dates to a situation that’s clear emotionally non- investable.

You say that you don’t want to lose her but the reality it that you cannot have her, and you won’t be able to for a long time.

January 5, 2023

I think you ought to just take her for her word instead of reading into her emotional state. Way too many assumptions there.

She told you directly she’s not wanting her kids to know she’s sleeping elsewhere. You have only seen her 3 times and it sounds like 1 of them was an at home date or led to sex. This is too fast too soon. Even if she wasn’t newly divorced a lot of people don’t just jump to spending a lot of time over at each others’ houses.

January 5, 2023

30 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

That's very simple. She doesn't want people to know, or her children to know, because she doesn't want her ex to know she is dating. She is still hoping he'll change his mind and come back to her, she's still loving him.

Yes, I think that must be case. I very much agree with you. I have to say, that I am not a jealous person and I understand that she has feelings for him.

On the other hand, she is not thinking rational that he will come back to her. Perhaps she believes that after a few years, he will lose interest in his lover and she will take him back.

If that is the case, I have no future with her. When an idea is rooted in someone's mind, it is difficult to accept reality.

Edited January 5, 2023 by emprosnet7

January 5, 2023

She doesn't sound ready for another relationship. She still has feelings for her ex husband and she's not over the divorce. Keep your expectations really low here and give her space.

January 5, 2023

8 minutes ago, glows said:

I think you ought to just take her for her word instead of reading into her emotional state. Way too many assumptions there.

She told you directly she’s not wanting her kids to know she’s sleeping elsewhere. You have only seen her 3 times and it sounds like 1 of them was an at home date or led to sex. This is too fast too soon. Even if she wasn’t newly divorced a lot of people don’t just jump to spending a lot of time over at each others’ houses.

I have been on dates that were so bad because there was no connection so when you connect with someone so well, you naturally want to continue.

January 5, 2023

1 minute ago, emprosnet7 said:

I have been on dates that were so bad because there was no connection so when you connect with someone so well, you naturally want to continue.

Continuing is not the same as pushing forcefully or hurrying something. Slow down and see where this goes.

January 5, 2023

1 minute ago, emprosnet7 said:

I have been on dates that were so bad because there was no connection so when you connect with someone so well, you naturally want to continue.

And you have to know when to let go of the wrong person. Even when you feel a connection. Dating does not work until one day it works. We all know people that are in love with the wrong person, don't be one of them. It's 3 dates, you will get over it fast. Do not keep in touch, don't play her friend or her transition boyfriend. You sound like someone looking for a deep mutual connection, you will find it, but not with her.

January 5, 2023

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

And you have to know when to let go of the wrong person. Even when you feel a connection. Dating does not work until one day it works. We all know people that are in love with the wrong person, don't be one of them. It's 3 dates, you will get over it fast. Do not keep in touch, don't play her friend or her transition boyfriend. You sound like someone looking for a deep mutual connection, you will find it, but not with her.

Hopefully, I will know today from her response.

January 5, 2023

9 minutes ago, glows said:

Continuing is not the same as pushing forcefully or hurrying something. Slow down and see where this goes.

I am acting based on her responses, which have been very wanting of me so far. So your notion is not accurate.

January 5, 2023

3 minutes ago, emprosnet7 said:

I am acting based on her responses, which have been very wanting of me so far. So your notion is not accurate.

Which notion? I think you’ve misunderstood what I was referring to. She doesn’t want to do sleepovers at your place so stop suggesting this. It doesn’t mean you’ll lose her. Dial it back and take your time dating.

January 5, 2023

54 minutes ago, emprosnet7 said:

Yes that is some good advice. I don't regret being a shoulder to cry for her, and she told me that I am helping her. I need to know if that is all I am, or if I can be more than that.

She seems to be too concerned about what other people will say. I think that it is not an excuse. For example, she would go on a trip with me because there would not be any people we know there.

Yes right now with her talking about him means she is still her by this and not ready to invest in a new relationship.

thr idea someone talks about an ex who thry married and had kids with is NOT a sign of thry aren’t ready to date.

January 5, 2023

13 minutes ago, glows said:

Which notion? I think you’ve misunderstood what I was referring to. She doesn’t want to do sleepovers at your place so stop suggesting this. It doesn’t mean you’ll lose her. Dial it back and take your time dating.

Please, you don't have the complete picture. You said I am "pushing forcefully" and I told you that you are wrong. Can't you just accept it?

About the sleepover, at first she said yes, then backed away. Why are you hanging on to this fact? This is not that important to me as you make it to be.

Edited January 5, 2023 by emprosnet7

January 5, 2023

15 minutes ago, emprosnet7 said:

Please, you don't have the complete picture. You said I am "pushing forcefully" and I told you that you are wrong. Can't you just accept it?

About the sleepover, at first she said yes, then backed away. Why are you hanging on to this fact? This is not that important to me as you make it to be.

All you can do is focus on what she says and make sure her actions align. If she’s hot and cold it means she’s not ready to date. You seem very sensitive and upset when my intention was to actually encourage you to be more patient and see where this goes instead of tossing this out completely.

January 5, 2023

My recent story is very similar and here's what happened. I'm 44 and met someone a month ago who was 34. She split from her abusive ex six years ago and is still traumatized by it. Has trouble connecting with people, feeling happy, has largely transient relationships with men. From my amateur point of view, I believe she suffers from PTSD. I don't believe she realizes it or is ready to confront it.

My belief is that you cannot form a successful relationship under these circumstances. The trauma has to be processed. Although I cared about her very deeply for her and saw a potential future for us, I essentially provoked her into breaking it off with me. It still hurts a lot, but I have no doubts that it would hurt a lot more if I would have stuck around. She's not ready. There's no telling if she ever will be. I can't wait around to find out. We don't live forever.

Your interest is not over her ex. She can't be in love with two men at the same time. And I predict that she won't get over him while dating you at the same time. It's your life, but I would use my time to find someone who's emotionally available. That's what I'm doing.

Edited January 5, 2023 by helloladies21

January 5, 2023

She's not even close to being ready to date. Just to be clear, for most people a divorce (even one they want) hits really hard.

And she hasn't done the work of recovering and making sense of the divorce. You describe her (she describes herself) as out of touch, confused, totally misreading her husband the marriage.

She needs to come to terms with that misreading and update her software and close up some of her naivete (which she can do without being bitter).

Sounds like a rebound to me. But she's not even close to being ready for marriage.

One of these times you have sex with her, she'll likely call out her husband's name--that's how much exes are on the mine right after a divorce.

A year minimum after a divorce is a prudent time to wait, but most people seem to need longer. So she sounds clueless still about her emotions--getting involved with you so quickly.

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