Gaslighting?

[Cyro]

I am 5O and was talking to someone long distance for 2 years. She was half my age. She contacted me first through a dating site. So after some hesitation due to her age I started talking to her. I was kind of shocked. it seemed great we seemed a lot alike. I tried to make my intentions known. I was clear that i wanted to pursue a serious relationship and marriage if things  worked out after meeting.  I believe I was clear. We messaged daily and talked by phone. She lives overseas. i was planning to met her.  that was my goal. I really grew to trust her and care for her as a dear friend. Anyway, my mother had a stroke a few months ago.  And it was at this point my best friend seemed distant and she finally told be she had recently started talking to someone else and wanted to be just friends with me. I had a lot of questions because this seemed out of character for her. Basically she claimed i took things too far, she didnt want to hurt me,  and we did not talk about deep enough things but she was sorry and hoped we could stay friends.  I wanted to know why she chose a nother person over me. She said the guy she is talking to she feels he is the one and they talk about everything. I let her know that this hurt me and made me angry, but i forgave her. But I also told her we can remain friends but it will not be like before. From now on she will be just another friend to me and not my best friend anymore. I will not confide in her basically and talk to her like I did before. I really liked her and thought she was the one. She told me once she had my back and I said the same and I meant it. Obviously she didn't . So, I have communicated less and less with her after asking the questions I needed to ask. It was hard hearing her say that she was talking to another guy and he seemed like teh man of her dreams. I don't think they have met either in person. So, at christmas she messaged me and said she hoped i was okay. this was maybe 2 weeks after I last messaged her.  I messaged her back and said I have a cold but i was fine and hoped she was too. Short and simple. She messaged me again today and said she hoped i was okay. I guess a new years message because I never wished her a Merry christmas or a happy new year. So far I have not messaged back. What should I do?  Is she just feeling guilty? Gaslighting?  I am starting to get over her . It's crazy. i still care for her a lot, but I don't think I could ever get over what she did and how she did it during a time  when I kind of needed her.  Trust and loyalty mean everything to me and I don't think I will ever trust her again.

[JTSW]

Sorry OP, I think it's best that you cut contact with her.

You were obviously not the only other guy she was talking to and she obviously never felt the same way as you.

Sounds to me that she enjoys the attention from men.

You never met her so just think of this as a learning experience.

 

[glows]

She thinks of you as a friend and not anything more than that according to her. She has someone else she’s interested in.

Her reaching out appears platonic and no one can tell you why she does it. She just does. It’s a good idea to ask yourself how it’s holding you back from dating or meeting others. Is keeping in contact with her putting your life on hold? May I ask if you’re also looking into dating locally? Is there anything preventing you from meeting local women?

Age may be a factor in lack of attraction but the more pressing issue is you’ve not ever met this person before. You’re picking the most difficult and challenging way to get to know someone (ldr) as a stranger then taking it into dating and a relationship. 

 

[Cyro]

8 hours ago, JTSW said:

Sorry OP, I think it's best that you cut contact with her.

You were obviously not the only other guy she was talking to and she obviously never felt the same way as you.

Sounds to me that she enjoys the attention from men.

You never met her so just think of this as a learning experience.

 

I think you are right. She does tiktok videos and I think she wants attention and doesn't know what she wants yet.

[Cyro]

13 minutes ago, glows said:

She thinks of you as a friend and not anything more than that according to her. She has someone else she’s interested in.

Her reaching out appears platonic and no one can tell you why she does it. She just does. It’s a good idea to ask yourself how it’s holding you back from dating or meeting others. Is keeping in contact with her putting your life on hold? May I ask if you’re also looking into dating locally? Is there anything preventing you from meeting local women?

Age may be a factor in lack of attraction but the more pressing issue is you’ve not ever met this person before. You’re picking the most difficult and challenging way to get to know someone (ldr) as a stranger then taking it into dating and a relationship. 

 

I will never trust her again other than as a platonic friend.  in general I prefer women from outside the united states but i am open to dating  close to home as well.

[glows]

16 minutes ago, Cyro said:

I will never trust her again other than as a platonic friend.  in general I prefer women from outside the united states but i am open to dating  close to home as well.

I’ve heard this before in some others I’ve talked with, a combination of preference for another culture and also opportunity to travel. Unfortunately there’s a lot you don’t know or can’t see firsthand dating long distance. It’s different if you both started out locally and one or both have to move temporarily with the idea of returning eventually. It’s much more challenging and not recommended for someone to start chatting with someone many miles or km away and hope it turns into a stable and healthy relationship. 

I would have questions also as to why the other person wants to date outside their country and ulterior motives for doing so - green card/residency? Lack of options or dishonest about their current situation? There are too many unknowns and a red flag for someone looking to very date far out. 

It’s good that you’re opening up your options to dating locally as well.

[ShyViolet]

It was a mistake to let yourself get carried away with this fake online relationship.  Dating is an in-person activity, it's not something you can truly do with a penpal in another country who you have never met in person.  You let yourself get invested in someone you did not really know, and then of course you ended up getting hurt because this was not a real relationship.  Next time date properly with someone who you can actually spend time with in person.

[Wiseman2]

Although "gaslighting" is a commonly used term for systematic deception to instill doubt, this situation seems to be more along the lines of catfishing in the sense that the online persona is not who you think it is.

[smackie9]

Gas lighting is someone that manipulates you into doubting the truth/ what you believe. It's a diversion tactic used by abusive people. She's not that. After 2 years of a going nowhere internet relationship, her interest faded and she has moved on. You are best to do so yourself, and cut all contact with her. 

[basil67]

Look at this logically:  with the exception of a mail order bride (for want of a better description), why would a 25yo women seriously be considered a future with a man twice her age who she's never met?    And even if she was looking for marriage to escape her country, why would she put herself on hold for two years for a man she's never met?

If you're looking to date overseas, you will need to be prepared to travel to her so as to build the relationship

[Cyro]

15 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

It was a mistake to let yourself get carried away with this fake online relationship.  Dating is an in-person activity, it's not something you can truly do with a penpal in another country who you have never met in person.  You let yourself get invested in someone you did not really know, and then of course you ended up getting hurt because this was not a real relationship.  Next time date properly with someone who you can actually spend time with in person.

I  wouldn't say it was a fake relationship we met on a dating site like many people do and were friends and discussed the possibility of meeting and being more than friends. I don't think she is trying to escape anything as far as her life. In general she is a wonderful person. I view any friendship whether developed over time  in person or remotely as a real friendship.  I know many don't but I say what I mean and mean what i say to people, but again I know many people are not that way even those you meet in person. So, it is hurtful anytime someone takes a friendship for granted, especially when you have been discussing dating with and meeting, etc. But as someone pointed out. Maybe she just got tired of waiting or her interest changed. it happens.  I guess my issue is if she had said a few months back  that she just wanted to be friends i would not have been hurt by that. "Hey I like you but i think we should just keep it as friends cause i want to talk to other people." Not ideal but understandable. Just the way it went down did not set well with me and I lost a lot of respect for her.  She actually messaged me again today asking how I was.  I think she is just feeling guilty because she knows what she did was hurtful to a friend and it kind of ruined our friendship.. Anyway, I know I am rambling, but I appreciate the responses. I m definitely open  to meeting those that are closer.

[ExpatInItaly]

She isn't gaslighting you. 

She was clear that she has met someone else and wants to pursue that. She isn't trying to convince you of anything false. However, you are all operating on a fantasy-level, to one extent or another. If you couldn't manage to meet in 2 years, how did you envision a real relationship happening? It does not sound viable or realistic. 

Also, be careful not to  generalize about women abroad. Like any other culture around the world, they would come with their own sets of challenges or points of conflict. Everyone does. And in fact, you might find that is magnified due to the culture clash itself. I say that as someone who lives abroad, by the way, and can speak from first-hand experience (and I am a woman) You seem to be reaching elsewhere for love, when you may realize it's even harder to manage because of the differences in lifestyle, mindset, expectations, language, distance, and so on. Look where you are now - no closer to having a partner. It is probably time to reset your parameters so you don't waste time chasing unrealistic prospects and still wind up with nothing to show for it. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Cyro said:

. I m definitely open  to meeting those that are closer.

That's a great start. Delete and block this woman from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Then invest in setting up a good profile and pics on quality dating apps. 

[Cyro]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She isn't gaslighting you. 

She was clear that she has met someone else and wants to pursue that. She isn't trying to convince you of anything false. However, you are all operating on a fantasy-level, to one extent or another. If you couldn't manage to meet in 2 years, how did you envision a real relationship happening? It does not sound viable or realistic. 

Also, be careful not to  generalize about women abroad. Like any other culture around the world, they would come with their own sets of challenges or points of conflict. Everyone does. And in fact, you might find that is magnified due to the culture clash itself. I say that as someone who lives abroad, by the way, and can speak from first-hand experience (and I am a woman) You seem to be reaching elsewhere for love, when you may realize it's even harder to manage because of the differences in lifestyle, mindset, expectations, language, distance, and so on. Look where you are now - no closer to having a partner. It is probably time to reset your parameters so you don't waste time chasing unrealistic prospects and still wind up with nothing to show for it. 

There are good and bad people every where and differences in every human being. But I prefer women from abroad. Everyone has a preference. I don't believe in limiting myself based on a geographic location when it comes to getting to know people. That is probably the great thing about the internet and air travel. I also don't tend to rush into relationships. I take my time getting to know people. If they want a fast whirlwind romance then I am not that guy. I know that is not everyone's cup of tea but there are also a lot of divorced unhappy people in the world. I think a real lasting relationship takes time to build.  I believe in friendship, courtship, and then marriage.  I made a promise to myself a long time ago that I would never have a child out of wedlock or abandon that child and I would never get divorced  if I got married. I would never do what my father did to my mother and I.  So, I am probably too picky. But those are my standards.  And by gaslighting I don't think it would be intentional on her part. It probably was not the right word to  use. She is not a narcissist. It was my fault because i put too much faith in her. I thought she new what she wanted and we were working toward the same goals, but obviously not.  People can tell you one thing and change their mind or mean another  whether they live next door or in Katmandu. And yes she made her choice, but A. it was done a bit underhandedly. She didn't just say, "hey I am talking to someone else I am more interested in so lets just be friends", I had to drag it out of her. That's just not cool.  Second she moved on , but she messaged me twice this week after seeing I have moved on. As a friend she was checking on me I guess, but I think she also regrets losing the friendship we had. And who knows maybe things aren't going so well with the new guy or maybe they are. But I am ready to look for other fish in the ocean. I hope things workout for her. Everyone deserves to be happy.

[Cyro]

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's a great start. Delete and block this woman from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Then invest in setting up a good profile and pics on quality dating apps. 

I'm so tempted to block her, but I  rarely block anyone lol. Well, I  guess I compromised. I unfriended her on FB but still connected on Instagram. But I will be investing my time elsewhere and putting up some profiles on other apps. I have actually been hearing from women from some apps and I saw a lovely women at a whole foods recently. In hindsight I do see the positives in  that online friendship not working out. I can widen my net and refocus my goals.

 

[glows]

She’s not dating you and you’ve never met her. Block her and free up your time to meet someone locally. 

[ExpatInItaly]

57 minutes ago, Cyro said:

I don't believe in limiting myself based on a geographic location when it comes to getting to know people.

The problem with this is that you can't possibly get to know someone on any significant level when they live a plane-ride away, and you can't meet them regularly. 

You're actually creating more limits by cutting off local women in favour of women you might never meet. 

[MsJayne]

No, it's definitely not gaslighting.  It's far more likely that she's a scammer looking for older men who'll give her money.  Unless you're wealthy there's no reason why a 25 yo woman would want to be with someone twice her age who she's never even met. Sorry, but that's the ugly truth of far-away women chatting to older men. Especially if they come from certain countries with lower socio-economic conditions. Just be grateful she didn't fleece you of any money. 

[sunflowerlover]

On 1/5/2023 at 1:11 PM, Cyro said:

There are good and bad people every where and differences in every human being. But I prefer women from abroad. Everyone has a preference. I don't believe in limiting myself based on a geographic location when it comes to getting to know people. That is probably the great thing about the internet and air travel. I also don't tend to rush into relationships. I take my time getting to know people. If they want a fast whirlwind romance then I am not that guy. I know that is not everyone's cup of tea but there are also a lot of divorced unhappy people in the world. I think a real lasting relationship takes time to build.  I believe in friendship, courtship, and then marriage.  I made a promise to myself a long time ago that I would never have a child out of wedlock or abandon that child and I would never get divorced  if I got married. I would never do what my father did to my mother and I.  So, I am probably too picky. But those are my standards.  And by gaslighting I don't think it would be intentional on her part. It probably was not the right word to  use. She is not a narcissist. It was my fault because i put too much faith in her. I thought she new what she wanted and we were working toward the same goals, but obviously not.  People can tell you one thing and change their mind or mean another  whether they live next door or in Katmandu. And yes she made her choice, but A. it was done a bit underhandedly. She didn't just say, "hey I am talking to someone else I am more interested in so lets just be friends", I had to drag it out of her. That's just not cool.  Second she moved on , but she messaged me twice this week after seeing I have moved on. As a friend she was checking on me I guess, but I think she also regrets losing the friendship we had. And who knows maybe things aren't going so well with the new guy or maybe they are. But I am ready to look for other fish in the ocean. I hope things workout for her. Everyone deserves to be happy.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you,yes everyone does deserve to be happy,I hope you find someone that will be true to you.