mandii_b20 Posted January 3, 2023 Posted January 3, 2023 (edited) So I am looking to get some kind of advice on how I should handle this situation. Here it goes so my bf and I have been together for almost 2 years he has lived with me for the past year and 3 months, I am looking to paint and remodel my bathroom and to no avail has he tried to help pay for anything. He says he isn't putting money towards a house that isn't his. Am I wrong into thinking that he should be helping to maintain a house that he is living in with me? Or should I just let it go and pay for everything myself? Keep in mind that for the past few months he hasn't even been paying anything to live here. He buys groceries here and there and a bought a faucet for the kitchen sink but is that enough or am I asking for too much? Please help. Edited January 3, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator formatting
Weezy1973 Posted January 3, 2023 Posted January 3, 2023 4 minutes ago, mandii_b20 said: Am I wrong into thinking that he should be helping to maintain a house that he is living in with me? He should not be paying for the reno. 10 minutes ago, mandii_b20 said: Keep in mind that for the past few months he hasn't even been paying anything to live here. He buys groceries here and there and a bought a faucet for the kitchen sink but is that enough or am I asking for too much? There is no formula for something like this. What was the discussion like when moving in together was brought up? Was it agreed living expenses would be split 50 / 50? Generally I’d say If you own the place, all ownership costs are yours (mortgage, property tax, renovations etc.) as you’d be paying for those whether he lived with you or not. Living expenses you share like groceries, power, heat, etc. can be shared.
Author mandii_b20 Posted January 3, 2023 Author Posted January 3, 2023 (edited) To be honest there wasn't a discussion I have been paying my way since my divorce and he really hasn't offered to help pay for anything Edited January 3, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator formatting
Weezy1973 Posted January 3, 2023 Posted January 3, 2023 10 minutes ago, mandii_b20 said: To be honest there wasn't a discussion I have been paying my way since my divorce and he really hasn't offered to help pay for anything Well you need to have a discussion with him. To me, like I said, living expenses can be shared but ownership costs will be yours. But you need to talk to him about it. Is he employed? What’s his debt situation like? Why did you decide to have him live with you? 1
Author mandii_b20 Posted January 3, 2023 Author Posted January 3, 2023 (edited) Yes he's self employed not sure about the debt he has but I have some. Honestly not sure why I asked him to move In 1st it was supposed to help with rent and like u said living expenses but then that kind of stalled and he and I have been together simply for the company and comfort from what I am seeing now a days Edited January 3, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator formatting
basil67 Posted January 3, 2023 Posted January 3, 2023 (edited) As he doesn't own the house, he should not pay for renovations or repairs. However, as a tenant, he should pay rent, half the food and half the utilities Edited January 3, 2023 by basil67
glows Posted January 3, 2023 Posted January 3, 2023 1 hour ago, mandii_b20 said: To be honest there wasn't a discussion I have been paying my way since my divorce and he really hasn't offered to help pay for anything It appears there was a discussion even if it was brief. He disagrees with you. 1 hour ago, mandii_b20 said: He says he isn't putting money towards a house that isn't his. He seems to be aware of your expectations or at least have some idea of it. Why not clarify those expectations? What is he like when you speak with him? Is he pleasant to deal with or rude and argumentative?
Author mandii_b20 Posted January 3, 2023 Author Posted January 3, 2023 He gets a bit stand off ish and then starts to get aggravated then argumentative I mean he's helping me as far as getting in contact with the right people but as far as financial help in improving the house its all on My shoulders
glows Posted January 3, 2023 Posted January 3, 2023 Unfortunately you have your answer. You both disagree on this and he doesn’t want to pay for upgrades or improvements. It sounds like he dislikes when you push on this subject. How’s your relationship with him? Are you attracted to him?
basil67 Posted January 3, 2023 Posted January 3, 2023 3 minutes ago, mandii_b20 said: He gets a bit stand off ish and then starts to get aggravated then argumentative I mean he's helping me as far as getting in contact with the right people but as far as financial help in improving the house its all on My shoulders What happens when you ask him for rent? Naturally, the rent money is yours to do with as you please, including paying towards renovations. 1
spiritedaway2003 Posted January 3, 2023 Posted January 3, 2023 Why is he living in your apartment rent free? He shouldn’t. 1
Weezy1973 Posted January 3, 2023 Posted January 3, 2023 3 hours ago, basil67 said: However, as a tenant, he should pay rent, half the food and half the utilities OP is he a tenant? Was that agreed to when you asked him to move in? Did he sign a tenancy agreement? Also did you have a tenant before him moving in? If the answer to those questions is no, then really there’s no reason for him to pay rent. And he definitely shouldn’t be paying for your home Reno’s. Sharing living expenses like food, heat, internet and whatnot I think is reasonable to ask. You can even ask him to pay rent if you want but that might upset him especially if you didn’t mention it when you asked him to move in. Also, where was he living before he moved in?
basil67 Posted January 3, 2023 Posted January 3, 2023 (edited) 2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said: OP is he a tenant? Was that agreed to when you asked him to move in? Did he sign a tenancy agreement? Also did you have a tenant before him moving in? Perhaps I've used the wrong term. I'm talking about living with a friend or partner and having an informal agreement to contribute to the cost of housing. Edited January 3, 2023 by basil67
Weezy1973 Posted January 3, 2023 Posted January 3, 2023 22 minutes ago, basil67 said: Perhaps I've used the wrong term. I'm talking about living with a friend or partner and having an informal agreement to contribute to the cost of housing. It seems like no discussions or agreements were had or made. OP you seem like you didn’t really give much thought into it when you asked him to move in with you.
Wiseman2 Posted January 3, 2023 Posted January 3, 2023 8 hours ago, mandii_b20 said: . He buys groceries here and there and a bought a faucet for the kitchen sink but is that enough or am I asking for too much? It would be best to have a written formal lease to prevent these misunderstandings. Draw something up where there's a specific amount of rent which may include utilities etc. Figure out your monthly overhead and charge him half. This ad hoc approach is going to be problematic. There will be chronic resentment and misunderstanding. He's correct that he should not contribute financially or in terms of labor to home improvements. You deduct whatever parts and labor from his rent. However he can't just mooch and live for free. It's unwise for both of you to treat him like a houseguest that does some handiwork. Also be careful, once he's lived there a while that's his "residence" and you'll have to formally evict him if he won't leave.
Author mandii_b20 Posted January 3, 2023 Author Posted January 3, 2023 2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said: It seems like no discussions or agreements were had or made. OP you seem like you didn’t really give much thought into it when you asked him to move in with you. 6 hours ago, spiritedaway2003 said: Why is he living in your apartment rent free? He shouldn’t. Hes not living in my home rent free anymore he was for about 6 months now he pays $400 and tbh we go out to eat a lot and we hardly go grocery shopping so when we go out it's like I pay the bill then next time he pays or when he does go grocery shopping it's usually all stuff he wants and eats then he says he contributes by buying the groceries idk honestly I didn't think it through when asking him to move in so far it seems like it's been an uphill battle and communication seems like it's a long way from understanding one another 6 hours ago, spiritedaway2003 said:
Wiseman2 Posted January 3, 2023 Posted January 3, 2023 8 hours ago, mandii_b20 said: but as far as financial help in improving the house its all on My shoulders You are 100% in the right to charge someone rent for living in your house. However he is under no obligation to buy groceries or provide free labor. You can not implore him to do that. If he refuses to pay rent, ask him to leave. That's legal, but you can't demand unpaid labor.
Healingme Posted January 3, 2023 Posted January 3, 2023 Hi, harmony in a home is all about agreements. What did you two agree on as his contribution? How often did you guys agree he would make said contributions? If none were made in the beginning, it's a recipe for anyone to slack. Flexibility is next. Having a flexible teammate is ideal, someone who will roll with the punches and help to their best ability. Does he have the money? It may be easier to decline based on "it's not my house" rather than say " I'm broke and I can't" 2
Lotsgoingon Posted January 3, 2023 Posted January 3, 2023 The problem isn't the bathroom, that's just your latest trigger. The fundamental problem is he's not paying rent. Why is he not paying rent? Why are you dating someone not paying rent? You only allow that when you and the partner make a mutual decision that is in your both of your best interests. One partner is legitimately (not faking) starting a business, a business that the other partner thinks is a great idea. And you agree for a while--for a time--that the business person doesn't pay rent. But that kind of giving requires deep trust, usually marriage, and a GREAT marriage . Sounds to me like this guy is acting like a bum, freeloading--and you're being way too nice. And so his refusal to do work in the bathroom has understandably annoyed you. You're simply too nice to say, "Dude, I'm letting you live here with free rent. And you won't do some basic work that I ask for?" This guy is not entitled to say "no" on some basic housework if he's not paying rent. Doesn't matter if your idea is smart or dumb or smart and dumb. He should be hustling to help to make up for not paying rent. And he's not. I don't care how much you like him, his behavior is the definition of a loser, a freeloader, an ingrate. A bum, as the old folks would say. To be blunt: you need to lose this guy. You're helping him and he's not showing appreciation (I don't mean some occasional words--I mean action!). He is the wrong kind of person to be offering free rent to. Makes total sense that you would react to his refusal to help in the bathroom. Let me guess: you work and he doesn't. Share this situation with your grandmother and see what she thinks.
MsJayne Posted January 3, 2023 Posted January 3, 2023 My partner's been living in my house rent-free for over two years. He gives me money towards groceries and pays half the power bill. I'm about to sell my house and there's been a lot of maintenance work to do and he's been fantastic, fixing everything, buying materials, etc. Yesterday he and his plumber buddy started the laundry reno, I don't have to pay for any of it. You're putting a roof over your BF's head, if he was fair-minded he'd offer to help you. Not because he owes you, (which he does), but because he's a decent person, (which he isn't). 2
basil67 Posted January 3, 2023 Posted January 3, 2023 10 hours ago, mandii_b20 said: Hes not living in my home rent free anymore he was for about 6 months now he pays $400 and tbh we go out to eat a lot and we hardly go grocery shopping so when we go out it's like I pay the bill then next time he pays or when he does go grocery shopping it's usually all stuff he wants and eats then he says he contributes by buying the groceries idk honestly I didn't think it through when asking him to move in so far it seems like it's been an uphill battle and communication seems like it's a long way from understanding one another Ok, so he is paying rent. Is this close to market value for a room in your area? If it is, then he's paying enough. If it's not close to market value, then increase it. The money from the rent can be used to help pay your renovations. 3
NuevoYorko Posted January 3, 2023 Posted January 3, 2023 Which is it? Quote for the past few months he hasn't even been paying anything to live here. Quote Hes not living in my home rent free anymore he was for about 6 months now he pays $400 Why change your story. It's pretty hard to be helpful when people do this. Anyway I will move on to how he buys groceries that only he likes and eats on his own. Clearly your relationship is not good and even as roommates you are failing. You need to do what lots of roommates do: Either split all expenses (this is ON TOP of rent): Power, water, Internet, etc. 50/50. Also either split grocery costs 50/50, or do not share food. His rent should be in line with similar rental situations in your area. As you've already heard, him helping with renovations whether it's by paying or labor, that's not his responsibility. If you two were working towards a shared future he'd probably be inclined to help with things that would improve your property and help you out, but this doesn't seem to be the case. Why are you living together? 1
ShyViolet Posted January 4, 2023 Posted January 4, 2023 It is not reasonable to expect anyone to help pay the costs of renovations on a house that they do not own. So you shouldn't be expecting him to do that. It was a mistake for you to let him move into your house without a clear agreement in *writing* on exactly how much rent he will pay. If you feel that the rent of $400 that he's paying is too low, then you need to have a discussion with him that it needs to be changed. And if he is uncooperative or gets defensive, then it's time to kick him out of your house. 1
BaileyB Posted January 5, 2023 Posted January 5, 2023 (edited) On 1/2/2023 at 7:09 PM, mandii_b20 said: He says he isn't putting money towards a house that isn't his. He’s right. On 1/2/2023 at 7:09 PM, mandii_b20 said: Am I wrong into thinking that he should be helping to maintain a house that he is living in with me? No. But, you let him move in without any kind of agreement with him - and that was a big mistake. On 1/2/2023 at 7:09 PM, mandii_b20 said: Or should I just let it go and pay for everything myself? Keep in mind that for the past few months he hasn't even been paying anything to live here. Indeed, is he or is he not paying rent? And is it the going rate, or not? Regardless, you want a partner who is going to pay his fair share and not balk when you want to talk about expenses/money. As they say, disagreement about money is one of the leading contributors to divorce. If you can’t communicate and find an arrangement that benefits you both, in which both parties are responsible, then this does not bode well for the future. Edited January 5, 2023 by BaileyB 2
BaileyB Posted January 5, 2023 Posted January 5, 2023 On 1/3/2023 at 7:40 PM, ShyViolet said: You need to have a discussion with him and if he is uncooperative or gets defensive, then it's time to kick him out of your house. Absolutely, without a doubt.
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