nightsailing Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 hi everyone, i am new to the forum and i am in need of some objective feedback. i have been dating this guy for 3 months. we see each other just about every weekend and sometimes during the week. at the beginning, we were seeing each other everyday, but realized we had jobs and needed to sleep. anyways, he's wonderful...absolutely wonderful. the strong connection between us is that our lives are parallel. our relationship contains all the elements that an official relationship would have, but he won't commit. also, he won't include me in his social circle. when my friends have a gathering, i always take him with me. he enjoys talking to me everyday, but i am the one that always calls him. he told me that he would never cheat on me and that he isn't looking to date anyway else. talk about mixed signals. i am wondering if he is too comfortable with me or my other theory is that he is not use to someone treating him nice and with respect. his previous girlfriends treated him like s*it and he got burned with $$. we always hear about "nice guys" finishing last...the girl always goes back to the guy who treated her bad. i can empathize with those "nice guys" because this "nice girl" is feeling their pain. i just don't get it. I'm not in love and I am not looking to get married next week. I can about him deeply and we could have a great thing going if he would just take a chance. thanks for listening...bye for now.
Outcast Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 Deep down, some people don't feel worthy of love. They somehow feel, odd as it may seem, more comfortable with being mistreated than with being treated well. Unless they recognize and deal with these issues, they are likely to continue repeating the same behaviors over and over. Having said that, three months is a little soon to commit, particularly for someone who's been burned multiple times. You need a lot of patience with guys like this - you need to earn their trust and that takes a while.
glittergurl Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 This sounds fishy to me. Are you sure this guy is 100% honest? I'd make some kind of background check.
JayKay Posted October 26, 2005 Posted October 26, 2005 I agree with Outcast....I'd be in no hurry to rush things at only 3 months into a relationship. And the sad fact is....many people who have been abused in relationships have some really serious issues with trust, intimacy and true affection. They are so used to being belittled and betrayed that when they meet someone nice they may treat them poorly, because they have been taught to do so. I would toss the ball into his court and leave it lay. Don't call him frequently. If he wants to talk more often, he will call you. ANd keep things equal -- if he doesn't want to include you in his social circle, don't include him in yours. And I wouldn't focus on him exclusively. I'd date other people. You don't have to rub his face in it, but also don't be available to him whenever he desires. You need to establish that you are (a) worthy of respect (b) not willing to settle -- if he's not ready for a relationship, fine. But maybe you are and you don't care to settle for a half-assed mixed-message relationship © and that you're out on the town, keeping your own options open. Good luck. Hope things work out for the best
Author nightsailing Posted October 27, 2005 Author Posted October 27, 2005 thanks...i really appreciate the feedback. i have been burned too..multiple times, but i understand that each person has their own "recovery period." i never tried to pressure him nor have i really brought up the issue. i wanted to get some advice before i did something prematurely.
Aimée Posted October 27, 2005 Posted October 27, 2005 You need to establish that you are (a) worthy of respect (b) not willing to settle -- if he's not ready for a relationship, fine. But maybe you are and you don't care to settle for a half-assed mixed-message relationship © and that you're out on the town, keeping your own options open. That sounds good.
slubberdegullion Posted October 27, 2005 Posted October 27, 2005 Don't call him frequently. If he wants to talk more often, he will call you. ANd keep things equal -- if he doesn't want to include you in his social circle, don't include him in yours. Oh, I don't know about this. Of course, it depends on what one's definition of "frequently" is. If your attitide is somewhat stand-off-ish (is that a word?) he may interpret that as either you're playing games with him or you're just not very interested. Now, JayKay is right if "frequently" means one or more calls per day. But once every couple of days is fine assuming he's calling you about the same amount. As for social circles, it's still early days yet. Being included in each other's social circles will come in time, so it's nothing to rush. Congratulations, by the way. Sounds like it's pretty positive so far.
flowergirl Posted October 30, 2005 Posted October 30, 2005 I'm going throught he same thing, so I can really relate. He's had a lot going on, but he's quite willing to talk about it, so that's a positive sign. Just chill for a while, and see how things turn out, and like everyone else said, don't put all your eggs in one basket. good luck.
RecordProducer Posted October 30, 2005 Posted October 30, 2005 Time will show what will your relationship develop into. It's not good that you always call him. You call him because you pick up the phone to call. Don't do it. Let him call you. Men like challenge and you're letting him take you for granted before he has the chance to develop deep feelings for you. Don't be upset about him not committing yet after 3 months. Expect it within the next few months though. People with emotional baggage have a problem with commitment.
Recommended Posts