Disrespected this guy how can I get him back?

[Kitty_m]

10 minutes ago, MisterFeather said:

@Kitty_m

Buy yourself a notebook.  Convert it to a journal and write.  It's a better way to get a hold of yourself than trying to work the math out in your head.  There's too much noise in our brains being swayed by work, people, and other circumstances in life. 

It's a lot easier to see what's in your head when you put it onto paper, even if you have some trouble getting it all out (You'll get better at doing so, with practice).  Just in the same way you're posting here, you can let your feelings out in this journal. Free, unrestricted, writing with cuss words and all.   You don't have to worry about judgment from anyone else and you don't have to worry about doing this everyday.  Only when you feel like you need to let some things out.  It'll just be between you and yourself.  Which means you can let loose exactly as you need to and then you get to see what's really there in your mind.  This technique will be your best friend when someone disappoints you or they just move on with their life and you feel that uncontrollable pain which you regard as neglect/abandonment.  That's when the deepest stuff will rear its ugly head but instead of unleashing it on them, you send it to the journal.  Write, write, write.  See what comes out.  Put a star next to it, just to remind you that you wrote this during an abandonment episode. 

The more passages you accumulate, the clearer certain patterns in your thinking will become to you and that means you can redesign a better plan to help you deal with your social challenges.  When you get to that point, where you want a build plan, you're going to write that down as well.  Everyday.  Clearly.  Descriptively.  Step by step.  

As you get comfortable journaling and you go through more these situations (And you will), you may start to find, you can actually catch yourself before you explode and send it where it needs to go.  That internal mind-work is just as important as going to your job, exercising, socializing etc.

So there's 2 techniques right there:

1.  Free-write

2. Restructure your game plan to help yourself with your personal social challenges (This can be done later on after you've logged in enough passages)

There's a few others as well.

I did this my whole adult life. It works.  You just have to be real with yourself and strategic with your writing.  Conscious, mindful writing.  Don't just go through the motions.

- Feather

Thanks so much these are amazing advice. Ill definitely get onto it. Is there a link or read on how to do the journaling ie which questions to ask myself and how to find the deeper cause etc? I also have fibro its been really challenging to even remember or think. Even my vocabulary is sometimes non existent struggle is real. So if theres a handy website you had help with you can share id really appreciate! My mind get overwhelmed with these alot so journalling may actually be a lifesaver for me. Thank you🙏🏻

[Acacia98]

Btw, OP, how long was it from the time that you let him know you were in hospital to the time that you lashed out at him for not caring? I can't tell from your posts.

IMO, 21 days is way to soon to be expecting somebody to hold your hand in hospital, even if things are going really well between you. It would be best to lean on a close friend or relative for that sort of thing. Do you have someone like that close by?

If you genuinely feel you did him wrong, you can apologize. But the apology should not be tied to an effort to reconcile or to make demands of him. You could write an apology and send it to him by text, assuming he hasn't blocked you everywhere. If you do choose to apologize, you must accept the possibility that he won't respond. And you must commit to leaving him alone afterwards.

Edited January 3, 2023 by Acacia98

[Kitty_m]

1 minute ago, Acacia98 said:

Btw, OP, how long was it from the time that you let him know you were in hospital to the time that you lashed out at him for not caring? I can't tell from your posts.

IMO, 21 days is way to soon to be expecting somebody to hold your hand in hospital, even if things are going really well between you. It would be best to lean on a close friend or relative for that sort of thing. Do you have someone like that close by?

If you genuinely feel you did him wrong, you can apologize. But the apology should not be tied to an effort to reconcile. You could write a detailed apology and send it to him by text, assuming he hasn't blocked you everywhere. If you do choose to apologize, you must accept the possibility that he won't respond. And you must commit to leaving him alone afterwards.

It was 2 hours of texting and also i did tell him that i expected a call in this matter he still didnt get the hint. Trouble is it was a Friday night and i thought he was spending it with someone hence why he couldnt call me. So i had rush of thoughts from he doesnt care about me to “hes lying when he told me hes not seeing anyone else” and i reacted to these thoughts as i dont know if he was with someone and i dont know if he doesnt care coz he may just not like calling

if i apologise now he may think i am lonely and couldnt find anyone and messaging him. Tho reality is last 2 months he been on my mind and i havent gone for anyone else🥺

[basil67]

17 hours ago, Kitty_m said:

I went to the club we met a week after to bump into him i was going to talk and apologise. When he walked past me not even look i felt as tho he doesnt want to be spoken to. Then i called him a few weeks ago he didnt pickup so i dont think he even wants to hear what i have to say. 

An apology expresses regret, but it doesn't undo the harm you caused.   Verbal abuse is never OK.  Kindly, I suggest you hold off dating until you've worked with your therapist on ways to control your temper.

[JTSW]

I'm going to give it to you straight.

After reading through everything here, my take on it is that YOU messed this up OP.

You were in hospital where phones are usually prohibited due to them interfering with medical equipment.

He was respecting that but continued to text to ask if you were ok.

You treated him like crap for no reason.

Your behaviour was unwarranted and out of order, and there are no excuses for this.

He wont be back.

He deserves better.

[Alpacalia]

16 hours ago, Kitty_m said:

It was 2 hours of texting and also i did tell him that i expected a call in this matter he still didnt get the hint. Trouble is it was a Friday night and i thought he was spending it with someone hence why he couldnt call me. So i had rush of thoughts from he doesnt care about me to “hes lying when he told me hes not seeing anyone else” and i reacted to these thoughts as i dont know if he was with someone and i dont know if he doesnt care coz he may just not like calling

Put yourself in his shoes. If you failed to call him if he were in the hospital and he told you to [ ] and he accused you of being out with another man, how would you feel?

That would be such an outrageous response, right?

Edited January 3, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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