I can't help to wonder if there is such thing as a committmentphobe

[Alvi]

Perhaps this is a discussion for another topic (could be an interesting discussion as I would love to hear some opinions on this subject) but I can't help to wonder if there is such thing as a committmentphobe. I watched a movie When Harry Met Sally eons ago and  I remember one scene where Sally is crying to Harry about her ex boyfriend who didn't want to be married or to have kids. But once things ended between Sally and him, he immediately met someone else, got married and impregnated that new woman. It happened to me a lot in my younger days as well. A guy would not be able to commit to me but had no problem starting a family with someone else as I would find out later through the grapewine. So, perhaps this is just a matter of meeting that right person 

 

Edited January 1, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
new thread created for discussion

[basil67]

I too have known many situations of guys who were wary of marriage or relationship and then instantly changed their tune when they met "the one". 

All in all though, I have no doubt that there are some commitmentphobes out there....both men and women.  But I also think that there are many people who are labelled as such but the truth is that they are with the wrong person and commitment feels wrong. 

[Alpacalia]

I'm not sure. My best female friend I would say is "commitment phobic" and she's been in a relationship for 15+years but she will never marry or have children. The man she's with doesn't pressure her with it so I think that's why it works for her.

[Acacia98]

I know a few people who have spent 30+ years sabotaging their long-term relationships. In all that time, they don't seem to have met the right person. Perhaps they are closer to being commitmentphobes than the ones you mention.

[BrinnM]

I think I am a bit of a commitment-phobic  woman. I love my friends and family, and i am very loyal. Once I consider you my friend or part of my family, I will be there for you no matter what. But with relationships - I mean romantic relationships - I’m always a little bit hesitant and I have never been comfortable sharing a home or getting married or having kids or anything too committed with anybody so far. And I don’t think it’s ever gonna change, either. And I’m ok with that. People are different. 

I have had a number of long-term relationships in the past, and the ones I felt most comfortable & secure with were those with committed people. Committed to somebody else, that is. 
 

I also know many men who are like me. Women, not so much. 

Edited January 1, 2023 by BrinnM

[basil67]

@BrinnM I think that knowing who we are is the only real deciding factor.   People can and do make judgements on others all the time, but only the person themselves know if if this label applies to them or if they are just not ready or with the wrong person.

 

[Weezy1973]

For me, I always was of the mind that it if I ever had a relationship with a woman that it would make sense to have children with and get married to I would do it. But if I never met that woman, I could be content staying single or in a relationship or dating casually. I was happy either way. Not commitment phobic, but also not commitment focused. 
 

I happened to meet my now wife when I was 43 and we have one child and are expecting our second in March. She’s lovely and happens to be an amazing mom and partner. And that was the only way I was going to commit. And in my mind having kids is the only true commitment. You will be coparents forever so you better choose right. 

[NuevoYorko]

21 hours ago, Alvi said:

Perhaps this is a discussion for another topic (could be an interesting discussion as I would love to hear some opinions on this subject) but I can't help to wonder if there is such thing as a committmentphobe. I watched a movie When Harry Met Sally eons ago and  I remember one scene where Sally is crying to Harry about her ex boyfriend who didn't want to be married or to have kids. But once things ended between Sally and him, he immediately met someone else, got married and impregnated that new woman. It happened to me a lot in my younger days as well. A guy would not be able to commit to me but had no problem starting a family with someone else as I would find out later through the grapewine. So, perhaps this is just a matter of meeting that right person 

 

There are definitely commitment-phobes.  I know two such people very intimately, one being my ex father-in-law.  He was married EIGHT times and none of those lasted for over 3 years.  He was literally terrified of commitment.  He seemed to reach for it and then RUN FOR THE HILLS when it was happening.   He had 8 tries for "the right person" and these don't even include the various women he had flings or non marital relationships with.  Which were plentiful, as he was a playboy in his day.

Being non-committal is not an uncommon personality trait.   Such people manifest the quality in various aspects of their lives, not just romantic attachments.   

[BrinnM]

2 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Such people manifest the quality in various aspects of their lives, not just romantic attachments.   

Not necessarily, which is why this is such an interesting topic. Because many of those people have held a job or a career for decades being very successful, and have been loyal to friends and family as well as to their employer, or maybe they run a business that they’ve run for a very long time. That’s commitment!

It’s just that they don’t trust anyone to share every single aspect of their life with; they may trust one person or one entity with one aspect of their life 100%, and they trust some other party or some other person with another aspect 100% - but not with 1 romantic partner who has 100% access to them/everything…..and that’s enough for them. I think it’s a perfectly fine way of living.

They don’t want to be romantically involved in an all-encompassing relationship with one person where all aspects of life are intermingled. And these people are just people with all kinds of roots: bad Family of origin, good family of origin, people with siblings, only children, people who have never been married, people who have been married before and changed their minds etc. etc.

It’s more frequent than we think it is. Is all I’m saying. 

[Wiseman2]

On 12/31/2022 at 8:36 PM, Alvi said:

, he immediately met someone else, got married 

It's important to identify who's into you and who wants what you want.

The peril with this label is that it can waste time on the wrong people because it frames it as if it's a condition or disorder that is treatable rather than the fact that either you have mutual interest and the same goals...or you don't.

The example from the movie you cited is precisely why this label works against you and finding the right person for you. It wastes time on the wrong people.

[Els]

On 1/1/2023 at 11:36 AM, Alvi said:

But once things ended between Sally and him, he immediately met someone else, got married and impregnated that new woman. It happened to me a lot in my younger days as well. A guy would not be able to commit to me but had no problem starting a family with someone else as I would find out later through the grapewine.

I think you are conflating way too many issues here. Let's try to go through them one by one...

1. Having kids isn't necessarily related to getting married and vice versa. Some people genuinely don't ever want kids, but might want to get married.

2. It's possible for someone to not want to get married or not want to have kids, but still end up having them. For men, this can be compounded by the fact that unless they get a vasectomy, they don't really have all that much control over whether they have biological kids or not. Condoms are good, but they are not foolproof. Accidents can happen, social pressure can happen, people can and do become married (or parents) without actually feeling sure that they want to.

3. When #2 happens, I wouldn't necessarily assume that he "comes around and they live happily ever after". Chances are that they will be a terrible husband or father, and therefore a bullet dodged (if you yourself are the marrying or procreating sort).

4. I don't really understand the pathologizing of people who don't want marriage (or kids). We don't call people who want to get married "singlephobes", why do we call people who don't want to get married "commitmentphobes"?

5. It really just comes down to being honest with yourself and with them, and with having the confidence to cut them loose if you feel that both of you have incompatible desires and goals.

 

[poppyfields]

Wow, I just saw this thread.

@Alvi, there is difference between someone who does not want a commitment or not ready for a commitment or who has not met anyone he/she would like to commit to (like in Harry Met Sally) and someone who is literally afraid of commitment, which is how the term "commitmentphobe" came to be.

It really is like any other phobia, like say claustrophobia except instead of feeling fearful and anxious about being trapped in an enclosed space, they feel anxious and fearful about being trapped in a relationship, which is how they view commitment - like a trap.

My brother is a commitmentphobe.  He wants nothing more than a close committed relationship but whenever a particular woman he's dating asks for that (more time, more closeness, commitment) he literally panics.  I have seen him break out in a cold sweat, not being able to eat or sleep, etc.

Women who, when he first met them, believed them to be "the one."  It had/has nothing to do with her not being the "right" woman or whatever.

It's about ANXIETY.  And as such there is NO "right" person for a commitmentphobe.  They will eventually find something "wrong" with each and every one of them.

There are many people like my dear brother who again want nothing more than a close committed relationship but simply cannot handle the anxiety they feel once it happens.

At that point, they BOLT, and it can happen overnight.

I read about one man on the night before his wedding told his fiancé he was going out for a pack of cigs and never returned.  She never heard from him again.

I attribute something like that to sheer panic and anxiety, phobia.

It's a very real thing, a real phobia stemming from anxiety.

 

 

Edited January 13, 2023 by poppyfields

[neowulf]

On 1/13/2023 at 11:37 AM, poppyfields said:

It's about ANXIETY.  And as such there is NO "right" person for a commitmentphobe.  They will eventually find something "wrong" with each and every one of them.

I think you hit the nail on the head.

There's a natural degree of uncertainly that some people will go through around commitment.
There are people who simply never want to be tied down.

Then there's people with a  pathological level of anxiety around commitment.  A literal mental illness.

I think people who truly suffer from commitmentphobia are really victims of their condition, along with the people who love them.

Deep down I imagine a lot of these people are painfully lonely and afraid.  It's a hard road never being able to take that next step in your life.
In the end, I imagine it costs them a lot of happiness and security.

[Kassieee]

The thought of being responsible for someone else is exhausting.