What do you think about these instances?

[Lookingforlasting]

Looking back at some final texts between my recent ex and I.  He comes from a wealthy family and mentioned rather early on that he had felt used by people for money in the past and liked that no one here knew anything about him. I have actually mostly shared expenses in every relationship and almost always split on the 1st date unless the man is adamant.

In the case of my recent X we split things often in the beginning but over time he would say more often "I got it" when dinner bill or whatever.  I told him at one point I  But bad he seemed to be paying for everything. We tried splitting costs for a while but it wasn't coming out even often enough. He told me again he doesn't mind paying for everything but since I brought up splitting things but he seems to be paying more he was getting pissed.   I told him this was confusing as he had said at 1 time he didn't mind paying everything. He told me it was the principle of it.

Also one time he was looking through my closet and said "I'm going to buy you all new clothes".  Of course I took that with a grain of salt but a few days later I tried something on that he thought looked amazing on me. When we got into line I asked if he would buy it thinking it was such a romantic feeling and romantic memory if he paid since he was excited about it (it was $20).  He sort of snapped at me and said no and didn't talk to me the whole ride home and for a couple hours after.  When he finally started talking he told me it was rude I asked him to buy it and I should wait for an offer.  He also told me in the beginning of the relationship he would never buy me flowers as he thinks it's not practical.

When I met him I was having pretty severe digestion issues. We would get together Friday nights and spend the weekend. He had a high sex drive so sometimes even though I wanted to have sex I couldn't because of my discomfort so I would tell him to have it with me anyway so at least he could get satisfied. He would tell me he felt bad doing it but I would insist.  I thought I was doing an altruistic thing but he now tells me he hated that.

Where hes from massage is a big part of life. He also has very strong hands from doing exercises for his hands for many years. My hands are not very strong and I'm not into rough massage on myself or others. He would often give me massage due to my health issues in the beginning months which I really appreciated. I would reciprocate when he had pains but I find out now he found it incredibly rude my massages didnt last as long. At the same time often when I was giving him a massage he would say to stop taking so much effort and make me end it earlier than I even wanted to.

He was sitting on my bed watching TV one night while eating. He was very intently watching the TV when I looked over and he appeared to be wiping his hands on my silky comforter. I sort of slapped him lightly on the arm and said "Hey what are you doing? Don't wipe your hands on my bedspread!" He would often refuse a napkin saying we waste too much paper in this country so even more reason I thought he was doing it. He snapped at me and said  he was actually picking up crumbs off of the bedspread.

Lastly I was sick with covid and also had my period (very bad symptoms always) and bad digestion issues still.  I ws too tired to get out of bed one night to get a glass of water before sleep (and he wasn't able to get it for me due to my roommate not allowing guests in common areas).  I woke up in the middle of the night coughing that woke us both up.  He got very pissy and said "if you had gotten water when you should have you wouldn't be coughing!".  The next day he continued his fierce rant telling me I should have gotten out of bed.  I told him I was exhausted and couldn't move. He said he's sern people much sicker in his country who still do the right thing.  I did everything to stay calm while he yelled at me because I knew the stress was just going to make me feel worse.  Ironically I had been going around with him In 0ﾟweather the day before instead of staying home because he was bored.

 

 

 

 

 

[glows]

I don’t see any big significance. I do think in it’s important to note the 17 year age gap, him being much younger than you, and with that added context, how immature some of his responses were. 

[spiritedaway2003]

I’m sorry, there is so much that isn’t working in the relationship.  Why are you still with him? (Edited: he’s an ex, what might be bothering you?) 

Edited December 31, 2022 by spiritedaway2003

[Lookingforlasting]

Sorry forgot to include....he criticized me about all the instances. I've been so deflated and can't tell if he was right about some or all of these thinga.

[glows]

He’s entitled to his opinion but it doesn’t make it “right”. Some of the bickering is plain rude and insensitive. Why was he sleeping over at your place for instance if you were still coughing? He could have gone back home. 

This is over and it’s best to keep telling yourself it didn’t work out. It’s natural for the relationship to come flooding back like this after a break up. You’re shifting your reality from the idea of being with this person to a completely different one single. 

Give your mind a break and zone out doing other things. Resist the urge to nitpick everything that happened. Return when you’re feeling less emotionally attached to the situation and feel a little better if you need to. The main point is you were both vastly incompatible.

 

 

[Lookingforlasting]

He has made me feel the failure of the relatiinship was all my fault and I am a horrible person....yet he also said it was the best relationship and I am best person he's ever met. Told me he wanted out much sooner but I had mentioned several times he could leave if he wasn't happy.... in the end he said "threatening the existence of the relationship doesn't work well with me'

My.mind is so confused an hard to process this relationship and end asa result.

[Weezy1973]

6 minutes ago, Lookingforlasting said:

 

My.mind is so confused an hard to process this relationship and end asa result.

What specifically are you confused about? It wasn’t working for him so he ended it. The reasons don’t matter. Twisting yourself in knots trying to figure it out is a waste of your emotional energy. 

[glows]

2 hours ago, Lookingforlasting said:

He has made me feel the failure of the relatiinship was all my fault and I am a horrible person....yet he also said it was the best relationship and I am best person he's ever met. Told me he wanted out much sooner but I had mentioned several times he could leave if he wasn't happy.... in the end he said "threatening the existence of the relationship doesn't work well with me'

My.mind is so confused an hard to process this relationship and end asa result.

Yes, there are very sh*tty people in this world but it’s also up to you to walk away from something or someone that doesn’t or no longer brings you joy. People say cruel things in a break up or are fighting to find a reason to stay or leave. It’s important that you do acknowledge that confusion and total unrest when you were together and eventually how it ended. 

I think you’re still experiencing shock and believe it could have worked. The reality is shattering because you’re seeing you have misjudged. You both weren’t compatible. Don’t look at this like a failure overall. If you can learn from this and evolve in the way you pick partners, this was worth it. 

Like I said find time to zone out and do harmless mindless things. Don’t allow yourself to get too down dwelling on this change/the break up.

[NuevoYorko]

Yes, this relationship was not working.  It was bound to fail from the very first contact, before you even met, as we already discussed in your prior thread.  Etched in stone after your first time sex together.  

So why go through all the details of various conflicts you had?  You were incompatible.  And he was immature like lots of people, especially guys, are when in their 20's.

Maybe it helps you get through the breakup by revisiting unfortunate interactions you had with him.   It seems unhealthy to dwell on it to me, though.   

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Lookingforlasting said:

Sorry forgot to include....he criticized me about.....

You dodged a bullet. When you add  all these instances and examples together it seems like abuse and disrespect at best.

Don't second guess yourself. Be happy you're starting the new year with a clean slate, free of him.

All you can do in the future is screen better for cultural, lifestyle and life stage incompatibilities.

Trying to "make it work" against all odds, sadly often ends in overinvestment and disappointment.

[Lookingforlasting]

 Thanks for responses all. I posted this for opinions on the different instances that I still am not sure what to make of them... Was I out of line?…. is he just a jerk?  I'm not sure to this day what to make of them.

 Also I forgot to mention the bed spread thing…. he would still bring that up even a year later when we had arguments.

Edited December 31, 2022 by Lookingforlasting

[Lotsgoingon]

Red flag right away:

He comes from a wealthy family and mentioned rather early on that he had felt used by people for money in the past .

If he feels used, that's on him for not saying no, for not being able to speak up for himself. No one had a gun to his head--so therefore he agreed. I have lots of friends with a ton more money than I have--they don't walk around saying they have a history of being used. 

All the weirdness about paying or not paying--red flag. Next time, stop at the first incident of this kind of weirdness.

He is disconnected from himself. A part of his brain will say, "Oh, I got it." But that part of the brain is DISCONNECTED from what he's really feeling on the other side of the brain: that he might be used. 

Why are you trying to so hard to put up with all his nonsense? You're taking him way too seriously?  Dump this bum--years ago.  Let him to go therapy, where he'll tell the therapist he can afford what they charge--and then later he'll have resentment against the therapist's fee schedule. He's a dead end. 

[NuevoYorko]

13 minutes ago, Lookingforlasting said:

 Was I out of line?…. is he just a jerk?  

I'm sure there are pieces of both choices involved.   I'm always aware that there are 2 (at least) sides to every story and some of the things you've already shared about your own behavior were clearly out of line.  And you've shared examples of him being a jerk.   Trying to assign some kind of blame / responsibility in various little conflicts is a waste of time and you absolutely won't get ANYTHING helpful from asking strangers on an Internet board to do that based on your descriptions.  

You were not compatible.   What's useful for YOU is to own your own part in causing the pain you are now in, which would basically be down to choosing to try to have a serious long term relationship with a person who had shown you right at the start that he was not an appropriate choice for that.  

None of the details involved in your bickering with each other are meaningful.  

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Lookingforlasting said:

I'm not sure to this day what to make of them.

I can’t stress this enough. It doesn’t matter. The question to ask yourself is this: have you ever been in a healthy long term relationship? If not, then the common denominator is you. Trying to look externally will not help you a bit in the future. 

[glows]

8 hours ago, Lookingforlasting said:

 Thanks for responses all. I posted this for opinions on the different instances that I still am not sure what to make of them... Was I out of line?…. is he just a jerk?  I'm not sure to this day what to make of them.

 Also I forgot to mention the bed spread thing…. he would still bring that up even a year later when we had arguments.

I believe you’re looking for lessons and feedback on where you went wrong. He wasn’t honest with you from the start and treated you poorly. I do think a lot of that was immaturity on his part. 

I’d use the time to reflect on what drew you to this much younger person. Several people have mentioned not to dwell on this also. You’re going to do it anyway and try to figure out how you don’t make the same mistakes, hopefully. 

[stillafool]

On 12/31/2022 at 10:27 AM, Lookingforlasting said:

He has made me feel the failure of the relatiinship was all my fault and I am a horrible person....yet he also said it was the best relationship and I am best person he's ever met. Told me he wanted out much sooner but I had mentioned several times he could leave if he wasn't happy.... in the end he said "threatening the existence of the relationship doesn't work well with me'

My.mind is so confused an hard to process this relationship and end asa result.

IMO there's very little to process here.  He was never in love with you and his actions showed you that at every step.  Believe him when he told you he wanted out much sooner.  He's probably never had another woman stick around that he's treated that way so the relationship was easy for him (the best).  You did the right thing by accepting the end of this relationship.  I think you might be happier with someone closer to your own age at this point.

[basil67]

On 1/1/2023 at 2:27 AM, Lookingforlasting said:

. Told me he wanted out much sooner but I had mentioned several times he could leave if he wasn't happy.... in the end he said "threatening the existence of the relationship doesn't work well with me'  

I agree with all the commentary about him.  But the bolded is something which really should never be said in a respectful relationship.   

If someone isn't happy, then you work through the issue together.  If it can't be solved, then you can decide to end the relationship jointly or by yourself.  But "you can leave if you're not happy" is a very rude and dismissive thing to say. 

[Lookingforlasting]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

I agree with all the commentary about him.  But the bolded is something which really should never be said in a respectful relationship.   

If someone isn't happy, then you work through the issue together.  If it can't be solved, then you can decide to end the relationship jointly or by yourself.  But "you can leave if you're not happy" is a very rude and dismissive thing to say. 

He was being very rude to me for 2 weeks prior plus and  I felt he wanted to leave... as it turns out I find out now I was right.

[basil67]

14 minutes ago, Lookingforlasting said:

He was being very rude to me for 2 weeks prior plus and  I felt he wanted to leave... as it turns out I find out now I was right.

So if he was rude and (I assume) not communicating about the issue, why didn't you just end it instead of taking a passive-aggressive approach?  

[NuevoYorko]

35 minutes ago, Lookingforlasting said:

He was being very rude to me for 2 weeks prior plus and  I felt he wanted to leave... as it turns out I find out now I was right.

From what you shared in your prior post about this guy, you were threatening to leave and he was sort of aiming in that direction starting from the first time you slept together.  Seems like it was "normal" for both of you.  

[glows]

3 hours ago, Lookingforlasting said:

He was being very rude to me for 2 weeks prior plus and  I felt he wanted to leave... as it turns out I find out now I was right.

In future, just avoid this headache and end it if it’s not working for you. He was rude and that’s the end of it, period. Don’t stay and tolerate behaviour that is disrespectful or makes you feel uncomfortable. 

[Weezy1973]

@Lookingforlasting Ruminating so much about this is part of the problem. It’s as if you’re feeding off of dysfunction. You should be trying to let all this go so you can move on, yet instead it seems like you want to wallow in misery. 
 

When was your last healthy, functional relationship?

[Els]

On 1/1/2023 at 12:04 AM, Lookingforlasting said:

In the case of my recent X we split things often in the beginning but over time he would say more often "I got it" when dinner bill or whatever.  I told him at one point I  But bad he seemed to be paying for everything. We tried splitting costs for a while but it wasn't coming out even often enough. He told me again he doesn't mind paying for everything but since I brought up splitting things but he seems to be paying more he was getting pissed.   I told him this was confusing as he had said at 1 time he didn't mind paying everything. He told me it was the principle of it.

This is weird of him and I would be wary of anyone who did something voluntarily and then got pissed about it.

On 1/1/2023 at 12:04 AM, Lookingforlasting said:

Also one time he was looking through my closet and said "I'm going to buy you all new clothes".  Of course I took that with a grain of salt but a few days later I tried something on that he thought looked amazing on me. When we got into line I asked if he would buy it thinking it was such a romantic feeling and romantic memory if he paid since he was excited about it (it was $20).  He sort of snapped at me and said no and didn't talk to me the whole ride home and for a couple hours after.  When he finally started talking he told me it was rude I asked him to buy it and I should wait for an offer.

This is on you and I think you're out of line for straight up asking him to pay at the cashier. Barring extenuating circumstances, I don't think anyone should ever ASK their partner to pay for something that you are buying for yourself. If he wanted to pay for it, he would have done so without you asking. If he didn't want to, why would you want him to?

On 1/1/2023 at 12:04 AM, Lookingforlasting said:

When I met him I was having pretty severe digestion issues. We would get together Friday nights and spend the weekend. He had a high sex drive so sometimes even though I wanted to have sex I couldn't because of my discomfort so I would tell him to have it with me anyway so at least he could get satisfied. He would tell me he felt bad doing it but I would insist.  I thought I was doing an altruistic thing but he now tells me he hated that.

I'm with him again on this one. Having sex with a person who is feeling ill and uncomfortable is a massive turn off and frankly straight up gross for some of us. Plus you pushed him to do it when he said he didn't want to... why???

That being said, if I was him I would have straight up said no (regardless of how much insistence was going on), so that bit is on him. He should have just left if you kept pushing the point, he shouldn't have done it anyway while hating it.

The Covid thing was entirely him being a massive jerk and I think you dodged a bullet if that's how he responded when you were sick.

Long story short, you two were quite incompatible and you probably dodged a bullet, but you also need to work on improving your communication and boundaries with a new partner.