singletrack Posted January 3, 2023 Posted January 3, 2023 1 hour ago, introverted1 said: This could be the problem, OP. Ok, more seriously, it seems you have a mismatch of boundaries/acceptable behavior. What does she bring to the table in your relationship? Sorry monogamous She brings : laughter . She’s great with my kids when we’re together. We have some great moments together whether they’re in the kitchen, shopping or traveling .
Gaeta Posted January 4, 2023 Posted January 4, 2023 (edited) 3 hours ago, singletrack said: She brings : laughter . She’s great with my kids when we’re together. We have some great moments together whether they’re in the kitchen, shopping or traveling . Not enough to want to make her your wife. But is she great with you....respectful, understanding, reliable, supportive, open, honest. Does she make you feel loved, important, a priority, do you feel you're her man, does she cherish your relationship, protect it. If not, after 2.5 years, it's time to look for a real partner. Edited January 4, 2023 by Gaeta
JTSW Posted January 4, 2023 Posted January 4, 2023 18 hours ago, singletrack said: I’m just not comfortable with it and I don’t have to live with it. I totally agree. I wouldn't be comfortable with it either.
Acacia98 Posted January 4, 2023 Posted January 4, 2023 (edited) On 12/31/2022 at 12:35 AM, singletrack said: She was wanting to move forward with the engagement and wedding and buying a house ( actually the house was the first thing) . I told her we need to work on each others problems and come to the table in the best form. I didn’t want to have these communication issues and fights within the marriage. You are right about not wanting to begin marriage with these problems unaddressed. It's a wise and mature approach. Someone posted recently about his girlfriend or fiancee (I can't remember which) wanting to move forward with their relationship. She wanted them to purchase a home together. He was hesitant because he felt that other matters had to be resolved first, but eventually gave in. Their relationship subsequently unravelled and now he's stuck making the expensive payments on his own. If your issues are as important as you believe they are and would negatively impact your relationship, then your girlfriend should also want you guys to address them before you get married and start buying property together. The fact that she doesn't seem to share your perspective indicates to me that you have very different ideas about what it takes to make a relationship work. And the fact that she's still planning to go on a trip with her male friend after you've reconciled seems to confirm the same. I suspect you guys are not compatible. But that's something you need to figure out for yourselves. I also happen to think you shouldn't have rushed to move back in together after the break. Edited January 4, 2023 by Acacia98
introverted1 Posted January 4, 2023 Posted January 4, 2023 13 hours ago, singletrack said: She brings : laughter . She’s great with my kids when we’re together. We have some great moments together whether they’re in the kitchen, shopping or traveling . Laughter is important but I'd argue that there should be more. How does she support you when times are tough or there is a problem? You've already said that you are conflict avoidant and that she engages in the silent treatment, neither of which are promising for a LTR. Also, it is easy to laugh when one is taking 26 vacations a year. How you interact day-to-day, especially when there are not the fun diversions of traveling or shopping, is more predictive of your long-term success, IMO. 1
singletrack Posted January 4, 2023 Posted January 4, 2023 10 hours ago, Gaeta said: Not enough to want to make her your wife. But is she great with you....respectful, understanding, reliable, supportive, open, honest. Does she make you feel loved, important, a priority, do you feel you're her man, does she cherish your relationship, protect it. If not, after 2.5 years, it's time to look for a real partner. Thanks Gaeta - When I read your post and really force myself to be honest with myself, there are things you list that I feel are lacking. Maybe she feels different. Maybe I'm too damn needy. I honestly feels she tries to be supportive - of the situation with my kids and things concerning my businesses. Things that have occurred during the relationship have made me question whether she is really respectful, open and honest or if I'm just overreacting? Am I being too critical of small indiscretions in my view or misgivings ? I asked my sister if it's normal for example to remain in contact with an ex? I personally don't. I might be friends with 1 or 2 on social media but we never talk. Do I feel like I'm her man and she cherishes the relationship? Again, I don't know. I brought that point up to her. I mentioned to her that we stop talking/break up and two weeks later she's on a plane with the ex-boyfriend to a tropical island. My sister said she had a break up with the guy she thought she'd marry and be with forever and she was miserable and didn't date for a year. I asked my gf if the I was her dream and the relationship was the best thing she ever experienced it why would she risk it all maintaining contact with her ex? She'd likely come back and say she waited around 2 1/2 years for serious commitment. I usually respond saying within that 2 1/2 years there were a few events that occurred I feel were blatant violations of boundaries and disrespectful to the relationship that it basically pushed me further away. I also made a promise to myself that one of the things I learned during my marriage was that I would wait for marriage. Perhaps that has helped here but perhaps it has harmed things?
Gaeta Posted January 4, 2023 Posted January 4, 2023 (edited) 51 minutes ago, singletrack said: Perhaps that has helped here but perhaps it has harmed things? 2.5 years is a normal length of time to contemplate marriage. What was the rush to marry under 2 years? so no, it didn't harm things, it may have been the best decision of your life. I'm reading between the lines this woman enjoys the financial stability you're bringing to the table, the 26 trips a year, the fine dining, the purchase of a house. I'm also reading a lot of immaturity on her part, staying in touch with an ex, traveling with male friends you've never heard about. To me she sounds like a teenage girl out of control, not a mature 35 year old ready to honor a husband and marriage. Edited January 4, 2023 by Gaeta 4
glows Posted January 4, 2023 Posted January 4, 2023 1 hour ago, singletrack said: I mentioned to her that we stop talking/break up and two weeks later she's on a plane with the ex-boyfriend to a tropical island. Is this on another occasion? There was no mention of any ex boyfriend on a tropical island in your initial post. It was a “male friend” initially. Then it was a gay man. Now we’re talking about ex boyfriends. Do you mind clarifying? 2
singletrack Posted January 4, 2023 Posted January 4, 2023 1 minute ago, glows said: Is this on another occasion? There was no mention of any ex boyfriend on a tropical island in your initial post. It was a “male friend” initially. Then it was a gay man. Now we’re talking about ex boyfriends. Do you mind clarifying? Sure . During the approximate 4 weeks or so that we weren’t talking or seeing each other about two weeks into that she told me that her ex-boyfriend paid for her and her sister + long term boyfriend to go to the Bahamas for about five days. She also traveled with him on a short trip to Phoenix for one night after the Bahamas. She texted me the day she got back from this trip and we got together that evening and I’ve been back together pretty much ever since. Current trip was planned during the same. We weren’t talking going with her supposed gay friend. I’ve never met this guy and I’ve only heard of his name maybe once or twice during our relationship. There is a possibility that maybe she is going with the ex-boyfriend I guess. 1
glows Posted January 4, 2023 Posted January 4, 2023 Thanks for the clarification. I can see why you’d think or may suspect it’s the ex bf back in the picture. The fact that you can’t trust what she’s saying is a huge red flag - you don’t know who this person is or what she’s going on about. That’s how little trust there is in the relationship. It’s not necessarily who she’s out with. You just don’t trust her due to your dynamics. What is staying in this going to turn you into? Do you like the man you’ve become while dating her?
Gaeta Posted January 4, 2023 Posted January 4, 2023 19 minutes ago, singletrack said: During the approximate 4 weeks or so that we weren’t talking or seeing each other about two weeks into that she told me that her ex-boyfriend paid for her and her sister + long term boyfriend to go to the Bahamas for about five days. That completely blew my mind. Sometimes we come across people that have never known what a good relationship feels like and they're in this pattern of falling into toxic relationships one after the other but in your case, you're mid-40s, got experience, you were married with someone you completely trusted, why would you even spend 30 days in a relationship like this? Is it her looks? the sex? What keeps you going back? 4
Alpacalia Posted January 4, 2023 Posted January 4, 2023 The two of you each have one foot out the door. It was not a good idea to get back together until whatever issues you had that postponed the marriage were worked out and resolved. She's choosing to fall back on her ex in the meantime. Why did she and her ex break up initially?
poppyfields Posted January 4, 2023 Posted January 4, 2023 Didn't you also discover she had dinner with her EX eight months into your relationship? And lied to you about it? And a year later you discovered they were text messaging and she deleted those texts from her phone? And then the all expense paid trip to the tropical island immediately after you had broken up? And now this? Of course she's going with her ex. Not sure what you're thinking or what you have to gain by remaining in this relationship. She's a liar.
BaileyB Posted January 4, 2023 Posted January 4, 2023 1 hour ago, singletrack said: During the approximate 4 weeks or so that we weren’t talking or seeing each other about two weeks into that she told me that her ex-boyfriend paid for her and her sister + long term boyfriend to go to the Bahamas for about five days. She also traveled with him on a short trip to Phoenix for one night after the Bahamas. That would be reason enough for me not to get back together with this woman.
glows Posted January 4, 2023 Posted January 4, 2023 I think you only need to review the impact this relationship has on you and your life. Focus on you and what kind of life you see for yourself. If she doesn’t match she has to go.
ZA Dater Posted January 4, 2023 Posted January 4, 2023 My view is let her go on the trip. Does being with you mean she cannot have guy friends? At some point you need to trust if you can't do that the relationship is doomed anyway.
central Posted January 4, 2023 Posted January 4, 2023 I didn't see if you told her that you did not want her to go on this trip, and how she responded if you did. If you didn't state your preferences, then she may assume you're okay with it. Anyway, I would end the relationship if she goes anyway without your approval. Trust, respect, boundaries, and communication are essential, and all seem to be lacking here. 1
singletrack Posted January 4, 2023 Posted January 4, 2023 40 minutes ago, central said: I didn't see if you told her that you did not want her to go on this trip, and how she responded if you did. If you didn't state your preferences, then she may assume you're okay with it. Anyway, I would end the relationship if she goes anyway without your approval. Trust, respect, boundaries, and communication are essential, and all seem to be lacking here. I have not but I most certainly plan to. Like I’ve mentioned , my personal boundary is I will not be with someone una committed relationship where they would entertain the idea of a trip to a party island with another man of all things. In my view, it’s outright disrespectful to the relationship and to me and puts undue stress on it. As we see here others view it differently and that’s OK!
Els Posted January 4, 2023 Posted January 4, 2023 On 1/4/2023 at 5:29 AM, singletrack said: 10 years difference . I was married and consider myself very traditional when it come to expectations, values and boundaries within a monotonous relationship. Freudian slip aside... if you know that you are so traditional, why wouldn't you make that a priority when selecting a compatible partner? You and we both know she's not it, nor has she ever seemed to pretend to be. 3
Stret Posted January 5, 2023 Posted January 5, 2023 There is no point in having people on LS guessing and "having feelings and intuitions" about your gf, a person they never met, give you any advice based on your own view and description of situation. How can anyone tell you that they have feeling she is going with an ex... Why not just ask her with whom she is going, and ask her to introduce you to this guy she will go to the trip with, and maybe chill and have a drink with them? If a trip with her gay friend is a problem then the problem is in you and your insecurity. Not fair to blame your discomfort on her. Instead, work on yourself or you will transfer this same pattern of control and keeping a gf on a short leash to your next relationship. Bottom line: would you really feel comfortable with giving her ultimatum to stay and she stayed reluctantly or out of fear she would lose a relationship with you? It is a certain way to get her to resent you. Controlling other people is never a good idea. She would be home with you but you would know she is there just because you forced her to stay. Would that make you happier than having her go on a trip, relax with her friend, and come back home happy? It is not healthy to be attached with umbilical cord to your partner 24/7. 26 trips a year - are you kidding me? Let her see the world without you and with other people sometimes, let her be free one way or another. You still haven't answered about how is this different than going on a trip with a female friend? Do you think this guy will suddenly turn straight and she will suddenly be attracted to him so much that she will not be able to resist cheating on you? So what if it is on a tropical island, where are people supposed to go on a vacation? Sorry, I really don't understand what the bog deal is. Talk to her, ask her what you need to know, meet the guy and maybe you'll relax a bit. I know it feels great having your confirmation bias enabled by people here, but most of the posters get the advice to leave their partners for some minor disagreement, so I wouldn't go with it unless it is obvious. Your gf sounds good to me. She didn't do anything bad to you and probably doesn't intend to, but you are so wrapped up in your own fears and insecurities that you cannot even see that.
BrinnM Posted January 6, 2023 Posted January 6, 2023 5 hours ago, Stret said: ask her to introduce you to this guy she will go to the trip with, and maybe chill and have a drink with them That’s reasonable, and/or, like I said before, maybe ask/suggest to join them on the trip, if that’s a destination you’re interested in, and work/children/other commitments allow it.
Weezy1973 Posted January 6, 2023 Posted January 6, 2023 @singletrack It’s time to end this relationship. She has no concept of how to protect a relationship. If she felt your relationship was important her choices would have been very different. Dump her. She’s not a keeper. She’s more suited to be a FWB. 2
mortensorchid Posted January 6, 2023 Posted January 6, 2023 This is not acceptable, either to you three or anyone on the outside reading this. This is a make or break moment. If it bothers you so much, tell her this is not acceptable. If she says no, then say it's him or me. If she loves you then she will respect your wishes. If not, then ... Kick her to the curb.
Wiseman2 Posted January 6, 2023 Posted January 6, 2023 (edited) Sadly, you didn't want a commitment and you wanted a "break". So this seems like a stand off. She feels free to do whatever she wants because of the breakup and not wanting to marry her. Now that she has taken this freedom you gave her, you're upset. It's a catch-22 situation. You'll have to figure it out when she's back from vacation. Maybe this just wasn't meant to be after all. Edited January 6, 2023 by Wiseman2 2
salparadise Posted January 6, 2023 Posted January 6, 2023 (edited) On 12/30/2022 at 12:08 PM, 2wheeltherapy said: I know she went back to an ex who's been problematic in the past and did stuff but she claims she didn't have sex with him. She mentioned this trip to me in an early conversation shortly after we started talking again 2 weeks ago. She also made the passing statement that he's gay. So all of this slippin' and slidin' with the problematic ex, the new gay friend, booking a trip the second you're having R issues... I just don't get what you see in this one. Didn't sleep with the ex she went back with, and claims the new guy is gay –– right, are you sure it's not the problematic ex that she's planning the trip with? How many times do you think has "gay" or "just a friend" been used to make extracurricular activity seem ambiguous? Lots! I have doubts about the gay friend justification (betcha a hundred that he's macho, not effeminate). Like the women said, they don't get over a serious relationship in two weeks. And all of this traveling –– are you footing the bill for twice a month vacations? Of course you are. Has it never occurred to you that this little benefit is the string that keep the yo-yo spinning... while keeping exes and other men in the rotation? What is it about her exactly that outweighs all of this highly incongruent behavior? It has to be sex, because reliability doesn't seem to be a part of the equation. Edited January 6, 2023 by salparadise 3
Recommended Posts