How did I end up here? How? Just how?

[AmazingIsh]

My coworker approached me one day and said that the first time he saw me he was in awe and wanted to get to know me.  He’s-a prominent community figure, married with two kids and a very beautiful and sexy wife. We chatted privately in my office many times and he shared things about his life.  We started flirting, he’s somewhat romantic and thinks of songs to play while in my office that describe his chi objection to me.  He says it’s strong connection.  Things progressed. Oral sex in my office, two hours at a hotel, and one amazing amazing sex session in our office at night. I’m married also. We both will never leave our partners. I’m so attracted to him. I know I’m going to hell but I actually don’t need to hear that right now. I eat, sleep, breathe, this man, and I hate it. I know he’s probably more seasoned at this and is not handling this situation as deeply as I.  My mind off crazy because I want him to love me but I don’t want him or myself to ever leave our families. I want to have a full blown love affair forever. I’m delusional, I know.  When he goes to long without communicating, I become emotional. I’m not jealous of his wife but I was extremely jealous when he showed me pics of his beautiful ex girlfriends.  Yup probably self esteem issues. I don’t know what I even need, but I know I can’t go on like this.  I’m happy and sad at the same time. Btw my husband and I have been married for a long time, we have 5 children and her not had erectile dysfunction. He won’t get help even though I asked and pleaded. He denies. Please help guide me to a better path.  Like my affair partner says, we met at the right time and it’s pure attraction that we can’t help. Of course I know we can help it. But please help me. 

[stillafool]

What type of help do you need?  You say you want this affair to go on forever but you're not leaving your husband and family.  

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, AmazingIsh said:

Please help guide me to a better path.

What exactly are you hoping to hear - you’ve already said that you want to stay in this affair forever. 

Yes, he is probably more experienced at this - he played it well. He told you that he wanted you, he shared a few things about his life, and voila - oral sex at the office and a two hour romp at a local hotel. Pretty classic “office affair” - he didn’t even have to invest much time building a relationship with you… you went straight to sex! There is no texting after work, no expectation to actually be together - for him, it’s a nice, compartmentalized office affair at low risk of being discovered by his wife (your employer is a different story, if you are having oral sex at the office).

Classic affair - it feels so good, except when it doesn’t, but I’m not prepared to end it. What else is there to say…

 

Edited December 29, 2022 by BaileyB

[glows]

This is not ideal but you can find another AP, one not in your office. I do not condone affairs but one at work is out of the question - you know this is going to affect you worse as this is a place you have to be as opposed to some random venue. This man is as ordinary as they come so don’t worry about him appearing special. The songs playing are a little cheesy. 

Why hand over your peace of mind so easily? Rhetorically, speaking. You say you’re jealous of his ex gfs and others, worry he isn’t as deeply involved and want him to love you. He likes the chase so let him chase hard and don’t give him anything. Shrug it off and move onto other things if you won’t leave your husband. Keep your mind busy and wean yourself off of his attention.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, AmazingIsh said:

 Oral sex in my office, and one amazing amazing sex session in our office at night. I’m married  we have 5 children and he had erectile dysfunction. He won’t get help 

Sorry this is happening, but you do know how you got there. You and your husband's martial, health and sexual problems.

This may have left you vulnerable to a workplace wolf like this. Of course this seems a lot like sexual harassment, since providing sexual favors is now part of your job.

Unfortunately when he moves on to the next victim, your marital problems will still be there combined with the loss of a distraction and coping device.

What you could do is privately and confidentiality see a therapist to unpack and sort out some issues with the marriage and in yourself. Anything you discuss with a therapist is nonjudgmental and confidential.

While at the moment this fills a need, at some level you know it's not sustainable nor will it end well. Protect yourself.

 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

While at the moment this fills a need, at some level you know it's not sustainable nor will it end well. Protect yourself.

This really is the bottom line. It’s the bottom line for most affairs, but particularly an office affair such as this. 

[Theeisor]

This is pretty much how I felt when my A started…7.5 years ago. I knew I was getting in deep but I was on top of the world and that trumped any type of negative feelings about it. The fact that you say you want this to last forever is probably your biggest red flag. No matter what they say or how this makes you feel, it can’t diminish and will not, even slightly the world of pain you’re headed towards. 
 

I would walk (run) now if I were you. Fight the hardest you’ve ever had to. Work on your marriage. Has your husband tried any enhancement drugs?  If not, encourage him to. I found every excuse to justify my A. Some were valid reasons but not really because in the end, I was dishonest and I ended up playing myself and now I’m the one hurting, trying to move on. 
 

Nothing is forever and some things are guaranteed. Your affair will not last forever and you’re guaranteed to experience the biggest s*** storm you’ve ever experienced. 

[JTSW]

This isn't going to end up anywhere good.

You are both being too risky and someone is going to find out.

Especially at the office. Someone will inevitably walk in on you.

It sounds like he a very sweet talker and knows just what to say so he will likely be able to talk himself out of anything.

This is a recipe for disaster. 

[BreakOnThrough]

Cliché, really, when the other shoe drops, you'll then realize, by then it will be too late.

[pepperbird2]

Seems to me you are perfectly fine asking your husband to pay the price for your outside activities. Do you even care for him ar all? I’m asking because it sure doesn’t sound like you do. Why are you so willing to expose him to so much potential pain? 

[AmazingIsh]

I am fairly an intelligent person, ok job, ok income, and I navigate the world pretty well! Why [ ] am I involved with this man.  Like why am I so [ ]  insecure that this relationship with married man fuels me? [ ] All times were amazing.  I keep telling myself that it really is about the amazing sex but if it were just sex I would be able to go one about my day without thinking of him much.  But no, I wake up to him and go to sleep to him. He text me every morning to give me positive vibes...when he's a little late with the text I feel like I am falling apart.  BTW..I am also married and I can't reiterate enough, how much I enjoy this mans sex.  My husband has ED and won't do anything about it.  My AP matches my appetite.  We both have said this is not about leaving our spouses, but more so about balancing our needs.  I know its weird but I am afraid that my constant thoughts of him is going against the fact that I only want it to be sex.   I don't know what I am asking because I honestly do not want to give up the sex but I would love not to be in this situation.  Since I met him, I am anxious, depressed, and only happy when he is giving me attention.  Two weeks ago I tried to break it off.  I deleted the app that we use to text and told him if he had anything to say that he should text me on my phone.  I did not hear from him.  I literally cried and felt like I was going to die.  I was so happy to see him at work so that we can restart things.  It felt like I was an addict and forced to go into treatment only to quickly come out to start using again.  I did not like not communicating with him.  So like drugs, I find myself avoiding breaking it off because it is painful for me.  What to do...what to do?  I am smart enough to know its Limerence, but I am deathly afraid to feel the withdrawal.  How have others slowly weaned themselves from this type of situation.  Of course I am girl and probably a lot more emotional than he.  I am pretty sure he is not dying if he doesn't talk to me , but he does tell me daily that "I mean so much to him", "I am worth it" and that he feels "empty" without me.  I feel so [messed ]up because I am not as cool as I thought I could be.  I honestly thought that I could be with him [twice a month and be OK with that] but I think I am emotional.  I just need examples of how other people got out of this situation.  I keep thinking about the negatives to see if that would deter me. ..like I do find him a little goofy when he is around others and he refuses French  kissing because he feels that it really violates intimacy and that is something he only does with his wife. HOWEVER, he has no qualms [with other areas of physical intimacy] He is a prominent community figure and if his affair ever got out it would be a good look.  I just need direction because obviously I cannot talk to anyone else about this BIG MESS I got myself into.  [ ] 

-+; 

Edited January 27, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language/graphic content not suitable for this forum

[Wiseman2]

Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Start there and continue to talk to people you can confide in. While affairs don't necessarily mean you have issues, your description of ups and downs and analogies to addiction may be something to explore.

Sorry this is happening, but you do know how you got there. You and your husband's martial, health and sexual problems.

This may have left you vulnerable to a workplace wolf like this. Of course this seems a lot like sexual harassment, since providing sexual favors is now part of your job.

Unfortunately when he moves on to the next victim, your marital problems will still be there combined with the loss of a distraction and coping device.

What you could do is privately and confidentiality see a therapist to unpack and sort out some issues with the marriage and in yourself. Anything you discuss with a therapist is nonjudgmental and confidential.

While at the moment this fills a need, at some level you know it's not sustainable nor will it end well. Protect yourself.

[stillafool]

Yes I remember your story, under a different username.  About your addiction there is nothing we can tell you since you are unwilling to give him up.  Don't worry though, sooner or later another woman will start work there who will also be interested in him and he will welcome a new affair partner.  That will be your out of this affair when he dumps you.  He's right, kissing is far more intimate than what you guys do and that is why he doesn't want to kiss you.

[AmazingIsh]

Stillafool...Thank you for your response, but no I don't have another story under another user name.  And I agree maybe dumping me might be the savior in all of this! I love the insight about kissing.  So funny because as a woman I always thought it to be less intimate than sticking your tongue in private areas..I am here to learn tho'

Edited January 27, 2023 by AmazingIsh

[AmazingIsh]

Wiseman2...I appreciate your comments.  Agreed.  I do think I am having some mental health issues and will contact the doctor Monday.  Because this is the craziest thing I have ever gone through.  

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, AmazingIsh said:

I do think I am having some mental health issues and will contact the doctor Monday. 

Indeed, this isn’t really about him. This isn’t even about the amazing sex. You know this is much more personal - emotionally healthy people don’t find themselves obsessed and dependent on another person in this way. This has everything to do with you and very little to do with him. 

Glad to hear that you are going to talk with your physician. Hopefully, your doctor can help get you set up with a good counsellor. 

Edited January 28, 2023 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

21 hours ago, AmazingIsh said:

 I just need direction because obviously I cannot talk to anyone else about this BIG MESS I got myself into.

You could consider seeing a therapist if you feel it's necessary to "process" stuff (sounds like you might).

One possibility is that you have limerence. You might consider doing a bit of research. If you have it "full-blown" you'll certainly know as it's a bona-fide altered state of consciousness.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

Limerence is a lot different from "fun and exciting sex/romance" so I'm not saying you have this.

Edited January 28, 2023 by mark clemson

[mark clemson]

BTW, if you're not planning on getting divorced, you probably want to try to be quite careful about your affair being discovered. I'm sure it's common knowledge that plenty of marriages have ended once an affair was discovered; and men particularly have a tendency to be pretty unforgiving once actual sex is involved. So, you're very much playing dice with yours.

[NuevoYorko]

I guess you want an answer to your question: "How did I end up here?" 

Your first sentence:  

 

Quote

My coworker approached me one day and said that the first time he saw me he was in awe and wanted to get to know me. 

Followed quickly by you flirting with him in your office.  

That's how you got here.   Next time a married man approaches you like that, don't take the bait ... if, the next time, you aren't all in with having an affair.   This time, you obviously were.  

[JTSW]

On 1/27/2023 at 8:25 PM, AmazingIsh said:

I am pretty sure he is not dying if he doesn't talk to me 

This is exactly right.

He wouldn't be a big deal for him if it ended because he still has his wife that he is still sleeping with.

Just keep reminding yourself of this.

[AmazingIsh]

2 hours ago, JTSW said:

This is exactly right.

He wouldn't be a big deal for him if it ended because he still has his wife that he is still sleeping with.

Just keep reminding yourself of this.

agreed! I also still have my husband to love.  I never ever sign up for him to leave his wife or me my husband.  We both declared that.  Just don’t know why I was feeling so strong for him. 

On 12/29/2022 at 10:03 AM, glows said:

This is not ideal but you can find another AP, one not in your office. I do not condone affairs but one at work is out of the question - you know this is going to affect you worse as this is a place you have to be as opposed to some random venue. This man is as ordinary as they come so don’t worry about him appearing special. The songs playing are a little cheesy. 

Why hand over your peace of mind so easily? Rhetorically, speaking. You say you’re jealous of his ex gfs and others, worry he isn’t as deeply involved and want him to love you. He likes the chase so let him chase hard and don’t give him anything. Shrug it off and move onto other things if you won’t leave your husband. Keep your mind busy and wean yourself off of his attention.

This was really great advice! Thank you!

 

[inlove20102010]

 

Your going down the rabbit hole if you think you can do this and not get feelings. Women fall in love in affairs, men don't so easily. First question: are you going to be posting in 1-2-3-4 years time that you are stuck in this affair because you love him and he won’t leave his wife? You may have even left Mr erectilce dysfunctional by then. Do you want the next x amount of years feeling pain when he returns to her? Do you want to be lay in bed at night thinking if he is having sex with her? Do you want to feel used and cheap when he hurrily runs home? Do you want to long for him every hour but know you can’t have him? It is hell. Get out now.

I dumped my life partner of 20 years who had sexual performance problems because he was unwilling to get help. I should have done it sooner. Living without sex is awful I know. So, you are even more likely to have an affair. Right now, think about what you need. IT IS NOT A MARRIED MAN! It is a passionate relationship that is healthy. Thing is, we can all say on here don’t do it, you will end up hurt but you probably won’t listen and just follow your heart and what’s in your pants (yes we all need sex). I did the same.

Trust me, you are stepping into a storm right now and when you get out of the other side you will not even know yourself, become emotionally shut off, strong and put up with the crap he gives you. So if you go ahead with it ---- know what it is: HE WILL NOT LEAVE HER. This is sex only. If you can cope with that go for it. If not then either patch up your marriage or get divorced. Warning: you think you can cope with just sex then you end up falling in love and can never have him = hell!

Edited February 3, 2023 by inlove20102010