Lookingforlasting Posted December 28, 2022 Share Posted December 28, 2022 I used to sing in a band. We brought in a new guitar player who had a wife who helped a lot with the band logistically and came to almost every show and loved to dance and would often get the crowd dancing. I was always very impressed with their marriage..like 2 peas in a pod and made for each other. Fast forward 6 months. The husband tells us one night his wife wants to be in the band. Everyone in the band already knew singing was not up to par but we give her the decency of an audition. A few days later we let her know we don't think she's the right fit. She wrote the band a very nasty email back. I sent her an email letting her know I actually consider her a member of the band given how much she loves to dance and often gets the crowd going and I miss her a lot when she wasn't there. We had a gig a few days later. We were using their van for transport but because she was angry she hid the keys. We scrambled to find alternative transportation until she finally gave the keys but then had to scramble to get to and set up for the gig. She proceeded to get completely drunk at the gig and security found her passed out in the bushes. The band met to decide whether or not we should let him continue with the band. The decision hinged on me again and I decided to give them another chance. I left the band a couple years later for completely unrelated reasons The band leader passed away about 8 years later. The guitarsist started his own band and called and asked me to sing with them. I figured it had been 10 years and water under the bridge with the wife so I joined as the guitarist was always sort of like the brother I never had and we always had a great repoire and the band was very good. I was dating someone new at the time. One night the wife started saying some things to my boyfriend we both felt uncomfortable about. She mentioned something about learning his language and that he should take her to the island hes from someday so she can really learn the language and some other things I cant even remember now. I felt she was probably doing this more so to get at me still jealous about singing than actually interested in him. It made me concerned we were heading for more drama so I mentioned it to the husband and I didjt feel comfortable continuing. He got very upset with me and said that he likes how she is with other people. Whats strange is I had overheard another band member years ago when I subbed with the old band mentioning the husband was upset she was flirting with other guys and I confirmed this with the band leader who had passed by now. A couple months after I quit the band I was at a venue and I overheard some people make a snarky remark about me not being in the band anymore. I assumed probably this guy twisted the story and made it look like it was my issue and never mentioned her previous behavior. More upsetting than the loss of the band was that these were people I had spent holidays with and were like family and I had been generous in my decision initially to hire (which he has no idea I had the final say) and allow to stay in the band after all the s*** his wife put us thru.. but after all that they just wrote me off. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted December 28, 2022 Share Posted December 28, 2022 Never do or say anything that comes between a husband & wife (or other confirmed couple) if you are in a situation where you're working on something together. Absolute rule. What happened was predictable. Why are you concerned about this now? Isn't this all from the distant past? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lookingforlasting Posted December 29, 2022 Author Share Posted December 29, 2022 How do you think I should have handled it? Yes it was years ago but still hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted December 29, 2022 Share Posted December 29, 2022 On 12/28/2022 at 12:40 PM, NuevoYorko said: Never do or say anything that comes between a husband & wife (or other confirmed couple) if you are in a situation where you're working on something together I absolutely agree. Even if my closest friends are having problems with their spouses I tell them to go back and work it out (unless there's abuse involved). I learned a long time ago that getting between a husband and wife are the quickest way to lose a friend. They will make up and both be angry with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lookingforlasting Posted December 29, 2022 Author Share Posted December 29, 2022 Anyone have advice about how I should have handled it? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted December 29, 2022 Share Posted December 29, 2022 If you were going to leave the band anyway, I think that inventing an excuse and leaving tactfully would have been the best approach Link to post Share on other sites
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