A difficult situation with a friend (complicated)

[Jetski]

Hey guys. I dont know where to begin, but i would like to give you my full story so you could give me good tips on what to do. I am feeling pretty depressed over this matter.

 

So its about this girl (lets call her Mia) who is my classmate in my medical college. I lost my previous friends (studygroup) whom i had known for 2 years because i had to retake anatomy, so i jumped down a year and now in the new year I didnt know anyone. One day i meet this girl who is very polite to me, and we start working togheter, get better known, and you know the process. I really feel attached to her as a friend, because never have i felt someone so open and friendly as her in such a short period. We sit togheter in the class, at lunch, hang out togheter, and pretty much are really good friends. I dont like her other friends because i know they are selfish but I am friendly to them as well. There comes a time when I have a breakup more of a reject from another girl which makes me pretty sad, she is from another town. A day I am studying at Mia's hostel and she tells me that she likes my elder brother which also goes in the same year. Nobody in the year knows that we are brothers, so when i tell her " hey you know he is my brother, right" its like she had a heart attack and she fell down on her chair. Even i got shocked because she has nothing in common with my elder brother.  That evening we start to talk about emotional things and I tell Mia about this girl who rejected me and I start to cry, and she gives me comfort and tells me that I am a very nice person, and that I will find someone whom i really like. Then suddenly we start to hug alot that night and things get heated. We just sit there on the ground crying and hugging until midnight and i tell her in the end that she is very pretty and attractive. Then i leave her house. After some days in the weekend I tell her on text (because we live abit far away) that i really love her and I would her being my girlfriend, but if she likes my brother i would leave her alone for her happiness, i just wanted to make it clear for you, so we dont develop any misunderstandings. She tells me she would like to have a talk 1-1 in person after school break -> so we talk and go for a walk, and she tells me that she likes me as a person, but doesnt have the same feelings as i do for her. So i tell her its okay, and we continue as best friends, and i dont have negative feelings for her. Everything becomes normal. I even decide to give surprise with a birthday gift and a card one day infront of her hostel, and I think she really felt good that evening. Then one day after several weeks we study alone at a room, and she comes to my seat and starts to touch me and then hugs me and kisses me alot on my neck. And I am very confused at the moment and i tell her: why are you doing this if you told me you dont like me? And she tells me she likes me in a sexual way. Then she stops herself and she feels embarassed and we leave the university togheter at night. After i go on the subway I tell her dont think about it and i give her a short hug. She sends me a text that night and says I am sorry for playing with your feelings, please give me another chance etc. etc. I tell her that there is nothing in the world which will change our friendship, and i tell her its okay, dont worry. Weeks go by and we talk normally, but i feel like she starts to ignore me and talk less to me, and that really makes me frusturated. One evening at a school party which I arrange, we watch a film togheter with some other friends, and she doesnt even talk to me once that night, instead she is flirting and laughing alot with the boy next to me. I tell my heart its okay, dont worry, she isnt your girl or anything. At the end of that night we crack some jokes, and i make a little joke about her and her traning progress (which i have done many times before) but this time she reacts quite harsh and cold, and yells at me infront of everyone, and the good  mood in the room gets ruined. So i tell the friends i need to go now, i make up an excuse, because i am very frusturated and hurt, and I leave smiling. That night i decide to send her a text about why she has been all this ignoring if she told me some days ago I was her top 3 person in the world etc. and i dont feel like she is treathing me like that, and i feel like she has been toxic to me. I even confess to her that i know she backtalked behind my back to my bestfriend, even though i let it go, because i genuinly love her. She doesnt even tell me she is sorry the next day, and says it wasnt her intention to backtalk. She says we should have a 1 month break, and i agree (even though i know i cant be 1 month without her). Some weeks pass and i feel very terrible in class, i lose focus, i lose intrest in coming to school, all her other friends also start to ignore me (because she did the same to my brother when he rejected her) and everything feels shitty. So i tell her that i cant ignore her anymore, and let us come back and that i know where i went wrong. But she refuses and she tells me that this break is very important for me. And i tell her that i will give her that break because i respect her  So time goes, its been 2 months now and i have been waiting for her, and she has started to talk to me abit in school, but i feel like there is barrier between us, and we will never ever be that close as we were. She knows everything about me, and i know alot about her too. All my other friends tell me I should leave her, even my brother told me i should leave her back then, but i didnt and i told her i would be friend with you even if the world is against me. I talk to her one day and say that i am sorry for simping so much, and making you feel uncomfortable, and i have accepted you just as a friend, but i would like that we become good friends again. She tells me things will get normal soon, but she is still talking very little to me, and i know things will never be the same. She even leaves my study group and finds her own, and she has her own friends now. Also this boy at the party is her "new bestfriend" but i am happy for her. I still help her alot with work, send her all notes, give her motivaitonal messages and comfort when she needs it. Never have I ever been rude or cold to her, except that party night, and i have told her i am sorry like 5 times, but things dont seem to get back to normal. I really liked her from my heart and thats why i cant just let go of her. Its been 3 months now and i tried one last time to tell her that i would be a better friend for her next year, and she tells me i am a good friend and nice person, and she says she would love to help each other alot more next year. But inside i know that she only wants to be friends now to use me for information and notes. I dont want our friendship to turn into a fake one. She even used 3 days to reply to me and kept me on unread (i know she wasnt busy because she saw my story). How has she forgotten all the effort, time, comfort i used to give her so quick. I still remember everything we used to do. How we would chat with each other late at night.

 

What should I do guys, should i keep on holding on to this friend, even if all my friends tell me leave her, and i know she has abused me alot emotionally, and I have no hope of friendship after trying 6 times (she tested my patience alot, and now my feelings have dried out) or should i leave her for good because things are too complicated. I feel like she doesnt value our friendship anymore, but i still feel she cares abit for me. But i dont think she does.  Its a very hard situation for me, and I always take care of my good friends. Its always been ride or die. I know im a very sensitive and posessive person. Thank guys ❤️ 

 

Edited December 28, 2022 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Jetski]

Hello guys, ive finally figured out myself what i have to do, even though it will be painful but neccesary. God has gives us a great brain, and sometimes we just have to use it in the right way. Believe you can solve anything. 

 

The thing is that I always believed i had some lacking qualities as friend, or my love wasn't good enough, or there was something wrong with me, since I have never ever had a friend like her before. All my friends are always happy with me, and never have i experienced such anxiety and confusion ever before. Ive realized that there is not something wrong with me, but there is something wrong with her, even though i hate to say this because i still have strong feelings with her, her personality is narcistic and stands in contrast to her beatiful smile and face, and the glow she often shows. I know it is wrong to judge people, but I would like to give my reasons for it. She lacks empathy and will never apology for her short comings, or wrong sayings, toxic comments/jokes and her own mistakes such as using my feelings for her benefit. I would often think about when will the day come when she will finally also realize her mistakes, when I myself am trying to apologize for her 6 times and she doesnt even confess her mistakes. If we would have joined our roads there and then, I would have no grudge against her. The second reason is that as soon as i sent that message about her not giving me as much care and love back as i do, she was gone the next day, and ignored me for months like a stranger. How is it possible to do this to a friend you have been so close for, and just act as a stranger and forgetting the past so quick (unless you have dementia). The narcistic people will do this, because they will feel treathned and their cower is blown. The third reason is she doesnt interact good with other boys, has a small friend group which all act like the same as her. She only wants the attention and urges from boys, and not their love over time, thats also a reason why she has had alot of exes which were just gone the wrong way. 4th reason is that she also told me she had a hard childhood where she was neglected, and this is also a sign of narcistic people. 5th reason she likes to put people down to look superior, and i remember one thing i spilled my cofee on the floor, and she told all her friends about it making me look like a fool, while it was just a small thing happening. 6 she ignores me purposely by not texting me or talking to me, just to show it, because i know she isnt that busy cuz she has been seeing my story but not responding to my messages under 2 days time. Narcistic people will ignore you to make you doubt your own self and then manipulate you and try to control you by abusing you verbally and emotionally. They wont respect your personal boundries. They manipulate their crowd and gather up admiration,attention, validation basically to regulate their self esteem which is a temporary fix. And the list goes on... My friends my advice is to just get yourself out of that relationship as soon as possible. I have been stuck right in the middle of the mud, trying to fix our relationship with everything i could but without any success. I guess you just cant change some people even if your love is unconditional for them. I used to love her alot but now i figured out that my love wasnt lacking anything, it was just her personality which didnt match it. 

 

So I found my answer to my own question. I will keep myself away from her, i dont blame her or hate her for anything, people are different and people have different stories, so I wont judge her. I used to love her alot guys, and I know she wont find so hard love from anyone, and that level of patience, resepect and sympathy I had for her. I will let her go today. Thanks guys x. Listen to your gut when it says there is something wrong, dont let your love turn you blind. See the red flags. Know when to back out, before you hurt yourself so much that you turn into a new person who cant love himself. But time will heal everything, so I will be fine. I guess people will never understand this feeling, but atleast i had the chance of telling you guys my story. 

 

Bye, love you  xox

 

02/01/23